A Christmas Spider!

Hi! I'm fuzzy and have several eyes!

My apologies to those of you who do not share my love of spiders. Also, I haven't uploaded any new photos, so this is it for the next week and a half!

I'm off from work till January 2nd, when I will return with my grand superhero plans. I intend for them to be uplifting and good for me - there will be no self-flagellation if I can help it. There may also end up being some meds involved, as I do believe a pretty serious depression is looming and I will need every bit of help to deal with my Life Issues. I've been avoiding this possibility for far too long. Anyhow, I wanted to wish you all a very merry, safe, and fun-filled Christmas. At the very least, have a peaceful week, and take care of yourselves. I may check in from Ohio next week. Best to you all, and to all a good night! Ta for now.

Shelby-cat

shortly before this photo, she was all wide-eyed and kitteny looking, not so squinty-faced and elderly looking. oh well.

The new favorite spot - hiding behind the field guides right by the heating outlet

Close-up

My heroes - Joss and Buffy.

So. Hi there! That last is in reference to my new soon-to-be superhero status. They are my muses - Mr. Whedon for his brilliant superhero writing, Buffy for her kick-assedness. Yes, I'm in my thirties - waning thirties, sigh - and Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my muse. So be it! My life is grim enough in its personal details at times that it warrants some wildly speculative dreaming about one's potential for superherodom and the muses therein.

I haven't yet made a list of my requirements for myself during this transition to some sort of superhero - maybe tonight, in between possibly writing some Christmas cards. Or maybe I'll skip the cards and just write my manifesto. Let me tell you, I am tired of myself. Something has to give. Yes, there are things I like about myself. Let's see.... I like that I have somehow been able to pull off this nursing school thing so far; I like that I am kind to the people in my life, and to strangers I meet too; I like that I have such love for animals and plants; I like that I have a decent sense of humor; I like the color of my eyes, if not the shape and the circles beneath them; I like that I am a good driver; I like that my cat loves me. There. See? I'm not always about the beating up of myself. I won't make a list of the things I don't like - for one, it would be counterproductive, and for two, it would go on for too long and end up disheartening me. Anyhow, changes must be made. I shouldn't dread going home at night. I should be able to love with abandon (as Aunt Purl said in her entry of 20 December: http://www.crazyauntpurl.com/). I should also take good care of myself, once and for all. It all ties together. (....trails off, thinking about stuff instead of writing it...)

Anyhow, I'll fill in some more details tomorrow. After that, I'm off from work until January 2nd. I'm hoping to drive to Ohio the day after Christmas - we'll see what the weather has to say about those plans - and if I do, I'll post from there. Ta for now.

Super hero? But first, some unrelated photos by request.

my messy, messy office space.

afternoon's project: scrubbing dirty test tubes! fun!

whiteboard, bookcase, and etcetera

inside one of the lab refrigerators

south end of my lab

north end of my lab

random lepidoptera collection, entomology lab

flood from autoclave, because yours truly walked away from it while filling and got distracted. probably by something completely inane. was alerted to flood by the sound of water splashing on the floor. genius.

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So, there you have it - a mini-tour of my lab, in all its low-tech glory! Missing are shots of the microscope room, the cold rooms where the fruit is stored, and the women's restroom.

So... on the topic of superheros? I have decided that I need to be one, or at least give it a try. My life is out of control right now, and I'm downright sick of it. I have neglected my emotional, spiritual, and physical health for months on end. I am out of shape, chubby, sad, dispirited, and in serious danger of declining into yet another dark depression. My relationship with M. sucks in a big way, I haven't been a good friend - or even a lame-ass friend - to a number of people I really care about, and I have given less than my best to every single aspect of my life. I feel like a failure, and I'm really frustrated with myself for allowing life to just *happen* to me. I know better than that. I need to get with it. I have done this sort of thing all my life - I go through these brief enthusiastic phases when I try for a time to change everything bad about myself and my life. Inevitably, it peters out and suddenly I'm here again, right where I don't want to be. Maybe it'll be different this time. Or maybe it'll just be good to shake things up for a bit, try to take better care of myself and my loved ones for at least a little while. So - yeah. I'm going to aim for super hero - if I end up less than super but I still get something done? So be it. I'll jot down some plans for all to see tomorrow. Until then - ta, for now.

After the snow

After the snow

Other photo - to match the entry below - after the snow

Drive home, part 1

Drive home part 2

Drive home part 3

Hillside behind lab

Coyote track

Bird prints

Hi there! I'm back. Not much time to write just at the moment (have to run out for lunchtime errands), but I wanted to get these pictures up. Again, not too exciting, but still - a history of my time here.

Spent the last several days shovelling like mad - yesterday was a torrent of sleet, snow, and freezing rain, which was not at all fun to clear. I will check back in later! Ta for now.

Boring photos...

9:30 a.m. EST

Goldenrod with dusting of snow

Driveway/lathehouse shot

...but I wanted to capture the before-and-after snowstorm bit. It's coming down really hard now - we're supposed to get 10 inches to a foot before all is said and done. Not really looking forward to it, but.... c'est la vie! I was just informed that we're officially closing at 10 - four minutes from now. Snow day! I'll have to take the after shots tomorrow. When I took these, the flakes were tiny and hard - they are now giant and fluffy and a little wet, and to look out my office window is like looking through a curtain.

Well..... I passed my final assessment! I'll go into the gory details later - and there are some details worth writing about - so that's done. I would feel happier if I knew for sure I'd passed my lecture final (I'll find out next Tuesday), so I'll hold off on the celebrating until next week. Still, though - WHEW. The assessment was what worried me the most. I was so ridiculously nervous - had a starting heart rate of 108, which soon became 110, and probably higher after that. So - yeah. Yay! I think. The lecture final was a beast, though. Hold your applause until later. Off to clean my car and slide on home now... best to you all!

Until later, ta.

p.s. (writing Saturday, from the library) We got 10 to 12 inches of snow and I didn't go in to work on Friday. I took pictures on my harrowing drive home, and of our back yard, but none of the above shots in "after" mode yet - maybe Monday. I spent three hours shoveling snow on Friday. Not fun, not fun at all. We're supposed to be getting a big storm overnight tonight and through tomorrow - our region in particular is supposed to get several inches, and then a wonderful coating of ice over that. I guess that's it for now - I'm off to grocery shop! Ta till Monday.

Not ready for test tonight? Check.

Multiflora rose

Icy branches

Hawthorn (Crataegus species)

Photos in place of words? Again, check.

Notice the similarity in the berry photos - these critters are in the same family, but are different genus and species - the hawthorn is a small tree, the rose is a vine. Both are thorny. The middle picture is a shrub I've been wanting to photograph - it has very interesting branches (haven't ID'd it yet) - and I still haven't found a good way to do it. This'll do for now.

Meanwhile, I'm panicking. Not ready for tonight's exam. Wish me luck.

p.s. I am irritated by the fact that the latter two labels are off-center. I can't figure out why (I have tried to correct it multiple times to no avail, and I am supposed to be squeezing in some studying!), and this foolishness with having to put HTML tags (I guess that's what they are)before and after every paragraph or sentence is just... very exasperating. Very. Over and out, then.

Plethora of pictures

I should save these to dole out one at a time, really... but I don't want to. This is what I was in the mood to see today. They are all pictures from work. The last three are indoors, where I am most of the time now that it's winterish.

Winter Peach

Velvetleaf and wheel

sumac from below

staked trees - I did this! and there's a whole lot more of them....

old goldenrod in the sun

more goldenrod

farm equipment with weeds

lichen on cherry

more old goldenrod

cherry tree entomology experiment - used to have exclusion tents on the supports to keep birds and bugs out

c-sled (I'll find out why it's called this later; for now, suffice to say it's in place as a biological control for pesticide disposal - the plants are busy helping to filter chemicals)

apples on the ground; irrigation tubing down the middle

water distiller - insides. This thing has been causing me a headache for some time now, trying to get it cleaned and fixed.

top of my bookcase, office. Advent calendar, lantern, and feathers/snakeskin/weeds/black knot.

lab bench, various works in progress

That's all I have for you for now - lots of photos. I'm tired, and I have a lot of work yet to do today. I will be gone for the next four days - no internet at home, and I am taking both Friday and Monday off to prepare for exams. I don't know if I'll write or not Tuesday and Wednesday because I may be in a panic. I suppose that all depends upon how well I study.

On that note, I wish you all good weekends - and non-weekends. Best to you. Ta.

Sometimes?

I want to throw things at the wall, or perhaps punch someone in the face. As usual, I am underslept, my marriage is all kinds of tangled, I am running to catch up with schoolwork that is due in mere hours - stealing time from my actual job, which causes me terrible guilt and stress, and you know what else? I have to wear a white uniform to clinicals. What sort of underwear did I wear today? BRIGHT BLUE. And you know what else? (tmi, but at this moment I do not care) (which should probably stop me from writing this, but no...) My period started just now. Which goes just about as well with translucent white pants as does bright blue underwear. (flails, punches at nothing, screams, froths at the mouth) Alrighty then. Ta. Until later.

p.s. (the next day) Also? I wore a red bra. According to my dear classmates, you couldn't really see the patriotic underwear - the white uniform completed the package - but really? You could, a little bit. Oh well. I'm less overwrought than I was yesterday, so now I know better that my underwear couldn't matter less. I apologize for the insanity. School/work/relationship issues have me a little nuts.

Sky shots

I have a hard time resisting sky shots. I love the sky kind of the way I love the ocean, though I wish I had the same access to the ocean as I do the sky. I love the dramatic look of it, how it shifts in mood, how stunning the colors can be. Even now, after I just took these shots, the clouds beckon again, as they turn purple and indigo and violet and lavendar. Lovely.

Please pardon the power lines in these photos. They're there, and couldn't really be avoided. I have made two vows to myself with regard to photo-taking - one, I will find beauty where ever I am, and will take its photograph if I have my camera and two, I want to photograph all around this place that I work and love for the final year that I am here, in all seasons, every month until I go. I'll talk more about that later. Ta for now.

Monday

Hi there. Some random photos for you, taken this morning -

Moth of unknown species. Just thought he/she was cute!

Common mullein (Verbascum thapsus) in our first snow. So soft! So wooly! So cold. Thorn. Not sure what species - might be Rosa multiflora. Was growing near blackberry and common greenbriar, so it's not those.... ********************

Alrighty, then. The crappiness I mentioned last week has temporarily abated. M. decided not to make any further issue of what happened Thursday night and was as sweet as could be all weekend. No healthy resolution, certainly, but I honestly do not have time or energy for that right now - especially due to the abject ridiculousness of the subject of his tantrum. We will have to come back to the issue once finals are over, though. I think he backed off for two reasons: one, I didn't dissolve into tears and pleading as I once would have - instead I was (rightfully) angry and I stood up for myself; two, some small part of him had to know how insane the things he was saying were. And so, onward with the week. I got practically nothing done in terms of school, so let the panic begin! I was just so exhausted, both physically and emotionally. It's amazing how much energy passionate emotion can drain away.

Nothing else to talk about, really. Same old stuff - four hours of lab tonight, five hours of lecture tomorrow, 6 hours of clinical Wednesday... and myriad papers due in each. Not sure how it will all get done, but it will, somehow.

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ALSO! Big thanks to my BF Shannon - http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/ - for my banner and basically my entire blog set-up. Isn't it just gorgeous?! I love it, love it! Thank you, Shan! Three cheers!

Until later, folks... ta.

p.s. Apparently, this particular format has taken away my ability to have paragraphs without doing some very minor HTML stuff, which Shannon has shown me how to do. It's still a big giant hassle for someone like me who is essentially lazy and just wants to type stuff in without worrying about such things. It's pretty much a miracle that I figured out how to upload photos - or even have a blog, for that matter. Anyway, please excuse the paragraphlessness/squished-togetherness of my blog right now. Until finals are over, I'm just not going to worry about it.

I've been tagged!

How cool! I've been tagged by Velocibadgergirl for her five-post meme. Thanks! I won't be able to get to it today... I'm having a pretty crappy day, so I don't have the heart for it... but I will get to it on Monday (just a reminder - I have no internet access at home). So - thank you! That gives me something to look forward to. ******************* The crappiness has to do, once again, with my significant other. I won't get into details, but suffice to say things are very ugly between us. And I don't really know what to do about it. This close to finals (which are a week and a half away), such meltdowns really, really suck. They suck regardless, but it's worse when I know that this has the potential causing me to fail, and I'm not exaggerating. I am just so tired of the drama, the emotional rollercoaster, the frightening depths of this relationship. So very, very tired. On that note, bye. I hope you have better weekends than I suspect I will.

Need I say it? More photos. That's where my heart is right now, apparently.

White oak leaf, among others

Up the lane

The last dandelion!

Red oak leaves

Cherry branches and sky

Birch and sky

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That's all for right now. Presently, I'm trying to think of some reason not to go to class. I do this every week. I never find a reason not to go. I'm very tired of school, and I'm very tired of having these long, long days. Buck up, right? If I pass, I have three more semesters of this!

Anyhow, ta for now. I'm tired. Wish me well.