First crocus I've seen this year - isn't it lovely?

I'm not having a good day. I don't want to get into details. There are some mornings when I wish I could wake up far, far away from here, maybe in a completely different body. Maybe I'd wake up a birch tree or a luna moth. That would be perfectly fine by me. As far as I know, trees and moths don't have to do a lot of thinking, which would be nice.

I'm physically, emotionally, and intellectually very tired. Not spent, not finished, but weary. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss being treated kindly and gently.

Now I have to go - fieldwork calls. It's pretty cold and windy out there right now, but the sky is spectacularly blue; the sun is dazzling. Nothing but the crocus is blooming right now, but the whole landscape is on the verge; I can hardly wait for the golden greens of spring.

Until later, ta.

No time! In the place of words...

Shelby on the stairs, the series

Busy busy busy. I didn't want to leave my disgruntled post there on the top. I am pretty much equally overwhelmed-feeling, with a side of nascent irritability... but I'm also in a pretty jovial mood. Considering my generally harrassed feelings, that's sort of a miracle. I'll take it.

Meanwhile, must run. Work and school and work and school and.... the world, it is calling.

Until later, ta.

Chiaroscuro?

I'm not sure, but I've always wanted to use that word. Now I can die happy.

So - I'm feeling disgruntled today. It could be because I have eight gajillion hours of homework to do tonight and quite a bit less time than that in which to do it. It could also be because I've spent the past several hours handling very rotten apples for the sake of research (I am now redolent of mold, which - yum. yeah.). Too, it could be that this is the first "real" day that I've put myself back on Weight Watchers, so I'm just about ready to gnaw my own arm off. (mmm... warm, salty flesh....) There's also the fact that I am sick to death of being lumpy and out of shape, my hair is just ugly, and my face? I've picked at it (again, because I have no self control), so I look like a victim of adult-onset chicken pox. My office is in turmoil, I have like thirty different projects going on simultaneously here at work and they're starting to become a tangled mess in my head, and school is kicking my ass. I am a picture of malcontent. Add to that the fact that I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself because hell, I have a lot of good stuff in my life!

Meh.

Alrighty then, moving on.

The weekend was a flurry of studying (not enough - I completely forgot about my due-tomorrow-take-home exam) and scrubbing the house from stem to stern. I also finally got around to repotting my herbs - they're happily stretching their legs in nice big pots as we speak. We went to lunch yesterday at one of my favorite restaurants in the area - http://www.theeggsnest.com/ I love that place, from the decor to the service to the food. That was pretty much the highlight of the weekend - that and the sighting of a mostly-albino red-tailed hawk - it was solid white except for some russet on its tail. Very cool sighting indeed! And here we are again at Monday. Sigh.

Nothing interesting to add to that. I'm overflowing with The Disgruntleness, so I shall sign off until another time.

Ta for now.

Signs of spring... or perhaps just weedy vigor

Capsella bursa-pastoris,

Shepherd's purse

This critter is blooming away out in the (still cold) greenhouse, in one of the apple tree pots. I have a great fondness for weeds, so, though it's not supposed to be there and at some point I'm going to have to uproot it, I was happy to see this fellow alive and flowering.

Spring is officially here, and for that I am glad. I'm not very excited about the flimsier fashions of the season, though I've started back to the gym AT LAST (cross your collective fingers for my knee)... but all in all? I love spring. It always tussles with autumn for the season of my heart. I love the softness of the air, the bird song, and of course the bursting forth of greenery. All the new life - baby birds, fawns, new leaves - it's all quite heartwarming.

I have no plans for the weekend, other than a major scrub-down of the house and many hours of studying. What are you doing?

I don't have much else to say. Miscellany:

I was disappointed by "Stranger Than Fiction," for which I had high hopes. I was looking for something funny and light and a twist from the usual...and what I got was all the funny scenes in the previews, and a much darker (and less fanciful) movie than I'd expected. It wasn't a bad movie, and I really liked Maggie Gyllenhaal in her role. The other characters were enjoyable, but too sketched, not fleshed out enough. Anyhow... moving on.

I had my first male patient on Wednesday night. It wasn't as traumatic as I'd worried it would be. That's mostly because my patient was awesome. He's a WWII veteran, where he was a medic, so he's pretty familiar with everything I was doing. He was also very patient, interesting to talk to, and still has a ponytail. I really enjoyed working with him. At some point, I might actually become a nurse. Stranger things have happened.

That's all, folks. Veddy, veddy dull. Sorry.

If I don't post again today - happy weekends to you all!

What does she win?

Apple buds, with foot.

Deb found the deer in the below post (and I re-found it after posting that I lost it, because hell, if someone who didn't take the picture can find it, I should certainly be able to!)... and asked what she'd won. Which made me think - what could I give her? I look around my office, my lab, outside... and there's really nothing one would want, unless perhaps one wanted a plastic petri dish. I think I could part with one of those without a problem. I also have extra glassware in abundance, lots of chemicals, and of course snow. But she already has that last. Anyhow, her question made me wish I could reach out to you few who read physically (as in a letter or some such). Not to be weird at all, it's just... it would be cool to see someone's actual handwriting (who I've read), or to get a leaf or a twig from where they live. Yes, I know that latter is entirely me, but seriously - how cool would that be for a botany geek such as myself?

At any rate, if nothing else, I have lots of petri dishes to give away.

This post, as inadequate as it is, spurs thoughts of a better post. Given that I'm a bit busy right now, I'll have to address it later. Until then, ta... and - good eye, Deb!

Breathe.

Cyclamen in the copy room

Look closely - the first pussywillows of spring! Look even more closely - can you find the deer in this picture? (don't feel bad if you can't... I had a hard time finding it and I took the photo!)

I'm feeling a little bit better after my rant yesterday. Not a lot better, but a little. As it turns out, my unexceptional exam score was a full 12 points higher than the class average. As Lu suggested in the comments below (thank you for the tips, my friend. it's good to hear about testing from a teacher's perspective!), I know that I am over thinking some of the questions. However, it's somewhat difficult not to, given our instructions to "always think outside the box," and "apply these circumstances to a real life situation." I argued one of the questions with the instructor because it seemed so patently ridiculous to me that I missed it - and half the class approached me afterward to say they felt the same way. Two other people had the courage to speak up about badly-worded or vague questions, but mostly the class stayed quiet. We started with our new instructor last night and she seemed to be as formidable as her reputation suggested, so I think that kept a lot of peoples' lips zipped. At any rate, despite my discouragement, I do feel like I might get the hang of this stuff at some point. That's about as positive as I can be presently.

Well, that's about all I have to say right now. Nothing terribly interesting, per usual, but that's no surprise when my life is all about nursing school and mold - both of which are engaging to me (if only by necessity at times), but which do not make for gripping reading. I started to write about Erikson's stages of development (which are inexplicably annoying to me) and then about the characteristics of lesser-known fruit rot organisms... and then I came to my senses and deleted all of that, because - who cares? So gaze instead upon the pretty, pretty Cyclamen.

More later. Ta.

Edited to add: Now I can't find the deer in the picture at all, not even when I blow it up further on my computer screen. I'm tempted to remove the picture, but it amuses me to have a picture of a deer that cannot be seen on my blog, so it stays. It really is there somewhere in the brush. It's a yearling that beds down up on the hill behind the lab. Very, very cute.

ARGH

I'm not "argh-ing" over the state of these apple saplings (which, incidentally, are starting to show green a wee bit too early)... I just wanted to post a photo because - hey, it's kind of fun. At any rate, what I AM growling about is school. Nursing school, and the way they test us. Since I'm due at said school in 28 minutes, I can't really get into it... but, in short, I'm irritated at how hard I'm working with such a mediocre showing grade-wise. Especially since I consider myself a pretty intelligent person - I know the science and all the stuff from the textbooks, I know it backward and forward. I know I work well in a clinical setting - I grew up in my dad's practice, and I was a vet tech for years. Why on God's green earth am I having such a difficult time excelling on these damned tests? We've had two so far, and my showing is - meh. It's as if I've gone stupid. Given the chance to give a rationale behind why I gave certain answers (on these multiple choice tests), I feel certain that I would be doing much better. I know my thinking is sound. There is some slender solace in knowing that many of my classmates feel the same way. Not much, though. They tell us that next semester, we'll be able to write out a rationale. Why not this semester? What is this, some kind of hazing on the part of the faculty? (yes, I realize I'm being dramatic here)

I'm just really discouraged. I'm not accustomed to pushing myself hard, only to come up short. Feh.

Well, I'll soldier on. What choice do I have?

More on the morrow. Ta.

What? I always sit on the alarm clock.

Hi ho. Just for the record, she never sits on the alarm clock. Until this shot, of course, and now it's the latest greatest place to sit. I burst out laughing when I saw her here, completely nonchalant and settled in - situation completely normal. Completely. I get an inordinate amount of fun out of my cat.

So, anyway... the weekend was pretty good. The latest snow storm hit us pretty hard - we got about 18 inches of snow, which translated into a lovely Saturday morning workout that lasted four and a half hours. Because the space between houses in my neighborhood is pretty lean, we have to carry the snow shovel by shovel into the back yard - after we shovel the back yard itself to make room for cars. Suffice to say my arms are pretty sore. Saturday night, we went to see Tracy Bonham, Shannon McNally, & The John Ginty Band at the Bearsville Theater in Woodstock. It was an outstanding show - they all did a fantastic job. I very much enjoyed myself, though there were brief fits of jealousy over the perfection of Shannon McNally's arms. She's very pretty, and very personable-seeming. As is Tracy Bonham. It was Ms. McNally's birthday, and it had been Tracy Bonham's the day before, so they both got wished happy birthday, and Shannon McNally got flowers. Also, Ms. Bonham's mom, dad, and grandma were at the show. Very cool! John Ginty's keyboard playing totally rocked, and his band's percussion section (three guys) was outstanding too. The Bearsville Theater is a terrific venue - open and warm and pretty intimate. I really enjoyed the show (clearly, what with all the superlatives). Sunday - back to homework and studying and cleaning the house. I also made a fabulous pizza - thin crust, topped with tomato confit, caramelized onions, goat cheese, and black olives. Yum. With a side of steamed asparagus, it was delish.

Bird news: I saw a flock of cedar waxwings out behind the lab this morning! It's always a treat to see these guys. They're such lovely birds. I spotted my first brown-headed cowbird of the season as well, and had a song sparrow at the feeder here at work for the first time. I know they're common, but I don't see them at my feeder. Birdsong is in full force around here, which warms the cockles of my cold, dark heart.

Let's see.... what else? Back to school this week, after a wonderful spring break. I got pretty attached to heading straight home after work. Ah, well. Everything good must end. We're going to have a new instructor for lecture now; she'd been out the first half of the semester for some reason. I've not heard good things about her, so I'm a little nervous. It seems a bit.... hmm... unfair? to change instructors on us midstream. I'll deal. As my ex used to say, no one ever said life was fair, except Tony (his best friend).

I'm feeling pretty ok right now. It helped to have a decent weekend, and I did a great abs workout this morning - exercise always, always helps. I am so looking forward to being able to go full bore again once my knee is finished healing! My right quadricep is woefully atrophied, so it will take some time... but I can foresee hiking this season, unlike last year. Yay! I probably won't be back to my full potential until a year from now, but I intend to get there nonetheless.

Well, that's enough out of me. Ah, the boring details of my life. I wish I could say I write an interesting blog; maybe some day. It's still good to have an outlet to write, though I've done precious little of it.

Until later, ta.

Doing a bit better

Acer saccharinum

(taken through the windshield of my car, in traffic)

I'm feeling better today. I'm very tired, with the puffy eyes of a poor night's sleep, but I'm calm and peaceful. Gotta appreciate these feelings when they're present! I've been thinking about Crazy Aunt Purl's latest horoscope for Pisces; it really hit home. If you don't read Aunt Purl, you should - here: http://www.crazyauntpurl.com/ , see her March 7th entry for the horoscopes she writes. I don't generally put any stock in horoscopes... but I do seem uncannily Pisces-like much of the time. For whatever that's worth. At any rate, she put into words something that has settled into my head over the past few days, namely, "So I think that this month (and all the way into the summer) you need to take YOURSELF on as an art project. Evaluate your raw materials, make a list (both a to-do list and a shopping list) and get to work excavating the treasure within." Of course, the words fit neatly into my usual m.o. - the need for constant new beginnings and self-improvement schemes - but this feels a little different. Less manic, more like something that is past due, and something I can do slowly and carefully.

Time is going by altogether too fast, and I don't want to spend what remains of my (relative) youth in the murk of depression and avoidant behavior. I want to grow instead of fleeing from growth. I want to be alive instead of holing up inside my head. I've been neglecting myself in almost every way - physically, emotionally, spiritually. My intellect has been getting a workout, but only because I'm forced to work it for school. I have begun to really dislike myself, and I've never had great self-esteem to begin with. It's not difficult to understand why - would you like someone who wasn't even coming close to living up to their potential? Who trickled along through life like some kind of perpetual leak? Anyhow, enough of the bellyaching. I'm sick of the way I am and I need to change. I just need to keep in mind that I cannot change overnight, or even within a month - not a lot, anyhow. One step at a time. One day at a time. I didn't come to be in this state overnight, certainly.

I feel ok about it. And - thank you once again, all of you - Shannon, Jeci, Deb, Lu, Livewire, L., LittlePea, Roxanne, Ron F., Jenn, Sher.... and anyone I've left out (with all due apologies). Knowing that someone is listening - and keeping in mind the good things you all tell me - is a wonderful, helpful thing indeed. Thank you for being there for me.

Thank you.

Bird on the day she died.

I wanted to thank all of you for your words after my last post. I hate writing that, once again, I'm down, depressed. I hate it. However, it is what is, and of my triumvirate of healing activities, writing seems to be the only one I'm doing (kind of) at present. The other two are seeking God and working out - those two things are calling to me, and I'm just sitting here in a fog ignoring the call. I think I'll be getting off my rear end soon, though, hopefully with regard to both.

I'm posting a picture of my feathered girl. I think I've been ignoring the emotional impact of a number of things that have happened in my life recently, and her death is one of them. It's much easier for me to go into my head and lock the door behind me, emotions be damned, thinking about real things be damned. La la la, fingers in my ears, that sort of thing. And then the emotions come squeaking out anyway - I freeze, speechless, in response to a verbal attack, or I absolutely lose it over a dead squirrel in the road. Somewhere in the midst of this there must be some balance, and it's not going to be found if I'm going to shut myself away from my own emotions, my responses to things occurring in my world. It's pathological, the way I go about feeling things a lot of the time. I certainly don't think it's unique to me - I think many people behave this way, and if not this way, some other way that isn't quite right or healthy. However, my behavior is impacting me in a bad way. I hate to say it's another thing on my endless list of things I need to address, but it is.

I think this goes along pretty well with what I said yesterday. I want to feel, to be alive, in the moment. I tend to keep things all stoppered up, and that is such a bad thing. I'm afraid to face things as they are in the moment. I hate conflict. I constantly want to flee to my head - I'm safe there, I think interesting thoughts, I see beauty, and I don't have to talk to anyone or feel anything. I guess that's not precisely true - I do feel things still, but they're more within my control. Usually. I know all of this isn't particularly healthy, but again, it is what it is. I'm looking to change.

Again, I want to thank you guys who read and take the time to comment here. Some of you I know in person, some of you I wish I did. Maybe someday! If I'm fortunate. All of you are dear to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

(I dedicate this post and much of my love and sadness to Bird)

Ta.

Lampshade on her head. Kind of.

Again with the cat photos

Now I see why you guys who participate in Weekend Cat Blogging limit the cat postings to weekends, lest the blog become All Cat, All the Time. As with parents and the multiple photos of their children, I suspect I'm the only one who thinks Shelby is irresistably adorable and finds it necessary to share every shot of her with the world. Anyhow, yeah. Here she is on the end table that M. made long before we knew each other. That's the dreaded book bag there on the floor, and my beloved Audubon guides on the end table.

I'm not feeling much like blogging, which is pretty much the way I seem to open every entry over the past several months. I'm feeling really stressed - school, work, my relationship with M., the fact that my grandfather is not doing well, the whole "getting older" schtick, my lack of fitness (and concomitantly my constantly injured knee)... all of this and more. It's burying me. Or, perhaps more appropriately, I'm letting it. As it has ever been, at least in the past year or so. I'm sure it makes for pretty tired reading. Sorry about that. It probably doesn't help much that a.) the antidepressants I finally decided I should take are showing no sign of working, b.) I'm not working out because my knee is trashed (which, really, is no excuse - there are plenty of things I could be doing), and c.) M. and I are struggling. It's just.... a lot. For me, anyhow. Trust me when I say I know that many people have it much worse. I understand that, and it makes me feel guilty for being such a wimpo. (note: I accidentally added an "o" to the end of that word. it made me laugh, so it's staying.)

At any rate, I'm not doing all that well. Seeing myself write stuff like this YET AGAIN makes me cringe, believe me, it does. Seems to be the story of my life. Every journal I've ever written since the dawn of time (except for maybe the one I wrote in fourth or fifth grade, when most entries were about my new best friend Shannon, how annoying my brother was, and how much I hated being forced to go to Girl Scouts) has been all about "starting over," - fixing myself, trying to feel better, trying to be better. Over and over and over, nearly every year of my life since my teens. I never get there, and I inevitably crash, and then I spend literally years in this grey haze, time flying by, me getting nowhere and feeling like crap. As down as I am, I'm not nearly as down as I could be, which is a relief. It's not really fun feeling like a mound of fat grey nothingness either, though. Not that life is about fun - I just wish I could feel more alive. I wish I could start enjoying the here and now, stop hurting all the time, stop being so sensitive, so walled-off, so emotionally adolescent. Gah.

A coworker of mine died last Thursday. Her death was completely unexpected; I just found out about it this morning. She was 55 years old, but she looked 40 (or younger) - red haired, freckled, and fit - and she acted 25. She was so vibrant, so alive. We weren't close; she generally worked here only in the summer (during the school year she taught at a local college), but we went out to lunch a number of times, and certainly knew each other well enough to have interesting conversations on occasion. Lately she'd been very stressed, as she was switching jobs, struggling financially, and was in the midst of being treated for Lyme disease. There have been whispers that this was perhaps a suicide. I have a really hard time believing that - she just seemed to find so much juice in life. Her death is tragic. I don't know if we'll find out what happened or not - an autopsy was done because she was a healthy person, but we may not hear the results.

Her passing reminds me that you just never know how much time you have. How many times could be your last time - your last sunset, your last kiss, your last walk in the woods. I'm not saying these things to be morbid - I just want to know, really know in my heart and soul, that life can be good. Life can be enjoyed and full of beauty. I want to feel those things. I'm so tired of being so tired.

Until later, ta.

And more from now!

My office decor

More turkey tracks

An organism called Armillaria (genus - I'm not sure of the species). It's a root rot organism, and it's so cool in culture - these rootlike things you see are growing from a surface culture; I took the photo with the plate upside down. It looks alien, doesn't it?

Well, I'm off for the weekend. Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm taking the day off to relax. I'm going to try, anyhow. We shall see if relaxation is achievable in my current state.

Best to you all.

Ta.

Here and now.

My little plants - the fluffy group on the left are Chamomile. The middle two, plus the one off to the side, are oregano. They didn't fare well because molds got into their soil plugs, but I think I'll be able to save them once they're transplanted. Oregano is such a weed, I'm sure it'll be fine. The four plugs on the right are basil. I'll be transplanting everybody this weekend.

This critter is a "stranger" - a spore landed on a plate of media accidentally with no input from me. This is something I generally want to avoid. I keep stacks of plates in bags that each contain different types of media in order to do various researchy things, and this organism found its way into a bag containing potato dextrose agar supplemented by MBC (a pesticide). I think it's pretty, though my boss said it looks like a wound of some kind. It's all in the way you see it, I suppose! It might be a Fusarium; otherwise, I really have no idea.

Turkey tracks out back! My office window feeder from a different angle. There's a female cardinal in the small tree in the background.

Fascinating photographic details of my life AT THIS MOMENT! I have figured out how to get my pictures up quickly, and it's kind of fun. I know the absorbing details of my life are not particularly...well, absorbing, but it's fun nonetheless.

More in a bit.

For your perusal

My feet, and my dining room

I'm off to clinicals now, hideous white uniform and all. This is part of my tiny house. The bird used to live on the right side of the picture, by the table. I wish she was still there. I hate that she's gone. If you look closely, you can see a gouge out of the wall there where the bird used to be. That's because I knocked the sun (hanging on the wall) off, and one of its rays chunked out a portion of the plaster of the wall. Not that you care. Instead, look at my lovely socked feet.

Ta.

p.s. Shannon - you gave me the mug that's on the table! Just so you know.

Blurred, but with eyes open

Tiny Queen, eyes open at last

So, yeah - there she is, my kitteh! Curled up on The Fuzzy Penguin Blanket (of olde - I got it my freshman year in college, which means it would qualify for carbon dating at this point). I was home yesterday, spending some extra hours studying for my midterm (which went horribly wrong... I've already used up all my energy ranting about it to everyone I know, just about, so the story of the midterm will have to come later)... and I took the opportunity to photograph my fuzzy girl in the sunlight, sans flash. I haven't mastered the use of the camera yet - as you can see, blurriness abounds - but it seems as though every picture I put up of my cat has her squinting or with eyes closed. No, this is not important in the grand scheme of things, but it's bugging me, and God knows we can't have that.

I am in a terribly irritable mood today. It has to do with lots of things, including my new jihad against the way my school chooses to test future nurses. As I said, I will get into that later. I also had respirator fit testing today - not a horrible thing, but it would seem that I have no future in deep sea diving, astronauting, or anything at all involving wearing a mask on one's face. I managed to keep from ripping the mask from my cranium (and following that with dramatic gasping for air) throughout the nine minutes I had to wear the thing, but just barely. It's funny what you can still discover about yourself even when you've lived with yourself your whole life. Which begs the question of why I even have a mask. Theoretically (well, in fact, but it seems like theory), I am a certified pesticide applicator in this state, for which I need a fitted respirator. In reality, I never do any spraying, and that's probably a good thing, given my apparent tendency toward panic within a mask. Anyhow, that's another thing adding to my irritation. I also haven't finished my homework for clinicals, I had to waste time and gas to go home at lunch to retrieve my forgotten name tag for the nursing home tonight, I am very tired, I have cramps, I have a brilliant red and very much picked-at zit right between my eyebrows, I am feeling like a fat cow (moo), I have a headache, and I want to punch a wall. I am completely at odds with the universe at this moment, and I am well aware of the irrationality of much of this emotional foolishness, which further adds to my discomfiture.

GAH.

Anyhow, my cat is cute. That helps.

Eyes closed

Shelby Cat at Watering Hole

Hello there. It's Monday again, somehow. I'm not very excited about the fact, but here we are nonetheless. I feel as though I'm on a large, invisible hamster wheel, never really accomplishing anything and never really getting anywhere. I'm tired and I'm mentally worn out. The critter you see in the above photos is partially to blame for the former condition - lately, she has insisted upon sleeping on my body all night long, despite the fact that there is plenty of bed available for her. If I push her off too many times, she retaliates by leaping aggressively onto my hip and standing there, staring down at me, paws all pokey and hard. It's amazing how much nine pounds can weigh at two a.m. There's no point in locking her out of the room, either - she will tirelessly rub the door until she gains readmittance. So, yeah, I'm losing sleep because of a cat. It's more than that, though.... I've just got this overall weariness going on. Probably has something to do with working full time, going to school essentially full time, and being the primary caretaker of the house. Bleah.

Moving on. I reinjured my knee last week. I can't recall if I said something about it here or not. At any rate, I slipped on the wet entryway floor at the conference center where we had meetings last week, BAM! right onto the post-surgical knee. The knee is now back to pre-surgical dimensions of swelling and pain. I can't say I'm overjoyed about this development. I see the doctor next week - hopefully he won't tell me I've undone what he did in there surgically. Pretty depressing. Nonetheless, I did go for a short walk on Saturday here:

http://www.scenichudson.org/parks/shparks/shaupeneak/index.html It's a nice little park. I gathered some skeletal late summer flowers (Queen Anne's Lace, goldenrod, spotted knapweed, and a few others) as well as some dried grasses & made a lovely bouquet with them. I also spotted some bear tracks (!!) and watched an enormous "V" of Canada geese go honking by overhead. It was nice to get out for a bit, even if I was limping.

Well, that's it for now. Per usual nothing terribly exciting - just checking in.

Until later, ta.

Unrelated photos, Part... meh. Yes, again.

A corner of Lake George, with pine.

Avast, ye! I am back. As per usual, I don't feel like writing, but I'm going to write anyway! Onward, ho.

As a step toward becoming more timely with my photos, I did bring my camera to work today. However, hooking it up to the computer would involve much frustration, so - steps. Small steps. Tomorrow, I'll bring it in from the car, aka my mobile purse. Not that I have any recent photos on it yet, really - I think the newest ones are four shots attempting to catch my cat drinking out of my water glass with her eyes open. The flash tends not to trump physiology, though, so every shot is of a squinty Shelby drinking water. It's cute, but probably just to me. I might post the photos anyway, but that'll be later. In summary - sometime soon, I will be posting timely photos. Which will result in unrestrained celebration all over the world!

Moving on.

I did my first bed bath last night. My patient was very good to me. She was so patient - which begs the question about the word 'patient.' I'm not a linguist, but I will happily assign the task of researching the word to Shannon, http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/, should she care to look into the matter. At any rate, my patient was more patient with me than I deserved, probably. I gave her good care, but I was also kind of like the three stooges embodied in one, running to and fro from the linen closet. The hardest part for me was the peri care. When Deb (http://tiredmummy.blogspot.com/) talked about peri care, I didn't really know what she meant. Now I do. Handling another person's genitals is not an easy thing. Nor should it be, I suppose. It's also not horrifying. I was worried, going into the bed bath situation, about the other person's dignity. I was also worried about my own reactions to cleaning someone I don't know. Ultimately, it was ok. My patient's dignity was preserved, and I was able to wash her and put her to bed warm and safe and - clean. Of course, the bath is not all about the peri care, it's about the whole person. Henceforth, I will be better with bed baths because I won't be so nervous about the undercarriage bit.

I was very fortunate to be able to work with a very sweet woman. She has two kids who are older than me. I wish I could tell them that I care for their mother. I hope that she knows I do too. From what I've gathered in my reading, nurses are sometimes venerated, sometimes reviled, and sometimes just ignored. I think what I did last night, clumsy though it was, was real care. I care about the woman I put to bed. That doesn't make me a genius or a saint or someone to scoff at for my lack of education - it makes me human, and a student.

I guess that's it for now. More on the morrow.