I need to WAKE UP.

I am so tired, and it's only Monday. And I haven't even gone to class yet. I think I need some sort of attitude adjustment. I have four entire semesters left after this one, and this one has only just begun... and already I dread school nights. As I said, attitude adjustment is much needed. I resent going to school, that's the problem. I've been going now for two years - I think I'm just weary of it. The best thing lately is that M. has totally gotten on board with how challenging it has been to work full time and go to school almost-full time AND keep a relationship and a house together. I'm not sure exactly why he had this lightbulb moment, but he has told me at least half a dozen times how much he understands now that it hasn't been easy, and how much he appreciates what I've been doing lo these past few years. This is truly stunning. This is the man who screamed at me a mere six months ago because the coffee wasn't ready in the morning - after I'd gotten home the night before at 11:30 following a full day at work plus 6 hours at the nursing home. I left home that morning in tears, and hating him. Now he's actually making the coffee on nights when I'm home late, and he's been doing laundry and vacuuming too. I can hardly believe the change. I'll believe it's here to stay when it actually does. I am grateful, no doubt about it. My gratitude hasn't quite caught up with my enervation, though. I'll get there. One note about relationships, from my "points to blog about" below: as far as romantic affairs go, I am finished. M. and I are doing better, but it will be awhile before we feel solid. If we never do, and what we have ends - that's it for me. I don't mean to sound jaded, and I realize the wisdom in "never say never," but really - never again. What I want isn't something I have ever really found in another person. That's not to say that it was my partner's fault, or that I'm even close to being a perfect mate (loud guffaw).... it's more that I've tried, and I've mostly failed. And I'm tired of that. I'm also tired of answering to someone else, I'm tired of compromising who I am, I'm tired of disappointing my partner, I'm tired of being disappointed. I would be more than happy with a handful of close friends and a few cats, a dog or two, and maybe a pony. Something along those lines. I am happy for those of you who have found someone you are good with - it's a big deal. It's a wonderful thing. I think maybe I've just been flawed from the get-go, in terms of finding a partner in life. I've found good men, to be sure; some of them I dated, two of them I married. I don't know if any of them were really good for me, though, and the reverse is also true. Maybe my idea of a perfect mate died with the departure of my "first love" to college - though it's rather laughable to call a high school crush love. Maybe I've just never been able to love someone the right way. Or let myself be loved. I don't know the answer to any of this, but I have been thinking about it a lot over the past few years. I give myself much more openly to my mom and dad, though I certainly butt heads with my father, and to my friends, and to any animal or plant that comes along. More openly than I probably ever have to a romantic partner. I'm sure there's something to that. The bloom is off the rose, though, and if M. and I part? I'm going it alone thereafter. I haven't persevered with him for this long, though, to let go without really working at it - that's something I learned from Marc. There are days when I wish I would have worked harder for us. Then there are other days when I think it's best for both of us that we went our separate ways, as sad as it was. I'm thinking out loud here - I know my history isn't all that exciting, and I'm speaking to points that I haven't really discussed here... alas, this is my blog, so I suppose I shall toddle on, thinking out loud. I have been feeling a little bit alone lately. As usual, I am far, far away from Shannon ( http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/) and Tavia and Janice and Kelly (no blogs, just far away). I'm also far away from those kindred spirits I've met here in the ether. For once, it would be so cool if I stumbled upon someone in the blogosphere who was kindred - and also lived within less than a five hour drive. Wah, poor Anne, woe is me. It's the tiredness talking, I suppose. The day has been pretty good, despite my moaning about it earlier to Shannon (and Price)... I really do count most days spent outside as good ones. Well... gotta do some lab work. Maybe this extra entry makes up for the lack of a Friday one. Ta for now.