This is my dad.
I feel bad about the outburst the other day with regard to my dad. I wouldn't let most humans say a single bad word about him, and I feel guilty whenever I do. I've been thinking about that outburst, and about how so, so much of my life has really revolved around my dad. He has no idea, I don't think. Sometimes maybe he does, but I don't know how much. He infuriates me, he hurts me, he has been my idol since before I could read, and I still call him to ask him medical/science-related questions. I never doubt that he loves me - I know he does, a lot - and I am always surprised at how much he can hurt me even though he loves me. How can he not know that his words leave wounds? Over time, I have come to understand a lot of things about my dad. I think, anyway. He hurts too. He's an undiagnosed depressed person, he has a heck of a lot of anger (much like me, it would seem), and he is sensitive, insecure, and easily hurt. He worries too much, thinks too much, doesn't sleep enough. I've kind of known a lot of these things for a few years now, but it's still hard to really get. I love him so much, and I feel lucky to be his daughter. I wish sometimes that he would be a little easier, though - on me, and on himself. If there are any dads reading, please be aware of how much you impact your daughter's lives - it's probably a great deal more than you think. Given my absurdly bad relationship history, I wonder how my relationship with my dad has affected that realm. It has to have. Anyway, I love my dad. I am sorry that I said mean things about him.
Ta for now.
5 comments:
I had an angry dad too, a man who isolated himself from his family in an effort to keep himself safe. I don't think it worked and I think he was a very lonely man. Our fathers have a huge impact on us, they are the first men to love us, to hold our hearts in their hands and they had better do a good job of it or their daughters will spend many years with many bad men as a result of their neglect.
I think you can love your father and still be angry and frustrated with him. I know I was.
Take care sweetie.
I wonder if your dad doesn't realize the impact he has because his own impression of his value as a person or his ability to influence and impact people is much lower than he thinks. If this is the case, then he could just think that what he says doesn't really matter that much.
Dads can get you that way, and I think your right about the link between our father/daughter relationships and the men we find ourselves with.
Don't beat yourself up for being angry. Maybe one of the ways to honor our parents most is to in recognition of their frailties. It wasn't a supportive comment, and I see no harm in telling him how you felt about it.
He crossed that boundary- ventured into unfair territory- its ok to feel anger and let him know where you draw the line. If you back away and let it go, he'll keep crossing it.
Keep on it Anne, you're doing a great job of juggling a heavy load.
Those closest to us can get to us the most. No problem having a rant over it. If you kept it all in, then THAT would be a problem, letting it out is just fine. It doesn't mean you love or respect him any less, either. For what it's worth, I've gotten totally bent out of shape to eventually learn the other person had no idea and was only kidding to being with (gram). Also, I've gone off the deep end when, even if justified, I never thought to take their feelings as an untreated but diagnosed depressive into consideration (mom). Believe it or not, you seem to make strides even when you don't realize it. Please don't let yourself feel too guilty over this, k? Oh, and as far as your comment back there on having bits of your life strewn about hence having a dry outfit. Guilty as charged! I have little parcels in my car, work, mom's...
I thought about my relationship with my daughter when I read this. Sadly, I can see my girl saying similar things about me in the future. I seem to share many of your dad's traits - depression, anger, defensiveness, insecurities, oversensitivity. I am well aware of the effect I might be having, and I am constantly blaming myself for hurting her (some of it warranted, some not).
I think women have a hard time believing how much a father loves a daughter. Boys grow up thinking of women as mother figures, then as potential partners and mates ... then along comes a girl who is neither of these, and who loves us in a different way than any female has before. This totally redefined the meaning of love. The moment my daughter was born, I had a sense that my life would never be the same, and I was correct. This is why dads become overprotective, overly critical, exasperated, and seemingly powerless to say no to their girl. (Unfortunately I think this strains the relationship between father and son, but that's another story.)
I think think that a father's criticism is easily misunderstood. I'm not saying the words don't hurt; I know they do, and it makes me terribly sad when I have hurt my girl's feelings. But behind the stinging words, there is a totally different and paradoxical feeling: "why can't you understand how much I love you and I want you to do well in life, but I feel like you never listen to me and I don't matter?" Please understand I am not excusing or condoning angry and hurtful words; I am just talking about the complicated thoughts that may be present.
And having said all that, remember that I never had a father in my life and it has affected my life very deeply. I never had an example of how to act or handle emotional situations, and I never had someone strong who I knew would take care of things for me.
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