Yes. More photos.

Plum blossoms

And again.

Catkins in the hedgerow

Up.

Workload. Fun! Seriously.

Youthful Virginia creeper leafies.

Grape buds with the usual grapevine twistiness in the background. I ask you, how can you not take pictures of such spirally beauty?! Ahem.

Pear blossoms

...and more pear blossoms. I was leaving on vacation shortly before I took these photos, so I had no choice as to the grey weather. They probably would've looked prettier with a blue sky behind them, but... oh well. And I think they're pretty anyway, and I also like a nice grey sky, so... um... there.

Well, that's it from me for the weekend. I hope you all are well, and have good things to do. I shall be doing housework, reading as much non-textbook material as I can stuff into my brain (and believe me, it's a prodigious amount), and other random things. I will kiss my cat probably several hundred times (poor baby!), I will water my few plants, and I will try to be grateful for the good things in my life. I'm a bit of a grabby, nongrateful type if I don't watch out for it. Ta, then, until Monday.

Random photos

I have a gazillion or so more tree blossom photos to get up here - which needs to be done post haste, given that bloom time is well past at this point! - but I wanted to get these random shots out of the way first. They won't be all that exciting to you, I'm guessing, but I want them up for myself. The nature of blogging is rather self-centered, so that's alright by me. Without further ado:

Pear tree with kaolin application

Same as above, from a distance

Yes, I know. More grape vine stuff.

And more!

Reflection

Up the hill, west entomology block

Down the hill to the lab

Cedar-apple rust lesion

And another. Alien-looking, aren't they?

Looking out to the north 40

Alrighty, then. Those are some of the random photos I'm getting out of the way before I end up publishing spring photos in September. I'm already way behind; my camera is full of more current stuff.

First off, I want to apologize if I've gotten way too personal for you readers of late. I'm not taking down anything I've written, because it adds to the whole of the text, so to speak, but I'll try not to go there again. I know I've already said this, but I wanted to reiterate. My aim wasn't to denigrate M., it was to support myself. That doesn't need to be done online, necessarily, so - I'm sorry.

In other news... there really isn't any. Work is very busy, as usual, and school starts on Monday. The highlight of my day thus far was watching three pairs of birds (grackle, starling, and mockingbird) verbally harrass and take swoopy dives at a pair of crows. The noise level was astonishing - and somehow really fun to hear - and the attacks made me laugh. I know it's serious business for the smaller birds, given the crows' tendency toward nest-raiding... but such things make me smile anyway. The crows were finally driven off, after much ado. It was a wonderful drama to behold. Well, on that note... I'm signing off for now. I probably won't have time to write again till Monday, so - happy weekends to you all! Ta.

More spring, belatedly.

Ok, I did try to put these pictures in an order that makes sense, but I messed up my posting order and I really don't have time to correct it. That I am posting at all is a small miracle, and I'm sure I'll end up regretting the time spent at some point! At any rate, more spring stuff. Peaches, this time.

Row of peach trees pre-bloom.

Out-of-the-timeline photo. This was supposed to come later in the series, but here it is, in all of its glory! It really is pretty, isn't it?

Back in time again to the bud stage!

More buds.

Another shot like the out-of-order one above.

Flowers!

An inexplicable shot of my feet. On a rock. Yay!

Peach flower close-up. Can you see how lucky I am to work here, getting to see this each season? (this is my last season here, as far as I know, which makes me very sad.)

Aaaaannnnd.... more peach blooms!

Now for something completely different: maple keys on a grey day. Don't ask. I don't know why I put it here.

****************

So - hi there. I don't have much to say, nor much time to say it in. School starts next week, something that I am simultaneously glad for (the sooner I'm done, the sooner I'm done, after all, plus I get to see my friends again) and not glad for (will I have the ability to do well when my home life is in an uproar? Am I terribly cold to even be thinking that way? And also - yuck. I am so tired of studying. Or, more to the point, because I do love learning - I am so tired of taking tests). Work is very busy, which is good. Other than those things, I have nothing to add that wouldn't dive back into the realm of the Too Personal, so I shall sign off. I hope to have some time to write tomorrow or Friday. Meanwhile, best to you all.

Spring

Apricots

Pretty, eh? I think so. I'll try to mete out my flower pictures - wait till I get to the apples, I was out of control with those guys!. Anyhow - pretty.

I'm going to make an announcement that will surprise exactly no one: things are once again bad in my relationship with M. Horrible, in fact. Henceforth, though, I am not going to be talking about it here. It serves no one, and it's just ugly to put it out there. I'll leave up what I have up, but no more after this. Whatever happens will happen, and I will probably allude to it because major changes are in order one way or the other. However, no more details, no more moaning and complaining. He doesn't deserve it, and it feels wrong to talk about these things so publicly. So - there you have it.

That's all for now. Ta.

Once more, I am busy busy busy!

SEXAY!

So, in lieu of the spring orchard shots I have gazillions of, I present you instead with this marvelous shot of me and Shelby-cat. I might have time later today to organize all the fruit blossom photos I have (probably far too many, but I just couldn't help myself - so ephemeral! so pretty!); we shall see. I have a ton of work to do, so maybe, maybe not. Since getting back from vacation last Wednesday, I've been running like a maniac here at work - which is good, but I do miss reading your blogs and writing here. C'est la vie, I suppose. I'll get around to it sooner or later!

Things are more or less the same in my life, though much more relaxed for the lack of school. Unfortunately, it starts up again in a week and a half - ugh. UGH, I say! And now, I am off to do orchard work... cutting root suckers (one of my least favorite jobs, as it involves much troll-like bent-over hobbling around - back-killing stuff), and then tying tree supports to their overhead wire. And then... a fire blight experiment in the lab, and then pressure testing of a bunch of apples from a post-harvest experiment, and then trimming potted trees in the greenhouse... and then weeding those same trees... and then fertilizing those trees... and etcetera. As you can see, a full slate. And so, my dears who still bother to read here - ta for now, and best to you all!

Who do I love?

Simon LeBon, John Taylor, Andy Taylor, Nick Rhodes, and Roger Taylor.

Indeed.

Seriously. They were so cute! I have spent the past few hours gobbling up old 80's videos, loving the music and also remembering why these guys had my heart in their hands, despite their ignorance of my existence. I don't have internet access at home, and I have no sound at work where I do have internet access, and holy cow, man! I can't stop listening to old music, watching old videos! (right now, "The Dangerous Type" by the Cars). It's been a festival of these bands: Duran Duran, New Order, Tears for Fears, Thompson Twins, Erasure, Pet Shop Boys, INXS, Depeche Mode, Howard Jones, Robert Plant (sans Zep), The Cure, The Fixx, and yes I know I am dating myself horribly. There are others. Which include... much to my embarassment, I suppose - Billy Squier. He was sexy, in a very strange way. (she said defensively).

I have failed to include in my list of bands that I would have been exploring in 9th grade: the Police (meh, yes, they're talented, but really no, not for me.), Kajagoogoo (who I will look up shortly), Rod Stewart (huh?...except I really did love the song "Baby Jane." Indeed.), REM (yes, I still like them), the Alarm (no comment, really), U2 (clearly they're fine without my help... and yes, I do still like them, mostly), and Tom Petty. And the Heartbreakers, I suppose. There are others. This is fun! I had no idea how fun it could be having the internet AND SPEAKERS! Yay! No poking fun. I'm allowed these little joys, right? Of course I am. Everybody wants me, according to Billy. Which means I can do pretty much anything.

Alrighty, then. Goodnight, I think!

Gorging myself...on the internet! Whee!

The bride. Ugh.

Hi there! So yeah, that's me there, pre-wedding. With the nice hair and hands emotive of my despair in trying to figure out how to apply makeup. And again - ugh. What does this have to do with internettiness? Well, all the reading I'm doing - writing by amazing women (those in my sidebar, and their links and commenters) who are honest and real and achieving actual growth. With grace, humility, clarity. I want to be them. I want to stop with all the whining, all the hand-wringing. I have said this on any number of occasions in the past, so I don't expect you to believe I'm suddenly going to burst free from whatever self-imposed chains I'm wearing right now. However, I am getting closer to bending the links of these chains. Gotta say again - it's the medication in the main... it frees me up to actually spend my energy on something other than trying not to die or drink myself to death. It's also my fantastic cadre of friends and family, who continue to love me and believe in me despite the preponderance of evidence that says maybe they shouldn't. It's the spring, my wonderful job, doing well in nursing school, physical activity - it's a lot of things. Point being, I'm starting to feel as though I might be able to make the changes that need to be made. I'm not there yet - I need to really think through what needs to be done, what I want, how things might play out. There is the danger of getting mired in these thoughts, paralyzed by the possibilities, so I will try hard to keep moving even as I think.

Anyway... sorry, I'm just tossing fragments of thought out there. I guess that's how it's going to work for now! On that note, I'm going shopping with my mom. I'm not the shopper - she is - but I do need to spend time with her, and so off we go! More later, and thank you for listening to my meanderings.

p.s.

I remember now why I always wanted to cancel sleep when I was a kid. If I always felt this way? I would never want to sleep until I just fell over dead or otherwise. I'm awake! And there's so much to learn live know learn! I love people and I hate them, and the same with life. Plants, animals? Love. Love! This life? I bite it, crunch it between my teeth. Brave words, I know, from someone who needs to make big decisions. Let it be, for these days. I am thinking, and I am trying to be who I am. It could be that I can't stand being otherwise when I go back to NY. That's all for now.

Again from Ohio

Anne, Dad, Shelby

Hello. I'm sitting here listening to my latest obsession in music, KT Tunstall. You missed my Britney Spears phase (which is actually still in progress) because I didn't talk about it. I am nothing less than a philistine with regard to music and that's fine. I will roll around in it, and it will still be fine - I will still stuff my head with whatever has caught my ear until my ear falls off and runs away. Indeed.

I am sitting here, yes, sitting. Thinking. I could live here. My parents would have me here in a heartbeat, and I miss them all the time. That's all, for now.

p.s. You see where I get the squinty eyes? It's in the genes!

OHIO!

Not Ohio, but this is my mom, and me looking incredibly dorky. What a surprise.

Again, not in Ohio, but this is me holding Pauly (from Catskill Animal Sanctuary, see links in sidebar), standing with my dad.

So - that's my way of saying hello from Ohio, and these parental types are who I am visiting. YAY! It's only Wednesday night, which means Le Heedee-uss final was last night. Holy cats, man. It seems like sooo much longer ago than a mere 24 hours. Funny how time stretches and compresses at the end of the semester. At any rate, here I am in Ohio. I arrived late this afternoon. I just spent a very enjoyable evening with my mom and dad - it's so very, very nice to see them. It's been way too long - over a year. I miss them every day, so it's great to be here, especially given the stress of late. I feel completely at ease here, though to be honest I'm still pretty keyed up. My dad says I'll probably feel like a new person by Saturday - he should know, having been through years more schooling than me. Simply, it's wonderful to be here.

I don't really have much to say right now - I'm pretty much running on fumes at this point - but I wanted to check in. The final was pretty horrid; I'll find out what I got on Friday. I had an A going into it, but I'm pretty certain I blew it last night. Ah, well. At least there was a nice cushion for me to do badly, right? I'll keep you posted. I'm sure you'll all be waiting with baited breath. Or is it bated? Bated isn't even a word, is it? Moving on.

I also wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support. Your words and kind thoughts mean more to me than you can know. I feel like I'm letting everyone down by talking about how things are and then doing nothing about it... but that's not actually true, at least not at this point. I said at the beginning of the year - mental health improvement and finishing my RN are my top priorities, and I'm getting those ducks in a row. Ultimately, things with my relationship have to change, that much is clear. For now, though, I don't think I can make big, sweeping changes with regard to it. Maybe that will change next week, maybe I'll be able to hold out to the end of the RN - I don't know. What I do know is that there will be change. (ed. note: if I write the word "change" one more time, I am going to kick myself in the shins. Good Lord. Yes, I'm exhausted and my mental thesaurus is thusly handicapped.) The better I feel and the closer I am to being finished, the stronger I get. I suppose that's all I have to say on that topic for the moment - I'm so tired my eyes are practically crossing. I hope I'm making some scrap of sense. I'll sign back in tomorrow. Again - thank you, thank you, thank you.... and take care.

So.

Since my life seems to be an open book lately, I suppose I can continue along those lines. Probably not the best decision I've ever made, but there it is. Or, rather - here it is.

I am feeling ashamed and grief-stricken and uncertain and more or less horrible today. Last night, I was meaner, crueler, than I think I have ever been to a human being on purpose. (I know I've been those things unintentionally in the past, though rarely, thank God) I went on the offensive against M., and I was like a crazy person. I spewed out every terrible thing I had ever thought, every slight I had ever felt, every resentment that had ever lurked in my mind, unspoken. To top it all off, I was also casually, pointlessly mean - I actually made a withering comment about his vocabulary and the way he talks. That is so incredibly low, I can't even believe I said it. I am mortified by the way I behaved. Being aggressively cruel like that just is not in my nature, at least not usually. In the end, he told me that he doesn't even like me anymore, that he wants a divorce, that he only hopes I will be as fair with him as I was with Marc. (note: I was fair to Marc materially and monetarily, I think, but I'm sure I wasn't necessarily fair emotionally. Just want to keep things clear.)

(deep breath) I do not know what I want at this point. I know what other people want for me, and I know I've been acting like a separation is what I desire, but on the brink of it now? I'm just not sure. Divorce is a terrible thing; it destroys so much. Break-ups are bad regardless, but to me it seems divorce is even worse than that. Vows spoken in a church are broken. That wedding dance you did, both of you so happy? That memory is smashed, along with so many others. It is heartbreaking on so many levels, I have a hard time even seeing through my tears to talk about them. I don't know what I am going to do, or how I am going to muddle through this; I don't know what to do. He may not give me a choice in the matter; if he files for divorce, I won't fight it. How can I? In the face of all the odds, I still think we have a chance. I don't know why I think that, but I do. I don't hate him, and when I step back from a situation I am too close to, I have focused too much on negatives, and I haven't tried hard enough to make things more positive between us. Instead, I have retreated into a shell, where I read books and study and avoid him. He has done the same, except that he goes into his shop, smokes cigars, listens to music, and fiddles with woodworking projects. We haven't communicated in any real way for a few years now. It's a little bit stunning to realize that. I am afraid of him, and he is, in his own way, afraid of me. How did we get here?

I don't think we are the best match known to man, certainly. We would both probably be better off either alone or with someone different. However, we are together, and that means something. When I go home tonight, I am going to lay all my cards on the table, apologize for being so awful, and then the ball will be in his court. That's all I can do right now.

Just as an addendum, let me say this: I know he has been cruel to me, verbally abusive, untrusting, and physically threatening. I'm not forgetting those things. It could be that there is no hope left. I just need to be sure. He is not a horrible human being, and it just kills me to see him hurting, especially when I am the cause of it. So - there you have it. That's where I am right now. It should be fun to see how much studying I can actually accomplish in the face of this. This pretty much sucks.

Over and out, then. I won't be in till Tuesday, unless by some miracle I am able to get enough study in to feel comfortable not taking Monday off. I wish you all the best. Take care of yourselves and your loved ones. Ta.

Briefly....

...I passed my final assessment for the semester! My lecture final is next Tuesday. More later.