To tide (anyone who still reads) over...

I give you two photos Shannon sent me from her wedding that totally cracked me up. First of all, can you say "red, red face"? It's kind of akin to "Red, Red Wine," (UB40) which also goes a long way in explaining the hideous brilliance of my face. Also - nice hair, Anne.

Anne and Shan, best friends forever.

Greg bites Anne on the cheek; Anne grins.

Both of these photos made me laugh and laugh - what a great night that was! For the record, Greg is in a longterm relationship, as am I - this photo is completely platonic, though wonderfully goofy. Thank you again to Shannon and Barrett for having such a terrific wedding - I really haven't had that much fun since, or well before. Raise a glass to my best friend and her lovely husband! My parents are visiting for a brief day and a half, so I'll be off tomorrow. I'm very excited to see them, but wincing a little in advance because I worry about the tension between my dad and M. Like me, my mom can pretty much tolerate and roll with most anything (sometimes a good trait, often not so much)... but the two males? Nope. Anyhow, before I go off on a tangent, ta. Best weekends to all of you.

Baby fruit

Peaches, yet to be hand-thinned

Plums Peach

They're kinda pretty, aren't they, these young fruit? So much work goes into growing these guys and keeping them healthy - it's absolutely remarkable. Hat tip and a low bow to all the farmers out there.

I don't have a lot to say. I do have a new job as a quasi-vet tech. I'm not licensed in this state, but I have about a bajillion hours of experience, and I was the head technician at a busy practice for 3 or 4 years when I lived in NH. I spent the day at a local hospital here, and the doctor who owns the practice liked me, so I'm hired. Part time for now, of course; hopefully I would be able to get more hours once my job at the lab is over. It was a typical day in vet medicine - 8 and a half hours of work, ten minutes of which was used to sit for a moment and snork down lunch. Four euthanasias (sigh), one very angry cat (no, not the least bit of fun), 3 animals who are probably no longer with us at this point (very ill), and lots of other critters who are generally fine. I fell right back into it without a glitch. There are a few new things, and there is some material I'd like to review, but all in all, it went very well.

Well... must get going. I will write more tomorrow or the next day. Best to you all.

Ta.

Future insects. And my arm.

The first three shots are insect eggs of some variety - I have no idea what species they are. Our entomologist is out at the moment, so I've got each leaf in a separate jar; I'd like to see what they are. Presently, we're rating apple trees for summer fungal disease (against their fungicide regimens); I came across these eggies as I was rating. They may or may not survive; we shall find out soon! I used to do this sort of thing all the time - build terrariums out of pickle jars. I would catch bugs or hatch them, just to see what they were all about. I actually have some good stories with reference to that - ask me sometime about Fred the Luna moth and my passle of preying mantis babies!

The last shot is a study in contrasts - my arm held up next to my leg. Eleven days later and the contrast is even more striking.

Well, that's all I really have right now. I'm still thinking hard about the things I said a few entries back.

More soon.

Ta.

Heeelllp meeeee.......

Hi there. I am swimming around - drowning, more like - in a sea of data. Three years worth of soil sampling analyses in the undertaking. My boss decided yesterday that he wants a whole bunch of data to be recalculated in a way different from the way I've been doing it for THREE YEARS. Argh, to say the least. On top of having to recalculate approximately forty bajillion numbers, I also have to jimmy around with a bunch of other equations. In my world, jimmying around with equations is a form of torture. Extreme torture. I'm feeling the need to run away from here, far far away. Alas, no can do. Moving on. I'm in a slightly better mood today. I grudgingly went out in the canoe last night with M. I was grudging because I really just wanted to collapse on the bed with a book. Also, M. and I have been a little (ok, a lot ) distant lately - in part because I'm at the end of my rope with regard to his need to dictate my life, in part because he is struggling quite a bit with his own issues - so I didn't really want to go out in a boat with him for a few hours. As usually happens when I spend time outside, though, it was a good thing. We saw several Baltimore orioles (gorgeous!), a few blue herons, carp, small and large-mouth bass, sunfish (difficult to say what species - we got to see a bunch of their nests, which is always cool - they look like this: http://fishsvr.com/images/pics/nests2_091706.JPG), belted kingfishers, a beaver (who slapped his or her tail on the water soundly), a muskrat, a crayfish, a gigantic snapping turtle, a green frog (Rana clamitans), and the usual suspects - mockingbirds, robins, wood thrushes (heard, not seen), grackles, loads and loads of tree swallows, and lots of water bugs. It was very nice to get out there. I just wish things were better between me and M. Well, I don't have much to say, and I'm kind of under the gun at the moment with regard to this data. Boring entry, I know. I'm too tired and too busy to give you anything more than a list of species! On that note - get outside whenever you have a spare moment. It's wonderful out there. Until later, ta.

Having a tantrumy moment.

I thought I'd had this mood under control, kind of, but I received a package from England today, along with a flimsy, familiar airmail envelope with the receipt in it. It's for work, for an air sampling machine we have that needs a new charger. At any rate, the envelope reminded me of being overseas, living there, doing things differently. As hard as it was, I have to say I've rarely felt more alive. Only in hiking or paddling or running have I had the same feeling. Freedom, and also adversity - such vividness of being. My boss is upset with me at the moment for reasons that are only partially my fault. I am hurt by this, and also angry. In addition, I am fed up with my life being dictated by my significant other. I'm sick of it. In these few sentences, I condemn both gainful employment and longterm relationships - and in some ways, hell fucking yeah. I want to get back out there, be alive, do things, experience the world, and maybe - MAYBE - make some small difference. The best way to get there is to continue on my path - if I'm a nurse, I can go anywhere. I'm not saying it's the key to the kingdom, but I can go overseas. I can make a small difference. I don't have to stay trapped, feel trapped. It is so very, very hard to wait, and life just keeps on going by. I feel like I'm going to explode. I am so tired of restraints and expectations and disappointing people. Those three things alone sap the life out of me. Add to that the sea of ignorance and apathy we all swim in these days, and it sometimes seems intolerable. Friday, on my way home, I saw a cat laying on the road, half in the grass, half on the pavement. It looked odd even from 55 mph. I turned around, of course. He had been hit - of course. And no one had bothered to stop - of course. I had a sheet in my trunk - I took it out to catch him with it. He hissed and dragged himself away on his front legs, panting with pain and from the heat. He was a long-haired kitty, grey and white, with startling green eyes. I blocked his way back into the road, and he dragged his thin little body over to the base of a tree. I caught him in the sheet and picked him up as gently as I could. I set him on the passenger seat, turned off the radio, and turned up the air conditioning. As I drove toward the nearest veterinary clinic, he got his head out from under the sheet and laid there panting, staring right into my eyes when I looked at him, and hissing at me if I touched him. Eventually, he stopped hissing and allowed me to stroke his side, but still he panted. His lower jaw was split open down the center; there were lacerations and abrasions all over his body - and obviously, he had a broken back or pelvis. Still he looked right into my eyes. It killed a part of me to see that. The first clinic didn't have a vet there at that time, so I called ahead to the next clinic, the one where I take my cat. They took me in. Long story short, I had him euthanized. His pelvis was broken, and he was feral. If he didn't die from his injuries, the recovery period would have been long and arduous - and as at least a semi-wild cat, it would have been next to impossible. I have questioned myself again and again - did I do the right thing? It was a terrible thing to have to do. I just hope that I made his last hour more comfortable - safer, and in the hands of people who cared. I managed not to cry, other than tearing up a bit, which was good. As it turns out, I think I'll be working some Saturdays at that clinic this summer. I'm glad for that. M. argued with me about what I would have done had the cat been clearly a pet - I might have tried to save it. He was, as usual, concerned about money. Not that I'm not, but there are some things that need to be done; some things that I have to do. This is all to say - I am sick of being told what I should do, what I should think, when I should do things, how I should do them. Sick, sick, sick. I am tired of being a shadow of who I can be. I am sick of seeing cutting and alcohol as escapes. No, I'm not using those things right now, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about them. Like I said - exploding head. I have to get back to work. Best. Ta. ------------------- Edited to add: I just read over this and realized how familiar it must sound if you've read here for a long time (one or two of you)... that's because about a year ago I picked up another hit-by-car cat on the side of the road and did the same thing - took it to the one clinic (no vet, not there yet because that time was early in the morning), then to the same next one, who took the body for me. In that situation, the cat died in my back seat before I got him help; he was crying, yowling, the whole ride, and I was sobbing by the time I got to the doctor's office. Sometimes seems like things repeat themselves time and again. Not sure if that means anything. I don't need to say it again, but I will - please, please get your animals spayed or neutered. An addendum to that - please, if you can help it at all, DO NOT have outdoor cats! I feel very strongly about that. It leads to nothing good in almost every situation.

Nothing to see here.

Except these things, of course.

I continue to be in an antisocial funk. I'm sorry. I really am. I miss people when I'm being this way. I'm not sure I really understand why I become such a spiny, hands-offish little island of a person sometimes. I hate the phrase "it's not you... it's me," but it's so true in this case. Maybe it's because all of you who I love or who I think I would love are too far away. There are no kindred spirits within less than half a day's driving distance - none that I've met, anyhow.

And so... off I go into the weekend. Depressingly, I have to take some work with me. I'm not very excited about that fact, and I am already anticipating M.'s lack of enthusiasm for work brought home. Meh.

There are, though, cute cat feet in the world. And cardinals and clover and blue skies and baby cherries. Orb spiders and wild daisies and majestic oaks and cold creeks. There are good things, and I'd do best to remember these.

Best weekends to you.

Ta.

In lieu of anything really interesting...

I present to you two of my bookshelves. Yep. There they are! The one on top also has my collection of beloved knick-knacks. I'm not one to buy myself such things, ever - they were all given to me. The photos you see are my dad (blue frame) with a small snapshot of his dad in the corner of it; Shannon (and maybe Barrett?) at a party, and my parents and brother when he was in the Marines. I know you can't really see any of them very well, but I thought I'd list them nonetheless. I used to have far more books than this; I have pared down to old favorites and I try to go to the library instead of buying. I have three other bookshelves other than these; they mostly contain my textbooks and various field and hiking guides as well as cookbooks. One of the first things I do when I'm visiting someone is to look at their choice in books - they say a lot about a person. There isn't much more in life that I love as much as I love books and reading; these things are central to my life and I daresay my happiness.

So. Apologies for the long silence. I haven't felt like talking. I have similarly fallen behind in my email communication and in my commenting habits. I guess I'm in kind of a silent space right now - I haven't been talking on the phone either. I don't really have much to say. Work is going along just fine, but I really need to get my resume out there for something after my funding runs out here. It's going to be particularly challenging to find a good job given my constraints - I have to be able to get to class by 5 on Tuesdays and by 4:30 on Wednesdays, so the job has to be both flexible and geographically near the school. There really isn't anything that pays more than slightly over minimum wage that fits the bill. For the millionth time, I must say I am so very fortunate to have the job that I do right now. I really wish it would continue until I'm done with nursing school. Ah, well. If nothing else, I may end up being a veterinary assistant or receptionist again. I took my cat to the vet over the weekend and the doctor expressed interest in hiring me; he also said since he has two techs who are licensed in NY, he doesn't mind that I'm not and would let me do things that I know how to do instead of relegating me to kennel duty. I'm sure there would be kennel duty too, but that wouldn't be my exclusive province. We shall see. The big advantage of that job would be that it is within walking distance of my house.

As to the ongoing depression.... meh. It still clings like a wet blanket. Nothing has really changed. Of course, I'm not on any meds at this point, and my exercise schedule - while not nonexistent - hasn't been strenuous enough to ward off the blues. The new therapist is an unknown quantity as yet - it's always hard to tell at first. She seems nice enough. I will reserve judgement for now.

Did I say I didn't feel like talking? I really don't, but I suppose I wanted to catch you up if you read here. Today's work: pruning root suckers and scrubbing down one of the large walk-in coolers where we store apples. Neither of these things fills me with happy anticipation.... but they must be done... and so I'm off.

Ta for now.

Good weekends to you all!

Here are some mediocre photos of stuff that has caught my eye while I'm out in the orchard - the quality of these shots do not reflect adequately how pretty these "weeds" really are. A side note: I am creeped out right now because I just pried a tick off of my neck. Shudder. Anyway - flowers -

Red clover Genus Ranunculus (buttercup, not sure which species)

orchard grass (yes, that's really the name - I'm too lazy to find the Latin right now)

A row in the North 40

Genus Equisetum

Daisy fleabane

Blue-eyed grass

I may stick the Latin names in on Monday; right now I don't have time, and I don't remember them off the top of my head. I do remember a dorky amount of critters by their Latin names, but not all, by a long shot.

Shiver. I am now imagining myself crawling with ticks. I need to get home and shower and do a thorough inspection, especially since this region is Lyme disease central. What's really REALLY creepy is how they don't just brush off - those hideous flat bodies and all those clingy legs keep them right on your skin even before they bite in. UGH.

Alrighty, then. I did see a few cool things in the orchard today - several bluebirds, a six-foot long black snake, and a green heron. I saw the heron flying, heard it calling, and watched it land in a bare tree - very cool. I spent my entire day outside - how incredibly lucky am I? Aside from the tick, of course.

There's an mini concert going on down the hall. One of my coworkers (he works with grapes) has his own vineyard at home, and makes his own wine. Many Fridays he brings in a few bottles for people to try, and this week a visiting vineyard owner is here with his own wine - and also his banjo. Another coworker used to play fiddle in a band. I can hear banjo and fiddle from here, and some singing as well. I'll have to stop in and say hello before I leave.

Well, I wish you all a lovely weekend. I'm feeling alright right now, which is solely due to the time I spent outside today. I should pitch a tent and just live out there forever!

Until Monday, ta.

Very, very short

My baby.

I am feeling sad and cynical and rather stark right now. I'm writing to say something that any of you few who read here already know - be kind. Be kind, in whatever circumstance you find yourself in. That's how I try to live most of the time, but I find myself being mean at times... and meanness never pays off, never. I'm thinking about this because I've been reading people who write about their damaged children, or about their damaged relationships. Everyone has something in their life that causes them pain. It seems to me that the best way to respond to anyone is with kindness. I'm preaching to the choir, I'm guessing, much like the whole "spay and neuter your pets!" post.. but I feel like I need to say it anyway.

Ta, until later.

A meme.

Just because I feel like it. I got it from Pea - http://littlepeapod.blogspot.com/. A - Attached or Single?: Attached. B - Best Friend?: Shannon, of http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/. Which is probably obvious by now. C - Cake or Pie?: Neither - not a sweets fan. D - Drink of Choice?: Water. E - Essential Items?: It seems as though I'm being a bit of a copycat... because one of my essential items is chapstick, more or less the same thing as Pea's lip balm. I'm sorry. It's true, though. Also - my camera and my watch. F - Favorite Color?: Faded blue-jean blue. Light blues and periwinkles follow. I despise turquoise. I don't trust people who drive turquoise cars. G - Gummie Bears or Worms?: Ick - neither! H - Hometown?: Columbus, Ohio I - Indulgence?: Pickles. And video rentals. J - January or February?: January - that's when my best friend and my brother were born. Also, it's unabashedly winter. I keep hoping for mild weather in Feb, and I'm always disappointed. K - Kids?: No kids now, and probably never. L - Life is incomplete without?: Water and oxygen. Also - trees, animals, rivers, ponds, lakes and oceans..... pizza, pickles, and hot sauce. And books, for sure. M - Most favorite bird?: (I changed this letter of the meme) - I have many. Right now? The mockingbird. N - Number of Siblings?: one brother - younger. O - Oranges or Apples?: Oranges, though I suppose I should say apples given that I work with apple trees almost every day. Still, though - oranges. P - Phobias/Fears?: I used to have three mainstay irrational fears - fear of accidentally sucking my eyeball out with the vacuum cleaner hose (my dad told me once that it was possible, and forever after the idea plagued me), accidentally sticking my fingers through a baby's fontanelles (no, not much baby experience here. clearly.), and getting murdered in an empty public restroom late at night. Esoteric fears, no? Now, I suppose I fear real things - being unable to find a job, having insufficient retirement funds, dying alone. Q - Favorite Quote?: "Just passing through." R - Reason to smile?: My cat. S - Seasons?: Spring and fall - and I can never decide which one I like better. T - Tags?: Anyone who wants to be tagged. U - Unknown Fact About Me?: I have scars on my ankles. V - Vegetarian or oppressor of animals?: Vegetarian for 20 years now. W - Worst Habit?: I have rather a lot of them. Probably procrastination is among the worst. X - X-rays or ultrasounds?: I've had both. Y - Your favorite food?: Pizza and salad. Z - Zodiac?: Pisces. And though I'm not a believer in such things, I'm awfully Pisces-like a lot of the time. ------------------------------ The end. Ta for now.

Blue Monday

This is where I'd rather be - curled up in my reading spot with a good book.

So, hi there. The above photo is in the guest bedroom where some of my "artwork" has accumulated - the wolf lamp (which I adore), the Sri Lankan evil-eye-warding-off mask (truly), and the Lincoln Zoo poster I've had since high school. I've never actually been there, but I've always loved the poster, so there it is. There are a few other things of mine on the other walls too. This is where I would like to spend most of my time when I'm home, so long as I have a decent book to read.

I'm in a blue mood at the moment, and it's pouring rain so there's no escaping to the orchard for some cleansing outdoor physical labor. I do actually have labor to do - involving more apple boxes, which just thrills me to no end - but it's more the annoying gruntwork type of work. And it's incredibly sticky out - a mere five minutes of work has me drenched and icky. Ah, well. The present blueness is the same old thing... the usual depression that has clung to me like a giant, sucking leech my whole life. Meh. I've been feeling really down lately about how I've squandered my potential in life - I was given so much, and I've used so little. It's disheartening, and I have no one to blame but myself. And again I say - meh. Which makes for such titillating reading.

In other news, I did finally get an appointment with a counselor for this Thursday. I had to cancel my annual gynecology appointment to fit it in, but that's really just fine with me. I'm not a big fan of the stirrups or the associated poking and prodding - shudder. I rescheduled that marvelous appointment for the fall. At any rate, maybe this therapist will be able to help me out - and maybe I'll actually be ready to help myself too. I did try counseling a few years ago, but I ended up being an idiot - I pretended I was doing better than I actually was and sort of talked myself out of the whole reason for doing talk therapy to begin with. I have this desperate, panting need to please people - it's really quite absurd. I remind myself of a golden retriever sometimes, falling all over myself to please the whole world, hoping to lick its face and maybe fetch its newspaper. Then there's the flip side, wherein I collapse into a black hole and disappear from people's lives (physically and/or metaphorically) with no word or reason as to why I've done so. I think that behavior probably has to do with exhaustion from the overwhelming need to please. What would be really nice is if I could just even out. I don't seem to have a middle gear - it's either full-throttle or full-stop with me. It's obnoxious. I have a long list of people I have let down and disappointed with this behavior. The guilt I feel as a result is profound.

Blather.

Anyway.... enough meandering. I'd best get to today's ongoing task of scrubbing and hosing down one of our walk-in coolers, after which I will be moving (grumblegrumble) stacks and stacks of apple boxes into it for storage until fall.

Until later, ta.

p.s. I'm not really a fan of Maxine, Hallmark's crabby female card character, but she's made me smile over the years a few times. I saw this quote on a Maxine notepad the other day that made me think, though. It's nothing that hasn't been said a million times by a million different authors (God included, in the good book), but I have to give credit where credit is due. The quote is thus: "In a hundred years, this won't matter. It barely matters now." I'm keeping that at the fore of my brain because it's not a bad thing to have there.

Over and out.

Happy weekends to you!

Before I go, though... a bunch of random images from the orchard.....

Multiflora rose, up close

Multiflora rose from a few feet back. These guys tend to take over and are not particularly well liked. They're pretty, though. This one is in a hedgerow between orchard blocks.

Schmuck from cedar-apple rust. I suppose the more scientific term would be spore debris or something like that. Lovely, no? See below photos for source of orange goo.

Warning sign in the orchard, seemingly more apropos with the disjointed head and hand.

Cedar apple rust, swollen telia. If I'd gotten to my camera earlier, these would've looked cooler (i.e. more like jelly-tentacles), but I didn't so they're a bit dried out at the tips.

Another shot of cedar apple rust telia

Brand-spankin' new vineyard! I don't work with the vines, so I don't really know what's going on with them. There are 30 or 40 varietals planted, and they won't fruit in a meaningful way for about three years. (oh, and - they're in the tubes somewhere, hence the look of a field of blue sleeves)

Boot on Gator, looking down peach row. Note: Gators are fun.

Angry mockingbird parent, there in the background.

Another shot of the angry parent, who spent much of his or her day chrring at me in a decidedly angry tone as I (presumably) worked near the nest (which I never found).

Alrighty, then. So, there's that. I feel much better now, having worked outside all day. I shouldn't get myself so worked up. Whatever happens, happens, and all I can do is keep trying to walk the right path.

I got quite a gigantic amount of amusement out of a pair of mockingbirds (one of the pair seen above) because I was working near their nest, hence eliciting all kinds of fabulous close-range flight displays and near-constant worried calling. So much fuss, so many angry buzzing noises from the harried bird-parents! I couldn't help but to laugh. They were my sidekicks for much of my work today. I did nothing that threatened their nest; I suppose working in its vicinity was crime enough for the avian hoopla.

Well... I suppose that's it. Another day past. I have twigs and leaves in my hair, I'm sweaty and sunburned... and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wish you all a wonderful weekend.

Until Monday, ta.

This makes me SO MAD.

I am trying to find a counselor/therapist to talk through some stuff. First of all, I don't have access to a list of providers - I have to call the insurance company and talk to a complete stranger to get a list. This means, of course, that my account is flagged for "mental health and/or substance abuse counseling requested." This is something that I deem the most private of private medical scenarios - sensitive stuff. It's hard enough to seek help - when you have to go through an automated menu and end up with a stranger asking you if you are homocidal, suicidal, or abusing substances (and meanwhile, your call is being monitored or recorded), it's almost impossible. First of all, who is going to say, "Why yes! I think I might go on a reign of terror through my town, then kill myself, and oh by the way excuse me while I chug this tequila shot and shoot up!" Who is going to say that? And no, just for the record, I'm not considering any of those things. Second, the person on the other end of the line gives me a random list of providers - when I ask what specialties they might practice, either I am forced to tell this perfect stranger what it is I want to talk about (no thank you), or I just roll the dice. It's a shitty way to get mental health care. It's difficult enough to come to a point wherein you decide to try to help yourself - the barriers that are put in your path are simply too much. I am steaming mad. Also - let's say you do have a substance abuse problem, something I have in fact wrestled with now and again (alcohol, not drugs, and it's not a problem right now)... what is my motivation for telling someone I've never met, over the phone, during a potentially recorded conversation, something that my insurance company will forever hold against me? And something that future employers could ostensibly find out? There is no motivation for me to help myself in this instance - none. It's called "Alcoholics ANONYMOUS" for a reason - if you're trying to seek help, the last thing you need is a faceless fucking bureaucracy learning about something like that. Man, am I angry. I know our healthcare system sucks - this is just one of the myriad ways. Alrighty, then. Thank you for listening. More later. ______________________ Edited to add: Apologies for the foul language. I was pretty pissed off when I wrote this. I've been cooling down (mentally, anyhow - it's hot and humid outside, ick) up in the orchard, being entertained by a pair of mockingbirds. Oh, and pruning root suckers on apple trees. I managed to track down a counselor, I think. The receptionist at the practice said she could match me up with one of their counselors if I gave her a few details about what it is that's troubling me. I didn't mind doing that with her - I just don't need to be sharing those details with my insurance company or the state of NY. Man, do I hate big government and other assorted bureaucracies. At any rate, they're supposed to call me back sometime today or tomorrow. More later. Ta.