30 December 2006
Better now....
...a little bit. I'm trying to have a good attitude about what sort of mess I'm going home to (did I pay a bill late? did he read something I wrote that he shouldn't have read? what? what did I do?), but it's tough. My reaction comes from a lifetime of trying to predict what the man in my life is angry about this time - and how can I make it better, how can I soothe him, or at least minimize damage to myself? How can I become invisible? My last relationship was not like this the vast majority of the time, so I did have several years wherein I wasn't anxious all the time. However, living in an anxiety-inducing environment for my first twenty years or so - and on many occasions after that - is a very, very difficult thing to overcome. When I'm in this mode, it's difficult to concentrate on anything, and nearly impossible to enjoy the moment. It angers me that he knows this - he knows I can't call him, he knows I only have these few days with my parents, and he knows I'll drive 12 hours wondering what awaits me, more nervous with each mile. Or maybe he doesn't. Maybe he's so wrapped up in whatever has him angry this time that he doesn't even consider me. Either way, it's a pretty bad deal. There's an outside chance that he simply had a bad day and wasn't looking forward to the drive down to his sister's place. I doubt it, though.
ARGH. Do you see what goes through my head? It's crazy, completely crazy. Thoughts chasing worries chasing more worries chasing more thoughts until my head is full of a frenzied foam of fear and dread. It's no way to live, and I know that. I don't want to live this way anymore. It's enough that I lived this way growing up, isn't it? Gah.
I do intend to change. I do intend to make changes happen. That is my wish for the new year - peace, clarity, strength, and the guts to move forward, where ever that path will take me.
We're going to the zoo today, and I'm going to enjoy myself.
Over and out for now. Say some prayers or think some good thoughts for me if you are so inclined. I'll be ok. Thank you for listening.
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3 comments:
Oh Anne, I totally relate to what you're going through. It's not fun--that anxiety. Hope you had a good day at the zoo.
Hey Anne,
First, you are beautiful-100% pure.
I wish I had the right something to say about dealing with issues that come from dealing with M that would make it better. For what it’s worth, I think you're well on your way to gaining control of you, you're doing things you want, and it's good. It probably threatens M. Remember that his anger isn't really about you, it's about his own insecurities; the things he's not able to accept about himself. If I had it all to do over I would have stood my ground long ago, I would have said, “I am worth this consideration from you, and if you don't agree, you will have to make a choice.” My life would have turned out better with or without him if I had stood my ground and told him I am worthy of my wants and needs. It's not in my nature to have unreasonable needs and desires, and this is true of you. Remember this. I use this phrase often and it forces contemplation and evaluation from both parties: Am I asking for something that is unreasonable? If so, explain.
All good thoughts and love to you,
Lu
Yes, yes, yes to what lu said. This is not about you, it's about M., no matter what he says. And your needs, wants, and desires are valid and you deserve to have them fulfilled.
I'm rooting for you, Anne. You are a sweet person and you deserve to be treated as well as you treat others.
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