Thank you.

Bird on the day she died.

I wanted to thank all of you for your words after my last post. I hate writing that, once again, I'm down, depressed. I hate it. However, it is what is, and of my triumvirate of healing activities, writing seems to be the only one I'm doing (kind of) at present. The other two are seeking God and working out - those two things are calling to me, and I'm just sitting here in a fog ignoring the call. I think I'll be getting off my rear end soon, though, hopefully with regard to both.

I'm posting a picture of my feathered girl. I think I've been ignoring the emotional impact of a number of things that have happened in my life recently, and her death is one of them. It's much easier for me to go into my head and lock the door behind me, emotions be damned, thinking about real things be damned. La la la, fingers in my ears, that sort of thing. And then the emotions come squeaking out anyway - I freeze, speechless, in response to a verbal attack, or I absolutely lose it over a dead squirrel in the road. Somewhere in the midst of this there must be some balance, and it's not going to be found if I'm going to shut myself away from my own emotions, my responses to things occurring in my world. It's pathological, the way I go about feeling things a lot of the time. I certainly don't think it's unique to me - I think many people behave this way, and if not this way, some other way that isn't quite right or healthy. However, my behavior is impacting me in a bad way. I hate to say it's another thing on my endless list of things I need to address, but it is.

I think this goes along pretty well with what I said yesterday. I want to feel, to be alive, in the moment. I tend to keep things all stoppered up, and that is such a bad thing. I'm afraid to face things as they are in the moment. I hate conflict. I constantly want to flee to my head - I'm safe there, I think interesting thoughts, I see beauty, and I don't have to talk to anyone or feel anything. I guess that's not precisely true - I do feel things still, but they're more within my control. Usually. I know all of this isn't particularly healthy, but again, it is what it is. I'm looking to change.

Again, I want to thank you guys who read and take the time to comment here. Some of you I know in person, some of you I wish I did. Maybe someday! If I'm fortunate. All of you are dear to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

(I dedicate this post and much of my love and sadness to Bird)

Ta.