Beauty.

Just wanted to share. These are the things that make my world a good place to be. This is the sort of gorgeousness that gets me through the day, that lights my soul up. I hope it helps you out a little bit too.

...back to work with me.

ta.

Hi.

Not much to say. I'm feeling kinda down right now. In lieu of actual words, I present you with the world's most boring photographic series: "My Morning Commute"! Without further ado:

Down the big hill.

Through the never-ending construction.

Driving...driving...

Round the bend at an apple orchard

Down the other big hill

...and in the home stretch. I work past that red building.

The end.

********************

Just a few notes: my love and prayers go out to Shannon and her family right now - similar good thoughts from you guys out there would be nice: http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/

Sher - I made your mac-n-cheese (http://whatdidyoueat.typepad.com/what_did_you_eat/2007/01/macncheese_off.html) for the third time last night. It is absolutely fantastic.

Jeci - I missed you too! And I am a big, fat bum for not catching up with you yet. I have been feeling guilty about that for weeks now. I'm sorry. Belatedly, welcome home from your great adventure! (http://blueyonbelly.blog.com/)

That's all for now. Out into the orchard with me for most of the day. Ta.

Delicious...

Hot soup. Mmm....

Just wanted to check in to say I'm friends with school again. Kind of. I had a good night at the hospital - worked on an interesting case and got to do a lot of cool stuff for the first time. This goes a long way in making the rest of school bearable. The nurses were awesome to work with, as always - so patient, and generally willing to explain stuff.

Above is the minestrone I made over the weekend, cooking away on the stove top. Man did it ever turn out well! I have some of it here today for lunch. Which no one cares about, but hey - my blog, my tales of lunch.

Alrighty, then.... gotta go. More soonish.

Non-celebrity blogging, at last!

Cortlands, past harvest

(sigh of relief) There is no celebrity male gracing this entry, thank God. That was a bit of a bender I went on there. Enough! This photo was taken two days ago, out in the orchard, on a last minute harvest of Cameos. These are, as the caption says, Corts. At this point, though they may look pretty, they are mealy and or/half rotten. They do make a nice photo, though.

I'm stopped at work on my way home from class. Class sucked, as it has a tendency to do. Too much information, not enough time to practice it in. I generally have a bad attitude this semester, though. I'll make it through, but not happily. I'm tired, and I'm tired of learning. I should qualify that - I love to learn, but I suppose I don't love learning on someone else's schedule, and MAN am I sick of school. I want to take school by the throat and shake it. And maybe kick it a few times. I almost hate it. Almost. (who, me? having a good time in school a mere several weeks ago? you must be mistaken)

Anyhow, I'm tired. I must carry on. (shakes fists in the general direction of school)

Let's see... what else? Well, hmm. I made a lot of food yesterday. Zucchini cakes with tomato/feta topping, minestrone, linguini alfredo with broccoli, a tangy roasted eggplant dip/spread, and a quick salad of broccoli slaw with Ramen noodles, diced red pepper, scallions, shredded carrots, and a vinegrette dressing. That's supposed to last us through the week while I'm not home and therefore not cooking. I was pretty pleased with myself - everything is yummy. It really is.

And what else? I'm feeling irritated with my home situation. That's nothing new. What I really need to do is to overcome my apparent hatred of school, get the damned degree, and change things.

Indeed.

Enough. More on the morrow, when I will hopefully post something a bit more coherent.

Ta.

(I originally posted this on Monday night, then took it down because it seemed too negative, but I read it again and decided it's pretty much true. I am feeling less negative today, though. Except that I'm dreading clinical tonight because I am very, very tired of my instructor. That just now occurred to me. If I had a different teacher, I seriously don't think I'd be half as stressed. I do like her, but as with everything else, I'm just tired of her and her ways. Ahem. /digression)

I was also tired of having a celebrity-related posting at the top.

So, I repeat - more on the morrow.

Celebrity sighting, or my encounter with a television star in the frozen food aisle.

...so there I was in the frozen food aisle, smiling and nodding at a tall man with his son sitting in the grocery cart. He smiled and nodded back, and I went on my way, thinking, "Huh. He looks really familiar. How do I know him?" I couldn't think of how or where I might have met him. I turned the corner and went down the next frozen food aisle and saw him again - and again, I thought how do I know this man? Still couldn't figure it out. A woman then rounded the corner at a crouch with a big, silly grin on her face, staring at the guy's back. "It's him!" she hissed to her husband, "I want to get his autograph!" Her husband just looked embarrassed and told her to knock it off. That's when it finally dawned on me that, duh, I know him from television! We haven't had television for...let's see...four and a half years now (we have a t.v. set and we watch movies, but no cable so no t.v. shows), though I do watch it when I'm at my parents' house visiting. When I got to the check-out aisle, the cashier was talking to the woman in front of me, who was saying, "So that was really him, huh?" The cashier nodded and said he lives in Woodstock (which is about 20 minutes from where I live). So... who is this mystery man of whom I speak?

Vincent D'Onofrio

Pretty cool. He seemed like a decent guy. I just felt kinda bad for him because he was being stalked through the store by grinning women looking for autographs!

Just to let those of you who didn't know the fellow in my last post - that's Michael Palin of Monty Python fame. Presently - or at least recently - he does a lot of travel shows. I just love his twinkly eyes!

I'll check back in later. Ta for now!

------------------------

edited to add: I know that Mr. D'Onofrio is also a movie star. Just wanted to say that. And also? He is actually much cuter in person than that photo above would have you believe. Not that that's a bad picture, just that he's a real guy, and he's really very cute.

The end.

p.s. I promise to stop with the celebrity male photos soon. I apologize for the fangirlyness. I'm not generally like this.

More cuteness. I'm sorry. Must be some sort of hormonal thing.

Cute then....

...and cute still!

That's all I've got for you right now - more in a bit!

Stolen image. Thank you, Google.

This?

Is what I needed. Yep.

Ahem.

On my way home from lab, wherein we stumbled through another set of scenarios. Such fun. I shouldn't say it this way; I am learning. It's just that the learning process is so irritating sometimes, in that I already know some stuff, and the stuff I don't know is presented kind of stupidly. Meh.

And so I refer you to Mr. Laurie.

Cuteness is a cure for almost anything. Kittens are best at it, in my own personal estimation, but there are folks who are able to breach the kitten line.

Until Wednesday..... bye.

Repeat photo!

Persimmon, last year this time

I do have my camera back, but I need to buy it some new batteries - and so again with a repeat. This fruit is yummy only at certain times - generally after a hard frost. Prior to that, it will shink your mouth down to a tiny, tiny "O" with its horrific tannic-ness.

I went to the city (THE CITY... NYC. still makes me laugh that people refer to it that way, as if it's the only city on earth) yesterday to see "Mama Mia" on Broadway. It was fantastic! I went with two of my coworkers in what was originally to be a goodbye gift, which miraculously turned into a hello, again! gift. Yay! I am still walking on clouds about the extension of my funding. I shouldn't belabor the point, but I will one more time - I love it here. I can't even believe I got this job, and now I get to have it again for another year. It still amazes me. I'm sure I sound like a dork - I often do - but this is such a rare thing that I have. Plant pathology, entomology, horticulture - and people who care about and love those things - it's really quite amazing that I landed here. Those are the things I love, and somehow I got to be involved in it all.

Can you tell I'm feeling happier these days? Much of it has to do with this job extension, but I have been doing better overall lately. I did badly on my midterm last week (I think, but it's hard to tell), but still I'm doing fine. Generally I would be beating the crap out of myself for screwing it up - but I'm ok. I really am! If I f'd it up, I have time to make that up, and I know I will do that. It's so, so nice to feel happy, upbeat, joyful. It's intoxicating! It's a gift. I'm not really sure how I deserve to feel so good, but thank God that I do. It's hard to believe.

I know that I will sink into depths again. I always do. Everyone does. I'm getting better in dealing with it, but I still get self-destructive when I go into the dark, and I dread that. I'm not going to give power to those thoughts, though. I'm going to go outside and do some work with the trees on this absolutely pristine autumn day. Brilliant!

Ta for now.

Picture this smile five times larger...

...and you'll get a picture of what I look like right now. Yes, perhaps that's anatomically a bit scary, but still - it's how I feel. I can't stop smiling! Why?

Because I've been extended a year at this job!! I can't even tell you how happy I am about that. To be completely honest, although certainly making a decent wage is important, I was so very much dreading leaving the people I work with here. I love all of them, and I am well aware of what a rarity that is. They have been my main emotional support over the past three years - they have cared about me, put up with me, and been there for me over and over again. Every one of them is dear to me, and that's not hyperbole. I am completely surprised by this - it came out of left field. It also came out of much prayer, I think. I can hardly stand it, the happiness - it's seriously wonderful. I am actually teary about this. My ever-practical boss would scoff, but that's ok because I love him too.

YAY! A thousand times yay!!

Until tomorrow, ta.

:)

More old pictures...

Up in the orchard, a year ago

This should be among the last of the old photos... I should be getting my camera back soon (thanks, Mom!). It was repaired free of charge, as it had something wrong with it that was under warranty. Anyhow...

It's been a rough couple of days. I accidentally told my father something that happened to me a long time ago, something I swore I would never tell him. While I still regret saying what I said, for the pain it caused him and is probably still causing him, maybe it's a good thing that he knows. I think it probably is. It was a stupid way to tell him, though. We were talking, and then having a bit of a disagreement about a political/religious topic (see how stupid? I generally never, ever broach these topics with my dad)... and the past just popped right out of my mouth. I wished instantly that I could suck the words back into my throat, but life doesn't work that way. Pity. Anyhow, what I said hit him very hard. He was hurt, he made threats that he wouldn't talk to me again until I told him certain other things, and then handed the phone to my mom - and refused to talk to me again. Anyone who knows me knows that being deprived of my father is pretty much torture for me. It's such a tough relationship in so many ways. I love him to distraction and I always have. I love my mother and my brother equally as much, but the love I have for my father is crazy and unreasonable at times, which can lead to conflict - and has. Maybe we're too much alike. That was Saturday night, and I don't think I slept much at all. Sunday morning, he called. He was sorry for his reaction, and he told me he loves me and just wants to be there for me. I can't even tell you how my heart sang with those words. I would have been paralyzed if he hadn't called - because I wasn't going to call him. He has changed a lot in the past ten or twelve years, slowly but surely. He still reverts to form more often than I would like, but still... even five years ago, or maybe seven - he wouldn't have called me. Not until I called him first. He did that to me once, years ago - I held out for six months before I finally broke down and called him. And that was over something incredibly stupid! What I told him on Saturday night was very serious. He really has changed. And I love him for it.

I don't mean to exclude my mom in all of this talk - she is my beloved, in so many ways. I wish life had made it so I could spend every day with her - or at least every other. She is easy to love, as is my brother. I think my dad and I are hard to love, in some ways.

Gotta go now. I had an unexpected additional harvest dumped in my lap this morning, and I have a midterm tonight (for which I am ill prepared... ah, well.... sigh....), so lots of work to do.

Before I sign off, I want to thank both Shannon and my brother Brian for taking my teary, frantic phone calls after my conversation with dad Saturday night. Thank you both. Thank you for loving me despite my many, many flaws.

Ta for now.

Black knot

I'm not sure if I've talked about black knot before, but here on a bamboo pole is a bag of black knot lesions. I put it there in order to inoculate the trees (one bamboo pole w/black knots in a bag per tree) with the disease, in order to study the effects of various fungicides. If you are interested in knowing about black knot in detail, here's a good summary: http://plantclinic.cornell.edu/FactSheets/black_knot/blacknot.htm Really, I'm just desperate for photos to post, so here y'go. I don't really have much to say. I'm tired, which is more or less chronic at this point. School is going ok - demanding and busy and frustrating, but ok. I'm feeling a little neutral today. That's certainly better than soul-crushing darkness, to be sure, but it would be a lot more fun if I was happy and upbeat. Can't have everything, I suppose. I am increasingly happy to be here at this lab - I will say that. Funny how your imminent departure forces you to see how good you had it all along. I have honestly loved this place since I came here. I've moaned and complained a lot, but I work with such wonderful people, and I get to do such different, out-of-mainstream work - I'll never be at a place like this again, I'd wager. I complain mostly because I am in pain a lot with my stupid knee doing whatever the hell it's doing pathophysiologically - and so the physical labor I do is really hard. I like physical labor, so it sucks that it's so trying to do these days. Hopefully another surgery will correct this problem. I suppose that's it for now. On the home front, M. is annoyed with me for accidentally leaving a load of laundry in the washer. That was dumb, I know, but I claim extreme tiredness. It was only a blanket and two t-shirts, and I rewashed everything yesterday morning before leaving for work. That's the news. Nothing much happening aside from the usual drudgery. More later - I hope you all are well. Ta.

Again with the tired.

Apricot tree, this time last year

My camera is still away being fixed, hopefully. I miss being able to post pictures. This one is from last year - at the moment, the same tree is still quite green.

So - yep. I'm ridiculously tired. I was tired at the end of the week last week, then had to prep for a camping trip I didn't want to go on. Not to be a spoilsport, but I have so much studying to do it's ridiculous - I have 42 chapters to read before next Tuesday and I was able to read one and a half while camping. Also? I really, really need some down time. Some would consider camping in the Adirondacks with family down time. I do not. People drain me, wear me out (which, hey, yeah! I'm going to be a nurse and I'm a total introvert who lives for alone time! go, Anne!). I spent the entire weekend being social, and spent two nights in a camper that contained three raucous snorers. Also, my frame didn't totally fit on the bed I was dealt, so my feet hung over the end. My knees were not happy with the arrangement and I gimped around in the mornings even more than is usual. Basically, I'm even more tired than I was on Friday. I should have gone to bed earlier than I did last night, but I desperately needed some alone-time, so I didn't. The tiredness is therefore partially my fault. Whatever.

I have a family member who was on the camping trip who has breast cancer. I haven't talked about this because I haven't really dealt with it, in some ways; beyond a hysterical crying fit I had on the phone with my parents, I have been very cool about the whole thing. This weekend, it finally stuck me that she could be gone from our lives sooner than later. I couldn't stop picturing her funeral. I know - that's terribly dark and pessimistic - but it's true. I can't stand it, which is probably why I keep tamping down any feelings I might have on the issue. She's got one more chemo treatment two weeks from now, then a two week break, then six weeks of radiation. It sucks more than I can say - cancer is a true evil. She is a lovely woman, and she has come through this treatment with smiles and flying colors, as befits her sunny personality. She's lost all her hair at this point, but hasn't had too too many sick days. Her cancer is a bad one - aggressive and with a pretty grim prognosis. It is hormone receptor negative, BRCA positive, she had 11 positive lymph nodes, and her mother had breast cancer (she's still living, albeit with a double radical mastectomy). She has been told that she should have a double mastectomy, but she refuses. I don't really know what else to say. I am worried for her, terribly sad about what might be coming... and I'm apparently burying my feelings. How very not unusual for me.

Anyhow... meh. I'm tired and I don't feel like writing anymore.

So - that's all for now, folks. Hope you're all well.

Ta.

In case you were wondering,

yes, I'm still very tired. I have nothing really to report. School continues to spool on. Work continues to be physically demanding, and I've taken to actually swearing at trees when they dare to have fruit so high I need to lug a ladder along. Which happens all too frequently, so there's lots of unnecessary blue language. The trees don't really deserve it, but... but. I discovered tonight that people aren't as un-homophobic as I thought they should be. In my nursing class, no less! That's pretty depressing. I really just don't get why someone's sexual orientation matters to anyone, period. It doesn't figure. What else? Hmm. Beauty. Lots of leaves are changing, skies are lovely, and I have encountered myriad spiders today. As usual, my favorites are the jumping spiders, family Salticidae. They actually look at you - consider you. It's wonderful and hilarious to watch. Not much else is going on that fits writing about right now. On that note, ta. More soon, hopefully.

So very tired. Still and all....

...I'm doing fine, in case anyone wants to know. I got a 90 on my first exam at school, and I had a terrific night at the hospital - so much so that I actually caught a glimpse of the possibility that I may one day be a nurse, and perhaps even a decent one. That felt really good. I know very well that I will shake my fist at the skies (and the nursing program), worry about my abilities, and decide that I hate nursing at least five thousand times between now and graduation... so it's been really good to ride a wave of positivity this week. I must tuck this experience away for sustenance during the inevitable bad times. In other news... I love the northeast. I love the autumn flowers dearly - all the different asters and daisies and goldenrod (such a riot of Compositae!). Also, the fruits of various trees - velvety red sumac fruit, hard green golfballs of black walnut, acorns! I love acorns. Apples (of course), milkweed pods (love), and on and on and on. Autumn is lovely, and I fall more in love with northeastern flora and its autumnal riches every single year. I am very much not looking forward to winter, the dormancy of my beloved plants, and the lack of daylight... and the cold - ick. If winter would just deign to last two months, I could handle it. The way things stand, though, it goes on rather longer than that. Meanwhile, though, I shall enjoy the heck out of autumn. No weekend plans other than cleaning house and of course studying. And hopefully sleeping - lots and lots of sleeping. I'm feverishly, horrifically tired. Best weekends to you all. ta. p.s. my knee is still very swollen, and I have some impressive bruises from my fall. I'm doing fine, though. wanted to give the world an update.

I have nothing, really.

I'm running late for class, I am just plain old tired, and I fell and hurt my knee AGAIN with the damned apple boxes. So much fun to fall to your knees with 90 pounds in your arms. Ow. Off to nursing lab with me.

I am stressed. Therefore....

My boyfriend, Mr. Laurie.

Right. Until tomorrow, ta. If I survive until then, of course. If I don't, Shannon will keep you posted, and possibly provide you with Hugh Laurie photos. You just never know.

p.s. I have no idea why he is chewing his sleeve. I'm assuming it's something the photographer would deem sexy or interesting. It isn't really either, but he does look awfully nice anyway. Perhaps the photographer was onto something after all.

Over and out.

****************************

On a completely unrelated note, I must brag. Because most of my life feels as though it is being carried off to hell in a handbasket (with me running alongside desperately trying to grab that basket, tripping and falling over my own stupid feet), there is at least this: I am a very fast apple-picker. No, don't fall to your knees in praise....that's ok. I'm humble. Still, though - today I picked five trees to my coworker's one, and four to my boss's one. Go, me! And, um.. yes. I was dorky enough to time myself. And compete against my own time.

In times of stress, you do what you have to do.

Again, over and out.

Ok, better mood today.

Today is one of the two longest days of my week. I didn't go swimming this morning, though I'm regretting that now... but I was still up at 6. I have an exam tonight, then I have to complete 6 to 8 pages of preclinical work after I get home (around 11:00 pm). It's certainly not an impossible task - it's just a very long day. And again I have been harvesting apples all day, and will continue to do so for the afternoon until I leave for class at 5. It sounds romantic and picturesque, the apple picking, and I suppose it often is, but it's also hard work. The picking buckets, when full, end up weighing 35 to 40 pounds. You're up and down a ladder while you're picking, too, so you're carrying this weight up and down as you do so. The apple boxes themselves weigh 55 to 75 pounds when they're full, and I carry great numbers of these all day long, transporting them to the Gator or a truck, then from the Gator/truck to storage to stack them. This isn't to say I don't like my job, because mostly I do... it's just tiring in addition to being in school, and having bad knees really exacerbates the whole thing. I despise that my knees have failed me so. I was so accustomed to being an athlete - heck, even when I was in bad shape for me, I was in better shape than many. Anyhow, that's enough out of me. Just checking in. Today we harvested a bunch of non-commercial apples (test varieties), and now we're into Cortlands. There are 45 trees left to go. Ta for now, probably until tomorrow or Thursday. I wish you all well.

Working hard...

...at banishing my ill temper. One thing that's working? Talking to myself as I work. Talking in a ridiculous and very bad British accent. Yes, really. Indeed.

Exhausted.

Not a good way to start the week. I don't have much to say - just.... I'm so tired. Spent the whole weekend studying and I'm still not done with my reading. And when I wasn't studying, I was cleaning the house, grocery shopping, or cooking. No rest for the wicked, as they say. I'm not sleeping well between worry about tomorrow night's test, sadness over the passing of my dad's practice partner, and the fact that my knee hurts constantly - and I do mean every single moment of the day. I want to just disappear for awhile, go somewhere quiet and alone, away from everyone and everything... and sleep for three weeks. Instead, I'll go to class tonight until nine, tomorrow night until 10, then I'll stay up late tomorrow night trying to get ready for clinicals the next day, then I'll be at school until almost 11 that day. Meanwhile, I'll spend 8 hours each day climbing ladders and hauling fruit as my knee gets more and more painful and swollen. Yes, this is a pity party. Would you like a party hat? Until sometime later this week, ta.

Over and out...

...for the weekend. Take care and be safe, everyone. Life is a really short proposition. ------------------------- Also: if you believe in prayer, please say a few for my parents and the family of my dad's work partner. He passed away unexpectedly this morning - he was at the practice last night seeing a patient late, no clues that he would die this morning. He was fatherish with regard to me - I've known him since I was 8 or 9, and he always gave me big hugs and called me Annie. I still can't believe it happened. He was one of my dad's best friends, and my dad doesn't make friends easily. He will be missed. Ta.

Well, so much for that idea!

That idea of posting every day, that is. Gone kaput, it has. I simply haven't had the time to sit and write anything. I'm tired - long days, hard fieldwork, bum knee. Not exhausted yet, but I can see it coming on the horizon. At some point this semester, it'll move into my brain, kick back in a recliner chair, and set up housekeeping. I can hardly wait. I had my first post-surgical patient last night. She was a very nice lady. She'd just had some abdominal surgery. She wasn't feeling well; I felt bad making her move around so I could assess her. She was feeling pretty nauseous. It was interesting and exciting to be at the hospital, though, and the nurse I reported to was helpful and had interesting things to teach me when he had a few moments. He was busy, but he was nice. One of the more difficult things I'll have to do this semester is this: I recieve my next day's patient no earlier than 10 at night Tuesday; by Wednesday at 4:30 in the afternoon, I have to have six to 8 pages of paperwork filled out about the patient, the procedure, the diagnosis, etc etc etc. Which would be one thing if I didn't work on Wednesdays... but it's entirely a different animal when I do. And I have no internet access at home, which is more or less essential in completing a lot of the pre-clinical research. Ah, frustration, my old friend! You can hang out with exhaustion when it gets here. Other than that.... the kitty has disappeared. It makes me pretty sad. I keep going out looking for him, calling him. I hope someone else is taking care of him somewhere. There are too many lost and unwanted animals in this world. I hate that people don't spay and neuter, and it's a very big pet peeve of mine (no pun intended) when people decide they're going to breed their animal. In my opinion, you shouldn't be breeding any animal unless you are specifically looking to improve the breed. I think those people are few and far between. There are far too many who think they're going to make a buck, or they want their children to "experience the miracle of birth" (can't tell you how many times I've heard that one... makes me want to say, "How 'bout having them also experience the miracle of death? Here, let's all go down to the local shelter and watch some euthanasias!"), or they think it will be "good" for the pet for whatever reason (the men want their male pets to be able to have sex - which, yeah. I'm not overly shocked, but please - stop projecting. Or they think motherhood would be a good experience for their female pet - again with the projection. STOP IT!). Or they're just too lazy/poor/cheap to get the animal neutered, and the inevitable happens. And then you know who gets to find homes for these creatures (or the ones pushed aside by yet another litter of puppies and kittens), or, more frequently, gets to kill them? The people who love animals so much that they work with animals for a living. It's twisted. ARGH. Alrighty, then. I wasn't really planning for that to come out, but so be it! On that note, please get your pets spayed or neutered (I know I've said this before - it bears saying again). Please adopt from a rescue or a shelter. Please do NOT buy your pet from a pet store, unless that store is displaying pets from a shelter. Please consider getting an older animal instead of a puppy or kitten. Please do not get a pet if you cannot care for it properly - there are places to volunteer where you can get some time with animals if you look hard enough. Pets are a commitment that lasts the whole life of the pet - keep that in mind when you are getting one. In the interest of giving you an idea of a great rescue, check this one out: http://www.ygrr.org/ I was fortunate enough to work with this organization back when I lived in New England - they do a wonderful job for a really wonderful breed. Yes, of course I'm biased... but it gives you an idea of what's out there. There are many, many unsung heroes who care for the unwanted, neglected, and abused animals in this world; most of them are underpaid or work for free. Blessings on them. Time to get back to work. Ta for now.

p.s.

On the way home from class... just wanted to stop in and say that yes, I know so many people have more challenging lives than I do. I know this, and I know how fortunate I am. I need to be more clear about that. When I whine about my issues, problems, whatevers... of course I tend to be myopic about them. However, I am capable of gratitude and awareness of the world around me - I know how lucky I am. How blessed. I just wanted to say it out loud, so to speak. Another thing that I've been thinking about - and maybe I'll flesh this out more later - is my tendency to be a shmuck in terms of my "potential." I put it in quotes because I think that ship pretty much sailed. I still have potential, but it's far more limited at this point in my life than it once was. Anyway... as I was saying, shmuck. I'm always the technician. The nurse (one day). The assistant. And over and over again, I hear that I'm too smart for that role. I hear it from everyone from the ground up - all the way up to veterinarians, doctors, dentists, and PhD's. My usual answer is that I'm an exceptional technician/nurse/assistant, and generally I am. No one's perfect, but I do a good job on the whole, and I tend to have better insight into the why's and how's of whatever science is going on than the average tech/nurse/assistant, in my experience. The sad fact is something I'm still exploring - why haven't I gone higher than I have in life? I've certainly spent enough time in school, over and over again. I take classes where ever I go, and I do well. I'm a good scientist. I think the lack of achievement comes down to a few things: one, I'm not as smart as people seem to think I am (ouch); two, I just don't care enough about any one thing; and three, I pretty much want to be left alone. That last one sounds the oddest, I think. There was a small event in my young life that I've heard stories about ever since that sort of explains what I mean. I'm a believer in the fact that you are distinctly you from the very beginning of life, including all of your strengths and weaknesses - it's actually pretty fascinating to watch this play out in real life, such as it is. Anyhow, when I was around 3 or 4, I was in a hallway that had been painted very recently. My grandfather, my dad's dad, told me not to touch the paint. I did, as kids will do. He reprimanded me sternly. I said, "I don't want to talk about it right now," and I turned away. That's pretty much how I feel - I know when I've done wrong (or right), and I don't want to talk about it. I can almost feel the way I did when I said that - I really just want to be left alone. I use this story as a small tale of a personality. The story isn't particularly striking unless you know my grandpa and me, but to me it has always encapsulated my need to be left alone. And, coming back to my original point - the people who are not left alone are the doctors, whatever breed they may be. The technicians/nurses fade into the background. I still feel that way, the way I did when I touched the paint. (warning: non-segue) I guess that kind of expounds on the idea that I have a hard time loving people who are very close to me. Or, rather, loving them the way they deserve to be loved. Maybe that's also why my close friends are all so far away. I don't know. I push people away a lot, I suppose. I really do love people, and I want friends. On the other hand, I really do want to be left alone, too. Not pathologically, but probably more than most. I want to choose the distance between you and me. It's almost ridiculous for me to be saying this because I am so close to most of my coworkers - and to some of my classmates too. It's hard to explain. Or maybe not, if I think about it a little harder. Meh - contradictions all around! Now I have to go. My apologies for this jumbled entry.

I need to WAKE UP.

I am so tired, and it's only Monday. And I haven't even gone to class yet. I think I need some sort of attitude adjustment. I have four entire semesters left after this one, and this one has only just begun... and already I dread school nights. As I said, attitude adjustment is much needed. I resent going to school, that's the problem. I've been going now for two years - I think I'm just weary of it. The best thing lately is that M. has totally gotten on board with how challenging it has been to work full time and go to school almost-full time AND keep a relationship and a house together. I'm not sure exactly why he had this lightbulb moment, but he has told me at least half a dozen times how much he understands now that it hasn't been easy, and how much he appreciates what I've been doing lo these past few years. This is truly stunning. This is the man who screamed at me a mere six months ago because the coffee wasn't ready in the morning - after I'd gotten home the night before at 11:30 following a full day at work plus 6 hours at the nursing home. I left home that morning in tears, and hating him. Now he's actually making the coffee on nights when I'm home late, and he's been doing laundry and vacuuming too. I can hardly believe the change. I'll believe it's here to stay when it actually does. I am grateful, no doubt about it. My gratitude hasn't quite caught up with my enervation, though. I'll get there. One note about relationships, from my "points to blog about" below: as far as romantic affairs go, I am finished. M. and I are doing better, but it will be awhile before we feel solid. If we never do, and what we have ends - that's it for me. I don't mean to sound jaded, and I realize the wisdom in "never say never," but really - never again. What I want isn't something I have ever really found in another person. That's not to say that it was my partner's fault, or that I'm even close to being a perfect mate (loud guffaw).... it's more that I've tried, and I've mostly failed. And I'm tired of that. I'm also tired of answering to someone else, I'm tired of compromising who I am, I'm tired of disappointing my partner, I'm tired of being disappointed. I would be more than happy with a handful of close friends and a few cats, a dog or two, and maybe a pony. Something along those lines. I am happy for those of you who have found someone you are good with - it's a big deal. It's a wonderful thing. I think maybe I've just been flawed from the get-go, in terms of finding a partner in life. I've found good men, to be sure; some of them I dated, two of them I married. I don't know if any of them were really good for me, though, and the reverse is also true. Maybe my idea of a perfect mate died with the departure of my "first love" to college - though it's rather laughable to call a high school crush love. Maybe I've just never been able to love someone the right way. Or let myself be loved. I don't know the answer to any of this, but I have been thinking about it a lot over the past few years. I give myself much more openly to my mom and dad, though I certainly butt heads with my father, and to my friends, and to any animal or plant that comes along. More openly than I probably ever have to a romantic partner. I'm sure there's something to that. The bloom is off the rose, though, and if M. and I part? I'm going it alone thereafter. I haven't persevered with him for this long, though, to let go without really working at it - that's something I learned from Marc. There are days when I wish I would have worked harder for us. Then there are other days when I think it's best for both of us that we went our separate ways, as sad as it was. I'm thinking out loud here - I know my history isn't all that exciting, and I'm speaking to points that I haven't really discussed here... alas, this is my blog, so I suppose I shall toddle on, thinking out loud. I have been feeling a little bit alone lately. As usual, I am far, far away from Shannon ( http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/) and Tavia and Janice and Kelly (no blogs, just far away). I'm also far away from those kindred spirits I've met here in the ether. For once, it would be so cool if I stumbled upon someone in the blogosphere who was kindred - and also lived within less than a five hour drive. Wah, poor Anne, woe is me. It's the tiredness talking, I suppose. The day has been pretty good, despite my moaning about it earlier to Shannon (and Price)... I really do count most days spent outside as good ones. Well... gotta do some lab work. Maybe this extra entry makes up for the lack of a Friday one. Ta for now.

Oops...

...I missed posting on Friday. I had no time, no time at all. I really don't have much time today either, though I have a smidgen more because it's pouring rain - which puts a damper (hardy har har) on apple harvesting. I have plenty of other stuff to do, especially because my boss is starting to panic about my imminent departure - too much to do in too little time. No real news to report. It seems I compose these wonderful posts (well, interesting posts - wonderful is perhaps a touch overstated) in my head when I'm nowhere near a computer... and then, faced with a blank blogspace, I can think of nothing more than prosaic day to day minutiae. Whee! I haven't seen the kitty since last Wednesday night, which is both upsetting and not. Upsetting because - naturally - I was getting attached to him. Not, because that means I don't have to find somewhere for him to go. On the whole, I wish he'd show up again. Things I've been thinking about posting about, just to get it started: - how much I still miss my ex; how sorry I still am about how things went. - the impact of depression over the course of my life (yeah, that one sounds like fun, eh?) - what I really believe about life, ethically, morally, and spiritually. - my thoughts on having children - or, more to the point, not having them. - what I would do with my life if I had no limitations. - what I think/how I feel about relationships - in general, and mine specifically, including those with M., my dad, my mom, my brother... etc. Part of the reason I haven't gotten to these things is because when I have a moment to write, that's all I have - a moment. A moment isn't long enough to get into the things that are banging around in my head, taking them apart and putting them back together in a way that makes sense. Very often, I think better when I'm writing. Well, that's all I have time for at the moment. Ta for now. Hope your weekends were good ones.

Snippet!

I'm late leaving for home, so... not much time to say anything! Does this count as an entry? Kinda sorta. In the same vein as this one: http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/?p=310 More on the morrow, 'k? Because I know thousands are sitting on the edges of their seats breathlessly awaiting my every word. Except... not so much. Ta for now.

Post-clinical

Hi there. I'm stopped off at work again on the way home from school. I'm beat, and I didn't even have a full clinical shift tonight! Just think how I'll be feeling next week. Yeee (shudders). Tonight we basically just got a tour of the place and a lecture about expectations and so forth. We were there for four and a half hours; normally, I'll be there for six. It was a little intimidating, seeing where I'll be working this semester and probably henceforth, for a time anyway - the hospital. It was also very exciting. I have a hard time imagining myself feeling competent there, belonging there, at this point in the game. One step at a time, I know. I was a terrific vet tech, but I also did that for years and years; it was only after I had some time under my belt that I felt good about even that job. Anyhow, yeah. First night at the hospital. I passed my math exam last night, so that's good. Meanwhile, back in kitty land... I hadn't seen the cat all day today. When I got here, I went outside and called... and 10 minutes later, I'm sitting here at my desk and I hear him meowing at the door. Awww. I sat with him as he ate, and he was a total lovebug after his belly was full - twirling around my knees and feet, rubbing all over me, purring. He's a doll. Still very skittish (no false moves, lady!), but he's coming along. None too soon - I won't be here at this job for much longer, and winter approaches. In some ways, I wish I had never seen this cat... but in other ways, there really isn't any way I wouldn't have. He keeps peering into the lab as if he belongs in here... I wish! My boss has more or less looked the other way with my feeding this fellow - I wouldn't push his good nature by letting the cat inside. Quite a conundrum I've gotten myself into. Sigh. We'll see what happens. Well, I'm going home now. I'm glad kitty-boy's belly is full now. Have I described him yet? I can't remember. He's a grey and white kitty - grey tabby mostly, but with a white belly and chest and chin. He's very cute. Yellow-green eyes, smallish for a male. Still too thin, and still with the bilateral eye infection. He sneezed tonight as well. I wouldn't be shocked if he had some bad viral infection(s)... but I hope not. It's almost certain that he has an upper respiratory infection of one kind or another. I still don't have a name for him, since he turned out to be a he. I'll have to poll my coworkers tomorrow, see what they think. They were kind of hooked on Maxine Bean. Apparently this is going to be all cat and nursing school all the time. Hang in there... eventually there will be more. So far, I've made good on my promise of writing every week day! Go, me! Ta for now.

Bare bones

No time (what else is new?) * math test tonight so I can pass meds at the hospital tomorrow. Ugh. * kitty-boy Bean let me pet him quite a bit today, though he still flinches if I go too fast, and there's really no walking up to him. He is slowly getting more trusting, though, and he's gained some weight; his coat also looks nicer. His lunch today? "White Meat Chicken and Whipped Egg Souffle with Garden Greens." Yes, I'm serious. Hello, marketing to humans! I didn't fall for this trick; I had a handful of free Fancy Feast cans that were included in my cat's Cat Chow. She doesn't eat anything but the Chow, and I figured Bean-kitty could use it. He thought it was exquisite. * good weekend, which included a working day (Saturday, at the vet) - most interesting case was a dog with a snootful of porcupine quills. Less interesting and more horrifying was something the doctor I was working with said. I don't have time to get into it now; hopefully later. Also did a nice kayak trip from Tivoli Bay over to Saugerties, up the Esopus Creek and back again. * not in a terrific mood today; pounding headache, little sleep thanks to my aching knee, too much to do in too little time - and a five hour lecture to boot. I found out this morning that I can't swim breast stroke laps anymore because it just hurts my knee too damned much. So... now it'll be all freestyle all the time, aside from my kickboard laps. Suck. Well, that's it. Boring, per usual. Until the morrow, ta.

Announcement!

My cat friend, formerly and very briefly known as Maxine Bean, has turned out to be a neutered male. I discovered this just now. I went out to our lathe house to water some young trees and I spotted friend Cat. I backed out, talking all the while, and ran to get some smelly canned food. Returning to the lathe house, I lured the kitty in. Said cat actually brushed by me (after I had laid down on the ground), and the tail was high, so - yeah. No fuzzy balls. Clearly not a female. This guy was someone's pet. I have sent out the requisite notices to area vet clinics and SPCA. He let me pet him. I put this in a separate paragraph because it's a big deal. Someone has failed this little guy, by horrible mistake (maybe he is lost and people are seeking him - I can't even imagine my upset if Shelby went missing), or by unfelt mistake, or maybe they just didn't want him anymore. At any rate, he is very skittish, very untrusting. It was a privilege that he trusted me to pet him, however briefly. I wish I had more time than I do. It's wonderful that he let me touch him. ----------------- Ok, enough. Probably I would write about animals and plants all day long, given the opportunity. Weekend time now. Talk to you next week.

Friday

I don't have a lot to say (such is the nature of posting every day, and also my predilection for not being able to write anything meaningful)... but here goes, anyway. I'm about to go back out to the orchard to continue putting weights on saplings; it causes them to grow their branches more laterally, doing this. Before that, though, I am going to try to isolate some sort of wild bacterium that is decimating a set of cherry trees in a local orchard. Thankfully whatever this is is only affecting one variety, but the sad part is that these were big, healthy trees. I haven't before isolated from deep within the bark of a cherry tree, so I need to make sure I'm isolating from the correct tissue. It'll take some time, but this is actually my favorite part about this job (aside from the part where I get to be outside for large parts of the day) - I love trying to isolate an organism from a lesion on a plant. It's really interesting and I enjoy it a lot. Miss Maxine Bean has been a no-show today, but her food was gone this morning and there was cat hair on the bowl. Off to work with me. ta.

Thursday!

This'll be quick, as I have to get going... I am SLEEPY today. So tired. I really need to adjust to this new school schedule. Miss Kitty - tentatively named Maxine Bean for the moment - put in two appearances today. I couldn't get near her the first time I saw her, but she was hanging around the parking lot and meowing loudly at me. Later, she stopped in for a bite to eat outside my office door (dry food), so I approached her with a dish of canned and she let me set it down. She'd been about to run away, but I think she both smelled the food and also recognized the stretched out arm holding a bowl and stayed put, though warily. After I set the dish down, I stayed near; she stretched her body out as long as it could go to sniff the food, and then looked at me and meowed. She wanted it but I was just too close. I backed off a few feet and she came in for a nibble, but didn't want to settle in until I completely retreated. It's a start. Worked outside all day today. Am now a hot, sweaty, dirty mess. I am very much not looking forward to having to cook dinner tonight. Ah, well. Until the morrow, best to everyone!

Whoa...

...two entries in a single day? GET OUT. Indeed, my second entry of the day! I'm sure it will be equally as thrilling as any. I'm stopped at my office on the way home from class. I wanted to check on the status of the kitty I've started feeding. I took the chance of leaving some canned food out, something I really shouldn't be doing. It's too stinky and quite likely to attract other critters. Of course, I have been leaving dry food out, and given the noses on said critters, that's probably just as stinky. At any rate, the food is gone, so she's probably been here. I really hope I'm able to get my hands on her sooner than later. Class was incredibly monotonous tonight. It was the first day of clinicals, ostensibly; we met on campus and went through all the protocols necessary to start working at the hospital next week. We had to take a test that the hospital assigned, a bunch of stuff referencing a 67 page handout we were given. It was a bit of a crock - there were typos galore, missing sections, missing test questions, and missing answer spaces. It was obnoxious. On one level, I understand the need for it (it addressed everything from HIPAA to radiation safety to CPR to MRI safety, to my favorite - Erik Erikson's developmental stages)... but really? If you want to use such a test in a serious and just manner? You should probably make sure it's actually put together as it should be. Just a wild notion on my part, perhaps. Moving on. Speaking of Erik E., I am beginning to think that I am really going to have to pay attention to his bloody stages of development. I have now learned about them in two psych classes, and nursing seems to really stress them as well. It's annoying. Maybe I am the problem here (lightbulb moment?). Clearly his work is important to other people. Mayhap I should take notice. His stages of development do have merit, and I understand that merit. I think what annoys me is that so much of what he says is pretty much common sense, so it irritates me to have to memorize specifics, over and over and over again, to be able to answer test questions correctly. His theories are beginning to remind me of the Kreb's cycle. I can't even tell you how many times I've learned that damned thing and I still don't remember it. I understand what it means, its importance, and I can certainly look it up with assurance and am quite capable of explaining it, but I couldn't write it down even if my life was threatened. Well, maybe bits of it. The point is, I seem to be resistant to keeping certain kinds of information in my head. So, yeah. If the nursing school thinks I need to have a close acquaintance with E. Erikson, I suppose I should make sure that happens. Hmm. What else to say? Nothing on the possible new employment front. The veterinary practice where I've been working has no hours for me in September beyond this coming Saturday, according to a message the practice owner left on my machine last night. Which is really a bummer. He says that could change, and I'm sure he'd like to keep me around, but his obligation is to his current employees, which I understand. He said we'll talk on Saturday. It's been such a relief to work there, if I have to work at a veterinary hospital, because they actually let me do the things I know how to do. Speaking of which.... (warning: snark ahead) one of my classmates is a licensed vet tech in this state. I've talked to her before, kind of trying to be friendy (ed. - and I do mean friendy, not friendly... just a style note!) with her... she's been ok, but she's always struck me as rather stiff and... hmmm. Angry? Irritable? I'm not sure. At any rate, I haven't gotten to know her very well because she's never been in my lab or clinical groups, just lecture. Last night, I tried again, telling her that I've been working at a veterinary practice once more. I thought this would spark conversation. Really, all it sparked was her making remarks about how hopefully I was being supervised in what I do because I'm not licensed in this state. Yeah. Ok. Up yours, uptight classmate. That's just annoying. No more veterinary talk with her. Well, that's about it. The more I write, hopefully the better I'll be, and the more readable. If you want, bear with me. If not, that's ok too. Until the morrow, ta.

Experiment

While driving home from class last night, my mind was full of thoughts to blog about. Of course, now I can't remember a lick of what I was thinking, but one thought did remain - how about I try to write a little bit every day (well, every week day) for two weeks? I am very very busy, so I don't know if now's the time to start such a project... but if not now, when? Even if it's just a blurb. Which, given my past behavior here, it probably will be. So... starting today (looks at calendar) through the 12th of September, I will attempt to post something every week day. Today I'm doing lab work (subcultures from diseased leaves and twigs) in an attempt to figure out what's causing die-back in an orchard in Maine. I'm also taking new cultures from diseased leaves out of a Cornell-based orchard. After that, it's off to our orchard to continue putting weights on apple saplings... after that, cleaning more apple boxes in preparation for harvest. That's always great fun, given that I do this task in a greenhouse that generally hovers around 100 degrees in this sort of weather. And after that? My first day of clinicals. Thankfully, I won't be at the hospital until next week. I say "thankfully" because I'm nervous and not quite ready for it just yet. We'll meet at the school with our instructor & go over what is to come this semester. Last night's five hour lecture was painful, but made less so by a very funny and likable instructor who was generous with the breaks throughout. One down, 14 to go! Monday night, we learned how to clean simple post-surgical incisions. It has begun. Ok, so this new writing venture isn't terribly exciting - that's ok. The idea is to get into the swing of writing...eventually something interesting might escape my fingers! I'll also (she promised for the quatrillionth time) try catching up on blog reading at some point too. Until later, ta. --------------------- p.s. Apparently, I am Cat Rescue Lady. We have another stray hanging around the lab; I started feeding her (I think it's a her, but I haven't been able to verify that yet) this week. She's very skittish, but she'll let me get within about five feet of her (meowing pitifully the entire time, looking right into my eyes) before she sprints off. I'm hoping to win her trust eventually so that I can get her some veterinary care and maybe find her a home. Not sure yet how I'm going to manage that latter; I'll just have to play it by ear. Sometimes I wish I could just turn a blind eye to these creatures - would make my life a whole lot easier - but I just can't. And I wouldn't be me if I did that, either, you know? Alrighty then, now back to work.

Small update

Hi there! I'm pressed for time, as usual. I had a visit with the knee doctor this morning - looks like I'll be having surgery on the other knee as soon as school permits. That means the winter break will be filled with crutches and swelling and COBRA payments! What fun! Has to be done, I suppose. I have no idea what my employment situation will be at that point, but knowing in advance that I might be out of commission for a few days would be a good thing, I would think, to be able to tell an employer. I generally don't get sick (knock wood - I also used to have indestructible joints), so I generally don't take sick time.... meh. Anyway, I got a cortisone injection in le knee this morning; if the effusion hasn't calmed down by the time I see him again, he'll drain it, which is always a grand time. Not a big deal, really. Not fun, but not a big deal. Onward. I continue to swim, but doctor-man says I must be more vigilant in my weight-lifting. I've been pretty good about upper body, but I've been hesitant about lower body stuff because neither of my knees are good. Henceforth, I will have to squeeze in more weight-lifting, with deference to the leg muscles. The doctor says my right knee is recovering as it should; basically, I'm being impatient with its (lack of) progress. Given that I'm at school until late Monday through Wednesday, said weight-lifting will have to happen Thursday through Sunday. FASCINATING! I sent out a bunch of resumes yesterday. We'll see what happens. Looking for a job is oh so much fun! Well, I have to get back outside. Today's agenda: harvesting cider apples and putting weights on saplings to make their limbs grow more laterally. It was lovely to hear from you guys in the last comments... I miss you. Ta for now.

Waxing cranky...

...for no good reason. It's been one of those days of teeny, tiny annoyances - the keypad at the door to the gym locker room refuses to open for me 12 times in a row. I forget my goggles in the locker room and have to go back to get them. I drop my dry clothes into a puddle of water in the shower area. The construction-related delay on the way to work lasts 3 minutes longer than usual. I twist an ankle in the cold room while retrieving a box of apples. I bite my tongue while eating lunch. POOR POOR ANNE. Oh, the agony, the horror! I know. I'm living it. At any rate, I've been fighting off an appearance of The Cranky all day. I am still trying not to succumb to it. I'm not sure what the heck is wrong with me - clearly my day lacks in epic tragedy. I'm not particularly depressed (which - woo hoo!), I actually slept well last night for the first time in weeks, and I'm definitely getting back in shape, albeit slowly. I think it's the sense of impending doom that is beginning to get to me - doom in the form of school starting again next week, and also in the form of my job ending in two months. I can't even begin to tell you how little I am looking forward to the start of a new semester. Yes, I'm still happy with my choice to pursue nursing, and yes I do enjoy the material I'm learning... but I am very much dreading that adversarial relationship the faculty seems to have with the student body. And the poorly written tests. And the long, long days. Shudder. As for the job bit, I'm happy at the veterinary clinic I've landed in, but I do not foresee the practice owner having enough hours for me to live on. M. has suggested retail, convenience store work, and a number of other hideously unappealing options, to which I say, please don't let it come to that. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when I leave here; there is a severe paucity of any science-related work in this region. And so - I begin to feel cranky. And apprehensive. Sigh. Otherwise, though, I'm really fine. Moving on. I have entered my second week of Swimming for Success, given that the knee botheration continues unabated. I haven't been seen in a bathing suit in approximately a gajillion years, so you can see I'm very much motivated to get back in shape. I've been swimming 45 minutes every morning. It tires me out like hiking and running never did, which is kind of strange. I spend the mornings at work feeling relaxed and immensely sleepy; had I gone for a run or a hike, I would have been relaxed and wide-spankin' awake. I'm not sure why this is. In other news, Mac (the hit-by-car kitty I rescued some weeks ago) went home yesterday - YAY!!!! Most everyone at the clinic was sad to see him go; he turned out to be a totally awesome, affectionate, motorboatly purring sweetheart of a cat. In a nifty turn of events, I was actually there to see him off - I'd taken half a day's vacation from the lab yesterday in order to fill in a shift at the clinic. His new owners seem very nice. I'm so pleased that there was a happy ending in Mac's case. Well, sorry for the boring. I had to take a break from rating boxes (and boxes and boxes and boxes) of apples for summer disease. I was about to scream from the monotony, but then I realized I should be thankful for these few remaining moments of gainful employment and felt guilty, so I stifled the scream and came here to torment the internet instead. On that note, ta for now. Some day soon I will catch up on blog-reading and emailing. I really will.

Hiya.

I was hoping to get a post up today (I suppose this will count as such)... I just haven't had time to devote to writing here since returning to work. I was in a pretty good mood, with some interesting ideas to talk about, until I opened my email this morning to find this message: "Catskill Animal Sanctuary has lost a beloved friend. Dino, our first resident, passed away peacefully in his stall at 11:30 am on Wednesday, August 15, his head in the lap of April H., one of many human friends and caretakers. The tiny pony was in his forties. We will miss him terribly." It has been a year since I volunteered there; prior to that, I'd been volunteering for two. When the knee catastrophe happened, I just couldn't do the work anymore... and, like the idiot I can rather too often be, I let my guilt at not being able to do the work keep me away from visiting, or helping in other ways like doing dishes. I was too bitter at the loss of function to see past it at the time, and now of course I regret it so much. CAS is a place like no other, and I miss it. It fed my heart - the animals and the people. And now I have missed the passing of a dear, sweet friend; it makes me feel sick. You can see a photo of Dino here: http://www.casanctuary.org//cas-permanentresidents.htm What an amazing spirit, and what an incredible organization he landed with. I can't say enough good about either. I need to go back, even if it does mean I'll have my tail between my legs for awhile. My heart goes out to CAS and all of Dino's caretakers. So... yeah. I'm feeling pretty sad. --------------------------------- I won't be posting pictures for awhile - my camera broke while I was in Ohio. Hopefully it will be repaired soon; I really enjoy taking pictures and posting them here. I will sign off with this excerpt from one of my Sri Lanka journals - it made me smile a little: "This rain appears to be determined to stay around for a good, long time...it hasn't abated for over half an hour now. Wow - it's a tad chilly! Isn't this a switch!! I want to go run around outside in it just to be cold. Kelly and I did that last year about this time at Fernandos' (ed. note: that was a host family we lived with until the man lost his marbles, which is quite the tale in itself).... we stood under the water spouts from the roof, stood in the pouring rain with arms and heads flung back - it was a good thing! I'm alone now, though, and am not up to facing the family with sudden, inspired insanity. Lame of me, perhaps, but I'm too tired of this culture to even get into what aberrant behavior would do for me. Seeing as even minute changes in "normal" behavior create a furor, one can hazard one's own guess at what chaos I might wreak by suddenly running amok in the driving rain." Heh. Ah, I remember it well. Ta for now. God bless Dino and the Catskill Animal Sanctuary.

Brief check-in

I honestly don't have time to update right now, but I did want to check in to thank you guys for letting me know you're still out there, despite my less than stellar performance as a writer. It might sound dorky, but I have missed you more than you can know. The support I get from those I've connected with here, and on your sites? It's really astounding, and I am so thankful for it. Understandably, things are going full-tilt here at work after my long absence; hopefully I'll have time to write an actual post tomorrow. And catch up on reading what's happening with you all. It seems my profile picture has gone missing - mayhap because I borrowed it from Google? I have no idea. Anyhow, I'll work on getting an actual picture of myself up there instead. Not really a priority, but still. Must get back to work! More on the morrow, one way or another.... ta.

Back to work.

Hello. I have no time to talk about why I've been gone for so long. It's been three weeks, which is a bit much to sum up when there's not much time. Above you will find a lovely sunset, from here at the lab, and a couple of critters - Abby and Casey.

No idea if anyone reads.

Ta.

Family

My brother and my dad

my dad and my mom

me, with a healing zit front and center there. lovely.

More photos of the family. I don't have much to say, so I will sign in again later. Ta.

Home again

Hello from Ohio!

I've been trying to download a bunch of images from my mom's photos, but I've only been able to get these two up. My parents' computer is a bit of a bastard at the moment, so perhaps that's why. My mom is an incredible artist - her photographs are lovely, and they have been since I was a child. I was hoping to be able to upload some of them. Perhaps later! Meanwhile, here I am. Parents are at work, I am here in their house with their dog and cat (bonus for me). I am supposed to be going next door to visit the neighbors, who I heartily love, but I am being a recluse at the moment. No big surprise. Anyhow, hopefully I will be able to share some of my mom's photos. Meanwhile, those above are me and my dad, and me and my aunt (his sister). I think I have quite a lot in common with these two - we share the squinty eye thing, the fair skin, and the melancholy. And the fire. It's just that those two show it - I usually don't. I think perhaps I should.

I'll sign back in later.

ta.

Hi.

Mah girl

Well. It's been a bit of time since I've written. I'm still here, still wanting to write, but not really having the time or motivation. The next big technology should be streaming your thoughts out into the ether - anyone who wanted could pick them up, or not, and there wouldn't be the bother of actually having to write them down or type them in or check your spelling and grammar. Ah, yes - the phenomenal laziness and narcissism of the American psyche! There isn't much to update, really. More of the same same same. I did start Weight Watchers 3 weeks ago, and the same for regular gym attendance. On the flip side of that, my left knee (the one that wasn't the object of surgery some months ago) has developed horrible tendonitis. Glee. Let's see... I'm visiting Ohio this coming week. My parents didn't end up visiting because I told them not to come after M. and I had a falling out. I fly out on Friday and return the following Friday. I'll get to see my grandpa and one set of aunt/uncle, with a possibility of cousins. I'm looking forward to it quite a lot. I don't think I'll get into a snit of some kind with my dad, but that ever remains to be seen. Nothing else right now. I don't have a picture of the rescued kitty because my camera batteries weren't charged (I will remedy that soon), but he's doing fine, and his name is Mac(Intosh). My new coworkers (most of whom I never see, since I only work there on Saturdays) liked that name best. He's a pain in the ass to medicate - I had to dose him this past weekend. He had a swollen scrotum post-surgically, hence the antibiotics. He's a strong little guy, and he was ever so displeased with being medicated. His black fur was adorned with Clavamox after the fact. Anyhow, enough out of me. Bo-ring. Ta for now.

Brief check-in

Just wanted to give an update about the kitty. When I go in to work this weekend, I will take a picture of him; I was remiss in not doing so this past weekend! He is doing fine. His name is "NoName ___" (my last name); I need to change that. I think I might name him Hudson; we'll see what my new coworkers think about that. His leg is bandaged; there will be no surgery. He will heal just fine, though he may have a limp and one day some arthritis in the leg. The veterinarian who owns the practice says he doesn't want any money from me for taking this fellow in; I intend to donate one of my paychecks from the clinic to him anyway. There is no reason for there to be no compensation at all. Compassion is often its own reward, but there are expenses involved in caring for an injured animal. "Hudson" is a doll. He eats heartily, purrs the very instant you stand in front of his cage, and is just a total lovebug (lots of headbutting, and he adores affection). There is no way in the world that this cat should have been euthanized. Despite the terrible fight I had with M. about the whole thing, I am glad I stood up for what I believe in, money or no money. There are some things that cannot be compromised. I am loving my new job, on the whole. It pays substantially less than what I'm getting here, but I like it better in some ways. I have always loved veterinary medicine, and chances are I always will. I got to do all kinds of cool things on Saturday - I drew blood, gave injections, gave enemas, read urinalyses, fecals, and CBC's, ran the blood machines, monitered catheters - in essence, I was treated like a licensed technician. It was awesome, because I *do* know my stuff. I'm a bit rusty, but I've been involved in veterinary medicine on and off (mostly on) since I was a teenager. Which is much longer ago than I would like. Be that as it may, it feels good to be back into it. What other job is there where, when you're feeling down, you can go pick up a kitten? Not very many. More soon. Ta. ----------------------------- Edited to add: Shannon (http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/) suggests that the kitty have a name reflecting the orchard he hung out in. The trees around here are: honeycrisp, red and golden delicious, empire, macintosh, jersey-mac, ginger-gold, macoun, cameo, fuji, braeburn, cortland, gala, jonagold, lady apple, liberty, mutsu, pristine, smoothee, spigold, winesap... and a bunch of cider apples whose names I don't know. We have a whole block of apples of other varieties I'm not familiar with, but they are few; the above represent what we have the most of. What do you think? Any of these names appeal? Going once, going twice....

Yet another hiatus

All one of you who still read here - greetings! I am taking a break for a bit for a few reasons: one, I have a ton (almost literally, I would guess) of work to get done around here. My boss handed me a list this morning that is nothing short of daunting. Two, things are not going terribly well in my relationship, and that puts me in the mood to either get way too personal or to not write at all, so I'm opting for the latter for the time-being. I had posted in some detail about how I'm feeling about M. (and vice versa); I took it down because it felt wrong to have it out there. Too much rawness, too close-up and personal. To top it off, I'm stressed about a cat I rescued two days ago. He was hit by a car right out in front of the lab where I work; I took him to the veterinary hospital where I just started a part time job (I've only worked there a day; this is the second hit-by-car cat I've brought in, and it makes me feel a bit guilty - I think I need to reassure them that I don't go around doing this all the time). As it turns out, he has a tricky fracture of the distal femur - the vet I work for says he wouldn't want to do the surgery himself; he'd refer it. Which, of course, would be extremely expensive. I can't find the owner - the cat is a young (one or two years old), intact male; he's very friendly (didn't even attempt to bite me even when he was in terrible pain - aside from the broken leg, he's covered in road rash and one of his pads was torn off; I'm sure he's also contused as all get-out). He was wearing a flea collar, and he's been seen around the lab and the orchard quite often over the past few weeks. I'd actually petted him before myself - he's the sort of cat who throws himself down on his side in anticipatory pleasure when you approach to stroke his fur. He's a sweetheart. Problem: M. thinks I should have him euthanized. I disagree. Further problem: money. As in I don't have enough of it to really go the whole distance for this cat - it would literally wipe out the savings I have left to my name. M. has over 15 grand in savings of his own (garnered before we got together), but he won't be donating to the cause, such as it is. At this point, I need to sit down with the vet and see if there are any options open to me - can I do a payment plan? (which is a really, really crappy way to begin a new job - what a wonderful impression that would make) Would he or either of his associates be willing to do sort of a patch job on the leg, knowing that they wouldn't do it as well as a specialist? (again, not something I relish asking a new employer - "Hey, can you compromise your ethics for me even though we only met 3 weeks ago?") Even further problem: I also need to find this boy a home once he's fixed up. I can't take him in; I can't do that to my aging kitty. So - this is a pretty sucky quandry to find myself in, basically. No doubt it will cause further stress on my relationship with M., which is the absolute last thing it needs right now. Meh. So yeah, that's what's going on. Work, relationship, and outside stress. Such is life, I suppose. Take those moments of happiness when they come your way, folks! I will be trying to do the same. Over and out for a bit. Ta.