Hey there, folks!

Inside my beloved Gator

Foxtail grass in a potted tree

Shepherd's purse, potted tree

Farm equipment

First apple blooms, horticulture greenhouse

Hi there. How were your weekends? Mine was ok. Busy, lots of cooking and housework and studying (not enough of those two latter; I cooked like a maniac, though). I'm starting the week off tired, which kind of sucks. Meh. I completely forgot to take my meds all weekend, so I wonder if the tiredness and semi-poor attitude has anything to do with that? I have no idea. I'm back on them again, thank goodness.

Not much new to report. It's raining and cold and horrible here today. I pruned trees for something like 45 minutes before I had to retreat - sleet/snow/freezing rain drove me out of the orchard and back to the lab. It's discouraging because I'm such a molasses-slow pruner that every moment really does count. However, slush building up on the ladder rungs lends the job a bit more danger than I should probably be chancing, especially given my general lack of grace. I don't need any extra assistance in falling off of a ladder, thank you very much. I guess I'll be spending the rest of the day scrubbing apple boxes in the greenhouse. Which is also very cold, but at least it's under cover.

I guess that's it. Snore. Maybe more tomorrow - we shall see. One of these days I will write something vaguely interesting - I promise! Until later, then, ta.

Quite tired. In a good way.

Shadow legs.

Craggy old guy, right outside the fence of the orchard.

My girl. All the other stuff is extraneous.

I'm not really sure what I was doing with my arm here. Maybe pointing down the row? Showing how I carry the pruners? I have no idea. Dorkness. Anyhow, I am about 3/4's of the way through with pruning this row that you see here. It is slow-going because I am an uneducated ruffian with regard to tree-pruning. Good to be outside, though.

Blurry, and also - well, I was going to say I don't always look so grim. I do smile. I'm kinda tired right now, though, and the concentration on the self-portrait-taking seals the whole grimness deal. And yes, that is a zit that I could not stop picking at on the end of my nose. It would have been gone weeks ago if I'd left it alone.

The tiredness is from several days of outside work (YAY!), the usual school bit, and the shortness of sleep. Five, six hours per night? Anyway, lots of people work with that, and apparently I am among them, so why should I even mention it? Because I am being piteous, apparently. Moving on, then. I will sign in again tomorrow. Ta, and take care.

For lack of a more interesting greeting - hi.

Milkweed pod, sans seeds and silk.

Another in the series of Anne's obsession with grapevine twistiness

North forty on a cold March day. Nice to be outside anyway!

My darling Gator, who I love oh so much.

Hi there. I am tired. I was in a terrific mood earlier, and I kind of still am, I'm just tired. It's a long week by Wednesday these days, thanks to school. Anyhow - I have to say this: HURRAY FOR ANTIDEPRESSANT MEDICATION!!! I couldn't feel much more strongly about this. Before I started on it this time (note: I should never have gone off of it), I was starting to cut again in small doses.... but most people never even consider such things, as I understand it, so small doses of cutting are really too much. And now I'm not. I'm not even thinking about it. I am even-keel, and I have been ridiculously cheerful this week - I have gotten a number of unsolicited comments on this note from classmates and coworkers. It's nice to know that I've changed. That's not to say that I'm going to become some happybot, because that's just not the way these things work... it's just that, boy, I feel so much better. Capable of joy, capable of ordinary happiness. That's pretty damned amazing. Well, I must vamoose, so I shall check in again tomorrow. Best to you all.

Monday. It always comes around, doesn't it?

Paws. With unclipped nails on the back ones.

Shelby-girl on a pillow.

Again, with laundry.

And again, the whole picture. She's my friend through everything, including the dreaded study sessions. Which are many. She has also been my friend through thick and thin. Lots of thin.

Alders from below. Such a pretty, pretty blue sky. I couldn't restrain myself from doing the branches against the sky thing again. Seriously.

View of my lab from one of the orchard blocks. It's a pretty steep hill; don't know if you can tell or not from the picture. It's rather exhilarating driving down into that space you see.

Alder catkins blowing in the wind.

The same ones, sitting a bit stiller. I took pictures of these because they are starting to open up - to release their pollen. They're looking longer, more stretched out, and you can see a little green in between the scales. I took a photo of these same catkins awhile back (I'll try to link to it later.), and you can see the difference over time.

I am on my way home from class, so I really don't have time to write. What I really wanted to do is to dedicate this entry to Sher - http://whatdidyoueat.typepad.com/what_did_you_eat/2008/03/wcb-seasons-of.html . She loves her Upsie as I love Shelby. Best to you, Sher and Upsie. Much love.

Very exciting photos. And also - day three of the exercise regime! Huzzah!

Hello. I am squinty.

Watching the camera handle dangle. And yes, I know - blurry.

My lab coat and my feet in my lab. AMAZING.

Happy Fridays to you! Also, my apologies for the plethora of cat photos. It's difficult to resist photographing her, and of course I feel the need to share her with the world, so - there you go.

Two things to address today. Or possibly one, we'll see if I can get to the second one right now or not. I have Lots of Work to do and little time to do it in, so we shall see. First - Jeci (http://www.blueyonbelly.com/) is with me on the whole disliking of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," and I am glad for that. I think Jeci is awesome, so it's nice to have some complicity in my distaste for this book with someone I admire. I too was bored silly by it - and when I was attempting to read it? Alas, I was trying to be cool. Which is a completely ridiculous reason for reading a book. The fact that I tried so many times makes me laugh now. I carried that stupid book from apartment to apartment, for years. I think it was finally ruined in a flood in the late 90's. Thank goodness. Otherwise I might still have the bloody thing. I always figured I just wasn't hip enough to "get it." This is quite possibly the case, as I am easily the least hip person I know. Anyway, yeah. Dumb book.

The other thing was going to be about the lack of tenderness in my life - something Kari agreed with in my comments below that particular post, if you're wondering - and I wanted to talk about that a little more. However, I am running short on time, and the things I want to express don't lend themselves to short time. Maybe next week.

So, my dearests - until Monday, take care. I hope your weekends are good ones. Ta.

Three things. No, four.

1. Happy Birthday, Dad, even though you don't read this blog (thank goodness)!!

2. I worked out today, so we shall call this DAY TWO of THE RETURN OF THE EXERCISE. In all caps, no less.

3. I tried many, many times to read "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance." I could never get past about page 20.

4. I have nice hair.

the end. until tomorrow.

Take it easy. Also? Holy crap!

Such is my response to my first real exercise in (gulp) months.

"Take it easy" is one of those catch phrases from AA, a group with which I am uncomfortably familiar. I have found this phrase's simplicity and applicability to many aspects of my life comforting. I say it to myself when I'm getting carried away by something or another, which I am prone to do all too often. This time, jumping rope interspersed with a series of calisthenics. While it felt good, it was also excruciatingly disheartening to come face to face with how out of shape I really am. Hence, take it easy. I can't expect to just bounce right back after such a long hiatus - it's impossible, and if I expect it of myself, I'm just encouraging failure. So take it easy. One day at a time. And yes, I know that one's from AA too! These little mantras can be oddly helpful. Anyhow, we'll call this DAY ONE - THE RETURN OF EXERCISE!

"Holy crap!" This one is easy - I can't believe the things I used to do with relative ease. Running miles and miles, climbing mountain after mountain, running stairs for hours, pushing and punishing my body over and over again, and loving/hating/loving every minute of it. I didn't need alcohol or relationships or food or anything else - just me and my body and the workout. How I was in love with it! And how I really do miss it. I want it back. And now, for some small goals - I need to keep them reasonable for now. The craziness can come later, when I'm fit again.

Three goals, in no particular order: 1. exercise every day, even if it's only going for a walk and doing some abs and push-ups. Every day! 2. get back to the gym starting tomorrow; go there at least 3 times/week - school will prevent much more than that for now, but 3 times is good. 3. get back in the pool one month from today.

There. I feel good. Until the morrow, b'bye.

Hello.

Entrance to a local park that I love.

So. Hi there. (twiddles thumbs, looks bored...) I don't really have much to say right now. Things are same-old same-old around these parts. I am on spring break, which is nice - no going to school this week. It hasn't really felt like much of a break, though. Monday I was at the vet with Shelby until nearly 8 pm (vet was running very late; she's fine, but I am going to have two small masses removed surgically from her in May. Yikes.), and last night we were at city hall from 7 to 9:30 pm at a property reassessment meeting. Our city just went from a 24% assessment to 100% assessment and our taxes are going to increase by over $700. In my opinion, they were already way too high. Suck. I hate this state sometimes. The government is an enormous, obscene bureaucracy and the tax burden is just astonishing. And yay, Eliot Spitzer, you giant jackass! Feh. M. adamantly refuses to move anywhere else, ever. Blah blah blah, etcetera.

Things on the relationship front are also the same, which is to say not very good. We exist together but that's about it. I miss having someone care for me - I miss gentleness and tenderness. If I'm totally honest with myself, I have to say M. was never those things from the beginning. He did try. It's been a few years since he did, though. This may sound silly and overly romantic, but I miss someone simply touching my arm softly, or my hair; someone stroking my skin or kissing my forehead, touching my face, holding my hand. I have often claimed not to need such things, but I find that I sort of do need them. Or want them, anyway. Simple things like this. I don't long for anything more than that; just these little things. Sigh.

Man, do I sound like a loser. Pathetic. I feel as though all I ever do is complain. My apologies. I have to stay focused on the things I can do that are helping me - doing well in school and getting my degree, and continuing with the mental health improvement. Speaking of which, I forgot to take my meds again today. Never fear - I have decided to keep some of my pills here at work for just such a dilemma, so I shall take them now.

Bleh - this entry is dull and depressing. I shall sign off until tomorrow, after I have snapped myself out of this pity party act. Ta for now.

Monday, Monday.

Another view of the microscope room, shifted to the left from the below shot.

Acid!

I'm cheating with these photos - I took them Friday and just didn't upload them. I know, I know - contain yourselves. How dare I force you to wait an entire weekend before seeing them. I understand - they really are that exciting.

Moving on. My birthday was yesterday. It kind of sucked. It's a bit silly to feel let down about how your birthday went at my age, but I do feel a little let down nonetheless. M. and I didn't sleep in the same bed again (his cough and snoring), and when he came into the guest room on my birthday morning, he said, "You know what day it is?" I answered, "My birthday!" He was like, "Yeah. And we have to change the clocks - it's daylight savings time." No emphasis at all on my birthday, no "happy birthday, Anne," nothing. Just - change the clocks. After that, I spent the morning cleaning the house because his family was coming over for a dual celebration - my birthday and his mother's, which is this week. The family arrived, and we spent the afternoon out to lunch and then at a St. Patrick's day parade. We went back to the house and I served up the cake my mother-in-law brought, made coffee and served that up, ate no cake myself because I don't like sweets, and then cleaned all the dishes by myself while everyone lingered until 6 pm. Which pretty much shot the day, because I also had to do the laundry and go grocery shopping. What fun! Yes, I know - I am martyring myself for a small thing. Wah, I had to do the dishes on my birthday, etcetera. I know. All I really wanted was to have time to myself - to read, to go to a local garden show, to relax. Instead, I spent it running around for M.'s family with pretty much no input from him. I do care for his family, but I feel like they don't really know me. I'm sort of a family joke in some ways - Anne who is "so smart," so vegetarian, so highly verbal that we can't understand her, who is weirdly ungirly with her non-make-up wearing and ragged clothes and ridiculous love for animals. They do respect these differences, but they also don't really get me, and they do all laugh about these things. I know it's in good fun, and that's fine, but it feels kind of isolating. I miss my family, my friends - the ones who do get me, who don't think I'm some sort of anomaly.

Anyway, I realize that this is all intensely self-centered. My in-laws are good people. They mean well, and they probably do care about me. I'm just really tired. That's my way of saying - again - that things aren't going well, and I'm too.... apathetic? energyless? exhausted? depressed? to change it. As I have said, my two main goals this year are to finish the nursing program and to address my mental health. I am actively doing both, so that's something. And some good news? That test I thought I bombed? I got a 94 on it! No, I'm not quite sure how that happened. Seriously. I'm pretty happy about it, though! On that note, I'm signing off until tomorrow. Best to you all.

The weekend is here.

Lab stuff.

Best weekends to all of you. I am so tired. That will pass, I know. Meanwhile, I am so glad that spring is coming - the birdsong is so very heart-lifting. Stay well.

EEEEE. Also, hi. And here's my cat.

Yes, I know it's blurry. Still, though - so cute, my girl! And - pshaw, I'm not biased. She's adorable!

Blurry again, but I love these little feet. I love that she's brown-tigery with one peach-colored back foot and a peach-colored toe on the other.

My favorite pose, the upsidedown kitty-head.

Hello there. I'm feeling a little wild at the moment - tired tired tired from days of little sleep, and I still have to go to clinical for six hours tonight. EEEEE. Do not want to go, DO NOT. I should stop complaining - I am happy to be training as a nurse, and I look forward to getting the degree. It's just that... I am so freaking sick of school I could just.... errrrr.... I don't know, split down the middle into a big pile of angry guts. Angry, screaming guts that refuse to do their homework. Underslept, annoyed, tired angry guts. You get the idea. Indeed. The exam last night? It sucked. I hope that I got at least a 70.

Moving on. I guess I don't really have much else to say. I'm doing some labwork these days, and the math involved nearly split my head in two. Normally it wouldn't cause more than a passing headache, but I think my brain is a little stressed out. Soon, though, I shall be working in the blessed outdoors again! WHEE!! I can hardly wait! I need to figure out some way to be an outdoors nurse. Hmmm. Any suggestions? Meanwhile, as per a discussion with My Shannon, I am falling ever more in love with the idea of being on my own. That's both good and bad, on a number of different levels. I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but still - I had to say something because I'm bursting to talk about it in all of its pros and cons. Again, though - not fair to M., so I need to think about how I will talk about stuff and if I even should. Deb ( http://tiredmummy.blogspot.com/) had a good idea in that I should write it all down in a journal. That would probably help. I don't mean to sound flippant about the topic - I am anything but. I'm just really tired of how things are and have been for far too long. The meds? They are helping. On that note, I shall sign off. Until the morrow... ta.

Tuesday March fourth.

Yes indeed it is!

I have no photos for you today, lame or otherwise. I left my camera at home in order to keep myself in the building - I have a midterm tonight and any spare scraps of time need to be spent studying, not taking pictures. And probably studying instead of blogging. I just wanted to check in. I don't have any real news for you. I could go on and on about diabetes, renal failure, and COPD right now, but that would just be boring. Come 5 pm tonight, though, I'm sure it won't seem so boring anymore, as I sweat my way through a midterm I didn't study enough for. On one hand, there is never enough time for study; on the other, I know I waste a lot of my (relatively rare) free time succumbing to the reading of library books. Escapism. That's what I'm best at, I think. Which is an entirely different entry, one that I would probably benefit from writing. Anyhow, hello.

Things on the home front. I want to talk about it, but I also feel guilty when I do. Nothing new has occurred. I am like a child with little self-control, though - I long to talk about how things are going, and I only barely stop myself from pouring it all out here. That wouldn't be fair, though, and I would hate myself in the morning, so to speak. So until I have something substantive and fair to write... suffice to say that my relationship is taking up a lot of my thinking time lately. I will share my conclusion with you, though - not that you haven't heard it before, you few who read here! - I really really believe that I was meant to be alone. Not friendless, and probably with several cats, a parrot, a dog, maybe a goat... but not in an intimate relationship.

On that perfectly brilliant note, I am off. I probably won't check in again till Thursday. I've had a total of 8 hours of sleep over the past two days, and the trend will continue tonight because I have to prep for tomorrow's patient. I hope you all are well. Ta for now.