That should be my mantra. I feel so much better when I get out there, so much better. I belong out there. I love the plants and animals and fungi and rocks and water and sky dearly, and being with them heals me. I stood in the middle of a frozen woods this afternoon, on a steep slope, laid my cheek on the bark of a lovely little tree and leaned there, just looking at the world around me. Relaxed, peaceful, free.
I have been so absurd for so many years. A broken record of repetitive behaviors that either harm or hinder me. Oh, I make noises like I want to change - looking back over the pages of this blog, I've made them many a time, and these pages are nothing to the years of paper journals filled with the same angsty crap. But do I? Do I ever truly throw myself into actual change? Not really. I'm afraid. I've been afraid for a long time, mostly just of stupid things, like rocking the boat or going outside my comfort zone or that stupid thing called "fear of failure." Fear of starting something is what it should be called. My fears this time are more tangible. I fear the loss of a relationship, of course, and of trying to find a way to get through that. I also fear, though, how things would end if they do with M. He is a hard person. That makes me afraid in a more solid way. I have so much work to do to leave this place I am in, whether metaphorically or in actuality - or a combination of both. I am ready for it, I think, really ready for it this time. I sincerely apologize to everyone who has had to listen to me time and again. I feel like such a fool for stumbling through life as I have. By the same token, I am happy for other things about myself, so my life hasn't been a complete and utter loss. Yes, I know I am being scattershot.
Anyhow, there is no new news right now. Life goes on. I love my family and my friends, and I hope they know that. That's really what matters the most.
I took some photos today - nothing very good, but still - I have become used to sharing something of my world with you before I open my mouth. I don't have time today. I will share tomorrow. Meanwhile - ta. Best to you all, and love.
2 comments:
You silly goose, I enjoy reading your words. Not because I like hearing you are stressed or unhappy, but because I know they are coming from an honest, kind, intelligent woman who happens to be trying her damnedest to get Life to cooperate with her. I like the idea of you having that moment outside with the tree. Often the most simple moments are really the most significant. You know where you fit in, what's in your heart. That will always be a part of your life. As far as fear of failure, uh, yeah... I know a bit of that. Truly, know that you aren't alone, ok? Draw on that peaceful feeling you had today, keep it close.
Hey Anne,
Oh, but it's hard be. I think it's the art of being loving and gentle with ourselves that we need most.
Sending you all good.
Love and peace to you.
Post a Comment