I don't know the technical name for this thing, but it keeps the guide wire over the trees tight. I know how to use it, but I don't know what to call it. The shape of it is nifty, though.

More winter flowers - love the shapes.

Yet another sky shot. It's so hard to resist, what with the light and color and shifting shapes. It's just so lovely!

Another repeat - the grape vine. Really, it's difficult not to take scads of pictures of these tendrils - every single one is beautiful and differently twisted and unique. So pretty.

I don't have as much time to write as I thought I would. Basically, things are ok, though I was the woman of a thousand thumbs last night in clinical. The patient was never in danger, but I'm sure he was convinced that I had somehow hatched directly from an egg, skipped through to the point of being a nursing student, and appeared at his bedside. It was not a good night.

Anyhow... yeah. I have therapy again tonight, but (and this is a bit of a problem with me) I don't really feel like I need it right now. I'm going along doing fine at this moment, and I know I will sit there and blow smoke the entire time I'm sitting across from this therapist. Then, when the last five minutes roll around, I will say something striking, and then we will be all out of time, and then next time we meet, I will have forgotten what I wanted to say. Can't cancel now, though. Too late. I will try to get something out of it. At any rate, that's all... I'm off now. I'll check back in tomorrow. Ta.

Brief check-in, complete with lame-o pics

Turkey feathers

Burning bush seeds on a gloomy winter day

It's a really grey, chilly, rainy day here in the valley - not a lot to take pictures of and not much time to do it in anyway. Hence the rather drab photos. Ah, well - it's something, and it got me outside for a few minutes!

Just wanted to let you know I'm still alive. Things are going ok. I've been really busy, so I haven't had spare time to post even a meager update. I don't have much time at the moment either - I just wanted to let you know I'm fine. That's pretty much it! Yawn. I should have a little time to write either tomorrow or Friday - so until then, be well. I demand it! Ta for now.

Today's photos - today!

Persimmon calyx

Witch hazel calyces. Speaking of this little tree-let - the Latin name is fun to say: Hamamelis virginiana. Which brings me to my favorite plant family name of all time (to say) - Hamamelidaceae. There's no need to remind me that I am a big nerd.

Hickory nut on snow. Unremarkable, but I like the interior architecture of the nut.

It just looks cold. And it is.

Winter flowers, part one. Not sure of the species - probably an aster of some kind.

Winter flowers, part two. I think they're so pretty - delicate.

Not much to add at the moment. I'll check in tomorrow.

Yesterday's photos...today!

Ahem. Yes, I know. Yet more Phragmites. These are a different set than I usually photograph. Really, they are! I just can't resist the cottony tops and the way they move in the wind!

Crows heading to roost. Thousands of these guys gather near the river every night - I see them on my way to class. It's a truly spectacular sight. This smallish group was headed southeast over the lab; they're about 4 miles (as the crow flies, hardy har har) from where they'll rest for the night.

Some sort of shelf fungi....phylum Basidiomycota. I'm not good enough to guess at the genus or species! Gotta get on that....

Deer and turkey trail in the woods.

Turkey track extravaganza!

Dainty hoofprint.

Another blurry shot that I'm posting anyway because I like it. Looks like a little green heart! (Lamium purpureum - purple deadnettle)

This sign makes me laugh - not because it's inherently humorous, but because I am an official Authorized Personnel. Who would ever have thought such a thing?! Not me. Also - I like the skull.

Good morning. I am feeling slightly better today, which is nice. Not much time to write right now - just wanted to get these rather non-fabulous photos up! I will check in later today, possibly. Until then... ta.

Go outside.

That should be my mantra. I feel so much better when I get out there, so much better. I belong out there. I love the plants and animals and fungi and rocks and water and sky dearly, and being with them heals me. I stood in the middle of a frozen woods this afternoon, on a steep slope, laid my cheek on the bark of a lovely little tree and leaned there, just looking at the world around me. Relaxed, peaceful, free.

I have been so absurd for so many years. A broken record of repetitive behaviors that either harm or hinder me. Oh, I make noises like I want to change - looking back over the pages of this blog, I've made them many a time, and these pages are nothing to the years of paper journals filled with the same angsty crap. But do I? Do I ever truly throw myself into actual change? Not really. I'm afraid. I've been afraid for a long time, mostly just of stupid things, like rocking the boat or going outside my comfort zone or that stupid thing called "fear of failure." Fear of starting something is what it should be called. My fears this time are more tangible. I fear the loss of a relationship, of course, and of trying to find a way to get through that. I also fear, though, how things would end if they do with M. He is a hard person. That makes me afraid in a more solid way. I have so much work to do to leave this place I am in, whether metaphorically or in actuality - or a combination of both. I am ready for it, I think, really ready for it this time. I sincerely apologize to everyone who has had to listen to me time and again. I feel like such a fool for stumbling through life as I have. By the same token, I am happy for other things about myself, so my life hasn't been a complete and utter loss. Yes, I know I am being scattershot.

Anyhow, there is no new news right now. Life goes on. I love my family and my friends, and I hope they know that. That's really what matters the most.

I took some photos today - nothing very good, but still - I have become used to sharing something of my world with you before I open my mouth. I don't have time today. I will share tomorrow. Meanwhile - ta. Best to you all, and love.

Hello.

Maybe it seems odd that I am still posting photos despite the apparent chaos in my life. To this I say, yes, maybe. However, it does me good to get outside and see the things that hearten me. And so I do. That means something in my little world; my answer to pain in the past has been rather destructive. That's a habit I am trying not to repeat. More words after the pics.

Just thought this looked cool - no other reason for it.

Common evening primrose, winter version

I know I keep doing the twigs against the sky bit, but it's hard to resist. I haven't quite figured out how to capture how lovely this can be, hence endless photographs that all look the same. In this case, I love the up-curving nature of these little branches.

Alder cones, part one

Alder cones part two, with a backdrop of catkins

Alder catkins. Love the color!

So. My life. I do not have anything new to report right now. We both went to bed - and soundly to sleep - at 7:45 last night. We haven't discussed anything of any seriousness, really. I told him a bit about my therapy appointment - which went well - and I emphasized that I really think medication will help me and therefore us. I didn't push, though. I have become angry about what happened Monday night, but I am trying to understand him, and I am trying not to lash out. I honestly do not know what is left of us. I want to be hopeful. I don't know if I can be, or should be. It's difficult to say very much right now without going off on a jag that will do neither of us justice, so I'll just be quiet for now. I love him, I think he loves me. We've hurt each other an awful lot, though. I don't know. I just do not know what happens next. I can just try to do the next right thing.

That's all for now. I apologize for the abrupt swerve into my personal problems. As I said, I may delete these posts at some point; for now, I will leave them as they are. Again, thank you for listening. Good weekends to you all. Until Monday, ta.

Greetings.

**************

No photo comments today. I went out in search of beauty - it hides itself pretty well on gloomy days in January in the northeast. The above is what showed itself to me today. I'm tired, and I am sad. Nothing has changed. I am interested in school; hopefully my life will remain stable enough for me to get through it. At this moment, I am drained. I would like nothing more than to run away from it all - find a random, anonymous hotel room, and curl up and sleep and watch bad television and not speak to a soul for a few days. That won't be happening, though... I guess the next best thing is to go to my therapy appointment now. Best to you all, and thank you again for listening.

Update.

Hello, my friends. Thank you once again for being there, all of you. Maybe this sounds silly, but without your support - here and via email - along with my coworkers and some of my classmates, I wouldn't make it through this. I call you my friends - and I really mean that. I couldn't be more fortunate in terms of a strong support system.

I didn't go to class last night - not a good thing, especially given that the dean of the school of nursing is teaching this class. Not really the way I wanted to be introduced to her, via an email telling her I wouldn't be there. I went home and crawled into bed, and drifted in and out as I listened to NPR there in the dark, my kitty by my side of course. A few hours later, M. came in the house - he hadn't realized I didn't go to class. He came into the room and said he had written a list of things he wanted to talk about. I won't go into detail, other than to say he admits his own culpability in the whole matter of our serious relationship problems, that he doesn't like the way he is behaving and doesn't want to keep living this way, and that he is at this point in time completely paranoid about what I might be doing behind his back. We talked a little - he more than I. Nothing was resolved, other than the fact that he won't be serving me with divorce papers imminently. That doesn't mean divorce isn't in the future, perhaps sooner than later; it just means that I won't be getting papers served to me this week. I feel a little stronger now - I generally do with a little distance and time for thinking - AND with a lot of help from my friends. I don't know how we can solve our problems; I don't know if we will stay together or not. I am exhausted, living the way we have been. He is too.

It came to light last night that my being away at school three nights/week for the past year - and at least one or two nights per week for the past few years - has worn away M.'s ability to trust that I won't cheat on him. This is his big issue - he has no trust. I represent his third long-term relationship. The previous two women (well, the first was a girl, a high school girlfriend) both cheated on him. Another thing that is beginning to be clearer and clearer is that M.'s relationship with his ex (who he was with for twelve years) was also marked by suspicion and nastiness on his part due to his lack of trust. When I step back from my own myopic view of the situation (wherein everything is my fault), I can see that his lack of trust affects every single aspect of his life. He is suspicious of everyone - his boss, his mother, his sister, the guy who cut him off in traffic, the banker, the deli counter person - everyone is out to take from him, everyone has his worst interests in mind. I am not exaggerating - he has actually said these very words to the letter. Certainly I haven't been perfect, not at all, but my problems honestly have very little to do with his. Let me rephrase that. My problems are his now, as his have become mine, but our individual issues were preexisting, and they were never addressed by each of us individually before we got together and ended up in this tangled, painful mess.

Anyhow... my priorities need to be these: finish school and take care of my own health, especially my emotional/mental health. I must take care of my future, which means finishing the RN. I must seek outside help in the form of talk therapy and probably medication in order to be well enough to either work through my marital issues - or handle a divorce. Right now, I don't know how things will go. I don't feel particularly optimistic; obviously he doesn't either. I still see a glimmer of hope, in that he is finally starting to admit that everything is not my fault. I have been a similar breakup, a fairly amicable one at that, and I still think about my ex every single day. I still have regrets, I still miss him and his family. I know how much such a split hurts. That's why I keep trying and trying with M. Divorce is one of the hardest life events there is, and its destructiveness echoes down through a person's life probably forever afterward. That being said, if he does not also seek help with his problems, if he cannot be a partner with me in trying to repair whatever it is that we have left... I don't think we can stay together. I hate this. I hate it. Life is hard. I don't suppose it's supposed to be any other way.

In some ways, I feel bad about being so public about my private life. Maybe I will take this post down at some point; I don't know right now. I feel as though I owe an explanation to you who read here, who for some reason seem to care about me. You are, after all, a very real component of my support system. At any rate, that's all for now. I have to go to clinical tonight, something I'm not really looking forward to in my present frame of mind, but that's life. That's just the way it is. I'll keep you posted. Again, thank you all.

UPDATED TO ADD: I shouldn't have to say this, but upon rereading, maybe I should: I have not cheated on my husband. I have no interest in having any other romantic relationships - when I say if things don't work out with M., that's it, no more, I wash my hands of such things, I honest to God mean it. I would absolutely not cheat on M. I haven't, and I won't. Enough.

Taking a break.

Things are very bad in my world right now. M. left me last night. We fought, and he packed his bag and left. He says he will serve me with divorce papers this week. I am so hurt I can barely breathe. I will check in when I can.

Random photos, and so on.

Bittersweet

Snow on twigs - again with the theme of branches against the sky, it seems.

Not a particularly good photo, but I like the textures and shapes. I'll play with them another time.

Daisy fleabane, past expiration date

Hello.

Thank you guys for your support. I always feel vaguely like a wine commercial when I say that - was it Bartles and Jaymes who said it first? How annoying. Anyway, thank you for listening. When you're being abjectly honest, it's sometimes difficult to know how you're going to be received, especially when you're talking about touchy things like cutting or drinking or overeating. Or even overexercising. Thank you. I am so thankful to have you guys, more than I can express.

Sitting and thinking, now. More on the morrow. First day of class tonight. Till then, ta.

Hi there.

Look - grass and wire! Kinda pretty, in a way.

I have things I need to say. I'm starting to get all stuffed up in my head, though. I don't like that I always say that I'm going to write and then I don't. Much has to do with my schedule - often, I really have no time to write. Other times, though, I don't write because I am having a hard time deciding what I need to say, and how to say it.

Lately, I've been getting more and more depressed. This isn't a new thing for me, but I am getting really tired of it fucking up my life as it does. I broke a test tube last week while I was cleaning scads of them, and the first thing I wanted to do? I wanted to take the broken glass and slash my arm open with it. That's really not an easy thing to put out there, into the internets. I pretty much always want to make everyone happy, and to think of me as a fluffy bunny. Something like that. A fluffy bunny with brains! Yay, smart bunny! Unfortunately, that's not the truth. Having a desire to cut yourself with glass isn't really a wonderfully normal or bunny-like thing to do. This is how I know I made the right decision to go and talk to someone about my mental state before I actually do take the glass to my arm. Or drink a case of vodka. Or eat my way through anything I can get my hands on. These things have been my tools. Before my friggin knees gave out on me, I also routinely punished myself with exercise. Things being as they are, I would much rather have the exercise. The rest of it is destructive. The exercise can be too, but given my 'drothers? Give me exercise.

I'm sounding negative right now, but I don't mean to. I'm being honest. I am nice, I am good, I am friendly and smart and thoughtful and occasionally pretty. I have a decent sense of humor, and I am a good friend to the handful of people who will have me. I am doing all kinds of things right now to improve myself. I am also sometimes suicidal, self-destructive, angry, self-centered, and horribly depressed. These are all true things, the good and the bad. I've been struggling lately, but I am on the mend.

I am working my way back to some kind of settled. I am working out again. I am starting school next week, so whether I like it or not, I will be studying again (intellectual engagement is good, even if I'm kicking and screaming about it!). I am seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist in the next few weeks. I am eating well, mostly, and I am trying to be as much myself as I can to the people I love and to the world in general. The pictures that I take are a boon - I have always seen beauty whereever I go, but actually capturing it at times is a pretty neat thing. The very idea that there is so much beauty in the world - my kind of beauty, which generally has to do with plants and animals and nature and such - snags my soul. It makes me NOT want to do something as stupid as cutting myself with a broken test tube. So, yeah. If you've gotten this far? Thank you for listening.

ta, until next week.

More photos. Of course!

(click on the photos for better detail)

Again with the Phragmites

Lichen

If it's not obvious yet...I am in love with trees. Love. Have been ever since I can remember. Their architecture in the winter is gorgeous.

Love the shiny color against the grey!

Foxtail grass and lathehouse roof. I like this shot.

This is my favorite shot today - I love how the vine seems to continue the pattern of the wire. Pretty nifty.

I said I was going to talk a little about what's in my head today, didn't I? And now here I am, feeling reticent. My life feels fragile right now. Life is always fragile, of course, but we don't usually think much about it. Most of us don't, anyway. I am revelling in the one resolution I made, before the new year even came around - I want to see (and if possible photograph) the beauty all around me. I am constantly mired in reading/hearing about/talking about the horrors in life - murder and betrayal and mayhem, senseless pain, bad news. It is spiritually wearying to stay in that place, to listen to the din and the meanness and the anger. I wish I could just stick my head in the sand, but that wouldn't be a responsible thing to do. Instead, I will try to see and occasionally capture the beauty I live with every day. Nothing spectacular, but still, in its way, another reason to keep breathing. A good palate cleanser for all of the other stuff. I really will write more tomorrow. Until then, ta.

Yep. Silence = more pictures

thorns and sumac fruit (a little blurry, but I couldn't resist the colors)

Wintertime Queen Anne's Lace

Grapevine

Hello there! First of all - thank you to Mariposa ( http://mariposatells.blogspot.com/) for her compliments regarding these pictures I take. I am pleased that they are appreciated; I am far from being any sort of photographer, so it's nice for someone to think the pictures I take are alright.

I have stuff to say, and I should have some time to say it tomorrow. My head is full of the pinging noises of random thoughts, so it's probably best that I gather them before I make too much of a scattershot entry. I guess that's it for now. Until the morrow, then.

Happy New Year

I am a big dork, just like my mom. Oh, and happy new year! (sez Shelby)

So, hi there. I haven't made the time to post yet because I'm presently consumed with a bit of personal turmoil. I will probably get into parts of it, and leave other parts of it private; I'm just not quite ready to write about any of it yet. Change is in the air - it has to be, otherwise I'm not going to survive. Yes, the depression again, and also yes with some ongoing and increasingly bad relationship issues. Not all his fault, not all my fault, but definitely nothing much in the way of good. And so - more on this topic perhaps tomorrow.

I did not go to Ohio over my break; as seems to be par for the course of my life, I got sick as soon as I had a little down-time. Echoes of college and grad school. I always got sick on the breaks. I guess the body just knows when it can afford to crash. I'm very disappointed - there is very little I would have liked better in this world than to hug my mom, my dad, my brother, and my sister-in-law. I really needed it, actually, so it sucks that I wasn't able to go. I'm on the mend now, with a residual cough and red nose. School (dread rises in my heart) starts in a mere week and a half. This vacation wasn't nearly long enough to cover the exhaustion I felt. I wanted to go into this semester with a better attitude, but right now I honestly don't have it. I hope I can improve my outlook in the next ten days or so; right now, though, the thought of being at school or in clinicals until 11 pm three days a week is enough to make me sink into a deep blue funk. Given that I am presently already residing in deep-blue-funkville, that's not very much fun. Anyhow... yeah. Moving on.

I have no current pictures to share because I need new batteries for my camera. I hope to buy some tomorrow. I have some pretty interesting shots, including some of a massacre that occurred on the front lawn of the lab. Some creature or another got a turkey - all that's left are feathers and wings and a shiny breastbone, all frozen into the snow. Pretty macabre, but also kinda interesting.

My apologies for being a dullard. I'm emotionally rather spent, so I don't have much spark for writing. I wanted to check in, though. I have a laundry list of things I want to accomplish this year, some kinda-sorta resolutions, and of course the superhero plans to share. This pesky emotional crap waylaid me a bit, but eventually I'll have some stuff to talk about. Meanwhile, though, I hope you all had good holidays, and again - happy, happy new year! I wish the very best for all of you. *smooch*

Ta for now.

UPDATE: (January 4th) Had a long, good discussion with M. last night. Maybe things aren't as bleak as I thought. It's a good start, at any rate. Also - I officially have an appointment to talk about starting antidepressant medication. I have the urge to cancel this appointment on a daily basis - I have a ridiculous aversion to the very medication that could assist in a vast quality of life improvement - but I will not do that. I'll stick with it. Stay tuned!

Another thing - happy, happy birthday to Jeci (http://blueyonbelly.blog.com/)!! I hope it's a good one.

Lastly, I am gone for the weekend. I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment this afternoon, a physical so I can start clinicals in a week and a half, but it turns out I am a SINGLE DAY shy of when I had a physical last year. The insurance company, therefore, will not pay for it. So I get to take more time off Monday afternoon to do this all over again. Whee. I'm just glad the nurse noticed the dates - I never would have. I am presently posting from my beloved tiny local library. So, on that note, good weekends to all! Ta.