Hard to say....

...what's going on in my life right now. Or, perhaps more honestly, I don't really want to say. The past several days have been a nightmare much of the time, with a few bright moments of clarity. I don't think it's wise or perhaps even necessary, at least at this juncture, to disclose what's going on - perhaps in time. I'll say right off the bat that it has nothing to do with M., except that he's part of my life of course; this time, the bad stuff is all about me and my behaviors. I've discussed what's happening with Shannon, naturally; her conclusion is that recent events may portend a better, brighter future, despite the current tribulation. And trust me when I say it is tribulation. I've spent the weekend reevaluating who I am, who I really am, and who I want to be. It's funny how different the actual "you" can be from the "you" you've held in your head your whole life. I've been ashamed and humbled. As I think I've said before - and if I haven't I'm saying it now - honest self-evaluation might well be one of the toughest exercises there is in life. I'm talking utterly honest, no self-story-telling self-evaluation, more akin to stripping the layers of one's soul down with a scalpel blade than to the sort involving journaling and gentle discussion. There's nothing gentle about looking at yourself under the harsh wattage of reality, with no loving fictional self-accounts and sans the lenses through which your loved ones see you. And that's where I am. I thought I was ready for this when I started this blog; as it turns out, I wasn't. I am now, though. I know this with my gut. I am scared. I'm afraid I won't be able to do it. I'm terrified that I will turn to old, familiar habits, as damaging as they are - better the hell you know than the great unknown, right? Wrong - I'm not going to slide back down. It's going to take a lot of effort, and I'm not going to be able to do it alone. One of my failures is that I've often been unwilling to seek or accept help when I need it. Several years ago, in a place in some ways darker than where I am now, I did learn to embrace the offer of help. I need to do so again now, today, and in the coming months. And so, another new beginning. Life is full of them, I'm finding. And maybe that's a good thing. Shannon, thank you my dearest dear one for always being there for me.