This is where I'd rather be - curled up in my reading spot with a good book.So, hi there. The above photo is in the guest bedroom where some of my "artwork" has accumulated - the wolf lamp (which I adore), the Sri Lankan evil-eye-warding-off mask (truly), and the Lincoln Zoo poster I've had since high school. I've never actually been there, but I've always loved the poster, so there it is. There are a few other things of mine on the other walls too. This is where I would like to spend most of my time when I'm home, so long as I have a decent book to read.
I'm in a blue mood at the moment, and it's pouring rain so there's no escaping to the orchard for some cleansing outdoor physical labor. I do actually have labor to do - involving more apple boxes, which just thrills me to no end - but it's more the annoying gruntwork type of work. And it's incredibly sticky out - a mere five minutes of work has me drenched and icky. Ah, well. The present blueness is the same old thing... the usual depression that has clung to me like a giant, sucking leech my whole life. Meh. I've been feeling really down lately about how I've squandered my potential in life - I was given so much, and I've used so little. It's disheartening, and I have no one to blame but myself. And again I say - meh. Which makes for such titillating reading.
In other news, I did finally get an appointment with a counselor for this Thursday. I had to cancel my annual gynecology appointment to fit it in, but that's really just fine with me. I'm not a big fan of the stirrups or the associated poking and prodding - shudder. I rescheduled that marvelous appointment for the fall. At any rate, maybe this therapist will be able to help me out - and maybe I'll actually be ready to help myself too. I did try counseling a few years ago, but I ended up being an idiot - I pretended I was doing better than I actually was and sort of talked myself out of the whole reason for doing talk therapy to begin with. I have this desperate, panting need to please people - it's really quite absurd. I remind myself of a golden retriever sometimes, falling all over myself to please the whole world, hoping to lick its face and maybe fetch its newspaper. Then there's the flip side, wherein I collapse into a black hole and disappear from people's lives (physically and/or metaphorically) with no word or reason as to why I've done so. I think that behavior probably has to do with exhaustion from the overwhelming need to please. What would be really nice is if I could just even out. I don't seem to have a middle gear - it's either full-throttle or full-stop with me. It's obnoxious. I have a long list of people I have let down and disappointed with this behavior. The guilt I feel as a result is profound.
Blather.
Anyway.... enough meandering. I'd best get to today's ongoing task of scrubbing and hosing down one of our walk-in coolers, after which I will be moving (grumblegrumble) stacks and stacks of apple boxes into it for storage until fall.
Until later, ta.
p.s. I'm not really a fan of Maxine, Hallmark's crabby female card character, but she's made me smile over the years a few times. I saw this quote on a Maxine notepad the other day that made me think, though. It's nothing that hasn't been said a million times by a million different authors (God included, in the good book), but I have to give credit where credit is due. The quote is thus: "In a hundred years, this won't matter. It barely matters now." I'm keeping that at the fore of my brain because it's not a bad thing to have there.
Over and out.
3 comments:
I just got caught up and I'm still pissed off on your behalf at all the crap you had to go through to find yourself a counselor. But I'm happy that you did. You seem to be so hard on yourself. I too get into a lot of self anger at all the chances I squandered to better my life-not finishing college is the biggest of them. (*warning* soapbox moment!)Try to look at all the good in your life and celebrate the person you are. Be honest with your counselor-if you feel shitty, say you feel shitty. She's not there to be pleased. I people please too, I think we all do. We all want to make people happy and for others to like us-that's normal honey. But you have to love yourself enough to tell yourself, "I am a likeable and smart, caring person with qualities my friends will like as is. I don't have to please anyone but me." I'm so happy for you that you've decided to take that step.
By the way I loved those pictures in your last post.
I know that poster!
A friend of minen wrote a somg called "You're Gonna Die" with lines like " then you won't need that parking space" and other things that seem to matter so much to us at the time but are really not worth the angst we put ourselves through over them. I think of that song when I find myself getting worked up over little things that seem big at the moment.
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