To tide (anyone who still reads) over...

I give you two photos Shannon sent me from her wedding that totally cracked me up. First of all, can you say "red, red face"? It's kind of akin to "Red, Red Wine," (UB40) which also goes a long way in explaining the hideous brilliance of my face. Also - nice hair, Anne.

Anne and Shan, best friends forever.

Greg bites Anne on the cheek; Anne grins.

Both of these photos made me laugh and laugh - what a great night that was! For the record, Greg is in a longterm relationship, as am I - this photo is completely platonic, though wonderfully goofy. Thank you again to Shannon and Barrett for having such a terrific wedding - I really haven't had that much fun since, or well before. Raise a glass to my best friend and her lovely husband! My parents are visiting for a brief day and a half, so I'll be off tomorrow. I'm very excited to see them, but wincing a little in advance because I worry about the tension between my dad and M. Like me, my mom can pretty much tolerate and roll with most anything (sometimes a good trait, often not so much)... but the two males? Nope. Anyhow, before I go off on a tangent, ta. Best weekends to all of you.

Baby fruit

Peaches, yet to be hand-thinned

Plums Peach

They're kinda pretty, aren't they, these young fruit? So much work goes into growing these guys and keeping them healthy - it's absolutely remarkable. Hat tip and a low bow to all the farmers out there.

I don't have a lot to say. I do have a new job as a quasi-vet tech. I'm not licensed in this state, but I have about a bajillion hours of experience, and I was the head technician at a busy practice for 3 or 4 years when I lived in NH. I spent the day at a local hospital here, and the doctor who owns the practice liked me, so I'm hired. Part time for now, of course; hopefully I would be able to get more hours once my job at the lab is over. It was a typical day in vet medicine - 8 and a half hours of work, ten minutes of which was used to sit for a moment and snork down lunch. Four euthanasias (sigh), one very angry cat (no, not the least bit of fun), 3 animals who are probably no longer with us at this point (very ill), and lots of other critters who are generally fine. I fell right back into it without a glitch. There are a few new things, and there is some material I'd like to review, but all in all, it went very well.

Well... must get going. I will write more tomorrow or the next day. Best to you all.

Ta.

Future insects. And my arm.

The first three shots are insect eggs of some variety - I have no idea what species they are. Our entomologist is out at the moment, so I've got each leaf in a separate jar; I'd like to see what they are. Presently, we're rating apple trees for summer fungal disease (against their fungicide regimens); I came across these eggies as I was rating. They may or may not survive; we shall find out soon! I used to do this sort of thing all the time - build terrariums out of pickle jars. I would catch bugs or hatch them, just to see what they were all about. I actually have some good stories with reference to that - ask me sometime about Fred the Luna moth and my passle of preying mantis babies!

The last shot is a study in contrasts - my arm held up next to my leg. Eleven days later and the contrast is even more striking.

Well, that's all I really have right now. I'm still thinking hard about the things I said a few entries back.

More soon.

Ta.

Heeelllp meeeee.......

Hi there. I am swimming around - drowning, more like - in a sea of data. Three years worth of soil sampling analyses in the undertaking. My boss decided yesterday that he wants a whole bunch of data to be recalculated in a way different from the way I've been doing it for THREE YEARS. Argh, to say the least. On top of having to recalculate approximately forty bajillion numbers, I also have to jimmy around with a bunch of other equations. In my world, jimmying around with equations is a form of torture. Extreme torture. I'm feeling the need to run away from here, far far away. Alas, no can do. Moving on. I'm in a slightly better mood today. I grudgingly went out in the canoe last night with M. I was grudging because I really just wanted to collapse on the bed with a book. Also, M. and I have been a little (ok, a lot ) distant lately - in part because I'm at the end of my rope with regard to his need to dictate my life, in part because he is struggling quite a bit with his own issues - so I didn't really want to go out in a boat with him for a few hours. As usually happens when I spend time outside, though, it was a good thing. We saw several Baltimore orioles (gorgeous!), a few blue herons, carp, small and large-mouth bass, sunfish (difficult to say what species - we got to see a bunch of their nests, which is always cool - they look like this: http://fishsvr.com/images/pics/nests2_091706.JPG), belted kingfishers, a beaver (who slapped his or her tail on the water soundly), a muskrat, a crayfish, a gigantic snapping turtle, a green frog (Rana clamitans), and the usual suspects - mockingbirds, robins, wood thrushes (heard, not seen), grackles, loads and loads of tree swallows, and lots of water bugs. It was very nice to get out there. I just wish things were better between me and M. Well, I don't have much to say, and I'm kind of under the gun at the moment with regard to this data. Boring entry, I know. I'm too tired and too busy to give you anything more than a list of species! On that note - get outside whenever you have a spare moment. It's wonderful out there. Until later, ta.

Having a tantrumy moment.

I thought I'd had this mood under control, kind of, but I received a package from England today, along with a flimsy, familiar airmail envelope with the receipt in it. It's for work, for an air sampling machine we have that needs a new charger. At any rate, the envelope reminded me of being overseas, living there, doing things differently. As hard as it was, I have to say I've rarely felt more alive. Only in hiking or paddling or running have I had the same feeling. Freedom, and also adversity - such vividness of being. My boss is upset with me at the moment for reasons that are only partially my fault. I am hurt by this, and also angry. In addition, I am fed up with my life being dictated by my significant other. I'm sick of it. In these few sentences, I condemn both gainful employment and longterm relationships - and in some ways, hell fucking yeah. I want to get back out there, be alive, do things, experience the world, and maybe - MAYBE - make some small difference. The best way to get there is to continue on my path - if I'm a nurse, I can go anywhere. I'm not saying it's the key to the kingdom, but I can go overseas. I can make a small difference. I don't have to stay trapped, feel trapped. It is so very, very hard to wait, and life just keeps on going by. I feel like I'm going to explode. I am so tired of restraints and expectations and disappointing people. Those three things alone sap the life out of me. Add to that the sea of ignorance and apathy we all swim in these days, and it sometimes seems intolerable. Friday, on my way home, I saw a cat laying on the road, half in the grass, half on the pavement. It looked odd even from 55 mph. I turned around, of course. He had been hit - of course. And no one had bothered to stop - of course. I had a sheet in my trunk - I took it out to catch him with it. He hissed and dragged himself away on his front legs, panting with pain and from the heat. He was a long-haired kitty, grey and white, with startling green eyes. I blocked his way back into the road, and he dragged his thin little body over to the base of a tree. I caught him in the sheet and picked him up as gently as I could. I set him on the passenger seat, turned off the radio, and turned up the air conditioning. As I drove toward the nearest veterinary clinic, he got his head out from under the sheet and laid there panting, staring right into my eyes when I looked at him, and hissing at me if I touched him. Eventually, he stopped hissing and allowed me to stroke his side, but still he panted. His lower jaw was split open down the center; there were lacerations and abrasions all over his body - and obviously, he had a broken back or pelvis. Still he looked right into my eyes. It killed a part of me to see that. The first clinic didn't have a vet there at that time, so I called ahead to the next clinic, the one where I take my cat. They took me in. Long story short, I had him euthanized. His pelvis was broken, and he was feral. If he didn't die from his injuries, the recovery period would have been long and arduous - and as at least a semi-wild cat, it would have been next to impossible. I have questioned myself again and again - did I do the right thing? It was a terrible thing to have to do. I just hope that I made his last hour more comfortable - safer, and in the hands of people who cared. I managed not to cry, other than tearing up a bit, which was good. As it turns out, I think I'll be working some Saturdays at that clinic this summer. I'm glad for that. M. argued with me about what I would have done had the cat been clearly a pet - I might have tried to save it. He was, as usual, concerned about money. Not that I'm not, but there are some things that need to be done; some things that I have to do. This is all to say - I am sick of being told what I should do, what I should think, when I should do things, how I should do them. Sick, sick, sick. I am tired of being a shadow of who I can be. I am sick of seeing cutting and alcohol as escapes. No, I'm not using those things right now, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about them. Like I said - exploding head. I have to get back to work. Best. Ta. ------------------- Edited to add: I just read over this and realized how familiar it must sound if you've read here for a long time (one or two of you)... that's because about a year ago I picked up another hit-by-car cat on the side of the road and did the same thing - took it to the one clinic (no vet, not there yet because that time was early in the morning), then to the same next one, who took the body for me. In that situation, the cat died in my back seat before I got him help; he was crying, yowling, the whole ride, and I was sobbing by the time I got to the doctor's office. Sometimes seems like things repeat themselves time and again. Not sure if that means anything. I don't need to say it again, but I will - please, please get your animals spayed or neutered. An addendum to that - please, if you can help it at all, DO NOT have outdoor cats! I feel very strongly about that. It leads to nothing good in almost every situation.

Nothing to see here.

Except these things, of course.

I continue to be in an antisocial funk. I'm sorry. I really am. I miss people when I'm being this way. I'm not sure I really understand why I become such a spiny, hands-offish little island of a person sometimes. I hate the phrase "it's not you... it's me," but it's so true in this case. Maybe it's because all of you who I love or who I think I would love are too far away. There are no kindred spirits within less than half a day's driving distance - none that I've met, anyhow.

And so... off I go into the weekend. Depressingly, I have to take some work with me. I'm not very excited about that fact, and I am already anticipating M.'s lack of enthusiasm for work brought home. Meh.

There are, though, cute cat feet in the world. And cardinals and clover and blue skies and baby cherries. Orb spiders and wild daisies and majestic oaks and cold creeks. There are good things, and I'd do best to remember these.

Best weekends to you.

Ta.

In lieu of anything really interesting...

I present to you two of my bookshelves. Yep. There they are! The one on top also has my collection of beloved knick-knacks. I'm not one to buy myself such things, ever - they were all given to me. The photos you see are my dad (blue frame) with a small snapshot of his dad in the corner of it; Shannon (and maybe Barrett?) at a party, and my parents and brother when he was in the Marines. I know you can't really see any of them very well, but I thought I'd list them nonetheless. I used to have far more books than this; I have pared down to old favorites and I try to go to the library instead of buying. I have three other bookshelves other than these; they mostly contain my textbooks and various field and hiking guides as well as cookbooks. One of the first things I do when I'm visiting someone is to look at their choice in books - they say a lot about a person. There isn't much more in life that I love as much as I love books and reading; these things are central to my life and I daresay my happiness.

So. Apologies for the long silence. I haven't felt like talking. I have similarly fallen behind in my email communication and in my commenting habits. I guess I'm in kind of a silent space right now - I haven't been talking on the phone either. I don't really have much to say. Work is going along just fine, but I really need to get my resume out there for something after my funding runs out here. It's going to be particularly challenging to find a good job given my constraints - I have to be able to get to class by 5 on Tuesdays and by 4:30 on Wednesdays, so the job has to be both flexible and geographically near the school. There really isn't anything that pays more than slightly over minimum wage that fits the bill. For the millionth time, I must say I am so very fortunate to have the job that I do right now. I really wish it would continue until I'm done with nursing school. Ah, well. If nothing else, I may end up being a veterinary assistant or receptionist again. I took my cat to the vet over the weekend and the doctor expressed interest in hiring me; he also said since he has two techs who are licensed in NY, he doesn't mind that I'm not and would let me do things that I know how to do instead of relegating me to kennel duty. I'm sure there would be kennel duty too, but that wouldn't be my exclusive province. We shall see. The big advantage of that job would be that it is within walking distance of my house.

As to the ongoing depression.... meh. It still clings like a wet blanket. Nothing has really changed. Of course, I'm not on any meds at this point, and my exercise schedule - while not nonexistent - hasn't been strenuous enough to ward off the blues. The new therapist is an unknown quantity as yet - it's always hard to tell at first. She seems nice enough. I will reserve judgement for now.

Did I say I didn't feel like talking? I really don't, but I suppose I wanted to catch you up if you read here. Today's work: pruning root suckers and scrubbing down one of the large walk-in coolers where we store apples. Neither of these things fills me with happy anticipation.... but they must be done... and so I'm off.

Ta for now.

Good weekends to you all!

Here are some mediocre photos of stuff that has caught my eye while I'm out in the orchard - the quality of these shots do not reflect adequately how pretty these "weeds" really are. A side note: I am creeped out right now because I just pried a tick off of my neck. Shudder. Anyway - flowers -

Red clover Genus Ranunculus (buttercup, not sure which species)

orchard grass (yes, that's really the name - I'm too lazy to find the Latin right now)

A row in the North 40

Genus Equisetum

Daisy fleabane

Blue-eyed grass

I may stick the Latin names in on Monday; right now I don't have time, and I don't remember them off the top of my head. I do remember a dorky amount of critters by their Latin names, but not all, by a long shot.

Shiver. I am now imagining myself crawling with ticks. I need to get home and shower and do a thorough inspection, especially since this region is Lyme disease central. What's really REALLY creepy is how they don't just brush off - those hideous flat bodies and all those clingy legs keep them right on your skin even before they bite in. UGH.

Alrighty, then. I did see a few cool things in the orchard today - several bluebirds, a six-foot long black snake, and a green heron. I saw the heron flying, heard it calling, and watched it land in a bare tree - very cool. I spent my entire day outside - how incredibly lucky am I? Aside from the tick, of course.

There's an mini concert going on down the hall. One of my coworkers (he works with grapes) has his own vineyard at home, and makes his own wine. Many Fridays he brings in a few bottles for people to try, and this week a visiting vineyard owner is here with his own wine - and also his banjo. Another coworker used to play fiddle in a band. I can hear banjo and fiddle from here, and some singing as well. I'll have to stop in and say hello before I leave.

Well, I wish you all a lovely weekend. I'm feeling alright right now, which is solely due to the time I spent outside today. I should pitch a tent and just live out there forever!

Until Monday, ta.

Very, very short

My baby.

I am feeling sad and cynical and rather stark right now. I'm writing to say something that any of you few who read here already know - be kind. Be kind, in whatever circumstance you find yourself in. That's how I try to live most of the time, but I find myself being mean at times... and meanness never pays off, never. I'm thinking about this because I've been reading people who write about their damaged children, or about their damaged relationships. Everyone has something in their life that causes them pain. It seems to me that the best way to respond to anyone is with kindness. I'm preaching to the choir, I'm guessing, much like the whole "spay and neuter your pets!" post.. but I feel like I need to say it anyway.

Ta, until later.

A meme.

Just because I feel like it. I got it from Pea - http://littlepeapod.blogspot.com/. A - Attached or Single?: Attached. B - Best Friend?: Shannon, of http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/. Which is probably obvious by now. C - Cake or Pie?: Neither - not a sweets fan. D - Drink of Choice?: Water. E - Essential Items?: It seems as though I'm being a bit of a copycat... because one of my essential items is chapstick, more or less the same thing as Pea's lip balm. I'm sorry. It's true, though. Also - my camera and my watch. F - Favorite Color?: Faded blue-jean blue. Light blues and periwinkles follow. I despise turquoise. I don't trust people who drive turquoise cars. G - Gummie Bears or Worms?: Ick - neither! H - Hometown?: Columbus, Ohio I - Indulgence?: Pickles. And video rentals. J - January or February?: January - that's when my best friend and my brother were born. Also, it's unabashedly winter. I keep hoping for mild weather in Feb, and I'm always disappointed. K - Kids?: No kids now, and probably never. L - Life is incomplete without?: Water and oxygen. Also - trees, animals, rivers, ponds, lakes and oceans..... pizza, pickles, and hot sauce. And books, for sure. M - Most favorite bird?: (I changed this letter of the meme) - I have many. Right now? The mockingbird. N - Number of Siblings?: one brother - younger. O - Oranges or Apples?: Oranges, though I suppose I should say apples given that I work with apple trees almost every day. Still, though - oranges. P - Phobias/Fears?: I used to have three mainstay irrational fears - fear of accidentally sucking my eyeball out with the vacuum cleaner hose (my dad told me once that it was possible, and forever after the idea plagued me), accidentally sticking my fingers through a baby's fontanelles (no, not much baby experience here. clearly.), and getting murdered in an empty public restroom late at night. Esoteric fears, no? Now, I suppose I fear real things - being unable to find a job, having insufficient retirement funds, dying alone. Q - Favorite Quote?: "Just passing through." R - Reason to smile?: My cat. S - Seasons?: Spring and fall - and I can never decide which one I like better. T - Tags?: Anyone who wants to be tagged. U - Unknown Fact About Me?: I have scars on my ankles. V - Vegetarian or oppressor of animals?: Vegetarian for 20 years now. W - Worst Habit?: I have rather a lot of them. Probably procrastination is among the worst. X - X-rays or ultrasounds?: I've had both. Y - Your favorite food?: Pizza and salad. Z - Zodiac?: Pisces. And though I'm not a believer in such things, I'm awfully Pisces-like a lot of the time. ------------------------------ The end. Ta for now.

Blue Monday

This is where I'd rather be - curled up in my reading spot with a good book.

So, hi there. The above photo is in the guest bedroom where some of my "artwork" has accumulated - the wolf lamp (which I adore), the Sri Lankan evil-eye-warding-off mask (truly), and the Lincoln Zoo poster I've had since high school. I've never actually been there, but I've always loved the poster, so there it is. There are a few other things of mine on the other walls too. This is where I would like to spend most of my time when I'm home, so long as I have a decent book to read.

I'm in a blue mood at the moment, and it's pouring rain so there's no escaping to the orchard for some cleansing outdoor physical labor. I do actually have labor to do - involving more apple boxes, which just thrills me to no end - but it's more the annoying gruntwork type of work. And it's incredibly sticky out - a mere five minutes of work has me drenched and icky. Ah, well. The present blueness is the same old thing... the usual depression that has clung to me like a giant, sucking leech my whole life. Meh. I've been feeling really down lately about how I've squandered my potential in life - I was given so much, and I've used so little. It's disheartening, and I have no one to blame but myself. And again I say - meh. Which makes for such titillating reading.

In other news, I did finally get an appointment with a counselor for this Thursday. I had to cancel my annual gynecology appointment to fit it in, but that's really just fine with me. I'm not a big fan of the stirrups or the associated poking and prodding - shudder. I rescheduled that marvelous appointment for the fall. At any rate, maybe this therapist will be able to help me out - and maybe I'll actually be ready to help myself too. I did try counseling a few years ago, but I ended up being an idiot - I pretended I was doing better than I actually was and sort of talked myself out of the whole reason for doing talk therapy to begin with. I have this desperate, panting need to please people - it's really quite absurd. I remind myself of a golden retriever sometimes, falling all over myself to please the whole world, hoping to lick its face and maybe fetch its newspaper. Then there's the flip side, wherein I collapse into a black hole and disappear from people's lives (physically and/or metaphorically) with no word or reason as to why I've done so. I think that behavior probably has to do with exhaustion from the overwhelming need to please. What would be really nice is if I could just even out. I don't seem to have a middle gear - it's either full-throttle or full-stop with me. It's obnoxious. I have a long list of people I have let down and disappointed with this behavior. The guilt I feel as a result is profound.

Blather.

Anyway.... enough meandering. I'd best get to today's ongoing task of scrubbing and hosing down one of our walk-in coolers, after which I will be moving (grumblegrumble) stacks and stacks of apple boxes into it for storage until fall.

Until later, ta.

p.s. I'm not really a fan of Maxine, Hallmark's crabby female card character, but she's made me smile over the years a few times. I saw this quote on a Maxine notepad the other day that made me think, though. It's nothing that hasn't been said a million times by a million different authors (God included, in the good book), but I have to give credit where credit is due. The quote is thus: "In a hundred years, this won't matter. It barely matters now." I'm keeping that at the fore of my brain because it's not a bad thing to have there.

Over and out.

Happy weekends to you!

Before I go, though... a bunch of random images from the orchard.....

Multiflora rose, up close

Multiflora rose from a few feet back. These guys tend to take over and are not particularly well liked. They're pretty, though. This one is in a hedgerow between orchard blocks.

Schmuck from cedar-apple rust. I suppose the more scientific term would be spore debris or something like that. Lovely, no? See below photos for source of orange goo.

Warning sign in the orchard, seemingly more apropos with the disjointed head and hand.

Cedar apple rust, swollen telia. If I'd gotten to my camera earlier, these would've looked cooler (i.e. more like jelly-tentacles), but I didn't so they're a bit dried out at the tips.

Another shot of cedar apple rust telia

Brand-spankin' new vineyard! I don't work with the vines, so I don't really know what's going on with them. There are 30 or 40 varietals planted, and they won't fruit in a meaningful way for about three years. (oh, and - they're in the tubes somewhere, hence the look of a field of blue sleeves)

Boot on Gator, looking down peach row. Note: Gators are fun.

Angry mockingbird parent, there in the background.

Another shot of the angry parent, who spent much of his or her day chrring at me in a decidedly angry tone as I (presumably) worked near the nest (which I never found).

Alrighty, then. So, there's that. I feel much better now, having worked outside all day. I shouldn't get myself so worked up. Whatever happens, happens, and all I can do is keep trying to walk the right path.

I got quite a gigantic amount of amusement out of a pair of mockingbirds (one of the pair seen above) because I was working near their nest, hence eliciting all kinds of fabulous close-range flight displays and near-constant worried calling. So much fuss, so many angry buzzing noises from the harried bird-parents! I couldn't help but to laugh. They were my sidekicks for much of my work today. I did nothing that threatened their nest; I suppose working in its vicinity was crime enough for the avian hoopla.

Well... I suppose that's it. Another day past. I have twigs and leaves in my hair, I'm sweaty and sunburned... and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wish you all a wonderful weekend.

Until Monday, ta.

This makes me SO MAD.

I am trying to find a counselor/therapist to talk through some stuff. First of all, I don't have access to a list of providers - I have to call the insurance company and talk to a complete stranger to get a list. This means, of course, that my account is flagged for "mental health and/or substance abuse counseling requested." This is something that I deem the most private of private medical scenarios - sensitive stuff. It's hard enough to seek help - when you have to go through an automated menu and end up with a stranger asking you if you are homocidal, suicidal, or abusing substances (and meanwhile, your call is being monitored or recorded), it's almost impossible. First of all, who is going to say, "Why yes! I think I might go on a reign of terror through my town, then kill myself, and oh by the way excuse me while I chug this tequila shot and shoot up!" Who is going to say that? And no, just for the record, I'm not considering any of those things. Second, the person on the other end of the line gives me a random list of providers - when I ask what specialties they might practice, either I am forced to tell this perfect stranger what it is I want to talk about (no thank you), or I just roll the dice. It's a shitty way to get mental health care. It's difficult enough to come to a point wherein you decide to try to help yourself - the barriers that are put in your path are simply too much. I am steaming mad. Also - let's say you do have a substance abuse problem, something I have in fact wrestled with now and again (alcohol, not drugs, and it's not a problem right now)... what is my motivation for telling someone I've never met, over the phone, during a potentially recorded conversation, something that my insurance company will forever hold against me? And something that future employers could ostensibly find out? There is no motivation for me to help myself in this instance - none. It's called "Alcoholics ANONYMOUS" for a reason - if you're trying to seek help, the last thing you need is a faceless fucking bureaucracy learning about something like that. Man, am I angry. I know our healthcare system sucks - this is just one of the myriad ways. Alrighty, then. Thank you for listening. More later. ______________________ Edited to add: Apologies for the foul language. I was pretty pissed off when I wrote this. I've been cooling down (mentally, anyhow - it's hot and humid outside, ick) up in the orchard, being entertained by a pair of mockingbirds. Oh, and pruning root suckers on apple trees. I managed to track down a counselor, I think. The receptionist at the practice said she could match me up with one of their counselors if I gave her a few details about what it is that's troubling me. I didn't mind doing that with her - I just don't need to be sharing those details with my insurance company or the state of NY. Man, do I hate big government and other assorted bureaucracies. At any rate, they're supposed to call me back sometime today or tomorrow. More later. Ta.

Again with the cat pictures!

Shelby's "dead cat" pose slung over my left shoulder

A flattering view of both of us. And yes, I know how awful I look, but she's hugging me! I had to post it.

So. How were your weekends? Mine was largely uneventful. I'm feeling disgruntled this morning, and I've already fallen behind on the work I'm supposed to be doing today. (which is this: tying up loose tops on huge blocks of apple trees, which will take me the rest of the day; I have more than that to do, but I can't see having time to do it. once again, I am going to be staying late every day this week.) I am also feeling guilty - I haven't called friends or family in over a week. I've just been too tired and mentally out of sorts. Hopefully I'll stop with the antisocial irritability sometime soon because it's even wearing me out.

As you can see, I have nothing of real consquence to say. I guess there's one thing - I've decided to take on a new task, in addition to the Big Job Hunt this summer - I'm going to order the materials to possibly take the wildlife rehabber's licensing exam next year. This is something I've wanted to do for a very long time. I say "possibly" because between nursing school and working full time I'm going to be pretty much flat out busy for what will seem like a hundred years... but lately I've been lying awake at night intensely worried about the increasingly rapid passage of time. I need to do some things that I know I will love, other people's opinions and my own schedule be damned. I am starving for something like that. I feel as though I'm on a giant hamster wheel of work, school, house cleaning, worry about money, and constant anxiety over my relationship. It's exhausting. I know I'm certainly not alone in this - the world is a sea of people just like me. I just don't want to wake up when I'm 80 (if I should make it that far) wondering why I spent my life trying to please everyone else. So, yeah. Wildlife rehab. (shout out to Sher - http://whatdidyoueat.typepad.com/)

Well, I'd better get my grumpy carcass out to the orchard. Until later, ta.

Happy weekends to you.

Blurry condiments, for black bean burritos with goat cheese

The photo is apropos of nothing, other than dinner. Last week's dinner, really! I liked the colors, but I couldn't get the camera to focus. Oh, well.

I am tired, having been out in the sun all day. It's been a tiring couple of days here at work - I have done next to no emailing and essentially no reading of blogs, but for a few. I will have a chance next week; meanwhile, I once again apologize for the lack of comments, if you care or are wondering.

What more can I say? I'm a bit done-in at the moment. No plans for the weekend, really, aside from the usual housework, and I will probably have to do some work on the outside of the house too. I feel grumpy and slightly resentful about that for reasons I don't really want to get into. Well, blah. So very very boring. My apologies.

Seeya Tuesday.

Quickie

Hiya. No real time to write, but I wanted to point out this website: http://www.petswithdisabilities.org I stumbled across it in my search for jobs (don't ask; sometimes I go far afield and get trapped by certain sites, such as this one). They are doing a wonderful service. If you want a pet, please do not go to a pet store to get it. There are too many needy critters out there who would make wonderful companions - buying an animal from a pet store leaves those critters one more home shy of a permanent place to live, and it supports puppy/kitten/bird/reptile mills. Even if you can't take care of a special needs pet, please adopt from your local shelter. Above all, get your pet spayed or neutered! This has been a public service announcement. Please please keep it in mind.

Quick and dirty

A quick post about my work - unfortunately, not the orchard work (hopefully tomorrow) - but the inside-ish work. I think I will love this job forever, as much as I complain about it. Where else would I love all of my coworkers, be able to work outside and with plants (my dearest loves, most of the time), and still do some science? Only here.

The dreaded apple boxes. I think I've been scrubbing these guys (and their ilk) for 3 months now, between other projects. They hold apple trays during experiments, are incredibly heavy (the ones in the foreground, at any rate), and there are hundreds of them. This is only a small sample, drying and waiting to be stored.

This is a sample of my potting efforts recently. It looks like nothing, but it's really quite a lot of effort to get these guys into pots, and into a potting mixture that I put together myself. With my muscles. Indeed. Ahem. In the foreground are cedars; in the background are apple trees. A dozen of their compatriots have since been planted in the orchard. This is the trough with water and quaternary ammonium where I soak and scrub the dreaded apple boxes. I actually have muscle from lifting those cinder blocks on and off of the boxes repeatedly, for hours at a time.

The dreaded garlic mustard (Alliaria petiolata),

an invasive species, encountered just outside the greenhouse.

The dirt pile (also dreaded). This is about 200 meters from where I had to take it to mix it with other components to pot trees. I have cursed at this pile a number of times, mostly because of its rock content.That's it. I just wanted to give you a quick picture of what I'm doing as we speak. So exciting.

More later!

Attack Cat

Leaning squinty-eyed into the attacking hand

Employing teeth and back feet in pursuit of The Hand Grrrr The Hand sometimes gets the best of an Attack Cat, which is soon picked up and kissed all over, much to the chagrin of Attack Cat,and much to the good for the owner of The Hand. The end.

Completely cheesy, to be sure, but the photos alone are funny (to me, anyway). The captions leave much to be desired, but I am busy and very tired.

I wish I had more time to write. I really don't right now, though. In lieu of more writing (maybe I will stay a bit after work to say a few more things - my head is ready to explode at the moment and writing is a reliable way to drain that tension off...)... I give you this entry from Sher of What Did You Eat? http://whatdidyoueat.typepad.com/what_did_you_eat/2007/01/macncheese_off.html#more

This is what I just had for lunch, and I loved it. I have made this dish twice now, and I highly recommend it. The tomatoes add such a lovely juicy/freshness to the mac & cheese, and the thyme is essential.

Well, back to work. Ta.

Sorry for the silence.

Once again, I have a lot on my mind - stuff from the old days, so to speak, that is making me think about why I have done some of the things that I have in my life. These musings are not new, but I feel as though I abandoned my search for answers a few years ago. I think I'm ready to start looking again. I'm not sure I should write about the things I really need to on this blog - there are too many who know me here, and I don't want to inadvertently hurt or scare anyone. There's nothing to be worried about - I have no plans to hurt myself, and I'm not going to be talking about anyone but me by name if the information is negative. What I'm thinking about is just too sensitive for this space. I suppose that begs the question, "Why put it out there at all?" I guess the answer is this: maybe I can help someone with my words, and maybe someone can help me. If you're interested in reading what I write elsewhere, you're free to email me at: annebrev@hotmail.com Meanwhile, I'll try to post here more regularly with the usual boring banter of my life. Speaking of which, I have some new cat pictures to share with you all! I can hear the collective intake of breath - your excitement is almost palpable. I'll post them at lunch! Ta for now.

Seriously?

Holy moly. I think I may have had a visit from someone amazing on this blog. (note to self: please, please figure out how to put credit where credit is due on the sidebar. thanks.) (also - you, my friends who read? You are also amazing. I am speaking to a different facet of amazingness.) You know how this blog is called "The Flying Mobulas"? Some of you may have read why I named it that, some of you may not have. It's in reference to some gorgeous work by Paul and Michael Albert, both photographically and in writing - I posted about it thus (apparently, I don't know how to link to my own posts, so I'm just posting the whole thing; I don't have time right now to do any more than that): "An explanation regarding the blog title: I have had blogs elsewhere for going on three years. One I deleted because it simply became too raw, too personal. The second one should have been left standing, but in a moment of stupidity I deleted that one as well. And so... here we go again!My decision to blog at all stems from a need to write things out. I've kept journals since I was a child, on and off; for me, writing is the easiest form of communication. One thing I've learned is that - surprisingly - it is also one of the easiest ways for me to communicate with myself, so to speak. Many times what comes out on the keyboard has more clarity for me than the thoughts swirling in my own head. So, that's the first reason I blog - to work things out. Secondly, I have things that do need to be worked out. Right now my life is not in a particularly good place. I want to remove myself from this place, though at the moment I'm not quite sure how to do that. This is a start. And lastly, I have found the blogging community to be very supportive in times when I need a hand up. I discovered that I am not alone, though I may feel that way. This has helped me immeasurably. I seem to live my life very much through words - my own and those written by others. I don't know why that is, but it has always been thus. I used to wonder why, but I just accept it as a fact of my life at this point. It's not that I want to avoid human interaction, nor am I incapable of conversation - it's just that the written word is a part of the foundation of who I am. That's all.And finally - the title of the blog. A year or so ago, a friend of mine sent me a link to a fantastic set of pictures, accompanied by a truly lovely essay. The photo series is of mobulas, a genus of rays. Just looking at the pictures of these gorgeous creatures and reading the words of the essay lifted my spirits - there is such freedom in the flying mobulas. The author finishes his essay with a quote from Steinbeck about the "joyful survival of sea life." These ideas appeal to me very much - I crave freedom, I hunger for joy and beauty. I seek, to use the same phrase, joyful survival. The essay by Paul and Michael Albert is very inspiring to me for these reasons... hence the title of the blog. Please visit the essay and photos here: http://www.malbertphoto.com/mobulas1.html" --------------------------------------- Anyhow, it would seem that Paul Albert left a note on my last post. Silly, ignominious thing that it was. Rather embarrassing. At any rate, this would be a good time to visit said work - I came by this name, blogwise, in earnest, and it seems now is a good time to be reminded that indeed, life should be about joyful survival! Indeed.

Ayiii....

...the lack of posting - and the lack of perusing my fellow bloggers blogs - it is killing me. I have no time at all to blog, other than to string together one or two thoughts and then I'm off again. I could really use the writing outlet, as there is much to write/cogitate about happening in my life right now. However, there are moldy apple boxes to be soaked and scrubbed. I am ON FIRE with excitement over this particular mission. On fire, I say. Fire. In other news, I keep having dreams about my ex. We're talking dreams for almost every night, nigh on six months now. These are not bad dreams in any sense, though I always wake up feeling very sad. I'm not one to pick dreams apart, but I would guess these dreams have at least a smidgeon of meaning. I'm not in the mood to do a public analysis, though. Moving on. I had a little bit of a revelation today - barring any bodily catastrophe, I could succeed anywhere. I could live anywhere, I could do with far less than I have right now, and I would be fine. I don't really have a lot right now, not being of the materialistic bent nor of a flush income... but I do have plenty. And I could part with it. Most of what I prize is letters and cards from people, and a few cherished items of clothing. There are a few knick knacks too, I suppose, but not a lot. All of my desire to hold onto these things comes from the fact that I love the people who gave them to me, love them wholly and still. And moving, for that matter. At any rate, I hope to be able to read some blogs tomorrow, and maybe to write more than these little scraps. Ta for now.

No time to write, but...

I passed my BP test! Yay! Deb (http://tiredmummy.blogspot.com) - thank you so much for your advice and your words of encouragement. I so very much appreciate both. Thanks to everyone who wished me well - I needed every bit of prayer and good thought. Gotta get back out into the orchard now. I think I'll be able to post some newer photos now that I'm not constantly thinking about this blood pressure thing. I'll remember to bring my camera with me, at any rate! Alrighty, then. I'm off.

For lack of a better photo

I give you cedar-apple rust,

pre-orange tentacles

I had meant to make a series of this particular lesion/organism, but life thought better of my plans and they got lost. I would love to be able to post about rust because, man, what an ingenious and alien-looking critter it is... but, alas, I don't think I'll have time. I would refer you to Rurality - http://rurality.blogspot.com/2007/03/orange-goo.html . I think she might have other photos of rust, too - it is truly an odd organism. The thing you see above is a prelude to jelly-like orange tentacles - it's quite amazing.

In other news - I have very little time to write, so I'll be brief - I have my blood pressure exam tomorrow morning, and I am not at all convinced that I will pass. I'll let you know.

My Women in the Outdoors classes went quite well. My assessment: I already knew everything they told me about wilderness survival and first aid. I need a more in-depth class to be able to learn something. However, it was lovely to be outside and the instructors did a good job. I also took a landscape sketching class, which was nice, but I'm not an artist and I got frustrated and started drawing moss and pine needles and acorn hats and lichens. I suck as an artist. In the afternoon, I took rifle and shotgun classes. I love shooting a shotgun! I have a bruise now on my shoulder, but still... it was very fun shooting trap. I ended up being pretty good at it, which is a bit strange given my spatial skills. I liked the rifle too, and my groupings on the paper we were shooting were relatively close together. I shot a 12 gauge shotgun and 22 caliber rifle, single shot and with a magazine. On the whole, it was a good day. I have stories to tell about it, but I don't have time right now. I am glad I went.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I'll write more tomorrow, maybe. If not then, soon.

Ta.

Moo.

Blurry daffodil

Howdy. I am very, very tired today - physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm not feeling particularly depressed, though, which is good. I'm just really tired. I've been working outside most days for the past month plus now, and I have developed new respect for farmers, landscape people, construction workers, tradespeople, and the like. It's tiring, lemme tell you, lifting and pulling and digging and shoving and hauling and dealing with recalcitrant machinery. The omnipresent biting flies and the heat and humidity and dirt and oil are icing on the cake of outdoor work. Of course I'm also keyed up over the whole blood pressure debacle and have managed to convince myself that I won't be able to do it, so I've also been living with a sort of low-grade dread every waking moment. Yep. I'm an Olympic quality worrier, there's no question. The next - and last - blood pressure test happens next Tuesday morning. We shall see what we shall see.

I repeat - I do like the outdoor work most of the time. I see and hear gazillions of birds, I get to watch butterflies and occasionally frogs and deer and woodchucks, chipmunks, and rabbits. I am witnessing the season's progression instead of being locked away in a windowless lab. It's good stuff, and I'm guessing now and the coming months will represent the only time in my life when I get to do the sorts of things I'm doing and get paid for it. I suppose what I'm trying to say here is that I appreciate it - it's just that I'm weary at the moment.

I'm going to that Women in the Outdoors seminar tomorrow from 8 to 5 - I'm kind of looking forward to it and kind of feeling too tired and antisocial to go. I signed up for rifle and shotgun lessons, as well as outdoor first aid and wilderness survival. My back-up activities are landscape sketching and hiking. I'm not sure why I chose the sketching bit - I'm not especially artistically inclined. The hiking one is a little silly, too - I know how to hike, and I know how to prep to hike, especially here in the NE. Ah, well. It'll be an interesting day, I'm sure, and maybe I'll make a friend or two. My father has warmed to the idea at this point, which is a welcome thing; M., however, is sulking about the fact that I'm going to be away all day. We had talked about tree shopping on that day, which I'd kind of forgotten in the midst of final exams and hectic work schedules. It annoys me that he's behaving like this; it's not as though I ever really do anything for myself. He tried to pick a fight about it last night, but I just wasn't having any part of that nonsense. There is, after all, nothing at all wrong with what I'm going to do, and we can tree shop any time now that I'm out of school. Kind of ironic how both of the men in my life objected to this outing of mine. Meh, I say.

Well, time to embark on the day's work. Today I shall be fertilizing 400 or so trees, scrubbing moldy apple boxes (charming!), taking branch diameters on 200 tree limbs, and possibly potting yet another shipment of trees. Which, yeah, more wheelbarrowing of heavy, heavy dirt. Jocularity!

First, though, one more cup of coffee and perhaps a sound slap on the face. Must wake up...

Until later, then - ta.

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Edited to add: I just got my final exam grade in the email from my professor - I got a 90 on the final, which brings me up to a 90 for the whole class. A nice, solid B. I prefer A's, of course, but I'll take this happily and run with it. Now, to pass the blood pressure test....

Earlier spring

Dutchman's Breeches

(Dicentra cucullaria)

I took that photo quite awhile ago; just wanted to share it. Meanwhile, I am going to remain silent. The exam last night was a bit crappy, and not because I don't know my stuff. I do. Isn't the pancreas generally found in the left ankle? No? Hmm.

At any rate, I'm going back out to the orchard. I only have another five months left, so I'd rather be out there when I can than in here brooding.

I'll check back in later.

Temporary hiatus

(she announces belatedly) I was off work yesterday to study & off early Friday to have my ears tested & irrigated. That latter was quite the experience! I have my final exam tonight. Naturally, I don't feel ready. Ah, well. It will go how it will go. I spent a goodly number of hours studying for it, but I've learned not to try guessing how I'm going to do because it seems I just never know. A week from today, I have the dreaded blood pressure re-test. As it turns out from my encounter with buckets and buckets of hydrogen peroxide, water, and colace flush, I did have (and yes, this is gross) enormous, hardened wax plugs occluding both ear canals. In the before- and after-flush hearing tests, the right ear improved dramatically; the left has genuine high-frequency hearing loss. The doctor gave me a referral to an audiologist for that, should I choose to pursue it. Meanwhile, I also think I'll get myself a better stethoscope. I won't be getting the amplified one just yet (after much discussion with the doctor, nurses, and my parents), but a better scope might give me an extra edge. So - there you have it. I've done just about all I can do to prepare - and I'll continue to practice on blood pressure volunteers here and probably around the neighborhood at home. I'm out in the orchard all day, counting apple blossoms. It's a lovely, lovely change from hauling soil, and a far cry nicer than working with rotten apples and mold. It's a stunningly beautiful day, and the birds are singing up a storm. The flowers are so pretty - delicate and sweet - so it's actually quite a treat to be out there. The only bad thing is that I can't really sneak in a little studying here and there when I'm in the field. Ah, well. I guess that's it for now! I need to get out in the orchard to take some apple blossom photos - I am an idiot and I missed both the peaches and the apricots. I make myself so mad - this is my last spring here, so I've missed my chance for those photos. Sigh. I missed the plums and pears, too. Just for the record, my favorite apple blossoms are from the Mutsu - they're huge and sexy and silky, and the buds are softly striped like candy pillows. I really do need to get out there tomorrow with the camera. (p.s. hilarity - this just never gets old - I'm sitting very, very still because there is a blue jay on the line outside my window making the red tailed hawk call. I've never had quite such a close view of this behavior - and boy does it make me laugh.) Ta!

Spring!

How could I not witness spring, despite my troubles? Here is a photo from about a week and a half ago - now the leaves are coming out like mad, so this is a rare shot. I have other photos, and I want to get more. My camera is pooped out at the moment, though, and my brain is too.

I'm tired. I think I may have now crossed the million mile mark with that phrase. Perhaps I was born tired. This world is, after all, kind of tiring. It would be nice to just bounce around all day, though, wouldn't it? I can't right now, though. However, the blue skies and the bird song and even the dirt I'm working with right now are reminders that life is precious, even when I feel like poking it in the eye. Several times. I don't have to jump off of a bridge in consternation over a blood pressure reading. If nothing else, I'll be dead soon enough. (yes, that would be my tired and fatalistic thinking pushing itself rudely to the fore)

At any rate, pretty buds. I'll post more photos tomorrow.

Ta.

Bad news.

Well, I had my nursing assessment final last night. I did not pass. I should qualify that - I passed everything except the diastolic number of the blood pressure. I just couldn't hear it. I don't know what the problem was. I'd been on a tractor for several hours close to the time of the exam, but I have no idea if that affected how I was hearing. I was diagnosed with mild hearing loss in January at my physical, but it hadn't caused me problems with taking BP's all semester. I went to the lab many times to practice on the mannequins (the same ones I was tested on), and my readings were always either right on or within 2 mm's Hg. In the clinical, I was checked by instructor, classmates, and the electronic BP machine many times, and my readings were fine. Last night, though... I could hear the systolic but not the diastolic - I consistently called it too soon. What does this mean? It means that I have to go back in a week after the final lecture exam and do another BP. If I don't hear it, I fail the entire course. I have made an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow to have my ears rechecked and possibly irrigated. I am looking into buying a (very expensive - $200 - $400) amplifying stethoscope. And I am practicing. There isn't much else I can do. I am scared to death that I am going to fail. I can't believe it is coming down to something like this. I guess that's all for now. If you are so inclined, I would appreciate your prayers. Good thoughts are welcome too. Until later, ta.

This is the face...

...of someone who doesn't believe that transplanting 200 trees into pots is going to take "just 8 to 10 hours of work." Nope. Not buying it. Can you see the disbelief - nay, the outright suspicion in these eyes? Sure, transplanting trees would be a breeze if one could simply pull dirt from a handy pile. Not so breezy, though, when you have to wheelbarrow the soil (after digging it out of a heap that's been sitting there for 3 years) about 200 meters, then pull peat from another pile, then lime and fertilizer and perlite from another pile (none of which are convenient to the main pile), then mix it all by hand. No, not so breezy at all. How many trees does this work get planted? One pile of all components = 8 trees. YOU do the math, because I just refuse.

No, the photos aren't flattering. Who am I trying to impress, though? Fewer and fewer people, really. So there you have it!

(grumps off back to work)

(and yes, I know I have said I like physical labor. I do! it's just that unrealistic deadlines and looming exams take a toll on my theoretical adoration of said labor.)

____________________

Edited to add: what's really flattering about those photos is the fact that you can see where I've picked at my skin - yay! Also, that is dirt in the second photo, not freckles or fleas. By the way - I have kind of a tall forehead, don't I? I never realized until just now. Hmm. Ok, now back to the hot, hot greenhouse.

Sorry for the paucity of writing...

Shelby says hello

I've been so very, very busy. I think I've sat at my desk for all of 20 minutes over the past three or four weeks. I am also having some crashing issues with my computer, and I have no time to try any fixes right now, so every time I sign on it seems I end up crashing in the middle of an entry or an email and then it's back out into the field with me.

Tonight is my final assessment for this semester - I am very nervous. I also got the last slot for testing, which pisses me off a little - I was still up finishing patient care when my instructor decided to let everyone else pick times for evaluation. My test, therefore, is at 9:30 tonight. I guess the flip side of that is the fact that I'll have a few hours after work to brush up before I walk into the lab. If we screw up, we have one more chance some time tomorrow - and if we screw up then too, we flunk the entire semester. No pressure. I should be ok, so long as I don't rush and I take time to think through the steps of each skill set.

Anyhow... today I am planting trees again. It's dirty, tiring work. I think that's been the hardest thing for me over the past month - I'm using my brain a lot at night in class/lab/clinical after 8 to 10 hours of hard physical labor, pretty much every single day. I'm pretty exhausted. The disappointing thing is that I'm still a big chubba even after all of this - AND I look wan and tired. And now with sunburn, too! Lookout, catwalk, here I come. Ah, well. One more week of this, then I'm free from school till late August.

So, yeah - quite a boring little post. My apologies. I wish I could write more but I just do not have the time right now. Until later, then, ta.

p.s. I miss reading all of your blogs - I try to catch up when I can, though frequently I don't have time to leave a comment. Once school is out I might have a little more time at lunch and at the end of the day to visit. Please know, however, that I'm thinking of you regardless of my silence. I won't name names, but you probably know who you are, my friends!

Mollified.

Just checking in quickly to say: I'm not upset with my dad anymore. I called my parents last night, and my poor mother listened to me rant and rave about what my dad said... and then I talked to said dad, and things have been smoothed over. That's all for now - I just felt bad leaving a mean post at the top of the heap. Over and out - much work to do. Ta.