Happy weekends to you

Male cardinal chewing on suet cake, part one.

Same bird resting between chewings.

Another shot of the biting of the suet cake. I know - the window is filthy. I blame the birds.

This bird made me laugh like crazy because, one, he figured out that the suet cake would be yummy and good to eat, and two, he looked SO SILLY standing on his birdy tip-toes to reach it. I have since lowered the whole thing so that other birds besides woodpeckers and itty bitty guys like chickadees and titmice can reach it.

Because I have nothing else I feel like talking about right now, I am going to copy an email I sent to Price and Shannon (http://thekchorns.com/ and http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/). Feel free to add your own fears in the comments. Also? I will be out on Monday because I have an exam on Tuesday night, so I'll be studying at home. Hopefully. If I'm not, I will instead be reading a library book because I cannot control my non-textbook-reading impulses. Wish me luck.

Without further ado, the email:

My irrational fears for most of my life have been these:

1. Throwing my keys into my car by accident and then locking it. Corollary fears have been dropping my keys into the river (I used to have to cross a pedestrian bridge over a river to get to some of my classes in college, and I always felt as though I might lose the keys that way) and dropping my keys down a sewer drain.

2. Sucking my eyeball out with a vacuum cleaner. This one stems from the fact that my father told me this would be possible if you happened to put the hose up against your eye. I never would have even thought to do that, but my dad was all about being semi-paranoid with regard to potential injuries to his children or his wife. To this day, he actually *gets mad* at my mom for walking the dog. Why? Because someone might run over her. Yes, really. And yes, really, truly angry.

3. Being murdered in an empty public restroom. This one is a bit strange, and probably a result of watching/reading too many horror movies/books. There's just something a little creepy to me about a big, echoey, empty public restroom.

4. Putting my fingers through a baby's fontanelles, right into its brain. This points directly to the fact that I have handled very few babies in my time. I know they're more resilient than this, but it's still a fear to this day.

More recently, my irrational fears have mostly involved imagining someone violently breaking into our house. That's probably not terribly irrational, though, given the neighborhoods that we are immediately adjacent to. And you?

Over and out until March fourth! Ta.

Greetings.

Set of turkey tracks, nicely preserved in ice

Close-up of same - love these tracks, obviously can't get enough of them!

Pebbles and ice. That's pretty much it.

Snow piled up between the horticulture and entomology greenhouses. Not anything special, just something I wanted to remember.

Tower O' Plates. These are made up of a media I invented (yes, really) to encourage the growth of Penicillium species while inhibiting the growth of other critters. It's not a huge accomplishment by any means - the world of media development is vast - but still, it's a little bit cool. Anyway, these are destined for experiments I'm doing today, tomorrow, and early next week.

Organisms I isolated from Honeycrisp apples. I would guess that these guys are of the genus Botryosphaeria.

Just in case anyone is sensitive to and/or triggered by stuff related to cutting, please don't scroll down. It's not a big deal, it's just stuff that you might not want to see.

My left arm.

Hi. So. I wasn't planning to make this into a post about that last photo, but I did put it there for a reason. The medication I am on really does seem to be helping, and more quickly than I thought it would. Perhaps the placebo effect is in play, but I really don't think so. I am starting to feel even, real, capable of joy and of responsibility and of caring about myself and my situation. And so many other things! Like perhaps being a better friend, something I haven't been in too long. This is why I think the medication is working and it's not just an artifact of thinking it might work. I am so glad. You don't have to warn me about the precariousness of this moment, or of the medication's effects - I know these things. I have been so down for so very long - stretches of years, truly years. Really, though, I am feeling better. My head is clearer, and I know that the medication might lose efficacy in time. I also appreciate the moments that it is giving me, though. I feel stronger than I have in a long time. It's still a nascent feeling, but it's there. I'm not all better yet, but I'm improving. The picture I show above is one way I have dealt with my issues, such as they are. There are scars all over my body just like those. Brilliant, I know! So pretty! What I am really saying here is that the medication works. It works, and it's worth taking. Thank you, Shannon, for encouraging me for so long. I love you so much for the way you have supported my general insanity since elementary school. I don't deserve you. Still, though, I have you, and I am grateful. And so, that's it for now. I will keep you posted. Until later,

Ta.

Hello, and goodbye until Thursday

Snow bug of unknown variety. Landed at my feet while I was taking a walk. And yes, I know it isn't a snow bug, it's some sort of fly, for those of you who are entomologically inclined.

Nerve synapse in blue. That's what it looks like, anyway!

Up the lane in snow. All those tracks you see are from deer.

Pretty sky, part one. Notice the moon!

Pretty sky part two.

Chickadee on the edge of the dirty, dirty window feeder. This feeder is incredibly busy, but anytime I try to take photos, the birds freak out. So this is all you get, the end.

Shelby having dinner. I've been thinking about her age, and how I don't have enough pictures of her, so I've been more conscious of the photos I take these days. Here, I wanted to show her orange spot. She's a brown tabby, mostly, but she has orange mixed in, and of course I find that wonderful. I know you don't care about these details, but I do.

My sweetheart.

Me and my girl.

**********************

So. Once again, I don't have much to say. I've been busy today, and the weekend was more or less uneventful. Tomorrow and Wednesday, I will be at a work-related conference. Other news? Hmm. I didn't sleep much at all last night, thanks to my reading of a Stephen King story late at night. I slept in the guest bedroom because M. is sick again - much coughing and more snoring than usual - and I took advantage of the extra time to have the light on for reading. Stephen King, apparently, was a bad choice. I woke up every single hour, certain that I had heard untold horrors creeping up on me, and because I refused to put any limb out from under the thick, heavy covers (because, as you know, the covers protect a person from supernatural assault), I was a sweaty mess upon "waking up" in the morning. I use quotes because I was pretty much awake all night long. Yes, I understand that I am a big dork. The plus side? I have a vivid imagination, which is considered a good thing in some circles. Other than that, I don't have much to say. Well, I do, but I don't have the time to formulate what I'm thinking about at the moment. The two things foremost are these: one, I think the meds I am on are starting to work. I'm starting to feel an evenness that I remember from the last time I was on them years ago. It's brilliant, and I hope it continues. two, I am again considering my relationship with M. No need to go into detail until I actually have something to talk about. And so, on that note, ta, and I will visit everyone's blogs later in the week. Until then, best to you.

p.s. Weirdness in the last photo... over my shoulder, if you don't click on it, it looks like there's a window there. There isn't. And if you click on it? You see that it's actually the corner of my kitchen floor. Well, I see that, but you will just see a bit of floor. Huh? I have no idea why that happened, unless the disk in my camera is going bad. Can it do that? Go bad? The only other explanation is that I have a haunted ghost floor. Anyhow, again, ta.

Briefly....

She watches me from here when I'm cooking, all neatly curled and sitting up straight. The squintiness is a result of the flash.

Hi there. I'm signing in to just, I don't know, say hello. The only things on my mind right now are very personal and immediate, and I'm not sure I should write about either one. Why not? Mostly because one of the things has to do with a friend, and her business is her own... and the other thing has to do with my being an adolescent twit, and we really can't have that, can we? Suffice to say that Thing the First is a wonderful thing indeed. I am so glad for my friend that I could nearly squeeze her in half. I may still do that - we shall see. Thing the Second is just silly, so I won't get into it. Again with the suffice-ness to say, this Thing the Second adds sparkle to my day. Shannon ( http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/) will know what I'm talking about, and she will shake her head at me. And probably laugh. That's ok, she's allowed - she's the one who has to listen to me prattle on all day long. :)

So... that's pretty much it. I'm tired today, but I'm doing well enough. It's lovely outside, bright and clear, and I just got to watch a female cardinal cleaning my windowsill of seed spilled from the window feeder - such a pretty little lady with her scarlet-tipped crest and strong, brilliant orange bill. More on the morrow. Ta.

Photos galore! Also - hi.

These guys are growing in the hort greenhouse, acting like it's fall instead of February.

Not a spectacular photo, but I like the twininess of the vines. Again in the hort greenhouse - vines running amuck in there!

Just a piece of grass that caught my eye. The spiral kinda-sorta recalls the spiralling of the wires behind it.

Soybeans in the entomology greenhouse, originally grown as food for stinkbugs. Now they're just deceased, as are the bugs.

Queen Anne's Lace, all curled into a pretty little ball. Pretty to me, anyhow - I have a different definition of pretty than most.

Yet another shot of goldenrod. This plant was growing in the horticulture greenhouse. I have a weakness for goldenrod, as seen in previous photos.

A really dorky picture of me and my Shelby. It's no glamor shot of me, and I know it's blurry, but I love how you can see her butting her head up against mine. I'm not kidding when I say she's one of my closest friends. She's my baby.

Thank you all for listening to my dad-related issues, both rant and retraction. He's always been a central figure in my life. Back when I was a toddler, he was in pharmacy and then dental school. Instead of imitating my mother (doing the traditionally female role at that time - cooking, cleaning, etc.) by playing house, or with dolls, I used to heave my dad's giant science books up on my lap and pretend to take notes from them before I could even read or write (I just scribbled on pieces of paper). I remember seeing some kind of horrifying images well before I really understood them - I recall, for example, a photograph of a child who had bitten through an electrical cord. The picture was from an oral pathology book, and the child had died as a result of the incident. His or her whole face was shown. I'm sure my parents had no real idea of what I was looking at or comprehending - they were good parents. Anyway... I'm digressing. I always wanted to be like my dad, always. From my very first memories. I'm not sure why that is - I adore my mother; she is strong and funny and beautiful and sensitive and smart. I appreciate that more every day. However, I was always completely enamored of my father. He was my hero. He wasn't an easy hero at all. This bit that you've just seen, with my outrage and then my retraction? That's happened always and forever. He hurts me and I hate him, and the very next day, he's himself again and I love him fiercely. I am learning to accept this, despite my recent freakout. I am a lot like him - I'm sure there's no shortage of people in or out of my life who would say the very same thing about me. I'm a jackass one day, and then I'm wonderful the next. I know this about myself. I'm just now starting to make the connection, though, and understand what I have done to people in my life over the years. Hmmm.

Well, that's it for my introspection for the day, on paper at any rate. Sometimes I'm kind of surprised at what comes out of my mouth - today's entry is one of those surprises. I am sorry for the people I have hurt with my capriciousness and my ridiculous moods. I really am.

Time to get back to work. Until later, ta.

p.s. click on the photos - especially the soybean one - to see gorgeous detail. just saying!

Daddy issues?

This is my dad.

I feel bad about the outburst the other day with regard to my dad. I wouldn't let most humans say a single bad word about him, and I feel guilty whenever I do. I've been thinking about that outburst, and about how so, so much of my life has really revolved around my dad. He has no idea, I don't think. Sometimes maybe he does, but I don't know how much. He infuriates me, he hurts me, he has been my idol since before I could read, and I still call him to ask him medical/science-related questions. I never doubt that he loves me - I know he does, a lot - and I am always surprised at how much he can hurt me even though he loves me. How can he not know that his words leave wounds? Over time, I have come to understand a lot of things about my dad. I think, anyway. He hurts too. He's an undiagnosed depressed person, he has a heck of a lot of anger (much like me, it would seem), and he is sensitive, insecure, and easily hurt. He worries too much, thinks too much, doesn't sleep enough. I've kind of known a lot of these things for a few years now, but it's still hard to really get. I love him so much, and I feel lucky to be his daughter. I wish sometimes that he would be a little easier, though - on me, and on himself. If there are any dads reading, please be aware of how much you impact your daughter's lives - it's probably a great deal more than you think. Given my absurdly bad relationship history, I wonder how my relationship with my dad has affected that realm. It has to have. Anyway, I love my dad. I am sorry that I said mean things about him.

Ta for now.

Sunflowers, not slush.

Hello there. I am posting these pictures from last summer to spite the terrible weather we're having right now. It's hateful - sloppy and dangerous, many inches of snow, rain, sleet, freezing rain, ice - lots and lots of water in every imaginable state. I spent most of the morning up on the roof of my place of employment, pushing slush/rain/snow off because the building had sprung leaks inside (flat roof). It was pouring rain the whole time; I got soaked. Nice exercise, though. Afterward, for once, my habit of strewing my life around every space I live in worked out well - I had an extra set of clothing and an extra jacket to change into right here at work. Nifty.

Let's see... what else? Per seemingly usual, I have a whole lot corked up inside my frigging annoying head and I'm not really ready to put it into words. Bleh. I should wait until I'm ready, I suppose. I guess I could talk about my review here at my job. Mostly it went well, but there were two points of concern: foremost, the time I spend on the internet during work hours. This is a bad habit, I know, and I will be changing it. The other thing is my awful tendency to procrastinate on tasks that I don't like and/or am not good at - namely data collection and summation. To which I say - I will try to change my ways in this regard! My math brain is tiny and atrophied, like a dried up acorn rattling around in its hull. I get by, clearly - I do math nearly every day for my job - but putting together data in a usable way, and arranging figures that I've generated? So. very. hard. My boss says he'll help me in whatever way I need, I just have to ask. And ask in a timely fashion instead of waiting until both my and his head explode. I feel very fortunate, having the boss and the coworkers I do. The frosting on the cake? He says if he gets more funding (certainly not a guarantee), he will try to extend my stay here beyond October 31st this year. If he can't, I will certainly understand - I'm already here well past when I thought I would be. However, this place? I think it's my reward for moving to NY. It hasn't been easy for a lot of reasons, and often I wish I'd never left NH... but the work I get to do here, and the people I do it with? I couldn't be happier with either. The end, for now. Ta.

Better now!

I'm calm now. Thank you for listening to my little temper tantrum. I think the therapy I've been doing is shaking a little anger out of me... normally I wouldn't lose it like I did yesterday. Anyway, I'm fine now! I had a civilized conversation with my dad, and he sort of apologized - as much as he ever will, at any rate. So - there you have it. I'm fine! I'll sign back in later... now it's off to the orchard to do some mouse-poisoning. Not my favorite thing in the world to do by a long shot... but someone has to do it to save the trees from being girdled, and that someone happens to be me. Ta for now.

Wow.

My dad can still spin me.

I had my annual evaluation at work today, and I was (rightly) chastised for spending too much time online. I do, and I know that, and I was expecting to hear about it. Not looking forward to it, of course, because who wants to be slapped for misbehaving? No one, that's who. Still, though, I was spending too much time online. I talked to my parents about the whole evaluation thing - and you know what my dad said? He said I probably cried to get my way. Excuse me while I say....WTF? Seriously? Cry? To get my way? Because, what, that's the way I handle things? Ever? In my freaking life? I mean, seriously, ever? This is the man I have spent more than half of my life trying to please. A man I have spent years trying to live up to. And he thinks I "cry to get my way"? Fuck that. Fuck it. I haven't been the best employee, but, on the other hand, I am a good scientist, and I am a good employee. And I am keeping a house, going to school, getting good grades, and I am friends with my coworkers. My boss likes me, despite my stupid internettiness. My marriage has been hard, but with the help of my friends, I am dealing with it. And he thinks I cry to get my way? I can't even tell you how much that hurts. I am unreasonably angry about this. I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow, though, and - lesson learned, right? Pardon me while I punch the wall. Again. I have bloody knuckles from doing it the first time. Ta for now.

Sick to death of being a big fat fattie. But first, some unremarkable pictures!

I kinda like this shot, actually.

A vain attempt at an artsy shot. Doesn't work, but still - nice color in the face of all the winter blahs.

Very brief appearance of a blue sky - it became grey again about 15 minutes later. Sigh.

View of the back of my tiny, tiny house, freshly painted last summer. Prior to this, it was drab brown on top and beige on the bottom. I much prefer its new look!

*****************

So, yeah. I am officially sick enough of being out of shape and butterballish to actually do something about it. You know how you have to achieve a particular frame of mind before you can successfully undertake a difficult task? I'm finally there. I have been terribly unhappy with my body for going on two years now, ever since the issues with my knees put an abrupt halt to my running days. I think I've kind of been in mourning over that fact - I still have a hard time really understanding that I will never be a runner again. I identify so strongly with that image because I was a runner for so many years; it's been difficult to grasp that I can't be that person anymore. I think my denial has really stood in the way of my getting fit again - ridiculous but true. But I'm there now... and if all goes as planned, I should be back in shape in time for shorts weather in May or June. My diet isn't particularly bad in terms of content (vegetarian and full of whole grains, veggies, etc.), but in terms of portion control? There is none. It's embarrassing to admit such a thing, but there you have it. I've also been fighting a losing battle with depression for the same time period, and I definitely tend to use food as a comfort. It has to stop. I have to get fit. I've been doing a decent job of beginning to address my mental and emotional health, now it's time to start taking care of my physical health too. I'm tired of hating my body, tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, tired of feeling apologetic about how I look to M., my friends, and the world. I know exactly what I need to do, and once I start down the right path, I know I'll be happy to be on it. I'm buying myself a present today - http://www.amazon.com/Weight-Watchers-Versatile-Vegetarian/dp/0764564072. One month from now, if I abide by my diet and exercise plan, I will buy myself a new pair of earrings... and two months from now, I will visit a funky little clothing boutique in Woodstock and get myself a new dress. I'm writing these things here because I want to be accountable - and putting it down in print helps.

I guess that's it for now. Wish me luck!

Very short aside.

The very first song I ever taped from the radio (those of you who are old enough will remember doing this, and our nemesis was the DJ WHO KEPT TALKING at the beginning of the song or the end. Argh.)... was "Heavy Metal," sung by Don Felder. Remarkably enough, I still love that song, which is why I'm writing - funny to still love a song you taped (literally!) something like 25 years ago. Yep.

That's all I've got. Signing out from my local library, ta!

Cucumbers in February

Hello there. I was feeling grey and down, so I am resurrecting these sunny photos from my garden of last summer. These are some of my cukes. Like the grape vines, I love the tendrils these guys produce - nature is endlessly beautiful, isn't it? I apologize for the blurriness - I was just learning how to use the camera when I took these shots. Of course, I still take (and, horrors, post) blurry photos from time to time, but these were blurry in ignorance. If that means anything at all, and it really doesn't. There will be no veggie garden this summer because I am a terrible gardener, at least when I'm working and going to school. I want a big garden, or at least a medium-ish one, and I plant it and take care of it until I get overwhelmed, and then M. winds up doing most of the upkeep and the whole garden thing wasn't his idea in the first place. So, instead, we'll just have flowers (and maybe a pot or two of tomatoes) this summer.

Anyhow, the crabbiness of yesterday has subsided. I'm feeling fine now, just a little tired. Thank you very much to Deb (http://tiredmummy.blogspot.com/) for being supportive in the face of my endless whining. Actually, many of you put up with that... but she hasn't even met me and she still likes me , I think.

I have a prayer request for those of you who say them, and I'm asking for good wishes from those who do not. A good friend's father has recently been diagnosed with what will probably turn out to be lung cancer; its operability is yet to be seen. She is in the nursing program with me and is considering dropping out of it because her father is her world. I know how that is - my own dad is incredibly special to me. I would rather she not drop out, and I'm guessing her father would say the same thing... but I will support my friend either way. At any rate, good thoughts and prayers are welcome - her dad's name is Don P.

Let's see, what else? Well, I've been doing interesting work in the lab lately, and I'm in the midst of a relatively interesting experiment. It's been too long since I've done actual science - I am very rusty at it. I miss it. I miss it more than I thought I would. Apparently I am a scientist at heart, even when I think I might not be. Silly, silly Anne. In other work related news... I took care of a trach patient on a vent last night. I can't say how much I admire those of you in the health care profession; I think it's going to bruise my heart over and over again. I hope will be up to the task. My patient was very sick, and with the vent, she couldn't speak. She suffers from dementia too, so I don't know how much comprehension she has. What I do know is that she has beautiful clear blue eyes, and she looks right into yours. When we were changing the dressing on her enormous sacral (over the buttocks) decubitus ulcer (formerly known as bed sore), I was the one holding her up on her side - she also has advanced MS, which makes movement difficult for her. I took her hand, and she squeezed it and looked into my eyes. It's hard, seeing stuff like this, participating in it. I want to fix everything and everyone (which is so very absurd, given how badly I am able to take care of my own self!), so it's difficult to feel so helpless. What you do, I guess, is the best that you can with your nursing care, and you try to treat every single person you come into contact with as a special, unique, valuable individual. We did a lot of care with her last night, and we did it well. I think the best thing I did, though, was to brush her hair. That sounds stupid, but it's true.

Ok, that's enough out of me. I'm not being very eloquent today - I know this because I have an urge to delete the whole entry. I'll leave it, though. Don't want to keep the peevishness of my last entry at the top! Best to you all, and I'll sign in tomorrow. Ta.

Crabby. Thoroughly crabby. Acrimonious, even!

I am excited - inordinately so, most likely - about this purchase I just received today. Yay, staining!

Unknown rosette of leaves (chickweed species?). It's a mite blurry, but this scrap of green in the midst of all the drab, wet browns and greys and blacks is refreshing. Tiny (maybe 2 inches across), but welcome.

This shot didn't turn out like I wanted it to, but still, I like it alright. This is the result of another little traipse into the woods near my job - I had to get out of the building to ward off deepening surliness.

Another in the series of irresistable grapevine shots. This one reminds me of a lasso.

*******************

Hi there. Sorry about the long, long lack of posting. I've been busy and stressed and - as of today - in a pissy little mood. Part of it is hormonal, I'm sure, and part of it is unrelenting cramps. I started the day by having to change the sheets, lest M. come home and think someone had been stabbed to death in the bed. Which, you know, was a terrifically pleasant way to begin the day. The only up side was Shelby - my sweet sweet kitty girl - who loves helping me with this particular chore. She skids all over the sheets as I smooth them, collapsing onto her side, shooting back up in the air, dancing sideways, attacking wrinkles - eyes totally dilated - which never fails to make me laugh and warm my heart. At least if my uterus is going to be all spiteful and prostaglandin-y, my heart may as well feel good.

Moving on. I'm also simply tired and feeling down. And my first exam last night? Annoyed the crap out of me. It was vague, poorly written, chock full of typos (so many that it almost felt insulting - it took all my might not to go through and correct them all), and didn't really address in a satisfying manner the material we were responsible for. Meh. MEH, I say. Also, there's something going on in my life that I don't talk about here - maybe some day, but not yet - which has been wreaking havoc for over a year now. This something has reared its ugly head yet again and I am being forced to decide how I am going to handle a situation that is both delicate and disheartening. Not sure what I'm going to do, and none of my choices are particularly great. This is causing my head to ache and stress to swirl around evilly in my gut. So - yeah. Lots of small things are twisting me up.

I don't really have much else to say. I have a lot of work to get done here, and I already took my morning break with my squishy walk through the woods... so I suppose this shrill little post will have to suffice for the time being. Sorry about that. I'll write something of more substance tomorrow or Friday. Maybe. Meanwhile, take care of yourselves, and best to you all. Ta.