Since my life seems to be an open book lately, I suppose I can continue along those lines. Probably not the best decision I've ever made, but there it is. Or, rather - here it is.
I am feeling ashamed and grief-stricken and uncertain and more or less horrible today. Last night, I was meaner, crueler, than I think I have ever been to a human being on purpose. (I know I've been those things unintentionally in the past, though rarely, thank God) I went on the offensive against M., and I was like a crazy person. I spewed out every terrible thing I had ever thought, every slight I had ever felt, every resentment that had ever lurked in my mind, unspoken. To top it all off, I was also casually, pointlessly mean - I actually made a withering comment about his vocabulary and the way he talks. That is so incredibly low, I can't even believe I said it. I am mortified by the way I behaved. Being aggressively cruel like that just is not in my nature, at least not usually. In the end, he told me that he doesn't even like me anymore, that he wants a divorce, that he only hopes I will be as fair with him as I was with Marc. (note: I was fair to Marc materially and monetarily, I think, but I'm sure I wasn't necessarily fair emotionally. Just want to keep things clear.)
(deep breath) I do not know what I want at this point. I know what other people want for me, and I know I've been acting like a separation is what I desire, but on the brink of it now? I'm just not sure. Divorce is a terrible thing; it destroys so much. Break-ups are bad regardless, but to me it seems divorce is even worse than that. Vows spoken in a church are broken. That wedding dance you did, both of you so happy? That memory is smashed, along with so many others. It is heartbreaking on so many levels, I have a hard time even seeing through my tears to talk about them. I don't know what I am going to do, or how I am going to muddle through this; I don't know what to do. He may not give me a choice in the matter; if he files for divorce, I won't fight it. How can I? In the face of all the odds, I still think we have a chance. I don't know why I think that, but I do. I don't hate him, and when I step back from a situation I am too close to, I have focused too much on negatives, and I haven't tried hard enough to make things more positive between us. Instead, I have retreated into a shell, where I read books and study and avoid him. He has done the same, except that he goes into his shop, smokes cigars, listens to music, and fiddles with woodworking projects. We haven't communicated in any real way for a few years now. It's a little bit stunning to realize that. I am afraid of him, and he is, in his own way, afraid of me. How did we get here?
I don't think we are the best match known to man, certainly. We would both probably be better off either alone or with someone different. However, we are together, and that means something. When I go home tonight, I am going to lay all my cards on the table, apologize for being so awful, and then the ball will be in his court. That's all I can do right now.
Just as an addendum, let me say this: I know he has been cruel to me, verbally abusive, untrusting, and physically threatening. I'm not forgetting those things. It could be that there is no hope left. I just need to be sure. He is not a horrible human being, and it just kills me to see him hurting, especially when I am the cause of it. So - there you have it. That's where I am right now. It should be fun to see how much studying I can actually accomplish in the face of this. This pretty much sucks.
Over and out, then. I won't be in till Tuesday, unless by some miracle I am able to get enough study in to feel comfortable not taking Monday off. I wish you all the best. Take care of yourselves and your loved ones. Ta.
7 comments:
Even though you won't see this until Tuesday, sorry I wasn't around for most of today. Deep breath, my BFF.
It sounds like everything you ever wanted to tell him got walled, up, and became a beast that finally got unleashed. Perhaps you just responded to him the same way he has treated you off and on all this time, which in some ways is totally fair, in my opinion. I'm, obviously, not sure about the dynamics of your relationship with M., but any type of abuse in a relationship is wrong! There is NO excuse for it and if it can't be stopped, perhaps going your seperate ways would be best for both of you. Take care and big hug!
You're not the first and you certainly won't be the last person who's not sure what they want sweetie. I'm no different. I go back and forth so much I'm giving myself some nasty whiplash.
Take a deep breath and try to sit still for a little bit. Just sit quietly, you don't have to do anything, just sit.
Sending a hug as well.
First, I want to applaud you for how brave you're being in being honest with yourself and with everyone about how you feel and about your relationship.
Second, I couldn't agree more with everything Kari said. There is no excuse for abuse. Period.
It's unfortunate that you said things you regret and bless you for your kind heart to feel bad over it. But, we all occasionally say things in the heat of the moment that we regret. Don't beat yourself up over it. However, that being said, keep in mind that a healthy partnership brings out the best in us, not the worst. I've been in your shoes a few times and...I don't know if there's any way out of a toxic relationship EXCEPT out. Sadly, no matter how much you may love each other, I think it might be like trying to overcome alcoholism while continuing to drink. I can promise you two things Anne: a) if you do what you need to do to heal the hurt that drew you into a toxic relationship in the first place, you will be amazed at the gifts that the Universe lays at your feet, and b) no matter what, I know your friends (including me, in my limited capacity) will do what we can to catch you when you fall. THAT'S the love you deserve.
Oh Anne. I'm so sorry about all that. I've been there. Even though you were hurt, you feel upset with yourself for being cruel and going 'there' whether he deserved it or not and that not who you want to be...ouch. Marriage is more than just a memory of a beautiful moment that lasted a few minutes so don't feel bad about that. If there is only one person 'in' it, it's not really a relationship, it's just a vacuum, hun. I don't know all the details so I can't say more than no matter what, do what you need to take care of you. If he loves you and values you and truly knows YOU, he'll accept your apology and try to work on himself too. Remember that it takes 2 and I imagine regarding this fight, he's not innocent either so don't beat yourself up too much.
You were human. I've certainly been in that situation so many times, with various family members. I look back on my words and cringe. But, you aren't a mean person. You did what so many of us do, you vented all your emotions and what came out was highly charged. I hope you both can work out things to be on good terms, even if you do divorce. I'm getting a divorce now, and it's very hard to deal with the anger. It's corrosive, and sometimes it breaks out of us. Please don't berate yourself dear Anne. Hugs.
Oh boy. Well, the first thing that comes to mind is that everything came jumping out of your mouth because you held back for so long. You let somet things out but onece you started, you were not about to stop unti every last related piece of information was tossed out. Although you may feel bad, I don't find your behavior to be strange. What I do find notable is that you are ready to say how awful you are for saying that, yet in the next paragraph you mention some things he's done and follow it up by saying 'he's not an awful person'. You forgive him more than you forgive yourself. You need some time; maybe he will talk with you. If not, sometimes we all need to know when to say 'enough is enough.' Be kind to yourself. xoxo
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