...apples!(Penicillium expansum on Cameos)
Lovely, are they not? What fun it is to work with moldy apples. I had no other pictures to share this morning, so I thought I'd give you a glimpse at what I look at a lot!
I'm presently fighting a mild panic attack which could become severe if I don't head it off at the pass. I was very, very bad this past weekend - I did almost no schoolwork. This is a bad, bad thing (one could even say rotten, like these apples, hardy har har). I have so much to do, so much to study, hundreds of pages to read, vast acres of knowledge to assimilate. It might have been ok to take one day off over the weekend, but two? No way. It's not as though I'm doing so well that I can afford the time off, because I'm not. I was just so tired, though. Not an excuse, certainly, and now I'm going to suffer for it... but there you have it. I let my weariness and frustration goad me into doing a lot of.... nothing. For two entire days. Of course, I did clean the house, cook, and do the laundry... and I read several chapters of pharmacology... but by and large, I did essentially naught. I came in this morning to find a list as long as my arm from my boss, so there is zero chance of my sneaking any study time into my work day. Sigh.
I'm considering what I might do about my depression, the great lassitude that I live with every day. I'm not sure if my general lack of enthusiasm in life is pathological or not. Yes, I do have depression - I don't doubt that anymore - but how much do my issues have to do with laziness? And how much have to do with this grey fatigue, this foggy apathy that fills my head? Why is it so hard to simply force myself to take a shower, or vacuum the house, or crack a book for heaven's sake? Every single thing is such a huge effort. Is it inertia? I do find that once I get myself going, I get more done than I would have thought possible. And don't get me wrong, I do shower daily, the house is vacuumed, and I somehow manage to get my studying/homework done. Maybe this is how everyone feels. I have no way of knowing. What do you think? I have felt this way for years. Literally. I need to do something to snap out of this. Too many years have already gone by - do I want to finally wake up when I'm 80?
Meh. Alrighty, then. Must tackle the long, long list of work-related work. Mayhap I can do a tiny bit of study at lunch.
Apologies for revisiting this topic of my inner turmoil once again. How blah.
Ta for now.
9 comments:
I know exactly what you're talking about. I have so little motivation sometimes. Even when I want to do so much. Even when it's something simple like rinsing out the coffee pot. Laziness is probably a symptom of depression. It could be chemical though- have you discussed this with your doctor?
I think that it's not so much laziness that symptomatic of depression, but rather how hard on yourself about it you seem to be. You don't ever sound lazy to me. In fact, I'm often impressed by how much you seem to accomplish. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry? Anne, if you're vacuuming and DOING LAUNDRY, you are KICKING MY ASS at the game of life. Yet, I don't consider myself depressed. Nor do I really give it a whole lot of thought. The time in my life when I DID really think about all the things I wasn't doing was when I was down. (What helped me was the book Feeling Good, which I suggested once to another blogger and now I don't want ppl to think I'm pedalling it, but it did really help me.) In any case, every student under the sun puts of their readings for at least one weekend. And they usually also put off the laundry, so really, you're a STAR, Anne. I'm not kidding.
You're awfully hard on yourself. Depression leaves me with a feeling of my ass being full of lead and everything I do all day long feels like I'm moving underwater, slow and very difficult.
Jeci recommends Feeling Good by David Burns, it's an excellent book and helps you to change your thinking. Quit beating yourself up sweetie. There's enough people in the world who will do that for you.
As everyone else has said, it does sound like depression. My experience of it is similar. When I have an episode, it's very difficult to really give much of a fig about anything.
In my own case, the best I've been able to do is wait for it to cycle out.
I agree with Deb. Don't be hard on yourself. That only makes it worse. :)
Peace,
~Chani
...Thanks for stopping by my blog. Your kitty is adorable, too! She reminds me of my Jane - a little bit of copper here and there. ;)
I love the photo of moldy apples - my first guess was donuts (you know those kinds with the crumbs on top?) until I read the fine print! Fascinating.
love me some mold.
I followed the link to here from Deb's blog, and I am so glad I did, you are accomplishing so much...we all call it the same things don't we, inertia, laziness, procrastination....we beat ourselves up about it...if we continue....the downward spiral continues....we beat ourselves up some more.....and it continues until we find some way to pull ourselves out of the whirlpool that is pulling us ever downward.
I am beginning to think that blogging is a godsend (or is that goddesssend?) for sufferers of depression, it adds a much needed support system....and I agree with the other commenters....you my dear accomplished much.....my weekend was spent in bed.....wallowing in melancholy....feeding the spiral.
Oh Anne,
I think it has more to do with perfectionism. It's exhausting always weighing whether we are doing enough, whether we are enough... As you know, I've been thinking about this in my own life. I'm always comparing myself and my achievements to others. But it's apples and oranges. You do so much and do it well. Every student on the planet procrastinates and has ups and downs. Everyone gets tired and maybe we need to eat better, or take a nap. From what I'm hearing, you don't take much down time. It's ok to sit and think, to read, to clean house, to just veg. Sometimes we have to cram, it's the nature of life, and we'll hate it, but it's the natural course of things. I'm afraid of anti-depressants, but maybe it would be ok. I'm searching, like you for peace--I think we should look to nature, go with the flow, and let it be what it is. I'll let you know when I learn to do that.
I love you sister
I hope you can find time to visit a doctor. You never know, maybe it's something simple like iron poor blood (as the old commercials used to say). I'm a lazy, procrastinating person by nature, but not depressed, so there is a difference. Wish I could help.
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