p.s.

On the way home from class... just wanted to stop in and say that yes, I know so many people have more challenging lives than I do. I know this, and I know how fortunate I am. I need to be more clear about that. When I whine about my issues, problems, whatevers... of course I tend to be myopic about them. However, I am capable of gratitude and awareness of the world around me - I know how lucky I am. How blessed. I just wanted to say it out loud, so to speak. Another thing that I've been thinking about - and maybe I'll flesh this out more later - is my tendency to be a shmuck in terms of my "potential." I put it in quotes because I think that ship pretty much sailed. I still have potential, but it's far more limited at this point in my life than it once was. Anyway... as I was saying, shmuck. I'm always the technician. The nurse (one day). The assistant. And over and over again, I hear that I'm too smart for that role. I hear it from everyone from the ground up - all the way up to veterinarians, doctors, dentists, and PhD's. My usual answer is that I'm an exceptional technician/nurse/assistant, and generally I am. No one's perfect, but I do a good job on the whole, and I tend to have better insight into the why's and how's of whatever science is going on than the average tech/nurse/assistant, in my experience. The sad fact is something I'm still exploring - why haven't I gone higher than I have in life? I've certainly spent enough time in school, over and over again. I take classes where ever I go, and I do well. I'm a good scientist. I think the lack of achievement comes down to a few things: one, I'm not as smart as people seem to think I am (ouch); two, I just don't care enough about any one thing; and three, I pretty much want to be left alone. That last one sounds the oddest, I think. There was a small event in my young life that I've heard stories about ever since that sort of explains what I mean. I'm a believer in the fact that you are distinctly you from the very beginning of life, including all of your strengths and weaknesses - it's actually pretty fascinating to watch this play out in real life, such as it is. Anyhow, when I was around 3 or 4, I was in a hallway that had been painted very recently. My grandfather, my dad's dad, told me not to touch the paint. I did, as kids will do. He reprimanded me sternly. I said, "I don't want to talk about it right now," and I turned away. That's pretty much how I feel - I know when I've done wrong (or right), and I don't want to talk about it. I can almost feel the way I did when I said that - I really just want to be left alone. I use this story as a small tale of a personality. The story isn't particularly striking unless you know my grandpa and me, but to me it has always encapsulated my need to be left alone. And, coming back to my original point - the people who are not left alone are the doctors, whatever breed they may be. The technicians/nurses fade into the background. I still feel that way, the way I did when I touched the paint. (warning: non-segue) I guess that kind of expounds on the idea that I have a hard time loving people who are very close to me. Or, rather, loving them the way they deserve to be loved. Maybe that's also why my close friends are all so far away. I don't know. I push people away a lot, I suppose. I really do love people, and I want friends. On the other hand, I really do want to be left alone, too. Not pathologically, but probably more than most. I want to choose the distance between you and me. It's almost ridiculous for me to be saying this because I am so close to most of my coworkers - and to some of my classmates too. It's hard to explain. Or maybe not, if I think about it a little harder. Meh - contradictions all around! Now I have to go. My apologies for this jumbled entry.