So very tired. Still and all....

...I'm doing fine, in case anyone wants to know. I got a 90 on my first exam at school, and I had a terrific night at the hospital - so much so that I actually caught a glimpse of the possibility that I may one day be a nurse, and perhaps even a decent one. That felt really good. I know very well that I will shake my fist at the skies (and the nursing program), worry about my abilities, and decide that I hate nursing at least five thousand times between now and graduation... so it's been really good to ride a wave of positivity this week. I must tuck this experience away for sustenance during the inevitable bad times. In other news... I love the northeast. I love the autumn flowers dearly - all the different asters and daisies and goldenrod (such a riot of Compositae!). Also, the fruits of various trees - velvety red sumac fruit, hard green golfballs of black walnut, acorns! I love acorns. Apples (of course), milkweed pods (love), and on and on and on. Autumn is lovely, and I fall more in love with northeastern flora and its autumnal riches every single year. I am very much not looking forward to winter, the dormancy of my beloved plants, and the lack of daylight... and the cold - ick. If winter would just deign to last two months, I could handle it. The way things stand, though, it goes on rather longer than that. Meanwhile, though, I shall enjoy the heck out of autumn. No weekend plans other than cleaning house and of course studying. And hopefully sleeping - lots and lots of sleeping. I'm feverishly, horrifically tired. Best weekends to you all. ta. p.s. my knee is still very swollen, and I have some impressive bruises from my fall. I'm doing fine, though. wanted to give the world an update.

I have nothing, really.

I'm running late for class, I am just plain old tired, and I fell and hurt my knee AGAIN with the damned apple boxes. So much fun to fall to your knees with 90 pounds in your arms. Ow. Off to nursing lab with me.

I am stressed. Therefore....

My boyfriend, Mr. Laurie.

Right. Until tomorrow, ta. If I survive until then, of course. If I don't, Shannon will keep you posted, and possibly provide you with Hugh Laurie photos. You just never know.

p.s. I have no idea why he is chewing his sleeve. I'm assuming it's something the photographer would deem sexy or interesting. It isn't really either, but he does look awfully nice anyway. Perhaps the photographer was onto something after all.

Over and out.

****************************

On a completely unrelated note, I must brag. Because most of my life feels as though it is being carried off to hell in a handbasket (with me running alongside desperately trying to grab that basket, tripping and falling over my own stupid feet), there is at least this: I am a very fast apple-picker. No, don't fall to your knees in praise....that's ok. I'm humble. Still, though - today I picked five trees to my coworker's one, and four to my boss's one. Go, me! And, um.. yes. I was dorky enough to time myself. And compete against my own time.

In times of stress, you do what you have to do.

Again, over and out.

Ok, better mood today.

Today is one of the two longest days of my week. I didn't go swimming this morning, though I'm regretting that now... but I was still up at 6. I have an exam tonight, then I have to complete 6 to 8 pages of preclinical work after I get home (around 11:00 pm). It's certainly not an impossible task - it's just a very long day. And again I have been harvesting apples all day, and will continue to do so for the afternoon until I leave for class at 5. It sounds romantic and picturesque, the apple picking, and I suppose it often is, but it's also hard work. The picking buckets, when full, end up weighing 35 to 40 pounds. You're up and down a ladder while you're picking, too, so you're carrying this weight up and down as you do so. The apple boxes themselves weigh 55 to 75 pounds when they're full, and I carry great numbers of these all day long, transporting them to the Gator or a truck, then from the Gator/truck to storage to stack them. This isn't to say I don't like my job, because mostly I do... it's just tiring in addition to being in school, and having bad knees really exacerbates the whole thing. I despise that my knees have failed me so. I was so accustomed to being an athlete - heck, even when I was in bad shape for me, I was in better shape than many. Anyhow, that's enough out of me. Just checking in. Today we harvested a bunch of non-commercial apples (test varieties), and now we're into Cortlands. There are 45 trees left to go. Ta for now, probably until tomorrow or Thursday. I wish you all well.

Working hard...

...at banishing my ill temper. One thing that's working? Talking to myself as I work. Talking in a ridiculous and very bad British accent. Yes, really. Indeed.

Exhausted.

Not a good way to start the week. I don't have much to say - just.... I'm so tired. Spent the whole weekend studying and I'm still not done with my reading. And when I wasn't studying, I was cleaning the house, grocery shopping, or cooking. No rest for the wicked, as they say. I'm not sleeping well between worry about tomorrow night's test, sadness over the passing of my dad's practice partner, and the fact that my knee hurts constantly - and I do mean every single moment of the day. I want to just disappear for awhile, go somewhere quiet and alone, away from everyone and everything... and sleep for three weeks. Instead, I'll go to class tonight until nine, tomorrow night until 10, then I'll stay up late tomorrow night trying to get ready for clinicals the next day, then I'll be at school until almost 11 that day. Meanwhile, I'll spend 8 hours each day climbing ladders and hauling fruit as my knee gets more and more painful and swollen. Yes, this is a pity party. Would you like a party hat? Until sometime later this week, ta.

Over and out...

...for the weekend. Take care and be safe, everyone. Life is a really short proposition. ------------------------- Also: if you believe in prayer, please say a few for my parents and the family of my dad's work partner. He passed away unexpectedly this morning - he was at the practice last night seeing a patient late, no clues that he would die this morning. He was fatherish with regard to me - I've known him since I was 8 or 9, and he always gave me big hugs and called me Annie. I still can't believe it happened. He was one of my dad's best friends, and my dad doesn't make friends easily. He will be missed. Ta.

Well, so much for that idea!

That idea of posting every day, that is. Gone kaput, it has. I simply haven't had the time to sit and write anything. I'm tired - long days, hard fieldwork, bum knee. Not exhausted yet, but I can see it coming on the horizon. At some point this semester, it'll move into my brain, kick back in a recliner chair, and set up housekeeping. I can hardly wait. I had my first post-surgical patient last night. She was a very nice lady. She'd just had some abdominal surgery. She wasn't feeling well; I felt bad making her move around so I could assess her. She was feeling pretty nauseous. It was interesting and exciting to be at the hospital, though, and the nurse I reported to was helpful and had interesting things to teach me when he had a few moments. He was busy, but he was nice. One of the more difficult things I'll have to do this semester is this: I recieve my next day's patient no earlier than 10 at night Tuesday; by Wednesday at 4:30 in the afternoon, I have to have six to 8 pages of paperwork filled out about the patient, the procedure, the diagnosis, etc etc etc. Which would be one thing if I didn't work on Wednesdays... but it's entirely a different animal when I do. And I have no internet access at home, which is more or less essential in completing a lot of the pre-clinical research. Ah, frustration, my old friend! You can hang out with exhaustion when it gets here. Other than that.... the kitty has disappeared. It makes me pretty sad. I keep going out looking for him, calling him. I hope someone else is taking care of him somewhere. There are too many lost and unwanted animals in this world. I hate that people don't spay and neuter, and it's a very big pet peeve of mine (no pun intended) when people decide they're going to breed their animal. In my opinion, you shouldn't be breeding any animal unless you are specifically looking to improve the breed. I think those people are few and far between. There are far too many who think they're going to make a buck, or they want their children to "experience the miracle of birth" (can't tell you how many times I've heard that one... makes me want to say, "How 'bout having them also experience the miracle of death? Here, let's all go down to the local shelter and watch some euthanasias!"), or they think it will be "good" for the pet for whatever reason (the men want their male pets to be able to have sex - which, yeah. I'm not overly shocked, but please - stop projecting. Or they think motherhood would be a good experience for their female pet - again with the projection. STOP IT!). Or they're just too lazy/poor/cheap to get the animal neutered, and the inevitable happens. And then you know who gets to find homes for these creatures (or the ones pushed aside by yet another litter of puppies and kittens), or, more frequently, gets to kill them? The people who love animals so much that they work with animals for a living. It's twisted. ARGH. Alrighty, then. I wasn't really planning for that to come out, but so be it! On that note, please get your pets spayed or neutered (I know I've said this before - it bears saying again). Please adopt from a rescue or a shelter. Please do NOT buy your pet from a pet store, unless that store is displaying pets from a shelter. Please consider getting an older animal instead of a puppy or kitten. Please do not get a pet if you cannot care for it properly - there are places to volunteer where you can get some time with animals if you look hard enough. Pets are a commitment that lasts the whole life of the pet - keep that in mind when you are getting one. In the interest of giving you an idea of a great rescue, check this one out: http://www.ygrr.org/ I was fortunate enough to work with this organization back when I lived in New England - they do a wonderful job for a really wonderful breed. Yes, of course I'm biased... but it gives you an idea of what's out there. There are many, many unsung heroes who care for the unwanted, neglected, and abused animals in this world; most of them are underpaid or work for free. Blessings on them. Time to get back to work. Ta for now.

p.s.

On the way home from class... just wanted to stop in and say that yes, I know so many people have more challenging lives than I do. I know this, and I know how fortunate I am. I need to be more clear about that. When I whine about my issues, problems, whatevers... of course I tend to be myopic about them. However, I am capable of gratitude and awareness of the world around me - I know how lucky I am. How blessed. I just wanted to say it out loud, so to speak. Another thing that I've been thinking about - and maybe I'll flesh this out more later - is my tendency to be a shmuck in terms of my "potential." I put it in quotes because I think that ship pretty much sailed. I still have potential, but it's far more limited at this point in my life than it once was. Anyway... as I was saying, shmuck. I'm always the technician. The nurse (one day). The assistant. And over and over again, I hear that I'm too smart for that role. I hear it from everyone from the ground up - all the way up to veterinarians, doctors, dentists, and PhD's. My usual answer is that I'm an exceptional technician/nurse/assistant, and generally I am. No one's perfect, but I do a good job on the whole, and I tend to have better insight into the why's and how's of whatever science is going on than the average tech/nurse/assistant, in my experience. The sad fact is something I'm still exploring - why haven't I gone higher than I have in life? I've certainly spent enough time in school, over and over again. I take classes where ever I go, and I do well. I'm a good scientist. I think the lack of achievement comes down to a few things: one, I'm not as smart as people seem to think I am (ouch); two, I just don't care enough about any one thing; and three, I pretty much want to be left alone. That last one sounds the oddest, I think. There was a small event in my young life that I've heard stories about ever since that sort of explains what I mean. I'm a believer in the fact that you are distinctly you from the very beginning of life, including all of your strengths and weaknesses - it's actually pretty fascinating to watch this play out in real life, such as it is. Anyhow, when I was around 3 or 4, I was in a hallway that had been painted very recently. My grandfather, my dad's dad, told me not to touch the paint. I did, as kids will do. He reprimanded me sternly. I said, "I don't want to talk about it right now," and I turned away. That's pretty much how I feel - I know when I've done wrong (or right), and I don't want to talk about it. I can almost feel the way I did when I said that - I really just want to be left alone. I use this story as a small tale of a personality. The story isn't particularly striking unless you know my grandpa and me, but to me it has always encapsulated my need to be left alone. And, coming back to my original point - the people who are not left alone are the doctors, whatever breed they may be. The technicians/nurses fade into the background. I still feel that way, the way I did when I touched the paint. (warning: non-segue) I guess that kind of expounds on the idea that I have a hard time loving people who are very close to me. Or, rather, loving them the way they deserve to be loved. Maybe that's also why my close friends are all so far away. I don't know. I push people away a lot, I suppose. I really do love people, and I want friends. On the other hand, I really do want to be left alone, too. Not pathologically, but probably more than most. I want to choose the distance between you and me. It's almost ridiculous for me to be saying this because I am so close to most of my coworkers - and to some of my classmates too. It's hard to explain. Or maybe not, if I think about it a little harder. Meh - contradictions all around! Now I have to go. My apologies for this jumbled entry.

I need to WAKE UP.

I am so tired, and it's only Monday. And I haven't even gone to class yet. I think I need some sort of attitude adjustment. I have four entire semesters left after this one, and this one has only just begun... and already I dread school nights. As I said, attitude adjustment is much needed. I resent going to school, that's the problem. I've been going now for two years - I think I'm just weary of it. The best thing lately is that M. has totally gotten on board with how challenging it has been to work full time and go to school almost-full time AND keep a relationship and a house together. I'm not sure exactly why he had this lightbulb moment, but he has told me at least half a dozen times how much he understands now that it hasn't been easy, and how much he appreciates what I've been doing lo these past few years. This is truly stunning. This is the man who screamed at me a mere six months ago because the coffee wasn't ready in the morning - after I'd gotten home the night before at 11:30 following a full day at work plus 6 hours at the nursing home. I left home that morning in tears, and hating him. Now he's actually making the coffee on nights when I'm home late, and he's been doing laundry and vacuuming too. I can hardly believe the change. I'll believe it's here to stay when it actually does. I am grateful, no doubt about it. My gratitude hasn't quite caught up with my enervation, though. I'll get there. One note about relationships, from my "points to blog about" below: as far as romantic affairs go, I am finished. M. and I are doing better, but it will be awhile before we feel solid. If we never do, and what we have ends - that's it for me. I don't mean to sound jaded, and I realize the wisdom in "never say never," but really - never again. What I want isn't something I have ever really found in another person. That's not to say that it was my partner's fault, or that I'm even close to being a perfect mate (loud guffaw).... it's more that I've tried, and I've mostly failed. And I'm tired of that. I'm also tired of answering to someone else, I'm tired of compromising who I am, I'm tired of disappointing my partner, I'm tired of being disappointed. I would be more than happy with a handful of close friends and a few cats, a dog or two, and maybe a pony. Something along those lines. I am happy for those of you who have found someone you are good with - it's a big deal. It's a wonderful thing. I think maybe I've just been flawed from the get-go, in terms of finding a partner in life. I've found good men, to be sure; some of them I dated, two of them I married. I don't know if any of them were really good for me, though, and the reverse is also true. Maybe my idea of a perfect mate died with the departure of my "first love" to college - though it's rather laughable to call a high school crush love. Maybe I've just never been able to love someone the right way. Or let myself be loved. I don't know the answer to any of this, but I have been thinking about it a lot over the past few years. I give myself much more openly to my mom and dad, though I certainly butt heads with my father, and to my friends, and to any animal or plant that comes along. More openly than I probably ever have to a romantic partner. I'm sure there's something to that. The bloom is off the rose, though, and if M. and I part? I'm going it alone thereafter. I haven't persevered with him for this long, though, to let go without really working at it - that's something I learned from Marc. There are days when I wish I would have worked harder for us. Then there are other days when I think it's best for both of us that we went our separate ways, as sad as it was. I'm thinking out loud here - I know my history isn't all that exciting, and I'm speaking to points that I haven't really discussed here... alas, this is my blog, so I suppose I shall toddle on, thinking out loud. I have been feeling a little bit alone lately. As usual, I am far, far away from Shannon ( http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/) and Tavia and Janice and Kelly (no blogs, just far away). I'm also far away from those kindred spirits I've met here in the ether. For once, it would be so cool if I stumbled upon someone in the blogosphere who was kindred - and also lived within less than a five hour drive. Wah, poor Anne, woe is me. It's the tiredness talking, I suppose. The day has been pretty good, despite my moaning about it earlier to Shannon (and Price)... I really do count most days spent outside as good ones. Well... gotta do some lab work. Maybe this extra entry makes up for the lack of a Friday one. Ta for now.

Oops...

...I missed posting on Friday. I had no time, no time at all. I really don't have much time today either, though I have a smidgen more because it's pouring rain - which puts a damper (hardy har har) on apple harvesting. I have plenty of other stuff to do, especially because my boss is starting to panic about my imminent departure - too much to do in too little time. No real news to report. It seems I compose these wonderful posts (well, interesting posts - wonderful is perhaps a touch overstated) in my head when I'm nowhere near a computer... and then, faced with a blank blogspace, I can think of nothing more than prosaic day to day minutiae. Whee! I haven't seen the kitty since last Wednesday night, which is both upsetting and not. Upsetting because - naturally - I was getting attached to him. Not, because that means I don't have to find somewhere for him to go. On the whole, I wish he'd show up again. Things I've been thinking about posting about, just to get it started: - how much I still miss my ex; how sorry I still am about how things went. - the impact of depression over the course of my life (yeah, that one sounds like fun, eh?) - what I really believe about life, ethically, morally, and spiritually. - my thoughts on having children - or, more to the point, not having them. - what I would do with my life if I had no limitations. - what I think/how I feel about relationships - in general, and mine specifically, including those with M., my dad, my mom, my brother... etc. Part of the reason I haven't gotten to these things is because when I have a moment to write, that's all I have - a moment. A moment isn't long enough to get into the things that are banging around in my head, taking them apart and putting them back together in a way that makes sense. Very often, I think better when I'm writing. Well, that's all I have time for at the moment. Ta for now. Hope your weekends were good ones.

Snippet!

I'm late leaving for home, so... not much time to say anything! Does this count as an entry? Kinda sorta. In the same vein as this one: http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/?p=310 More on the morrow, 'k? Because I know thousands are sitting on the edges of their seats breathlessly awaiting my every word. Except... not so much. Ta for now.

Post-clinical

Hi there. I'm stopped off at work again on the way home from school. I'm beat, and I didn't even have a full clinical shift tonight! Just think how I'll be feeling next week. Yeee (shudders). Tonight we basically just got a tour of the place and a lecture about expectations and so forth. We were there for four and a half hours; normally, I'll be there for six. It was a little intimidating, seeing where I'll be working this semester and probably henceforth, for a time anyway - the hospital. It was also very exciting. I have a hard time imagining myself feeling competent there, belonging there, at this point in the game. One step at a time, I know. I was a terrific vet tech, but I also did that for years and years; it was only after I had some time under my belt that I felt good about even that job. Anyhow, yeah. First night at the hospital. I passed my math exam last night, so that's good. Meanwhile, back in kitty land... I hadn't seen the cat all day today. When I got here, I went outside and called... and 10 minutes later, I'm sitting here at my desk and I hear him meowing at the door. Awww. I sat with him as he ate, and he was a total lovebug after his belly was full - twirling around my knees and feet, rubbing all over me, purring. He's a doll. Still very skittish (no false moves, lady!), but he's coming along. None too soon - I won't be here at this job for much longer, and winter approaches. In some ways, I wish I had never seen this cat... but in other ways, there really isn't any way I wouldn't have. He keeps peering into the lab as if he belongs in here... I wish! My boss has more or less looked the other way with my feeding this fellow - I wouldn't push his good nature by letting the cat inside. Quite a conundrum I've gotten myself into. Sigh. We'll see what happens. Well, I'm going home now. I'm glad kitty-boy's belly is full now. Have I described him yet? I can't remember. He's a grey and white kitty - grey tabby mostly, but with a white belly and chest and chin. He's very cute. Yellow-green eyes, smallish for a male. Still too thin, and still with the bilateral eye infection. He sneezed tonight as well. I wouldn't be shocked if he had some bad viral infection(s)... but I hope not. It's almost certain that he has an upper respiratory infection of one kind or another. I still don't have a name for him, since he turned out to be a he. I'll have to poll my coworkers tomorrow, see what they think. They were kind of hooked on Maxine Bean. Apparently this is going to be all cat and nursing school all the time. Hang in there... eventually there will be more. So far, I've made good on my promise of writing every week day! Go, me! Ta for now.

Bare bones

No time (what else is new?) * math test tonight so I can pass meds at the hospital tomorrow. Ugh. * kitty-boy Bean let me pet him quite a bit today, though he still flinches if I go too fast, and there's really no walking up to him. He is slowly getting more trusting, though, and he's gained some weight; his coat also looks nicer. His lunch today? "White Meat Chicken and Whipped Egg Souffle with Garden Greens." Yes, I'm serious. Hello, marketing to humans! I didn't fall for this trick; I had a handful of free Fancy Feast cans that were included in my cat's Cat Chow. She doesn't eat anything but the Chow, and I figured Bean-kitty could use it. He thought it was exquisite. * good weekend, which included a working day (Saturday, at the vet) - most interesting case was a dog with a snootful of porcupine quills. Less interesting and more horrifying was something the doctor I was working with said. I don't have time to get into it now; hopefully later. Also did a nice kayak trip from Tivoli Bay over to Saugerties, up the Esopus Creek and back again. * not in a terrific mood today; pounding headache, little sleep thanks to my aching knee, too much to do in too little time - and a five hour lecture to boot. I found out this morning that I can't swim breast stroke laps anymore because it just hurts my knee too damned much. So... now it'll be all freestyle all the time, aside from my kickboard laps. Suck. Well, that's it. Boring, per usual. Until the morrow, ta.