Update.

Hello, my friends. Thank you once again for being there, all of you. Maybe this sounds silly, but without your support - here and via email - along with my coworkers and some of my classmates, I wouldn't make it through this. I call you my friends - and I really mean that. I couldn't be more fortunate in terms of a strong support system.

I didn't go to class last night - not a good thing, especially given that the dean of the school of nursing is teaching this class. Not really the way I wanted to be introduced to her, via an email telling her I wouldn't be there. I went home and crawled into bed, and drifted in and out as I listened to NPR there in the dark, my kitty by my side of course. A few hours later, M. came in the house - he hadn't realized I didn't go to class. He came into the room and said he had written a list of things he wanted to talk about. I won't go into detail, other than to say he admits his own culpability in the whole matter of our serious relationship problems, that he doesn't like the way he is behaving and doesn't want to keep living this way, and that he is at this point in time completely paranoid about what I might be doing behind his back. We talked a little - he more than I. Nothing was resolved, other than the fact that he won't be serving me with divorce papers imminently. That doesn't mean divorce isn't in the future, perhaps sooner than later; it just means that I won't be getting papers served to me this week. I feel a little stronger now - I generally do with a little distance and time for thinking - AND with a lot of help from my friends. I don't know how we can solve our problems; I don't know if we will stay together or not. I am exhausted, living the way we have been. He is too.

It came to light last night that my being away at school three nights/week for the past year - and at least one or two nights per week for the past few years - has worn away M.'s ability to trust that I won't cheat on him. This is his big issue - he has no trust. I represent his third long-term relationship. The previous two women (well, the first was a girl, a high school girlfriend) both cheated on him. Another thing that is beginning to be clearer and clearer is that M.'s relationship with his ex (who he was with for twelve years) was also marked by suspicion and nastiness on his part due to his lack of trust. When I step back from my own myopic view of the situation (wherein everything is my fault), I can see that his lack of trust affects every single aspect of his life. He is suspicious of everyone - his boss, his mother, his sister, the guy who cut him off in traffic, the banker, the deli counter person - everyone is out to take from him, everyone has his worst interests in mind. I am not exaggerating - he has actually said these very words to the letter. Certainly I haven't been perfect, not at all, but my problems honestly have very little to do with his. Let me rephrase that. My problems are his now, as his have become mine, but our individual issues were preexisting, and they were never addressed by each of us individually before we got together and ended up in this tangled, painful mess.

Anyhow... my priorities need to be these: finish school and take care of my own health, especially my emotional/mental health. I must take care of my future, which means finishing the RN. I must seek outside help in the form of talk therapy and probably medication in order to be well enough to either work through my marital issues - or handle a divorce. Right now, I don't know how things will go. I don't feel particularly optimistic; obviously he doesn't either. I still see a glimmer of hope, in that he is finally starting to admit that everything is not my fault. I have been a similar breakup, a fairly amicable one at that, and I still think about my ex every single day. I still have regrets, I still miss him and his family. I know how much such a split hurts. That's why I keep trying and trying with M. Divorce is one of the hardest life events there is, and its destructiveness echoes down through a person's life probably forever afterward. That being said, if he does not also seek help with his problems, if he cannot be a partner with me in trying to repair whatever it is that we have left... I don't think we can stay together. I hate this. I hate it. Life is hard. I don't suppose it's supposed to be any other way.

In some ways, I feel bad about being so public about my private life. Maybe I will take this post down at some point; I don't know right now. I feel as though I owe an explanation to you who read here, who for some reason seem to care about me. You are, after all, a very real component of my support system. At any rate, that's all for now. I have to go to clinical tonight, something I'm not really looking forward to in my present frame of mind, but that's life. That's just the way it is. I'll keep you posted. Again, thank you all.

UPDATED TO ADD: I shouldn't have to say this, but upon rereading, maybe I should: I have not cheated on my husband. I have no interest in having any other romantic relationships - when I say if things don't work out with M., that's it, no more, I wash my hands of such things, I honest to God mean it. I would absolutely not cheat on M. I haven't, and I won't. Enough.