Look - grass and wire! Kinda pretty, in a way.
I have things I need to say. I'm starting to get all stuffed up in my head, though. I don't like that I always say that I'm going to write and then I don't. Much has to do with my schedule - often, I really have no time to write. Other times, though, I don't write because I am having a hard time deciding what I need to say, and how to say it.
Lately, I've been getting more and more depressed. This isn't a new thing for me, but I am getting really tired of it fucking up my life as it does. I broke a test tube last week while I was cleaning scads of them, and the first thing I wanted to do? I wanted to take the broken glass and slash my arm open with it. That's really not an easy thing to put out there, into the internets. I pretty much always want to make everyone happy, and to think of me as a fluffy bunny. Something like that. A fluffy bunny with brains! Yay, smart bunny! Unfortunately, that's not the truth. Having a desire to cut yourself with glass isn't really a wonderfully normal or bunny-like thing to do. This is how I know I made the right decision to go and talk to someone about my mental state before I actually do take the glass to my arm. Or drink a case of vodka. Or eat my way through anything I can get my hands on. These things have been my tools. Before my friggin knees gave out on me, I also routinely punished myself with exercise. Things being as they are, I would much rather have the exercise. The rest of it is destructive. The exercise can be too, but given my 'drothers? Give me exercise.
I'm sounding negative right now, but I don't mean to. I'm being honest. I am nice, I am good, I am friendly and smart and thoughtful and occasionally pretty. I have a decent sense of humor, and I am a good friend to the handful of people who will have me. I am doing all kinds of things right now to improve myself. I am also sometimes suicidal, self-destructive, angry, self-centered, and horribly depressed. These are all true things, the good and the bad. I've been struggling lately, but I am on the mend.
I am working my way back to some kind of settled. I am working out again. I am starting school next week, so whether I like it or not, I will be studying again (intellectual engagement is good, even if I'm kicking and screaming about it!). I am seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist in the next few weeks. I am eating well, mostly, and I am trying to be as much myself as I can to the people I love and to the world in general. The pictures that I take are a boon - I have always seen beauty whereever I go, but actually capturing it at times is a pretty neat thing. The very idea that there is so much beauty in the world - my kind of beauty, which generally has to do with plants and animals and nature and such - snags my soul. It makes me NOT want to do something as stupid as cutting myself with a broken test tube. So, yeah. If you've gotten this far? Thank you for listening.
ta, until next week.
6 comments:
Good for you for being honest, Anne. I know it takes courage. I'm glad you're seeking the support you need. I'm rooting for you to find happiness and wellness. Hug!
I am always trying to send positive energy your way, but tonight I'm really trying to send some super positive energy your way. I love your honesty, and I'm so happy that things are looking up. Have a good weekend!
Yes--don't ever feel like you can't be honest. I'm having my own depression and so glad to be in therapy. It does help, but the chemicals in our brains can cause a lot of anquish at time. It's not our fault that we are depressed. I haven't met you in person, but I often think about you and care about you a great deal.
Sending gentle hugs, hot tea, and good thoughts...xo
I know what you mean about the test tube. I can recall certain scars I have. The knife, the 'branding', the stabbing, even the gash from cat nail trimmers (yes, it's possible). There's always a trigger somewhere. It is hard to overcome and can be done but it is a lifelong struggle. I think school is good for you; it provides intellectual stimulation and a feeling of accomplishment. I'm here for ya kid, although given my circumstances I'm not sure if that's comforting or frightening... ;) For the record, if I ever waited until I 'knew' what I was saying, I'd never write a damned thing. Write when it comes. No matter what it is.
You're not alone sweetie, not the only who has felt this way or has avoided their feelings by doing things like drinking, eating, or exercising. Not by a long shot.
It sounds like you're taking care of yourself, getting the help that you need. That's a good thing.
Sending you a hug and remember, don't believe everything you think:)
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