Acer saccharinum
(taken through the windshield of my car, in traffic)
I'm feeling better today. I'm very tired, with the puffy eyes of a poor night's sleep, but I'm calm and peaceful. Gotta appreciate these feelings when they're present! I've been thinking about Crazy Aunt Purl's latest horoscope for Pisces; it really hit home. If you don't read Aunt Purl, you should - here: http://www.crazyauntpurl.com/ , see her March 7th entry for the horoscopes she writes. I don't generally put any stock in horoscopes... but I do seem uncannily Pisces-like much of the time. For whatever that's worth. At any rate, she put into words something that has settled into my head over the past few days, namely, "So I think that this month (and all the way into the summer) you need to take YOURSELF on as an art project. Evaluate your raw materials, make a list (both a to-do list and a shopping list) and get to work excavating the treasure within." Of course, the words fit neatly into my usual m.o. - the need for constant new beginnings and self-improvement schemes - but this feels a little different. Less manic, more like something that is past due, and something I can do slowly and carefully.
Time is going by altogether too fast, and I don't want to spend what remains of my (relative) youth in the murk of depression and avoidant behavior. I want to grow instead of fleeing from growth. I want to be alive instead of holing up inside my head. I've been neglecting myself in almost every way - physically, emotionally, spiritually. My intellect has been getting a workout, but only because I'm forced to work it for school. I have begun to really dislike myself, and I've never had great self-esteem to begin with. It's not difficult to understand why - would you like someone who wasn't even coming close to living up to their potential? Who trickled along through life like some kind of perpetual leak? Anyhow, enough of the bellyaching. I'm sick of the way I am and I need to change. I just need to keep in mind that I cannot change overnight, or even within a month - not a lot, anyhow. One step at a time. One day at a time. I didn't come to be in this state overnight, certainly.
I feel ok about it. And - thank you once again, all of you - Shannon, Jeci, Deb, Lu, Livewire, L., LittlePea, Roxanne, Ron F., Jenn, Sher.... and anyone I've left out (with all due apologies). Knowing that someone is listening - and keeping in mind the good things you all tell me - is a wonderful, helpful thing indeed. Thank you for being there for me.
6 comments:
I don't know if you have to change yourself so much as learn to love yourself. You need to learn some new skills to help you enjoy your life more but I doubt there's anything wrong with you, just as you are.
I'm an odd person, odd because I'm a mixture of many extremes. I feel deeply, laugh loudly, act rashly but I'm learning to see that all of that is okay, it's just the way I am. I'll never be graceful, suave, floating through life. I'll probably always bump along but that's okay now. Different isn't bad, it's just different. It's okay to be who you are.
I'm so glad you're feeling a little bit better.. I'm going through a similar 'thing' right now myself. Should I go back to school-should I just get a job and shut up-should I have a baby- am I 'being' what I'm supposed to 'be'...I figure life isn't just going to happen, I have to participate. But where to begin is the dilehma. I heard someone say once, you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now but you're still on the road so don't sweat it.
Hey there, I really wish there was something I could do. I have been having similar conversations with myself.
I don't have anything coherent to say right now, but I just wanted to say I care, I feel your hurt also, and I think you deserve so much more kindness and happiness.
-ron
Something else you should remember is that acknowledging that you need change does not instantly mean that you're ready for it. Take this time, store up your strength, plan your "art project". And then, when you're ready, you'll know it and you'll already have your plan for changing things. Start with small things that will help build up your strength and then it'll snowball from there.
I love you too Anne.
Thinking of you and hoping that you can allow yourself to take things one step at a time. Life can seem so overwhelming if we let it (I know easier said than done). But really, you deserve happiness and contentedness.
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