Again with the cat pictures!

Shelby's "dead cat" pose slung over my left shoulder

A flattering view of both of us. And yes, I know how awful I look, but she's hugging me! I had to post it.

So. How were your weekends? Mine was largely uneventful. I'm feeling disgruntled this morning, and I've already fallen behind on the work I'm supposed to be doing today. (which is this: tying up loose tops on huge blocks of apple trees, which will take me the rest of the day; I have more than that to do, but I can't see having time to do it. once again, I am going to be staying late every day this week.) I am also feeling guilty - I haven't called friends or family in over a week. I've just been too tired and mentally out of sorts. Hopefully I'll stop with the antisocial irritability sometime soon because it's even wearing me out.

As you can see, I have nothing of real consquence to say. I guess there's one thing - I've decided to take on a new task, in addition to the Big Job Hunt this summer - I'm going to order the materials to possibly take the wildlife rehabber's licensing exam next year. This is something I've wanted to do for a very long time. I say "possibly" because between nursing school and working full time I'm going to be pretty much flat out busy for what will seem like a hundred years... but lately I've been lying awake at night intensely worried about the increasingly rapid passage of time. I need to do some things that I know I will love, other people's opinions and my own schedule be damned. I am starving for something like that. I feel as though I'm on a giant hamster wheel of work, school, house cleaning, worry about money, and constant anxiety over my relationship. It's exhausting. I know I'm certainly not alone in this - the world is a sea of people just like me. I just don't want to wake up when I'm 80 (if I should make it that far) wondering why I spent my life trying to please everyone else. So, yeah. Wildlife rehab. (shout out to Sher - http://whatdidyoueat.typepad.com/)

Well, I'd better get my grumpy carcass out to the orchard. Until later, ta.

Happy weekends to you.

Blurry condiments, for black bean burritos with goat cheese

The photo is apropos of nothing, other than dinner. Last week's dinner, really! I liked the colors, but I couldn't get the camera to focus. Oh, well.

I am tired, having been out in the sun all day. It's been a tiring couple of days here at work - I have done next to no emailing and essentially no reading of blogs, but for a few. I will have a chance next week; meanwhile, I once again apologize for the lack of comments, if you care or are wondering.

What more can I say? I'm a bit done-in at the moment. No plans for the weekend, really, aside from the usual housework, and I will probably have to do some work on the outside of the house too. I feel grumpy and slightly resentful about that for reasons I don't really want to get into. Well, blah. So very very boring. My apologies.

Seeya Tuesday.

Quickie

Hiya. No real time to write, but I wanted to point out this website: http://www.petswithdisabilities.org I stumbled across it in my search for jobs (don't ask; sometimes I go far afield and get trapped by certain sites, such as this one). They are doing a wonderful service. If you want a pet, please do not go to a pet store to get it. There are too many needy critters out there who would make wonderful companions - buying an animal from a pet store leaves those critters one more home shy of a permanent place to live, and it supports puppy/kitten/bird/reptile mills. Even if you can't take care of a special needs pet, please adopt from your local shelter. Above all, get your pet spayed or neutered! This has been a public service announcement. Please please keep it in mind.

Quick and dirty

A quick post about my work - unfortunately, not the orchard work (hopefully tomorrow) - but the inside-ish work. I think I will love this job forever, as much as I complain about it. Where else would I love all of my coworkers, be able to work outside and with plants (my dearest loves, most of the time), and still do some science? Only here.

The dreaded apple boxes. I think I've been scrubbing these guys (and their ilk) for 3 months now, between other projects. They hold apple trays during experiments, are incredibly heavy (the ones in the foreground, at any rate), and there are hundreds of them. This is only a small sample, drying and waiting to be stored.

This is a sample of my potting efforts recently. It looks like nothing, but it's really quite a lot of effort to get these guys into pots, and into a potting mixture that I put together myself. With my muscles. Indeed. Ahem. In the foreground are cedars; in the background are apple trees. A dozen of their compatriots have since been planted in the orchard. This is the trough with water and quaternary ammonium where I soak and scrub the dreaded apple boxes. I actually have muscle from lifting those cinder blocks on and off of the boxes repeatedly, for hours at a time.

The dreaded garlic mustard (Alliaria petiolata),

an invasive species, encountered just outside the greenhouse.

The dirt pile (also dreaded). This is about 200 meters from where I had to take it to mix it with other components to pot trees. I have cursed at this pile a number of times, mostly because of its rock content.That's it. I just wanted to give you a quick picture of what I'm doing as we speak. So exciting.

More later!

Attack Cat

Leaning squinty-eyed into the attacking hand

Employing teeth and back feet in pursuit of The Hand Grrrr The Hand sometimes gets the best of an Attack Cat, which is soon picked up and kissed all over, much to the chagrin of Attack Cat,and much to the good for the owner of The Hand. The end.

Completely cheesy, to be sure, but the photos alone are funny (to me, anyway). The captions leave much to be desired, but I am busy and very tired.

I wish I had more time to write. I really don't right now, though. In lieu of more writing (maybe I will stay a bit after work to say a few more things - my head is ready to explode at the moment and writing is a reliable way to drain that tension off...)... I give you this entry from Sher of What Did You Eat? http://whatdidyoueat.typepad.com/what_did_you_eat/2007/01/macncheese_off.html#more

This is what I just had for lunch, and I loved it. I have made this dish twice now, and I highly recommend it. The tomatoes add such a lovely juicy/freshness to the mac & cheese, and the thyme is essential.

Well, back to work. Ta.

Sorry for the silence.

Once again, I have a lot on my mind - stuff from the old days, so to speak, that is making me think about why I have done some of the things that I have in my life. These musings are not new, but I feel as though I abandoned my search for answers a few years ago. I think I'm ready to start looking again. I'm not sure I should write about the things I really need to on this blog - there are too many who know me here, and I don't want to inadvertently hurt or scare anyone. There's nothing to be worried about - I have no plans to hurt myself, and I'm not going to be talking about anyone but me by name if the information is negative. What I'm thinking about is just too sensitive for this space. I suppose that begs the question, "Why put it out there at all?" I guess the answer is this: maybe I can help someone with my words, and maybe someone can help me. If you're interested in reading what I write elsewhere, you're free to email me at: annebrev@hotmail.com Meanwhile, I'll try to post here more regularly with the usual boring banter of my life. Speaking of which, I have some new cat pictures to share with you all! I can hear the collective intake of breath - your excitement is almost palpable. I'll post them at lunch! Ta for now.

Seriously?

Holy moly. I think I may have had a visit from someone amazing on this blog. (note to self: please, please figure out how to put credit where credit is due on the sidebar. thanks.) (also - you, my friends who read? You are also amazing. I am speaking to a different facet of amazingness.) You know how this blog is called "The Flying Mobulas"? Some of you may have read why I named it that, some of you may not have. It's in reference to some gorgeous work by Paul and Michael Albert, both photographically and in writing - I posted about it thus (apparently, I don't know how to link to my own posts, so I'm just posting the whole thing; I don't have time right now to do any more than that): "An explanation regarding the blog title: I have had blogs elsewhere for going on three years. One I deleted because it simply became too raw, too personal. The second one should have been left standing, but in a moment of stupidity I deleted that one as well. And so... here we go again!My decision to blog at all stems from a need to write things out. I've kept journals since I was a child, on and off; for me, writing is the easiest form of communication. One thing I've learned is that - surprisingly - it is also one of the easiest ways for me to communicate with myself, so to speak. Many times what comes out on the keyboard has more clarity for me than the thoughts swirling in my own head. So, that's the first reason I blog - to work things out. Secondly, I have things that do need to be worked out. Right now my life is not in a particularly good place. I want to remove myself from this place, though at the moment I'm not quite sure how to do that. This is a start. And lastly, I have found the blogging community to be very supportive in times when I need a hand up. I discovered that I am not alone, though I may feel that way. This has helped me immeasurably. I seem to live my life very much through words - my own and those written by others. I don't know why that is, but it has always been thus. I used to wonder why, but I just accept it as a fact of my life at this point. It's not that I want to avoid human interaction, nor am I incapable of conversation - it's just that the written word is a part of the foundation of who I am. That's all.And finally - the title of the blog. A year or so ago, a friend of mine sent me a link to a fantastic set of pictures, accompanied by a truly lovely essay. The photo series is of mobulas, a genus of rays. Just looking at the pictures of these gorgeous creatures and reading the words of the essay lifted my spirits - there is such freedom in the flying mobulas. The author finishes his essay with a quote from Steinbeck about the "joyful survival of sea life." These ideas appeal to me very much - I crave freedom, I hunger for joy and beauty. I seek, to use the same phrase, joyful survival. The essay by Paul and Michael Albert is very inspiring to me for these reasons... hence the title of the blog. Please visit the essay and photos here: http://www.malbertphoto.com/mobulas1.html" --------------------------------------- Anyhow, it would seem that Paul Albert left a note on my last post. Silly, ignominious thing that it was. Rather embarrassing. At any rate, this would be a good time to visit said work - I came by this name, blogwise, in earnest, and it seems now is a good time to be reminded that indeed, life should be about joyful survival! Indeed.

Ayiii....

...the lack of posting - and the lack of perusing my fellow bloggers blogs - it is killing me. I have no time at all to blog, other than to string together one or two thoughts and then I'm off again. I could really use the writing outlet, as there is much to write/cogitate about happening in my life right now. However, there are moldy apple boxes to be soaked and scrubbed. I am ON FIRE with excitement over this particular mission. On fire, I say. Fire. In other news, I keep having dreams about my ex. We're talking dreams for almost every night, nigh on six months now. These are not bad dreams in any sense, though I always wake up feeling very sad. I'm not one to pick dreams apart, but I would guess these dreams have at least a smidgeon of meaning. I'm not in the mood to do a public analysis, though. Moving on. I had a little bit of a revelation today - barring any bodily catastrophe, I could succeed anywhere. I could live anywhere, I could do with far less than I have right now, and I would be fine. I don't really have a lot right now, not being of the materialistic bent nor of a flush income... but I do have plenty. And I could part with it. Most of what I prize is letters and cards from people, and a few cherished items of clothing. There are a few knick knacks too, I suppose, but not a lot. All of my desire to hold onto these things comes from the fact that I love the people who gave them to me, love them wholly and still. And moving, for that matter. At any rate, I hope to be able to read some blogs tomorrow, and maybe to write more than these little scraps. Ta for now.

No time to write, but...

I passed my BP test! Yay! Deb (http://tiredmummy.blogspot.com) - thank you so much for your advice and your words of encouragement. I so very much appreciate both. Thanks to everyone who wished me well - I needed every bit of prayer and good thought. Gotta get back out into the orchard now. I think I'll be able to post some newer photos now that I'm not constantly thinking about this blood pressure thing. I'll remember to bring my camera with me, at any rate! Alrighty, then. I'm off.

For lack of a better photo

I give you cedar-apple rust,

pre-orange tentacles

I had meant to make a series of this particular lesion/organism, but life thought better of my plans and they got lost. I would love to be able to post about rust because, man, what an ingenious and alien-looking critter it is... but, alas, I don't think I'll have time. I would refer you to Rurality - http://rurality.blogspot.com/2007/03/orange-goo.html . I think she might have other photos of rust, too - it is truly an odd organism. The thing you see above is a prelude to jelly-like orange tentacles - it's quite amazing.

In other news - I have very little time to write, so I'll be brief - I have my blood pressure exam tomorrow morning, and I am not at all convinced that I will pass. I'll let you know.

My Women in the Outdoors classes went quite well. My assessment: I already knew everything they told me about wilderness survival and first aid. I need a more in-depth class to be able to learn something. However, it was lovely to be outside and the instructors did a good job. I also took a landscape sketching class, which was nice, but I'm not an artist and I got frustrated and started drawing moss and pine needles and acorn hats and lichens. I suck as an artist. In the afternoon, I took rifle and shotgun classes. I love shooting a shotgun! I have a bruise now on my shoulder, but still... it was very fun shooting trap. I ended up being pretty good at it, which is a bit strange given my spatial skills. I liked the rifle too, and my groupings on the paper we were shooting were relatively close together. I shot a 12 gauge shotgun and 22 caliber rifle, single shot and with a magazine. On the whole, it was a good day. I have stories to tell about it, but I don't have time right now. I am glad I went.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I'll write more tomorrow, maybe. If not then, soon.

Ta.

Moo.

Blurry daffodil

Howdy. I am very, very tired today - physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm not feeling particularly depressed, though, which is good. I'm just really tired. I've been working outside most days for the past month plus now, and I have developed new respect for farmers, landscape people, construction workers, tradespeople, and the like. It's tiring, lemme tell you, lifting and pulling and digging and shoving and hauling and dealing with recalcitrant machinery. The omnipresent biting flies and the heat and humidity and dirt and oil are icing on the cake of outdoor work. Of course I'm also keyed up over the whole blood pressure debacle and have managed to convince myself that I won't be able to do it, so I've also been living with a sort of low-grade dread every waking moment. Yep. I'm an Olympic quality worrier, there's no question. The next - and last - blood pressure test happens next Tuesday morning. We shall see what we shall see.

I repeat - I do like the outdoor work most of the time. I see and hear gazillions of birds, I get to watch butterflies and occasionally frogs and deer and woodchucks, chipmunks, and rabbits. I am witnessing the season's progression instead of being locked away in a windowless lab. It's good stuff, and I'm guessing now and the coming months will represent the only time in my life when I get to do the sorts of things I'm doing and get paid for it. I suppose what I'm trying to say here is that I appreciate it - it's just that I'm weary at the moment.

I'm going to that Women in the Outdoors seminar tomorrow from 8 to 5 - I'm kind of looking forward to it and kind of feeling too tired and antisocial to go. I signed up for rifle and shotgun lessons, as well as outdoor first aid and wilderness survival. My back-up activities are landscape sketching and hiking. I'm not sure why I chose the sketching bit - I'm not especially artistically inclined. The hiking one is a little silly, too - I know how to hike, and I know how to prep to hike, especially here in the NE. Ah, well. It'll be an interesting day, I'm sure, and maybe I'll make a friend or two. My father has warmed to the idea at this point, which is a welcome thing; M., however, is sulking about the fact that I'm going to be away all day. We had talked about tree shopping on that day, which I'd kind of forgotten in the midst of final exams and hectic work schedules. It annoys me that he's behaving like this; it's not as though I ever really do anything for myself. He tried to pick a fight about it last night, but I just wasn't having any part of that nonsense. There is, after all, nothing at all wrong with what I'm going to do, and we can tree shop any time now that I'm out of school. Kind of ironic how both of the men in my life objected to this outing of mine. Meh, I say.

Well, time to embark on the day's work. Today I shall be fertilizing 400 or so trees, scrubbing moldy apple boxes (charming!), taking branch diameters on 200 tree limbs, and possibly potting yet another shipment of trees. Which, yeah, more wheelbarrowing of heavy, heavy dirt. Jocularity!

First, though, one more cup of coffee and perhaps a sound slap on the face. Must wake up...

Until later, then - ta.

-------------------------------------

Edited to add: I just got my final exam grade in the email from my professor - I got a 90 on the final, which brings me up to a 90 for the whole class. A nice, solid B. I prefer A's, of course, but I'll take this happily and run with it. Now, to pass the blood pressure test....

Earlier spring

Dutchman's Breeches

(Dicentra cucullaria)

I took that photo quite awhile ago; just wanted to share it. Meanwhile, I am going to remain silent. The exam last night was a bit crappy, and not because I don't know my stuff. I do. Isn't the pancreas generally found in the left ankle? No? Hmm.

At any rate, I'm going back out to the orchard. I only have another five months left, so I'd rather be out there when I can than in here brooding.

I'll check back in later.

Temporary hiatus

(she announces belatedly) I was off work yesterday to study & off early Friday to have my ears tested & irrigated. That latter was quite the experience! I have my final exam tonight. Naturally, I don't feel ready. Ah, well. It will go how it will go. I spent a goodly number of hours studying for it, but I've learned not to try guessing how I'm going to do because it seems I just never know. A week from today, I have the dreaded blood pressure re-test. As it turns out from my encounter with buckets and buckets of hydrogen peroxide, water, and colace flush, I did have (and yes, this is gross) enormous, hardened wax plugs occluding both ear canals. In the before- and after-flush hearing tests, the right ear improved dramatically; the left has genuine high-frequency hearing loss. The doctor gave me a referral to an audiologist for that, should I choose to pursue it. Meanwhile, I also think I'll get myself a better stethoscope. I won't be getting the amplified one just yet (after much discussion with the doctor, nurses, and my parents), but a better scope might give me an extra edge. So - there you have it. I've done just about all I can do to prepare - and I'll continue to practice on blood pressure volunteers here and probably around the neighborhood at home. I'm out in the orchard all day, counting apple blossoms. It's a lovely, lovely change from hauling soil, and a far cry nicer than working with rotten apples and mold. It's a stunningly beautiful day, and the birds are singing up a storm. The flowers are so pretty - delicate and sweet - so it's actually quite a treat to be out there. The only bad thing is that I can't really sneak in a little studying here and there when I'm in the field. Ah, well. I guess that's it for now! I need to get out in the orchard to take some apple blossom photos - I am an idiot and I missed both the peaches and the apricots. I make myself so mad - this is my last spring here, so I've missed my chance for those photos. Sigh. I missed the plums and pears, too. Just for the record, my favorite apple blossoms are from the Mutsu - they're huge and sexy and silky, and the buds are softly striped like candy pillows. I really do need to get out there tomorrow with the camera. (p.s. hilarity - this just never gets old - I'm sitting very, very still because there is a blue jay on the line outside my window making the red tailed hawk call. I've never had quite such a close view of this behavior - and boy does it make me laugh.) Ta!

Spring!

How could I not witness spring, despite my troubles? Here is a photo from about a week and a half ago - now the leaves are coming out like mad, so this is a rare shot. I have other photos, and I want to get more. My camera is pooped out at the moment, though, and my brain is too.

I'm tired. I think I may have now crossed the million mile mark with that phrase. Perhaps I was born tired. This world is, after all, kind of tiring. It would be nice to just bounce around all day, though, wouldn't it? I can't right now, though. However, the blue skies and the bird song and even the dirt I'm working with right now are reminders that life is precious, even when I feel like poking it in the eye. Several times. I don't have to jump off of a bridge in consternation over a blood pressure reading. If nothing else, I'll be dead soon enough. (yes, that would be my tired and fatalistic thinking pushing itself rudely to the fore)

At any rate, pretty buds. I'll post more photos tomorrow.

Ta.

Bad news.

Well, I had my nursing assessment final last night. I did not pass. I should qualify that - I passed everything except the diastolic number of the blood pressure. I just couldn't hear it. I don't know what the problem was. I'd been on a tractor for several hours close to the time of the exam, but I have no idea if that affected how I was hearing. I was diagnosed with mild hearing loss in January at my physical, but it hadn't caused me problems with taking BP's all semester. I went to the lab many times to practice on the mannequins (the same ones I was tested on), and my readings were always either right on or within 2 mm's Hg. In the clinical, I was checked by instructor, classmates, and the electronic BP machine many times, and my readings were fine. Last night, though... I could hear the systolic but not the diastolic - I consistently called it too soon. What does this mean? It means that I have to go back in a week after the final lecture exam and do another BP. If I don't hear it, I fail the entire course. I have made an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow to have my ears rechecked and possibly irrigated. I am looking into buying a (very expensive - $200 - $400) amplifying stethoscope. And I am practicing. There isn't much else I can do. I am scared to death that I am going to fail. I can't believe it is coming down to something like this. I guess that's all for now. If you are so inclined, I would appreciate your prayers. Good thoughts are welcome too. Until later, ta.

This is the face...

...of someone who doesn't believe that transplanting 200 trees into pots is going to take "just 8 to 10 hours of work." Nope. Not buying it. Can you see the disbelief - nay, the outright suspicion in these eyes? Sure, transplanting trees would be a breeze if one could simply pull dirt from a handy pile. Not so breezy, though, when you have to wheelbarrow the soil (after digging it out of a heap that's been sitting there for 3 years) about 200 meters, then pull peat from another pile, then lime and fertilizer and perlite from another pile (none of which are convenient to the main pile), then mix it all by hand. No, not so breezy at all. How many trees does this work get planted? One pile of all components = 8 trees. YOU do the math, because I just refuse.

No, the photos aren't flattering. Who am I trying to impress, though? Fewer and fewer people, really. So there you have it!

(grumps off back to work)

(and yes, I know I have said I like physical labor. I do! it's just that unrealistic deadlines and looming exams take a toll on my theoretical adoration of said labor.)

____________________

Edited to add: what's really flattering about those photos is the fact that you can see where I've picked at my skin - yay! Also, that is dirt in the second photo, not freckles or fleas. By the way - I have kind of a tall forehead, don't I? I never realized until just now. Hmm. Ok, now back to the hot, hot greenhouse.

Sorry for the paucity of writing...

Shelby says hello

I've been so very, very busy. I think I've sat at my desk for all of 20 minutes over the past three or four weeks. I am also having some crashing issues with my computer, and I have no time to try any fixes right now, so every time I sign on it seems I end up crashing in the middle of an entry or an email and then it's back out into the field with me.

Tonight is my final assessment for this semester - I am very nervous. I also got the last slot for testing, which pisses me off a little - I was still up finishing patient care when my instructor decided to let everyone else pick times for evaluation. My test, therefore, is at 9:30 tonight. I guess the flip side of that is the fact that I'll have a few hours after work to brush up before I walk into the lab. If we screw up, we have one more chance some time tomorrow - and if we screw up then too, we flunk the entire semester. No pressure. I should be ok, so long as I don't rush and I take time to think through the steps of each skill set.

Anyhow... today I am planting trees again. It's dirty, tiring work. I think that's been the hardest thing for me over the past month - I'm using my brain a lot at night in class/lab/clinical after 8 to 10 hours of hard physical labor, pretty much every single day. I'm pretty exhausted. The disappointing thing is that I'm still a big chubba even after all of this - AND I look wan and tired. And now with sunburn, too! Lookout, catwalk, here I come. Ah, well. One more week of this, then I'm free from school till late August.

So, yeah - quite a boring little post. My apologies. I wish I could write more but I just do not have the time right now. Until later, then, ta.

p.s. I miss reading all of your blogs - I try to catch up when I can, though frequently I don't have time to leave a comment. Once school is out I might have a little more time at lunch and at the end of the day to visit. Please know, however, that I'm thinking of you regardless of my silence. I won't name names, but you probably know who you are, my friends!

Mollified.

Just checking in quickly to say: I'm not upset with my dad anymore. I called my parents last night, and my poor mother listened to me rant and rave about what my dad said... and then I talked to said dad, and things have been smoothed over. That's all for now - I just felt bad leaving a mean post at the top of the heap. Over and out - much work to do. Ta.