Here I am at the lab - work - the night before the big surgery. The small surgery. Whatever you want to call it. I'm the one going under the knife and needle, so we'll call it the big surgery.
At any rate, here is my old blog, the one I killed because I was being a paranoid nitwit:
http://annelp.wordpress.com/
Of the tiny population who reads, these words will come as no revelation. Others may wish to peruse it, though it is only more of the same of what you see here. Which is to say, pretty mundane. I just wanted to put it out there.
_______________________________
(line across the notes)
I was thinking about a lot of things tonight, especially because my brain is kind of preoccupied with the knee area being cut open tomorrow. Normally, it would be concerned with its eternal preoccupation with itself and all of its emotional difficulties (kicks self in shin).
At any rate, said brain's thoughts have drifted to something my boss reported. He told me in my review last year that I am passive-aggressive because I'm late all the time. I think he might be right. I was indignant at the time because - NO! I'm not passive aggressive! That's other people, not me! And also, I'm always late! But why? Why am I late? It occurred to me tonight that it is in fact a passive-aggressive act. By being late, I'm telling you that you don't matter. What I had going on before was much more important, so - hi. I'm late. Not such a nice thing to think about oneself, but a good thing to learn, for sure, especially because the behavior fits, and so does the grey matter behind the actions. It has made me think more clearly about my motivations and behaviors.
Ok, I'm done being introspective. Right now, I'm really wishing I was someone else. Or something else. I would be a... hmm. Every creature I think of faces so much risk. I would be a grey wolf, a dolphin, a coral, a tree. I will settle for being me at this moment. I'm stuck with myself, whether I like it or not.
Bye.
17 January 2007
Hi there.
Here I am at the lab - work - the night before the big surgery. The small surgery. Whatever you want to call it. I'm the one going under the knife and needle, so we'll call it the big surgery.
At any rate, here is my old blog, the one I killed because I was being a paranoid nitwit:
http://annelp.wordpress.com/
Of the tiny population who reads, these words will come as no revelation. Others may wish to peruse it, though it is only more of the same of what you see here. Which is to say, pretty mundane. I just wanted to put it out there.
_______________________________
(line across the notes)
I was thinking about a lot of things tonight, especially because my brain is kind of preoccupied with the knee area being cut open tomorrow. Normally, it would be concerned with its eternal preoccupation with itself and all of its emotional difficulties (kicks self in shin).
At any rate, said brain's thoughts have drifted to something my boss reported. He told me in my review last year that I am passive-aggressive because I'm late all the time. I think he might be right. I was indignant at the time because - NO! I'm not passive aggressive! That's other people, not me! And also, I'm always late! But why? Why am I late? It occurred to me tonight that it is in fact a passive-aggressive act. By being late, I'm telling you that you don't matter. What I had going on before was much more important, so - hi. I'm late. Not such a nice thing to think about oneself, but a good thing to learn, for sure, especially because the behavior fits, and so does the grey matter behind the actions. It has made me think more clearly about my motivations and behaviors.
Ok, I'm done being introspective. Right now, I'm really wishing I was someone else. Or something else. I would be a... hmm. Every creature I think of faces so much risk. I would be a grey wolf, a dolphin, a coral, a tree. I will settle for being me at this moment. I'm stuck with myself, whether I like it or not.
Bye.
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8 comments:
I'm thinking of you! All my healing powers--soon we might be comparing running mileage- wouldn't that be swell?
Don't sweat the review. I think more likely; passive aggressive was the catch phrase of the week in the boss’s micro-management manual. Being late isn't passive aggressive, it might be an overly optimistic, as in thinking you have more time, or maybe it's just a bit of disorganization, or maybe a even procrastination based in low self esteem, or it could be vanity if it's because you want to look nice. Maybe, it's just mornings. I know for me, they move too fast and I move too slowly. Sometimes it's dread if I've had a bad day before.
Nope, I'm convinced that your boss is paranoid and possibly a little self involved to think that you’d have that much invested in him.
So there you go, off the hook.
I used to be late all the time too and then I realized, as you said that "I'm telling you that you don't matter", which is rude. I also realized that I being late created chaos or crisis in my life and I was addicted to that feeling. I decided to stop doing that and I'm usually early now, once in awhile I slip up. My mother however, is another matter.
Good luck with the surgery
Hey, break a leg today!
Oh, wait...that's not right, is it?
Good luck! I'm sending you all the 'good surgery' vibes I can muster!
hope you're back in circulation soon. surgeries take a lot out of you.
[placing healing hands on screen]
get well soon!
I guess that passive aggressive comment makes some sense, but here's the thing about passive aggressive categorization: it always requires that the person labeling the other as p-a is assuming that an action is directed at someone else. Some times that just isn't the case. When I think of passive aggressive behavior, I think of things done willfully against another in a subversive way. Sometimes being late is just being late.
Good luck with the surgery tonight. :)
Good Luck! I hope everything goes well. I'm sure you'll be up in no time!
Hope your surgery went well. I'm so glad they let you wear your undies so you at least had that little piece of security to hold onto. I have a niece that had the same issue when she had her knee surgery.
Oh geez, I'm late again, aren't I? And NO, it's not because you don't matter! It's because I'm just running far behind. I wish I could have said 'good luck' before your surgery, but I'll think the best possible thoughts for a speedy recovery and the best outcome. Take care! =)
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