Sprucehead Island, MESo we have arrived once again at Monday. Per usual, I have nothing of note to say right now, but I hope to say something - if not of note, at least of substance - later.
Right now, I'm working on editing a 16 page report that my boss spent all of Saturday writing; it has to do with organic pest controls and fruit thinning in a variety of apple cultivars. He has to send it out by two today, so I have to focus on that right now.
One thing I should mention is that I have been slowly realizing, over the past few weeks, that I have power in my relationship with M. (I don't think I've mentioned him yet in this blog - M. is my significant other). Since we came to NY - and a bit before that - I started to cede my power to him, until he pretty much had all of it. This isn't a good thing for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that he can be very, very mean; cruel, even, and ferociously angry. I have allowed myself to be cowed down to a scared fourteen-year-old, back into the shoes I wore when my dad was that person I feared. It's as though the intervening years have been erased in some ways; my reactions and my curling inward and my feelings of burning - and ineffectual - fury and accompanying trepidation returned in full force. It hasn't been a very good situation. Lately, though, I have reached a point wherein I cannot go any further down that road. I just can't. I have started to stand up for myself. I have started looking at M. with old eyes, with resolution, when he begins to be how he can sometimes be. And that scares him. I didn't realize this right away - only gradually. I am beginning to step back into who I can be, when I have the presence of mind. I have power. Not a lot, not yet - but it's there. It is there.
Until later, ta.
p.s. in the above photo, I paddled in my dear kayak out beyond those islands you see in the distance, on the horizon. it was a long and lovely paddle, wherein I saw a bald eagle, harbor seals, and a great variety of sea birds. it was fantastic!
5 comments:
Good for you!
It's good to hear that you're moving down a better path. Be good to yourself.
having power in a relationship can be a very intoxicating, but one has to wonder, if there is a power struggle, should i even be in this relationship?
i don't know...
Good for you! Here's the thing, though: You DO have power. You're just slowly reacquainting yourself with it. Like you said, "it's in there there."
I am *so* happy to hear you're starting to find your power. Good.
And that is a purty picture. Lovely!
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