Number One (or, rather, number 88!)

Unrelated photo:

autumn apricot leaves

I'm actually going to ask my coworker to pick a number between two and 150 because I just looked, and number one is "read a book." That one I can do anytime, as I devour books much like a labrador retriever consumes anything it can get its canine lips on. Or, much like I devour pickles! Anyhow, yeah - I dedicate my "read a book" to the book "Inkheart," by Cornelia Funke. I just started it last night - it's a children's book my mother sent me to read while I was down from surgery. So many people gave me books for that time period, though, that I'm just starting on this one!

And so.... she picked (drum roll, please) number eighty-eight! Eighty-eight, come on down! The illustrious 88 reads: "Plant an herb garden." Hmm. Well. It's January and I live in the (finally snowy) northeast, so planting one outside isn't really an option. However, I can plant one indoors... so that's what I will do. I have to go out at lunch anyway, so I'll pick myself up some seeds and some dirt and have at it. Anyone with additional assignments for me with regard to planting my indoor herb garden is welcome to suggest away!

I'm off now, to buy my supplies!

---------------------------------

Edited to add - The chosen herbs are: compact sweet basil, chamomile, and oregano. Hooray for mid-winter herb gardening!

Ok, here's the idea

I've printed a list I got online from my favorite message board community. It's a list of 150 things to do instead of (x, y, z) destructive behavior; I haven't fully perused it yet, but it is my intention to do every single thing on the list. If something proves impossible for whatever reason, I vow to do something equivalent to that thing. My current situation requires that I focus on the present. It requires that I focus on trying to be the best student, worker, friend, wife, and Anne that I can be, right now, in this moment. I have an enormous propensity to live most of my life in the past and future - I waste a lot of energy regretting things past and planning for things future, failing to recognize that all I really have is now. And that's not a bad thing - it's just something I need to start living and understanding. A corollary to this is that I take to heart that I am human; while I'm striving to be the best student, worker, friend, wife, and Anne.... I will not be perfect, and that's ok. So I'm also aiming for self-acceptance. Why the 150 things? Because I am a very goal-oriented person. I have told myself that I can rethink the (x,y,z) bad behaviors once the list is done. Upon completion of the list (which could take as long as a year, maybe longer but doubtfully shorter), I will allow myself to reevaluate if I want to continue with the bad behaviors or if my life has been much better without them. I suspect the answer will be the latter... but I have to play these games with myself to goad myself forward. Yes, I'm that big of a dork. I reckon the sort of stuff I'm writing about right now is pretty boring, but it's helpful for me, so there you have it. I hope to figure out (again) how to upload pictures from my camera, so soon there will be pretty pictures once more, so there's that. Overall, I'm trying to remain positive, which is something of a new thing for me, the lifelong depressed cynic. So... the post immediately following will comprise the first thing on the list - here I go!

No disclosure...

...but I really do wish I could talk openly and honestly about what's going on in my life right now. Unfortunately, I really can't; I can only allude and write how I'm feeling, sans details. One thing I (re)learned today is that people are horribly judgmental. I suppose we're all judgmental in one way or another, and sometimes that judgmentalism is understandable and maybe even expected. However, it shouldn't be that way. Here in my utopian world, at any rate. I've been all over the map in terms of my emotions over the past several days - weeping with despair one moment, triumphantly hopeful the next. Probably reality will land me somewhere in the middle. Eventually. I expect this vacillation will go on for awhile, though. I'm trying to keep my thoughts and actions positive - that's really the best I can do right now. Well, off to school with me. More on the morrow.

Hard to say....

...what's going on in my life right now. Or, perhaps more honestly, I don't really want to say. The past several days have been a nightmare much of the time, with a few bright moments of clarity. I don't think it's wise or perhaps even necessary, at least at this juncture, to disclose what's going on - perhaps in time. I'll say right off the bat that it has nothing to do with M., except that he's part of my life of course; this time, the bad stuff is all about me and my behaviors. I've discussed what's happening with Shannon, naturally; her conclusion is that recent events may portend a better, brighter future, despite the current tribulation. And trust me when I say it is tribulation. I've spent the weekend reevaluating who I am, who I really am, and who I want to be. It's funny how different the actual "you" can be from the "you" you've held in your head your whole life. I've been ashamed and humbled. As I think I've said before - and if I haven't I'm saying it now - honest self-evaluation might well be one of the toughest exercises there is in life. I'm talking utterly honest, no self-story-telling self-evaluation, more akin to stripping the layers of one's soul down with a scalpel blade than to the sort involving journaling and gentle discussion. There's nothing gentle about looking at yourself under the harsh wattage of reality, with no loving fictional self-accounts and sans the lenses through which your loved ones see you. And that's where I am. I thought I was ready for this when I started this blog; as it turns out, I wasn't. I am now, though. I know this with my gut. I am scared. I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. I'm terrified that I will turn to old, familiar habits, as damaging as they are - better the hell you know than the great unknown, right? Wrong - I'm not going to slide back down. It's going to take a lot of effort, and I'm not going to be able to do it alone. One of my failures is that I've often been unwilling to seek or accept help when I need it. Several years ago, in a place in some ways darker than where I am now, I did learn to embrace the offer of help. I need to do so again now, today, and in the coming months. And so, another new beginning. Life is full of them, I'm finding. And maybe that's a good thing. Shannon, thank you my dearest dear one for always being there for me.

I'm back!

Ze Shelby Cat

So, it's true. I'm back! I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed right now, so I'm going to do something I've never done before - I'm going to copy an email I wrote (to two of my favorite people!) this afternoon in order to (lazily) sum up a few things, after which I'll give you a brief run-down on the knee surgery. And so:

"I was supposed to be in this morning but for a last minute running around bunch of crappola. I went to pick up my health waiver from the health office at school yesterday, only to discover that - somehow - my varicella titer hadn't been faxed to the office. I cannot go to clinicals next week without said titer in my records. It was too late to contact my doctor, as class was going to start, so I determined to show up at the doctor's office this morning first thing - I have long since discovered that you're much less likely to be ignored in person than on the phone. Anyhow, off to class with me (and one crutch and my new giant knee brace). I got home after 10 last night and found a message on my machine saying that, oh yeah, you also need to get another MMR vaccination. Wha..? The school itself had told me I was fine on the MMR! And so... this morning, I showed up at the doc's office. Yes, the varicella titer had been ordered, along with a few other things - supposedly, all the bloodwork had been bundled together (per my request) at my pre-surgical screening. Apparently, though, the titer was never done. Hence, I had to see a doctor this morning (again) just so he could order another titer. Another $20 copay down the drain. I got my paperwork and headed over to the lab. As I was walking into the lab, I happened to look at the name on the paper. Madison Wood, 2 years old. Huh. Guess I should have noticed that *before* leaving the doctor's office, but oh well. I'd been focused on the fact that it did indeed say "varicella titer." So, back to the doctor's office. And then back to the lab again. The turn-around time on the titer is supposed to be 24 to 48 hours - hopefully well in time for clinicals next Wednesday. Then I went home and called the college - what about the MMR? As it turns out, they made a mistake. Yes, I've had two MMR's - one as a child and one while I was in the Peace Corps. The problem? My first vaccine was given two days before my first birthday. If it had been given on or after my first birthday, things would be hunky dory. As it stands, though, I now have to rush over to the school tomorrow at lunch, gimp up to the health clinic (which is far, far from any convenient parking), get the MMR vaccine, and then come back to work. WHAT A PAIN IN THE @)(*%$#@&!!!! Argh! Nothing is ever smooth, nothing!

Anyhow, yeah. That's my fun story for the day!

I had to have Bird euthanized on Tuesday. It was time, so I'm thankful that there wasn't really any question... but it still really, really sucked. I can't really think too much about it because I'll start crying again. Thankfully, I was able to get ahold of M. and he took the afternoon off to go with me to the vet. We buried her in the back yard.

Otherwise... the knee is recovering nicely. It's still pretty swollen and bruised looking, but I have very good range of motion and a lot less pain. It still hurts and certainly isn't 100%, but both my doctor and my PT say I'm doing great in terms of recovery - better than they'd expected. I've been very very good at doing ALL of my physical therapy exercises at home, plus I was in semi-ok shape before the surgery... and so, decently speedy recovery. It's alarming, though, how quickly I've lost mass in my quadricep muscle in that leg. I can hardly wait till I can get back to lifting weights."

So, that's the that. I'll probably write something about Bird next week; right now, the pain of losing her is too raw.

As to the knee - in brief, the doctor discovered a pretty significant tear in the medial meniscus. He removed the damaged portion and also cleaned out a fair amount of scar tissue and smoothed some ragged edges on my patella and the surrounding cartilage. He also did the lateral release and said the patella is anatomically in a better position now. The worst part of the whole thing - per usual - was the sordid anticipation. I was very nervous as they prepped me, too, but everyone was so nice, calm, and reassuring that it was difficult to remain nervous (although I did my level best!). The surgery was over before I knew it (general anesthesia), and I was home on the couch in short order. I was on two crutches for three days post-surgery, then moved to one (illicitly) at home, for which I was sternly chided by the physical therapist. So I went back to two for a day, and now - with the doctor's permission - I'm back to one crutch and a large, unwieldy knee brace. I should be entirely off the crutch by the weekend, or at least early next week. The brace stays for another two weeks. All in all, the experience was actually pretty good. Everyone at the hospital was great, and it's simply amazing what can be done surgically these days. And the holes in my knee are so tiny! I was given copies of photos from the inside of the knee - very cool indeed, both before and after pictures. The doctor had an extra shot to take, so he took one of my (beautifully intact) anterior cruciate ligament - again, very cool. I feel guilty and foolish for carrying on about such a minor procedure - as a health issue, it's pretty far down the scale of seriousness, and so much less than what so many people suffer. I apologize for behaving like such a baby.

At any rate, it's time to get back to my beloved fungus. I have an interesting specimen that might be some species of Fusarium - it's a lovely pink color. It was isolated from an apple that was beginning to break down, so it's probably just an opportunist. Anyhow, ta for now - and many thanks to all of you for your mulitudinous uplifting comments! I look forward to catching up with all of you.

Hi there.

Here I am at the lab - work - the night before the big surgery. The small surgery. Whatever you want to call it. I'm the one going under the knife and needle, so we'll call it the big surgery. At any rate, here is my old blog, the one I killed because I was being a paranoid nitwit: http://annelp.wordpress.com/ Of the tiny population who reads, these words will come as no revelation. Others may wish to peruse it, though it is only more of the same of what you see here. Which is to say, pretty mundane. I just wanted to put it out there. _______________________________ (line across the notes) I was thinking about a lot of things tonight, especially because my brain is kind of preoccupied with the knee area being cut open tomorrow. Normally, it would be concerned with its eternal preoccupation with itself and all of its emotional difficulties (kicks self in shin). At any rate, said brain's thoughts have drifted to something my boss reported. He told me in my review last year that I am passive-aggressive because I'm late all the time. I think he might be right. I was indignant at the time because - NO! I'm not passive aggressive! That's other people, not me! And also, I'm always late! But why? Why am I late? It occurred to me tonight that it is in fact a passive-aggressive act. By being late, I'm telling you that you don't matter. What I had going on before was much more important, so - hi. I'm late. Not such a nice thing to think about oneself, but a good thing to learn, for sure, especially because the behavior fits, and so does the grey matter behind the actions. It has made me think more clearly about my motivations and behaviors. Ok, I'm done being introspective. Right now, I'm really wishing I was someone else. Or something else. I would be a... hmm. Every creature I think of faces so much risk. I would be a grey wolf, a dolphin, a coral, a tree. I will settle for being me at this moment. I'm stuck with myself, whether I like it or not. Bye.

Someone please...

Pry Dr. Google from my sweaty, trembling hands! Good Lord. I am getting more tense with each passing moment. And tense? That's a terrific understatement. I think my coworkers may knock me out themselves by day's end. (breathe, Anne, breathe) Alrighty, then. Back to work. p.s. Edited to add: Please visit this fantastic woman, who makes me look like a tiny, broken jellyfish, and kind of an ass to boot: http://spinningtumor.blogspot.com/ She is totally and completely awesome.

Feeling very nervous

An attempt at photographing a bird in my office

window feeder, rather unsuccessfully

So. School started last night. It's going to be a long semester. I have class 5 to 7 on Mondays, 5 to 10 on Tuesdays, and 4:30 to 10:30 on Wednesdays. Tuesday and Wednesday are going to feel especially long. I think I would be fine - and I will be - if not for the surgery tomorrow. I have to go over and buy my books & stethoscope & blood pressure cuff today, as I'll be lame for the next few weeks. I need to buy a uniform too, but that will have to wait, perhaps even to be done as an errand on crutches. Whee. I am not allowed to be on crutches once clinicals actually begin (two weeks from today), so here's hoping for a rapid recovery! Physical therapy, here I come. I just have this feeling that there's too much to do and not enough time to do it in today and for the next week or so. I'm stressing myself out.

As I've said, I'm feeling ridiculously nervous. Heart-palpitation-nervous. I have thought about why that is, and I think it's mostly due to fear of having to rely on others, of having to be vulnerable. I'm not accustomed to needing anyone, not really, and now I have to depend on a bunch of strangers to make me well - sans clothing and contact lenses, talk about vulnerability! - and also on M. I trust him to care for me, of course, I guess I just don't like it. I suppose this is a lesson for me - a lesson in trust, and in letting go to some degree. What I'm having done is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Or even on a less grand scale. I'm also a bit afraid of the pain, and of having to tool around on crutches. That latter wouldn't be such a daunting idea except for the fact that it'll make getting to classes more challenging. All in all, I'm probably being rather silly, but there it is. Apparently, I'm rather silly. So be it.

Bird continues to be well - I can hardly believe it. Certainly she's still sick, and her days are limited, but it's been a real blessing to see her make some improvement.

Well, I have a gazillion and a half things to do today, so that's it from me for now. If I don't sign in again later today, I'll be out of here till next week, the 24th. Wish me luck!

Alas, some good news.

Lovely, lovely asters at Farm Kitchen, WA

First and foremost: Bird has had a reprieve. I know it's only temporary, as she's still very sick and there's not much more I can do for her (even per the vet's advice)... but I didn't have her euthanized yesterday. I appreciate your sympathy, those of you who have given me your condolences. She may have days, she may have a week or so - whatever time I get with her, I'm grateful for it. I spent a lot of time with her over the past three days, just holding her and cuddling her. She got lots of healthy snacks and plenty of loving. I would never forgive myself if I let her go too soon. I'm considering the idea of letting her die at home - that really just depends upon how she looks and seems to me. As it stands right now, she's still eating and drinking, gnawing on her cuttle bone and playing with her toys. Not with the gusto she used to have, no, but she's still getting some joy out of life. I'll keep you posted.

Next news item: I have a job for an additional seven months! YAY!!! I can't begin to describe what excellent news this is. I am so pleased. My boss told me this morning that he'll be able to fund me until the end of October; beyond that, it's up to the vagaries of the funding world, which is one of the reasons I'm getting out of science. For now, anyway - I can foresee a future wherein I may be able to do both nursing and science. At any rate, I am beyond thrilled. I was already beginning to miss my coworkers terribly - I honestly love all of them, which is a rare thing to be able to say. It's also pretty exciting to know I'll have a decent income at least until October. That'll leave 14 months of nursing school, which is a much smaller gap than 21 months.

News item the last: I will be keeping my underwear on for Thursday's dreaded knee hacking. It's true, folks - the going practice is that you're completely naked beneath your miserable hospital johnny. To say I was rather horrified to discover this matter would be an underestimation of the fact. I insisted that the intake nurse call my doctor's office, who called the OR, who called the intake nurse back to say that yes, I can keep the undies on. Whew. It's not that anyone cares what's under the johnny - it's just a sense of vulnerability on my part. It's bad enough that I'll be unconscious in the midst of a bunch of strangers - who knew I would turn out to be such a control freak? it's kind of hilarious discovering this about myself - but it would be somehow worse to be skivvy-free under the drape. It's my knee, for crying out loud! What, are they expecting to have to do some sort of emergency urinary catheterization or something? As it turns out, the underwear clause is in place due to the variety of hygiene practices - or lack thereof - that patients might observe. To my mind, if the patient is so unhygienic, you would want that piece of cloth in place. I'm not party to the rule-setting, though. I'm just glad I'm keeping them on. And so... the surgery is a go for Thursday morning. I'm far more nervous than is necessary, which surprises me. I'm generally a very calm person. I still have to decide what form of anesthesia I'm going to get - my choices are spinal block with IV sedation, or general anesthesia. I'm inclined to choose the former, but I'll listen to what the anesthesiologist says. I think.

I got crutch training lessons yesterday too, in addition to all the other stuff (bloodwork, EKG, chest film). I'm afraid to say crutches look like a lot more fun than they actually are. I'm glad I have strong arms. Let's hope my natural lack of grace won't see me tumbling down stairs and breaking my head. That would be bad.

Well, to work with me - at the job I have for 9 more months! More later.

Ta.

I am fond of this photo

Down the rows from the Gator

I love driving this machine. Love it!

Over and out for the next three days. I wish you all safe and happy weekends.

Ta.

Sunny photo for a grey day

Orchard center on a late summer day

(this is where I work)

Not much to say today and lots of work to do, so just a short update: I am having surgery next week on ye olde right knee. The doctor will be using some sort of dremel tool (that's what I'm envisioning, anyway) to smooth the roughened edges of my ragged articular cartilage. While he's in there ravaging my connective tissues, he will see if he needs to do something called a lateral release. This procedure will allow my patella to ride a little higher above said ragged cartilage, reducing the chance for further inflammation. He won't know if he needs to do that or not till he's got my knee open to the world. I will be on crutches for anywhere from 3 days to 3 weeks, depending upon what he does. Happily, an Arctic front has chosen the week of my surgery to blow in, so I look forward to negotiating icy sidewalks and snowbanks on crutches. Personally, I'd rather our apparent global warming continue up through the point of my being ambulatory sans crutches - after that, I'd be fine with winter finally settling in. I don't have much say in weather patterns, though, which is unfortunate.

Moving on.

I'm probably going to be taking my bird in to be euthanized on Monday late afternoon. I probably won't be in at all that day, as I have presurgical screening that morning and I'm certain I won't be good for much in the hours leading up to the death of my little girl. I really can't write about it right now because it just hurts too much.

Let's see... can I come up with something happy or at least not sad to say? Hmm. I answered the phone yesterday here at work with a cheerful, "(Place of work) knees, can I help you?" Instead of "(Place of work) Lab, can I help you?" The caller was silent in confusion and I quickly corrected myself. I had a difficult time not snorting in his ear with laughter.

Well, that's all I've got right now. I'll sign back in later.

Ta.

Tired.

This is the sort of photo I would take right now if I had my camera and was in Seattle with http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/, otherwise known as Shannon. This is the rug on her entryway floor, and that is Colin's rear end. So, yeah, I'm tired, my reflexes are subpar, I'm coming down with some sore-throaty/sneezy/headachy sort of ailment, I'm exhausted, and I'm presently working myself into a worried lather over my now-scheduled knee surgery (next Thursday). Also, I decided this morning that I have to put my bird to sleep sooner than later. I can't really talk about that right now, though, lest the waterworks begin again. I'm puffy-eyed and addled enough as it is - no need to make things worse. My boss wants a huge amount of data by the end of the day - and rightfully so, I have it but just not gathered neatly into Excel yet - and I am struggling to find the energy to get it all together. Bleh. I'm not feeling whiny or petulant, I'm just tired and sad. And probably really lazy. I should go for a walk - it's briskly chilly outside, and the sky is a lovely blue filled with dramatic purple, grey-black, and brilliantly white clouds. Getting outside always gives me a little shot in the arm. Probably healthier than yet another cup of coffee. Well... just wanted to check in, me and my lousy mood. Now my mood and I are off to set up data tables. You only wish you could have this much fun. Until later, ta.

I am moved...

...to recommend a blog. Or at least a particular blog entry. This blogger is pretty well-known, I think, so you may already read her. And it's probably not fair to my regular reads that I post this blog ahead of those I read regularly. I'm sorry - Shan will help me one day soon with my link list. Moving on... this entry made me laugh until I cried. I still have tears in my eyes. It could be that my own recent bra-shopping experience sensitized me to the absolute truth and funniness of this entry (Jan. 7th, 2007) - so, thank you Schmutzie, for the laugh. One can never, ever laugh enough! http://schmutzie.blogspot.com/

Grey Monday... and my friend Hugh, just for old time's sake

Hugh Laurie, fictitious doc extraordinaire. Cute, too.

It's raining and chilly this morning, as grey as grey can be. Thankfully, though, my mood doesn't coincide with the damp drizzliness. I had a pretty good workout at the Y, which always helps start my day off on the right foot. My knee is once again resembling a balloon more than an actual functional joint, but I'm doing ok. I have a recheck appointment tomorrow; I'm sure we'll be setting a date for surgery. I'm not too thrilled about the prospect of being cut open and subequently crutching around, but this inflammation must be stopped... and so surgery it shall be. Ah, yes... the riveting details of my life! The weekend was ok. The most exciting part was probably when I bought myself new underwear, socks, and bra on Saturday, which goes to show you just how electrifying my life truly is. Still and all - it's always nice to have new underthings. I got a prescription for Wellbutrin on Friday. I haven't filled it yet, but I will. Well, that's all I've got at the moment. I've got so much work to do today that I'm too distracted to think of anything to write... and so - ta for now.

I'm off to see the wizard!

Or, rather, the doctor. I have to have a physical prior to clinicals. I am going to ask her about getting a prescription for an antidepressant. I have come to a point wherein I am simply not functioning. I'm lost, and I don't have the energy to find myself. I haven't really let on about it here, but depression is definitely sucking me down into a black void. To be more honest, I've pretty much been living in a black void; it's just getting worse now. Add to that some truly awful relationship issues and I just can't see my way clear to getting better on my own. Some part of me feels as though I'm giving up, taking the wimpy way out. The other parts of me, though, know that my life will get worse by degrees until I land back at suicidal again - and I really don't want that. And so it goes - the medication route. Wish me luck. Over and out until Monday. Ta.

Line across the notes

I mentioned this phrase once on my first blog, I think - it was uttered all the time by one of my undergrad biochemistry professors to indicate a shift in the topic. That's what I'm doing here, sort of. My relationship with M. is changing in some fundamental ways, I think, and I feel the need to keep it mostly to myself - out of respect to both of us, really. I've been rather querulous lately and I don't like my tone. While my feelings are legitimate, I'm not happy with the way I've been expressing them. I'm not helpless and I should stop acting that way. I may talk a bit about how things are going, given that the relationship is a central part of my life, but only when it really seems relevant to what I'm trying to say here. As I've said below, this is a year for change. And so: ______________________________________________ Line across the notes. I'll sign back in later. I hope your new year's celebrations were happy and safe!

Perfect.

In some worlds, anyway. I just forced my parents to watch "The Delicious" (as seen in my profile)... and my dad loved it. He understood! So now we know in part where my humor comes from. Of course, my mom can be equally as silly, but she didn't quite get it. That's ok, though, because she still laughed. I want the new year to be like this. Real and funny and irreverent and true. ***************************************** Happy New Year (again), my friends! I wish you a delicious year - lots of laughter, very few tears, and much growth. Best. love, anne