Trixie

Shannon and Barrett's kitteh with the white toes

Just to have something on this page besides my buoy-filled stupid photos. Trixie likes me, which is a tall thing indeed.

And now, I am off.

Livewire - there's that head again!

Lake George at sunrise

(for title reasoning, see comments on below post) Yep, another picture from the waning ranks of those remaining on the computer. The morning I took this picture and the one below I was enthralled with the beauty - it was completely silent, and the colors were all shades of black, white, blue, and yellow. The palette was lovely. I didn't really do a good job of capturing any of it, but I do like to post photos, so here they are.

I'm going to be out for a few days. I have a conference to attend until Thursday.

I found out over the weekend that my grandpa is not well, and this morning I discovered that my boss is in the hospital. Not good news. Both of them are strong and wonderful, and it hurts to think about their mortality.

I guess that's all right now. Best to you all.

Running low on pictures...

...even those that are well out of date! I'm procrastinating putting up more timely photos because I'm afeared of the rigamarole involved in getting the pictures from the camera to the computer. Obviously I've done it before, but it always seems to end up with me reloading the software each and every time. Yes, I understand that that makes me something of a dunce. Or, if not duncely, at least too lazy/impatient to figure out why I'm constantly having to reload software. At any rate, the above is sunrise over Lake George in NY, taken on a camping trip back in October/November (can't remember). The dark ball is some sort of buoy. Almost monochomatic, this photo.

As usual of late, I don't have much to say. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with school/work/life right now - I go through minor panics every other week or so. It all seems undoable in the midst of these attacks. Thankfully, I get through the panickiness without much bruising and generally do fine.

Let's see, what else? Nothing much in the way of exciting. I'm doing more soil isolations of Penicillium species, but that doesn't really count as exciting in the real world, I'm guessing. Other than that... I'm just tired. I reinjured my (stupid, annoying) post-surgical knee with a cartoonish near-fall on some ice on my porch; it's now swollen and fluid-filled once again. I miss my mom and dad and brother right now. There's a white-throated sparrow in my feeder at the moment. I have a damaged jug of hydrochloric acid on my desk, awaiting a return shipment label. My little windowsill herb garden is growing fabulously - I will be transplanting it next week; the chamomile is especially tall and lovely at this point, with the basil and oregano not far behind. Blah blah blah.

I'll sign off now. I'm not setting anything on fire with this droopy, monotonous prose. Until later, best to any who read - I wish you safe and relaxing weekends.

p.s. Deb - you made me smile with your tale of your first head-to-toe exam! I'm glad to hear you've gotten much better with time - gives me hope for the likes of myself. Right now it feels as though such things will never be second nature. Time and practice, right?

Yet another out of season photo

Out in front of the lab, late Octoberish

Well, I've just finished my first evening working with an actual patient. Kind of amazing, really. I had a very sweet lady in her mid-90's to work with. She was brilliantly patient with me, though I'm not sure she ever really understood why exactly I was there in her room, poking and prodding her. Well, there really wasn't any poking or prodding - it was just taking vital signs - but still. She was a real trouper. It was... hmm. Touching another human being, one who trusts you to help them, to do no harm? It's pretty wonderful. It was an honor to be able to hold her arm, to touch her skin, to listen to her chest, to watch as she showed me the scar from where her new pacemaker was placed. I don't mean to sound all fuzzy about the experience - it's a small thing, really, and people in the health professions do this and much more every hour of every day. It's just pretty awe-inspiring to be entering into this profession, that's all.

I guess I don't have much else to say. It was a decent night. There were issues (brachial pulses are still hard for me to find.... I couldn't get the machine to register a temperature.... etc.), but that's ok. It's all a part of the learning process, right?

Bed baths next week.

Until the morrow, ta.

Another autumn photo in February

I have come perilously close to discussing The Bad Thing here on the blog, but I really cannot. I wish I could, but the 'can't' part pretty much precludes discussion. And so, moving on.

The above is a tree shot, obviously - the red is Virginia creeper (Parthenocissus quinquefolia) as seen below. The picture was taken on the driveway up to the orchard.

Moving on. I've been trying to come up with some kind of theme that would force me to write. However, that's altogether too artificial for me, so I really don't want to do that. God forbid I end up being the blogger who only posts the results of online quizzes about themselves on their site. Eee.

And so, what to do? Keep on as I've been doing, I suppose.

On that note, I'm in the exciting midst of trying to isolate Schizophyllum from apple fruit. This is actually pretty interesting - it hasn't been done before, so that's a nifty little hurdle to try to clear. I have some promising cultures growing right now - I'll have to see in a week or so if they are possibilities for inoculating apple wood.

In other news.... hmm. My knee still hurts, but I'm working on making it better - exercise, physical therapy, etc. Meh. Clearly, I don't have much to say. Trying to say stuff is better than saying nothing, though, at least at the moment. I'll try again tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be going to the nursing home in the evening for class... that alone should generate thoughts that exist in places other than my head.

Until later, ta.

Yet another out-of-sequence photo

Celastrus orbiculata (alien species - it's the vine with the yellow & orange seeds) Parthenocissus quinquefolia (native species - red leaves, blue berries)

So. Hi there! And again... I haven't much to say. Not much of a blog when you repeat that over and over again, is it? I do want to write, and I will... it's just that I don't have the capacity to say much right now, though I wish I did.

I just found out that I am funded at my job through October 24th of this year, a week shy of what I'd been told a month or so ago. Funding beyond that date looks unlikely at best. I knew this was coming, but it's still a sobering thought. Given my time constrictions with school, a "regular" job is going to be hard to find. Especially a regular job that might pay what I'm making now. My present salary isn't terrific, but it's enough to get us by; anything less will make things hard. I am trying to learn not to borrow worry from the future - I've quite enough in the here and now - but it's difficult not to sometimes. I suppose all I can do is work to the best of my ability now and keep an eye out for possibilities. My boss actually told me that if something better comes along, I should take it. The chances of something better coming along are slim to none, so that's not really an option, but it does tell me how serious he is about my funding being at an end. Ah, well. I'm beginning to understand that life is really all about one stress after another - a person should make the best of chances at happiness and joy when they come along, however they come along and in whatever guise. And so.

I don't really have any other news. I studied all weekend, and I'm getting a passion for it - I think I put in about 10 hours yesterday. Otherwise, not much of note happened over the weekend.

Could this be any more boring? Unlikely. And so, with that, I will sign off. At some point, I might actually have something to talk about. Right now, my thoughts are chasing themselves around in my head and have no desire to see the light of day. Best to leave them to their pursuits until they're ready to come out.

Until later, ta.

Edited to add: Roxanne - my profile photo is of a Cinereous Vulture (Aegypius monachus). I visited the Bronx Zoo last summer and absolutely fell in love with this bird. It was a bittersweet thing, though - such a gorgeous animal, almost as tall as my waist, with a magnificent wingspan... and it was confined to a cage where it couldn't fly at all. I chose it for my profile photo because it's beautiful and strong and melancholy and strange and rare, all at the same time. Thanks for asking!

Clearly unrelated photo

Apricot tree with painted trunk

So, hello there. Per usual, I had a lot to say last night as I wasn't falling asleep, but it's since been lost in the flurry of snow shovelling, catching up on work, and the requisite hours I set aside for worrying. Which leaves me not much of import to say right now aside from saying - isn't that a pretty bunch of green in the above photo? Let's hear it for the green!

Ahem. I haven't mentioned it here, but there are moments when my usual grey cynicaldepressedfog is pierced by some pretty fabulous rays of ridiculous upbeatism. I think sometimes that that's the only reason I'm alive. Coating the sinister core of my pessimist heart is a thick layer of happiness. Lately I've been feeling that more often than not. Which is actually a bit strange, given my unsaid circumstances. I haven't figured out why, but I'm sure it's in part due to people like Shannon and Tavia, and M. In addition, maybe it's because I'm being more honest with myself.

Let's see, what else? The above tree is up in the orchard behind where I'm sitting right now. The paint is on the trunk to prevent borer damage, among other things. (non-segue) I made two loaves of bread yesterday - they turned out delightfully. I made a basic white bread recipe and I threw in some leftover pesto. The resulting bread was aesthetically pleasing and also tasty.

Lastly: a question for anyone who reads - I am becoming happier for a number of reasons. However, I am at any moment likely to have my legs taken out from under me emotionally, very much akin to swiping the feet out from under someone with a big stick. The plunges I take result in all kinds of foolish thoughts. What do I do with these? Jumping into the frozen Hudson River, while tempting at times, is not the way to go.

(cue cheery music, because, no, I won't be doing fatally stupid things anytime soon. More likely, I'll be regretting talking about such a sensitive topic with such a ham-hand. Ham-mouth, whatever.)

Not much to say...

...other than to confirm that I am really loving nursing school right now. I decided to stop being one of those schlubs at the back of the room who never says anything. I'm still at the back of the room, but I'm speaking up now, and it feels good. I'm finally really excited about what I'm doing, though the amount of stuff we're supposed to be learning and mastering is a bit daunting. Still, I'm upbeat about my chosen career path, and I absolutely adore the instructor I have for my Monday night class. She's bright and quick and funny, and a very strong, outspoken advocate for the nursing profession. Let's see... what else? There isn't much happening at the moment. The Bad Thing about which details I can't discuss is still ongoing. At the moment, I've settled into a sort of uneasy holding pattern with regard to it; most of the time I'm able to feel positive about myself, which is a good thing. I think, on the whole, I'm becoming a healthier person mentally, emotionally, and physically. Gotta work on the spirituality aspect, though. It's all a work in progress, right? I'm actually feeling cautiously optimistic, which is highly unusual for me. (waiting for other shoe - or a storm of them - to drop...) With that, then, I'm off. Until later, ta!

Staying in character here

Crossbow! Pretty dress!

So, hi. I'm still feeling pretty quiet, though my head is stuffed full of thoughts and ideas and other assorted mayhem. There's a male red-bellied woodpecker snorking down seed in my office window feeder, and I'm drinking a cup of cold coffee. The sky is bright blue with some slender clouds in it. Life is pretty ok. It's a fragile thing, this life.

My big weekend plans are to study study study, and then probably sigh about the unfairness of it all, and then study some more. I'll clean the house, make some food to last into next week, and maybe get a chance to read a little. I also want to make a list of things I want to do. I keep putting that off. One thing I have meant to do forever now is to get better at winter identification of trees and shrubs. I have a key, I just need to get at it. I also want to start planning my garden for the summer. On top of all of this, I think I'm also going to come up with the cure for depression. What do you think about that? T'would be nice indeed if it was just that easy.

I will leave you with a quote from one of my journals from Sri Lanka. Shannon has already seen it, but I have to share it because it makes me laugh so, especially given my complete ennui with regard to the situation:

"6/27/95, 6:50 am. Well...some exorcist is coming today, and he's staying for the full day. Oh, GOODY. Just when I thought I'd be able to work all day... oh, I know what you're thinking, "What a rich cultural experience!" Folks, every DAY here could be called a "rich cultural experience." I don't need loudly chanting weird men haunting the house all day long, interrupting my work, to enrich my life. My life is quite rich enough, thank you very much. I haven't figured out yet why he's coming - from what I've gathered, it seems there's a devil in the house causing Nalika to be sick. I'm not entirely sure, though."

Good weekends to you all! I will be continuing with the 150 things (140?) on Monday.

Ta.

Wherein my dorkiness is revealed, or - WWBD?

What would Buffy do?

Yes, that's right - I'm a big fan of the series. Huge, even. Thankfully, I don't write fanfic or draw horrific pastels of my heroes from the show... I just really enjoy the sharp writing, the kick-ass female characters, and the pretty, pretty people.

I've been feeling very low for the past few days. My thoughts have gone places they haven't visited in awhile, wherein self-harm was starting to seem like a fine idea. Those are escapist thoughts, though, and won't do anything but hurt me and the grand human beings who for whatever reason love me. I have felt angry too, helplessly so. Enraged would be a more appropriate term. I've been all over the map of negative emotions, each one darker than the last - and it's just this sort of emotional chaos that leads to bad decisions and unhealthy behavior. And that's not the place I want to be. Standing in the shower this morning, trying to think my way out of this mental bedlam, it occurred to me - what would Buffy do? She would probably make mistakes, but she would move forward, and she would kick ass. At the risk of sounding like a 14 year old fangurrl, I think I'll take her example. The character was written to be strong, funny, vulnerable, action-oriented, adaptable, quick-witted - and human. I could learn from worse heroes.

I'm not discussing the details of why I'm in the midst of such a morass because it just wouldn't be prudent. In the grander scheme of things, it doesn't even really matter. What's important is that I learn from my mistakes, grow stronger and wiser, and keep trying to do my best. When I fall down (or, for that matter, get kicked across the room into a wall), I just need to get back up again. And that's what I'm doing now. After all, that's what Buffy would do.

Quiet.

That's how I'm feeling right now. I'm struggling with some pretty bad feelings presently, stuff that I don't really want to say out loud because it's just negative. I also don't really want Kelly's mom's post to remain at the top of the page, so I'm writing. My chamomile is already growing - tiny, delicate sprouts of spring green; the basil isn't far behind. The oregano is taking its time, but it's starting to push out of its seed coats too. There's something so heartening about new growth - I hope my little plantlets survive. I had a Cooper's Hawk (image via Google: http://thebirdguide.com/digiscoping/photos/IMG_1728_Coopers_Hawk.jpg) appear in front of my office window feeder yesterday afternoon. He/she dropped straight to the ground out front; I got to the window in time to see the beautiful creature soaring away about three feet off the ground. I couldn't tell if his/her hunt was successful. The little birds stayed away for a short time, but have been back in droves since then. I think my favorite visitor is a male red-bellied woodpecker (http://www.newsday.com/media/photo/2003-06/8041912.jpg) - he calls when he's eating, which is pretty darn cute. Unlike many people, I also really enjoy the blue jays. I know they're loud and bold, but they're so pretty to look at. I feel like sequestering myself behind a locked door in a darkened room right now. My heart hurts, and so does my head. I feel hopeless. I know these feelings will pass. I just have to keep believing that. Until later, I hope all of you out there are well. Ta for now.

Not sure what to say.

I'm doing ok myself, not particularly great, just ok.... but I got some truly awful news last night that I haven't really processed yet. One of my best friends, Kelly, called me late last week and left a message on my machine. Her voice sounded funny, so I knew something wasn't right; I didn't get a chance to call her back till last night. It turns out that her mom committed suicide last week. What do you say to that? I just don't know. She lives in California, so I cannot go out and be with her, which is what I dearly wish I could do. I met Kelly in the Peace Corps. We were placed together at a site on the midwestern coast of Sri Lanka; the tales we could tell from our five-ish months there would fill volumes. Our time together came to an end because our placement there got very bad in terms of wierdness and our general safety, but for the remaining time as volunteers, we visited at least once a month. She was and is like a sister to me. I hate that she is so far away. Unlike my friendship with Shannon, which has been pretty much conflict-free for (good Lord) almost thirty years, we really are like sisters, complete with the fights and the drama and the making up again. We haven't fought since Sri Lanka, but she just feels like family and that's part of the reason! We are alike in so many ways - emotional, soft-hearted, animal and nature-loving, too easily hurt, sometimes poor-decision-making (especially with regard to opposite sex relationships), and we both struggle with clinical depression. Her dad died less than two years ago, too young, of liver cancer. Kelly and her sister cared for him at home until the end. Last year, she went through a difficult divorce and is now a single mom of two young children. And now this. It seems like too much for one person to bear. She sounded ok on the phone last night - tired and sad, but also solid and thoughtful. She's doing the right thing - taking her medication, and already looking to do grief counseling with a therapist. She has a one year old and a seven year old - they're great kids, lovely personalities... so she has much good in her life too, and she knows it. My heart goes out to her. I love her so much. She is strong. I know she'll get through this. I just wish she didn't have to. Suicide seems to raise more questions and leave more holes than the person who chose it seems to realize. It ultimately seems like an incredibly selfish act, and in some ways I believe it is. I've stood very close to the edge myself, but I came away from it. As down as I've been over the past months and years, I haven't seriously considered it an option since that one dark time. The idea has crossed my mind, but never for more than a passing moment. I dearly wish Kelly's mom had waited for that moment to pass.

How about some fluff?

Heck yeah! I'm wearing myself out with all the introspection - due though it is - and seriousness. I'll be having voluminous quantities of both for some time to come, so allow me to be fluffy for a moment. I was perusing Fug today (http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/), when I came across two actresses I would look like if I could. You know, that ridiculous fantasy. Sadly, they were both included in the fug category rather than the well-done, but still. I was reminded of that game some people play when they say who they would look like if they could. So, without further ado, here it goes: Who I've been told I look like over the years: Daryl Hannah - to this one I say - it was the hair. And the long face. And perhaps the furrowed brow, when she furrows - then her face resembles both mine and my mother's. Also? She dresses like a ragamuffin much of the time, at least as seen by the papparazzi. So do I, just sans the papparazzi bit. Linda Hamilton - to this one I say - I'm not sure. However, if I could have her body from T2? I would. Who I'd like to look like: Cate Blanchett Patricia Arquette And yes, I've noticed the "ett/e" bit. Apparently, I'm French at heart. Except... not really, and that's probably not linguistically correct anyhow. Shannon? That concludes today's fantasy event, who would you like to look like if you could even though that's a pretty silly premise. Anyone who wants to say who they would look like is hereby granted permission to put it in the comments. Otherwise... moving on. /end fluff.

Number 103 (or... not.)

Unrelated photo: Casey, mom & dad's dog. Such a pretty girl!

Well, here goes... and I have to pause to say that this is a good way to jump start myself out of my horrid mood... Number 103 reads: "....................... " Huh. As of this moment, I have discovered that numbers 101 - 110 are missing! Horrors! Well, then. I suppose I'll have to come up with an extra ten things myself. Just not right now. If anyone has any suggestions (all three of you who read here), feel free to leave them in the comments. Meanwhile, I need a new number. That number shall be...41. Number 41 reads: "Watch the clouds go by." Check! If I had my camera here, I would go take a picture. As a corollary, I'm going to go outside for a short walk.

Pushing through the ugh.

Not having a particularly good day today. I'm feeling tired and overwhelmed, and I'm almost starting to feel a little sorry for myself - which is never a good thing. Most especially since the reason I'm feeling piteous is my own fault. Few things are more pathetic than feeling sorry for oneself when one has done something wrong and deserves the difficult situation she's in. And so - I'm pushing through it. A variety of things are exacerbating my present state - I'm crampy, I miss my Bird and feel as though I haven't had a chance to mourn her, and my weekend is jam-packed with unavoidable social obligations. Even when I'm flying high, social obligations are difficult for me. When I'm feeling like I want nothing more than to crawl into a cave and shut the door behind me? They're nigh on impossible. Also, I have a test next Tuesday, for which I have little time to prepare. Whinge, complain, hand-wring - I know. I know! Boring, boring, boring. Moving on. I planted my tiny garden this morning - three peat moss plugs of chamomile, three of oregano, and four of basil. I hope they grow! I also hope that mold doesn't take over their happy home. Given that I work in a veritable sea of mold, the possibility exists that it may gain a foothold (or, more accurately, a mycelia-hold, hardy har har). I think I'll take the remaining seeds home and plant them there. I'm especially excited about the chamomile - such sprightly little flowers! Such pretty, feathery foliage! On to my 150 things: I haven't had the chance to read a book yet, but I will tonight, and since the herb garden is planted, it's time for the next installment. I'm going to go next door and ask another coworker to pick a number.