Quickie

Hello! I don't have time to say much, other than to assure you I'm alive. I'm also really irritated with my dad, which is not very unusual. Tell me - how would you react to this? Anne: (calls dad because she's signing up for a Women in the Outdoors day, and she thinks she'll sign up for some shooting classes - rifle, shotgun, and/or pistol) Hi Dad! I'm going to sign up for this outdoor day thing... it's mostly to meet other women and I'd really like to take the outdoor first aid and wilderness survival classes. I also thought I'd like to learn how to shoot. Which class would you recommend? Dad: Women and guns are a bad combination. Anne: ...... Dad: In fact, don't take this the wrong way, but a nurse was one of the worst people I've come across in terms of guns. Anne: ....... That's the short story. And no, he isn't kidding. What did I want to say? Oh, a mouthful. I would like to be flip and sarcastic right now, but I'm still too angry with him. I know I shouldn't be, and it's not a good thing that I'm still so affected by something my father would say to me, but I am. Basically, he's saying that I'm an incompetent moron. I'm not even a nurse yet, though I hope to be one day - and he's already denigrating me about the profession. I'm only just beginning to get used to the outright misogyny. It's probably been there all along, I just didn't see it for what it was. It's also getting more blatant in its expression. It really hurts. I love my father dearly. I spent more than half of my life trying desperately to please him. I think I'm probably still trying, and that makes me mad. I'm never good enough. It's beyond absurd at my age to still be caught in this struggle. I can see it, at least, and that's a good thing. I need to let it all go. Just let it go. Anyhow, that's all I have time for now. Angst. Fabulous! I'm having computer issues (blue screen of death), so I don't know how regular I'll be here. I haven't had time to figure it out yet. That's it for now. Ta.

Hey there!

I'm incredibly busy these days, hence the radio silence. I'm doing alright, if a bit pissy at times - and I've apologized for said pissiness to most people who have potentially been on the receiving end. I do owe one more to my coworker, who got an earful this afternoon through no fault of his own - he was merely an innocent bystander to a sudden and colorful meltdown. I'm over it now, at least for the time being. Just a little steam out of the boiling teakettle, I suppose. My entire body hurts. It's not bad, but man, the aches! My return to the gym has coincided with major physical demands at my job, and when I'm at the nursing home of course I end up doing a lot of lifting and shifting of patients. Also, I forgot to put sunscreen on for a few days running, so now I've got the start of a really fabulous farmer's tan. Right now, though, it's more reddish pink than brown, so that adds to the whole feeling of soreness. My patient gave me a kiss tonight! She is SO CUTE. I shouldn't speak of a patient in terms like that without also saying this - I absolutely respect her person and her agency. She is a strong individual, and I care about her very much. I had assisted her into bed, and she was too low - slumped a bit. I moved her up, and so my face was right next to hers - and after she'd been moved, she gave me a kissaroo right on the cheek! What a doll. She's been an absolute dream of a patient. I am very fortunate to know her. I planted 20 mid-size apple trees today all by myself, and helped with about 170 more little ones. As we were planting, the birds were just singing up a storm, and there was much buzzy calling by some mockingbirds who were either flirting or fighting - I couldn't tell. I also met a bluetick coonhound who came jaunting all loose-jointed up to the fence at the back of the orchard. Gorgeous fellow. He bayed at my coworker in that beautiful bell-toned bugle they have. I love it! Spring has truly arrived around here - the beauty all around makes me feel full to bursting with it. The vividness of it amazes me and makes me feel so alive. I try to remind myself always to drink it in. Moments are precious. Well, I'd better be off. I may or may not post before next week - I'm going on a research related trip tomorrow and Friday, but I might be able to squeak something out tomorrow. Ta for now.

Ok, I've talked about male crushes...

...now for my girl crushes! Looking through them, I don't really think I have a female "type" as I do a male one. What do you think?

Patricia Arquette

Lucy Liu

Gina Torres

Ashley Judd

Amber Benson

I had to post something light today - I'm crazy-busy, and I don't have much to say anyway. So here you go!

More later - or tomorrow.

Ta!

Friday!

Finally, a clearing April sky

Friday doesn't really mean much anymore, at least not while school is in session - but still, no work for two days! I plan to spend much of the day at school tomorrow - only two more free lab times before the final assessment. I'm extremely nervous about the skills assessment final - I tend to fumble and jutter and stumble about when someone is watching me closely. It's annoying. I wish there was some way to be tested without being directly observed. Kind of an impossible wish, though, I suppose. I need to get used to it anyhow - not all of my patients will be seniors with dementia... so basically, I'm always going to be observed while I'm doing my work.

So. I don't have much to say. That thing that was bothering me earlier in the week that I circled around and never actually talked about is still bothering me. What a surprise, huh? It never helps to keep it stuffed down inside. Never, never, never. I talked to Shannon about it briefly (http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/ - I'm not sure how to make her name a link, so I keep doing this) and she's game for a discussion, but she's gone for the weekend. And, naturally, I'm not ready to write about it either. Maybe later in the day.

Man, talk about an entry about nothing! I will write more later - perhaps those words will have substance. Or perhaps not. Stay tuned.

Ta.

__________________________

To add, later in the day:

I'm afraid I have nothing to add. I'm preoccupied with That Thing that is bothering me, and at the same time, I'm absolutely loving the appearance of spring here in NY, at last! It's wonderful.

On that terribly dull and meh sort of note, I'll see you Monday.

No camera batteries...

...so no photos today! Too bad, because it's turned into such a pretty day. I have a small list of things I want to photograph, so there will be photos tomorrow. I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats. Well... blah. I'm tired. I've spent the day raking brush in the orchard, pruning black knot out of plum branches (here's a Google-fied link to that lovely species: http://hortparadise.unl.edu/HortNews/images/BlackKnot4.jpg and http://www.nysaes.cornell.edu/pp/pp419/PP419Gallery/Turechek/pages/plum%20black%20knot.htm ), and pruning root suckers out of apple trees. It was great to be outside - it's just that I started the day out tired, and now I'm even more so. Wah, I know. Tiny violins, etcetera. The last thing I want to do is to go to nursing lab tonight. I have to, there really isn't a choice in the matter, but OH how I do not feel like going. Whine, moan, complain. Moving on. I feel that I have to announce that I finally did well on an exam. It's about time. The first two tests were just so badly written. Instructors changed midstream in the semester, so the latest exam was from the latest instructor. It was much clearer and so much better written - and I got a 97. Now that is more like it. I'm not resting on my laurels or celebrating just yet, but it feels good to be vindicated. It was very, very frustrating to be doing so badly when I know that I know my stuff, and I know that I am - if slow - at least capable and conscientious in lab and clinical. I'm hoping this instructor will write the final. The material was actually harder for this exam than for the previous two; the whole difference was in the way the test was written. Kudos to all you teachers and test-writers out there - test-writing is a hard thing to do. I'd never thought about it from that angle until now. Let's see... what else? Well, I'm sore from my triumphant return to the gym, which is good. It really has helped my mental and emotional health, and eventually it'll help my Buddha-like figure out as well. I have a vaseful of daffodils on my desk that light up my moments here - so bright and lovely they are! One of my buddies here at work gave them to me. They're like stems of sunshine. I think daffodils are perhaps my favorite flowers. They're on the list, anyway. I was just recalling today my thrilling encounter with my favorite, most beloved wildflower species - http://www.ct-botanical-society.org/galleries/gentianopsiscrin.html (fringed gentian), so I shouldn't be hasty in my designation of favorite flowers. I spotted it along the Appalachian Trail here in NY. None of the photos I've seen of it really do it justice - it's just a lovely flower. Spring is a good thing. The renewal of life - lacey new green in the woods, vivid brightening of the grasses, the rampant bird song - and frog song!, soft, sweet breezes, flowers... it's very heartening. I might not feel like much, but when I'm out there experiencing these things? I adore life. That's a rare enough thing that maybe should be celebrated! So. That's all for now, this meandering, commonplace entry. More on the morrow. Ta.

Look, a pile of apples!

Apple dump

I wanted to put up something other than a self-involved non-post like the one below. Here are some apples, post-experimentation.

What happened at VT is really unspeakable. I don't have anything eloquent to add to the aftermath. My heart goes out to all the families affected. I can't even imagine.

That's all for now.

Hello.

I am fuzzy and warm and quite sexy.

Hi there. Weekend is done, so here we are at Monday once again. Round and round we go. Saturday and Sunday were spent studying and having various crises of the heart and mind. I won't get into any of it right now because it's too exhausting to write, and likely too fricking annoying to read.

Moving on, then.

Rain. We've got lots of it right now. Yep. So.... (whistles, looks off to the horizon, crickets think of chirping, though they're too tiny right now to do so)

Yeah. I should probably talk about what's on my mind, given that that's the purpose of this blog. I constantly hold back, worrying about who is reading, what they might think, and that I sound like a broken record. Or perhaps a CD with a smudge on it. I'm not sure what the current lingo on that point is. At any rate, I made this blog to be an outlet, but I find myself holding back for fear of what people will think. I know, it's completely ridiculous. I need to get over it.

And I will. Just not right now.

Until later, ta.

Interesting stuff.

Xylaria polymorpha, a.k.a. Dead-man's fingers

Unknown insect ova on apple twigs

I try to take my camera with me everywhere, because you never know when you might find something cool to photograph. When I was up in the orchard pruning root suckers today, I saw these things. The dead man's fingers I'd seen in a book before, but this was my first "real life" sighting. The insect eggs? I don't know what critter they are from. When I described them to our entomologist, he thought maybe they were buffalo treehopper eggs. I took this picture to show him, and now he's baffled. If anyone knows what they are, I'd be happy to hear! They were laid on an abrasion on first year apple wood. What you see is pretty much life-sized - they might be a bit smaller, but not by much. I forgot to bring a ruler up to the orchard.

At any rate, I'm off for the weekend. Best to you all! I hope you find life interesting, and as painless as is possible.

Ta.

I'm fine.

...apricot leg and pink toes for good measure

I have to apologize for my wild mood-swinginess. I'm tired and a bit overwrought and filled to the fingertips and the ends of my hair with end-of-semester stress. Doing battle with depression takes it out of me, too. Throw in poor body image (something that troubles me more than I like to admit), a heckuva lot of work here at work, and a lack of quality alone-time as well and you've got me, cranky and emotional, bordering on snipey and cynical. Indeed. Such a beautiful stew!

Meh, I say.

At any rate, I really am fine. I just wanted to say that. Now I have to go scrub some more moldy apple boxes.

Until later, ta.

Feet.

Blurry, but cute. So say I.

I had to put another post over my frantic post of below. I have a skin as thin as the ice on a May pond right now - everything is bothering me, anything will threaten to break me. I know this about myself. I guess that's probably a good thing. Anyhow, fuzzy paws? They help quite a lot.

Wow. A note on office politics.

I have been absent from most office politics for the last three years (and for most of my life, as long as I could dodge them). I hate politics, and I hate them with a passion that sometimes puts me in a bad place. I just watched an encounter between two coworkers, and it went SO BADLY. As an observer and a friend, I know the personality of one of the persons in the encounter very well. The other one is new, but "supercedes" the other one in terms of rank. However, the one I know has been working here for thirty years, and he does an excellent job. He's a great statistician, a good scientist, and he's extremely hard working. The new guy is smart and ambitious, but he's pushy. The old guy is not inclined to be pushed, and he's a bit of an idiosycratic personality to begin with - the pushiness of the new guy is about as welcome as a turkey drumstick at a vegetarian convention, to make a clumsy comparison. I hate the whole thing, because I hate conflict. The new coworker, if he was less rush-rush, could probably get the old coworker to do what he wants him to do. It takes time. The old coworker could probably be less caustic in his response to the new one, but he has the right to respond. I was not happy to have this whole thing transpire right in front of me. I'm a minor player here, if even that; I don't want to be involved. Given the choice, I wouldn't be. Humans are such a pain in the ass. That is all. More on the morrow.

Pre-sweetness

Bebe blossoms

I should have posted this one before the last post! Ah, well. Let's pretend I did it the right way, shall we? They're still pretty, these buds. I need to bring my camera to work tomorrow because the whole greenhouse is awash in lovely blossoms. The outside weather sucks, so it's very nice to be able to walk into a greenhouse full of lovely, delicate apple flowers.

Apparently, Winter is angry about the warm days we had back in December and January, so it is back in force, killing blooms and new foliage and generally causing a great big dip in the collective mood here in the northeast and elsewhere in the U.S. It's kind of being an asshole. Winter, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.

Moving on. I don't really have much else to say. There's a male red-bellied woodpecker at my window feeder right now. He is gorgeous, and far too big for the feeder. It's funny to watch him hanging there - his tree-clinging feet serve him well in this capacity.

The next three or four weeks will be owned by the nursing program, should I choose to pass the course. I want to pass the course, naturally, so I may be absent a lot, both from here and from your blogs. I know there are only a handful of people affected by this, but I don't want you to take my absence personally. I'll be back in late May, and on and off in-between. The words I read by you guys, those who I read, enliven my life, inspire me, make me laugh, and make me think. I'm so fortunate to know you, whether that is in real life or via these internets.

Well, I have a lot to do. I should get to it.

Ta for now.

Sweet

Apple blossoms in the greenhouse

Since I took this photo, all of the trees in the greenhouse (20 or so) have burst into bloom, so I need to take some more pictures - they're so pretty, and they smell heavenly.

I have no time to write right now - I have a bunch of school stuff to get together for this afternoon's clinicals, and somehow I also have to rake brush out of a large portion of the orchard. Too much to do, too little time. I will write more tomorrow. Just wanted to check in - and to get the celebrity photos off the top of the page.

Until later, ta.

Cheesecake. Or is it beef? But I'm a vegetarian...

What do these four men have in common? (yes, I know there are five photos. I couldn't decide on a Hugh Laurie one, so I chose two. Sue me.) They are the focus of my crush energy. Paul Rudd (at top) is sort of a dark horse - I've always found him cute, but I didn't really think much about it. After having watched "The Forty Year Old Virgin" this weekend, I remembered him. Hugh is my most recent crush; John Cusack and Edward Norton are long timers. It would appear, from scanning these men, that I like pale fellows with dark hair, long faces, and pointy-ish chins. Oh, and thinnish lips! I don't suppose that's very surprising, given my history with the other gender.

I don't spend a lot of time on celebrity crushes, but sometimes it's a fun diversion. It's also interesting to see how alike, in some ways, the crushes are. Apparently, I have a "type."

At any rate, back to work with me. It was a nice distraction getting briefly swoony over these fellows - now I have to get back to digging up trees in the orchard!

Hi there!

Wavelets, Hudson River

I don't have much time to write - this week (and, to be honest, the next four and a half weeks) will be extremely busy and no doubt stress-filled. Work is kicking up by several notches, and the semester ends in that period too. I cannot even bear to think about how much I have to get done between now and then, so I'm taking the whole thing one day at a time (one hour at a time, when necessary!). I started the morning off at the gym at 6 a.m. To some, it might seem counterintuitive to embark on a fresh new workout regime at this moment, but for me? It makes all the sense in the world. As I've said, I have been very depressed lately, to a point that is becoming potentially hazardous. Historically, I do much better when I am exercising hard and regularly, writing things out, pursuing God, and getting enough quality alone time. I need to do all of these things, and I need to do them now, not in five weeks. I feel as though taking the time I need to be healthy mentally, physically, and spiritually will do more to propel me through these tough upcoming days than anything else. I'm sure I'll be more tired for the next two weeks while my body gets accustomed to the new routine, but in my experience that's pretty much all it takes. It's well worth it. I already feel better - my mood this morning is quite buoyant.

At any rate, I just wanted to check in. Thank you, per usual, for your uplifting commentary and good thoughts - they might seem like small things to you, but they make a big difference to me.

Until later, ta.

One more picture

Oak leaf, Black Creek

I couldn't just have that rather bad photo at the top of the page while I'm gone over the weekend. Here we have the castoff of another member of the family Fagaceae; this one's from a red oak, but I'm not sure of the species.

Well, I guess I'm going home now. Happy Easter!

Pre-weekend post

Beech leaf at Black Creek

I took the above shot on the way home the other night. It's not particularly wonderful, but I like it, so there you have it. I like the way the leaf is lit up by the waning sun. Click on it to get a better view - on the whole, it just looks like an out of focus photo, but when you see it up close, you can see the lovely long, sharp beech bud and the geriatric leaf.

Well, I haven't much to say. If I were to open my mouth, literally or figuratively, complaints would come pouring out like water. I don't like hearing myself complain, so I'm just not going to right now.

I guess that's all for now. I'll check back in next week. I wish you all good weekends!

Fuzzy knee

Knee and heel, Felis catus

That's all for now.

Mwah! part two.

I am eight or nine here - can't recall. I do recall, however, that I absolutely adored the shirt I'm wearing. It was a rainbow-colored velour number - tres fashionable for the time, and so soft! So colorful! Yes, I know the shot is in black and white. Oh, well. Also note the gap between my two front teeth, soon to be corrected by braces. Now my teeth are all crooked again, but the gap never returned.

Aside from the gappy teeth and the lack of wrinkles, that's pretty much what I still look like.

Well, work calls. I just wanted to say a big thank you, from the heart.

MWAH!

That is the sound of a huge kiss going out to all of you who responded to my last post. I sorely needed to hear your words. I think I am beginning to realize, though I've been suspecting it for some time now, that I am heading into dangerous territory with regard to my depression. It's not a very fun thing to know about oneself. It seems as though one's self-perception lags behind the reality for quite a long time if one isn't careful. For example, I still think of myself as an outdoorsy athlete whose mental health is just fine. By and large, I am these things, or at least I can be. Right now, though, I'm not fully any of those things. I have slowly been starving myself of all the things that heal me and make me whole - exercise, nature/getting outside, and spirituality. And allowing myself guilt-free alone time. It is truly time that I start taking care of myself again. For real. As a reward (a dubious one, but still...), I give you two photos of me that Shannon (http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/) sent. First, the dorky one (and yes, you are allowed and encouraged to laugh): This lovely shot was taken against a background of school lockers, eleventh grade, on "Nerd Day." I'm sure my mom was thrilled when I chose her old glasses and dress for my nerdwear. The dress was a mini-dress, and I paired it with green argyle knee-high socks and sandals. The laugh you see is my "big fake nerd laugh." It works, does it not? The next shot will come in the next post because I haven't figured out how to move text around in Blogger.

Dirty, rotten....

...apples!

(Penicillium expansum on Cameos)

Lovely, are they not? What fun it is to work with moldy apples. I had no other pictures to share this morning, so I thought I'd give you a glimpse at what I look at a lot!

I'm presently fighting a mild panic attack which could become severe if I don't head it off at the pass. I was very, very bad this past weekend - I did almost no schoolwork. This is a bad, bad thing (one could even say rotten, like these apples, hardy har har). I have so much to do, so much to study, hundreds of pages to read, vast acres of knowledge to assimilate. It might have been ok to take one day off over the weekend, but two? No way. It's not as though I'm doing so well that I can afford the time off, because I'm not. I was just so tired, though. Not an excuse, certainly, and now I'm going to suffer for it... but there you have it. I let my weariness and frustration goad me into doing a lot of.... nothing. For two entire days. Of course, I did clean the house, cook, and do the laundry... and I read several chapters of pharmacology... but by and large, I did essentially naught. I came in this morning to find a list as long as my arm from my boss, so there is zero chance of my sneaking any study time into my work day. Sigh.

I'm considering what I might do about my depression, the great lassitude that I live with every day. I'm not sure if my general lack of enthusiasm in life is pathological or not. Yes, I do have depression - I don't doubt that anymore - but how much do my issues have to do with laziness? And how much have to do with this grey fatigue, this foggy apathy that fills my head? Why is it so hard to simply force myself to take a shower, or vacuum the house, or crack a book for heaven's sake? Every single thing is such a huge effort. Is it inertia? I do find that once I get myself going, I get more done than I would have thought possible. And don't get me wrong, I do shower daily, the house is vacuumed, and I somehow manage to get my studying/homework done. Maybe this is how everyone feels. I have no way of knowing. What do you think? I have felt this way for years. Literally. I need to do something to snap out of this. Too many years have already gone by - do I want to finally wake up when I'm 80?

Meh. Alrighty, then. Must tackle the long, long list of work-related work. Mayhap I can do a tiny bit of study at lunch.

Apologies for revisiting this topic of my inner turmoil once again. How blah.

Ta for now.