Who do I love?

Simon LeBon, John Taylor, Andy Taylor, Nick Rhodes, and Roger Taylor.

Indeed.

Seriously. They were so cute! I have spent the past few hours gobbling up old 80's videos, loving the music and also remembering why these guys had my heart in their hands, despite their ignorance of my existence. I don't have internet access at home, and I have no sound at work where I do have internet access, and holy cow, man! I can't stop listening to old music, watching old videos! (right now, "The Dangerous Type" by the Cars). It's been a festival of these bands: Duran Duran, New Order, Tears for Fears, Thompson Twins, Erasure, Pet Shop Boys, INXS, Depeche Mode, Howard Jones, Robert Plant (sans Zep), The Cure, The Fixx, and yes I know I am dating myself horribly. There are others. Which include... much to my embarassment, I suppose - Billy Squier. He was sexy, in a very strange way. (she said defensively).

I have failed to include in my list of bands that I would have been exploring in 9th grade: the Police (meh, yes, they're talented, but really no, not for me.), Kajagoogoo (who I will look up shortly), Rod Stewart (huh?...except I really did love the song "Baby Jane." Indeed.), REM (yes, I still like them), the Alarm (no comment, really), U2 (clearly they're fine without my help... and yes, I do still like them, mostly), and Tom Petty. And the Heartbreakers, I suppose. There are others. This is fun! I had no idea how fun it could be having the internet AND SPEAKERS! Yay! No poking fun. I'm allowed these little joys, right? Of course I am. Everybody wants me, according to Billy. Which means I can do pretty much anything.

Alrighty, then. Goodnight, I think!

Gorging myself...on the internet! Whee!

The bride. Ugh.

Hi there! So yeah, that's me there, pre-wedding. With the nice hair and hands emotive of my despair in trying to figure out how to apply makeup. And again - ugh. What does this have to do with internettiness? Well, all the reading I'm doing - writing by amazing women (those in my sidebar, and their links and commenters) who are honest and real and achieving actual growth. With grace, humility, clarity. I want to be them. I want to stop with all the whining, all the hand-wringing. I have said this on any number of occasions in the past, so I don't expect you to believe I'm suddenly going to burst free from whatever self-imposed chains I'm wearing right now. However, I am getting closer to bending the links of these chains. Gotta say again - it's the medication in the main... it frees me up to actually spend my energy on something other than trying not to die or drink myself to death. It's also my fantastic cadre of friends and family, who continue to love me and believe in me despite the preponderance of evidence that says maybe they shouldn't. It's the spring, my wonderful job, doing well in nursing school, physical activity - it's a lot of things. Point being, I'm starting to feel as though I might be able to make the changes that need to be made. I'm not there yet - I need to really think through what needs to be done, what I want, how things might play out. There is the danger of getting mired in these thoughts, paralyzed by the possibilities, so I will try hard to keep moving even as I think.

Anyway... sorry, I'm just tossing fragments of thought out there. I guess that's how it's going to work for now! On that note, I'm going shopping with my mom. I'm not the shopper - she is - but I do need to spend time with her, and so off we go! More later, and thank you for listening to my meanderings.

p.s.

I remember now why I always wanted to cancel sleep when I was a kid. If I always felt this way? I would never want to sleep until I just fell over dead or otherwise. I'm awake! And there's so much to learn live know learn! I love people and I hate them, and the same with life. Plants, animals? Love. Love! This life? I bite it, crunch it between my teeth. Brave words, I know, from someone who needs to make big decisions. Let it be, for these days. I am thinking, and I am trying to be who I am. It could be that I can't stand being otherwise when I go back to NY. That's all for now.

Again from Ohio

Anne, Dad, Shelby

Hello. I'm sitting here listening to my latest obsession in music, KT Tunstall. You missed my Britney Spears phase (which is actually still in progress) because I didn't talk about it. I am nothing less than a philistine with regard to music and that's fine. I will roll around in it, and it will still be fine - I will still stuff my head with whatever has caught my ear until my ear falls off and runs away. Indeed.

I am sitting here, yes, sitting. Thinking. I could live here. My parents would have me here in a heartbeat, and I miss them all the time. That's all, for now.

p.s. You see where I get the squinty eyes? It's in the genes!

OHIO!

Not Ohio, but this is my mom, and me looking incredibly dorky. What a surprise.

Again, not in Ohio, but this is me holding Pauly (from Catskill Animal Sanctuary, see links in sidebar), standing with my dad.

So - that's my way of saying hello from Ohio, and these parental types are who I am visiting. YAY! It's only Wednesday night, which means Le Heedee-uss final was last night. Holy cats, man. It seems like sooo much longer ago than a mere 24 hours. Funny how time stretches and compresses at the end of the semester. At any rate, here I am in Ohio. I arrived late this afternoon. I just spent a very enjoyable evening with my mom and dad - it's so very, very nice to see them. It's been way too long - over a year. I miss them every day, so it's great to be here, especially given the stress of late. I feel completely at ease here, though to be honest I'm still pretty keyed up. My dad says I'll probably feel like a new person by Saturday - he should know, having been through years more schooling than me. Simply, it's wonderful to be here.

I don't really have much to say right now - I'm pretty much running on fumes at this point - but I wanted to check in. The final was pretty horrid; I'll find out what I got on Friday. I had an A going into it, but I'm pretty certain I blew it last night. Ah, well. At least there was a nice cushion for me to do badly, right? I'll keep you posted. I'm sure you'll all be waiting with baited breath. Or is it bated? Bated isn't even a word, is it? Moving on.

I also wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support. Your words and kind thoughts mean more to me than you can know. I feel like I'm letting everyone down by talking about how things are and then doing nothing about it... but that's not actually true, at least not at this point. I said at the beginning of the year - mental health improvement and finishing my RN are my top priorities, and I'm getting those ducks in a row. Ultimately, things with my relationship have to change, that much is clear. For now, though, I don't think I can make big, sweeping changes with regard to it. Maybe that will change next week, maybe I'll be able to hold out to the end of the RN - I don't know. What I do know is that there will be change. (ed. note: if I write the word "change" one more time, I am going to kick myself in the shins. Good Lord. Yes, I'm exhausted and my mental thesaurus is thusly handicapped.) The better I feel and the closer I am to being finished, the stronger I get. I suppose that's all I have to say on that topic for the moment - I'm so tired my eyes are practically crossing. I hope I'm making some scrap of sense. I'll sign back in tomorrow. Again - thank you, thank you, thank you.... and take care.

So.

Since my life seems to be an open book lately, I suppose I can continue along those lines. Probably not the best decision I've ever made, but there it is. Or, rather - here it is.

I am feeling ashamed and grief-stricken and uncertain and more or less horrible today. Last night, I was meaner, crueler, than I think I have ever been to a human being on purpose. (I know I've been those things unintentionally in the past, though rarely, thank God) I went on the offensive against M., and I was like a crazy person. I spewed out every terrible thing I had ever thought, every slight I had ever felt, every resentment that had ever lurked in my mind, unspoken. To top it all off, I was also casually, pointlessly mean - I actually made a withering comment about his vocabulary and the way he talks. That is so incredibly low, I can't even believe I said it. I am mortified by the way I behaved. Being aggressively cruel like that just is not in my nature, at least not usually. In the end, he told me that he doesn't even like me anymore, that he wants a divorce, that he only hopes I will be as fair with him as I was with Marc. (note: I was fair to Marc materially and monetarily, I think, but I'm sure I wasn't necessarily fair emotionally. Just want to keep things clear.)

(deep breath) I do not know what I want at this point. I know what other people want for me, and I know I've been acting like a separation is what I desire, but on the brink of it now? I'm just not sure. Divorce is a terrible thing; it destroys so much. Break-ups are bad regardless, but to me it seems divorce is even worse than that. Vows spoken in a church are broken. That wedding dance you did, both of you so happy? That memory is smashed, along with so many others. It is heartbreaking on so many levels, I have a hard time even seeing through my tears to talk about them. I don't know what I am going to do, or how I am going to muddle through this; I don't know what to do. He may not give me a choice in the matter; if he files for divorce, I won't fight it. How can I? In the face of all the odds, I still think we have a chance. I don't know why I think that, but I do. I don't hate him, and when I step back from a situation I am too close to, I have focused too much on negatives, and I haven't tried hard enough to make things more positive between us. Instead, I have retreated into a shell, where I read books and study and avoid him. He has done the same, except that he goes into his shop, smokes cigars, listens to music, and fiddles with woodworking projects. We haven't communicated in any real way for a few years now. It's a little bit stunning to realize that. I am afraid of him, and he is, in his own way, afraid of me. How did we get here?

I don't think we are the best match known to man, certainly. We would both probably be better off either alone or with someone different. However, we are together, and that means something. When I go home tonight, I am going to lay all my cards on the table, apologize for being so awful, and then the ball will be in his court. That's all I can do right now.

Just as an addendum, let me say this: I know he has been cruel to me, verbally abusive, untrusting, and physically threatening. I'm not forgetting those things. It could be that there is no hope left. I just need to be sure. He is not a horrible human being, and it just kills me to see him hurting, especially when I am the cause of it. So - there you have it. That's where I am right now. It should be fun to see how much studying I can actually accomplish in the face of this. This pretty much sucks.

Over and out, then. I won't be in till Tuesday, unless by some miracle I am able to get enough study in to feel comfortable not taking Monday off. I wish you all the best. Take care of yourselves and your loved ones. Ta.

Briefly....

...I passed my final assessment for the semester! My lecture final is next Tuesday. More later.

Hi there.

I have no photos for you right now, as I am at my office on my way home from class - hence, no real time to download and edit. I am woefully behind on recording the goings on in the orchard, which makes me really sad. The apricots are already finished blooming, and so are some of the peaches. I'll certainly catch the apples, and hopefully some of the later peaches and the plums and pears. The apricot bloom is so incredibly brief it kind of amazes me. Their flowers are so pretty! Mayhap I can find one left on at least one of the trees tomorrow before the day's hijinks commence.

Tonight was my last night at clinical. Hurray! And also - gulp. I am not at all ready for the final lab exam OR the lecture exam, which are one week from tonight and two weeks from last night, respectively. EEP. One thing I can say most assuredly? THANK GOD it's almost over. Holy cats, man. I am so tired. I am also really, really sick of school. I know, wah, poor Anne, blah blah blah, etcetera. Sometimes I really am just a self-centered teenager, only with wrinkles and bad knees. It bears thinking about.

Moving on. Let's see... what else? Well, there's the farmer's tan I've got going on. My arms and face are fifteen times darker than the rest of my flesh. As long as I wear long pants and shirts with sleeves, I look ok. However - skirts? Shorter sleeves? Shirts open at the neck? HA HA HA! I look foolish. I'm not at all concerned about it, but it's still a pretty funny contrast. Hmm. Other stuff beyond melanocyte activity.... nope. I have nothing for you. Yes, there is stuff going on (finals approach, obviously, and I'm just starting to have trickles of panic penetrate my giant wall of denial)... but I am not really composed enough to address it properly. I really just wanted to sign in to once again remind my enormous fan base that I am actually alive. Guffaw, etc.

On that really poorly written note.... ta. I shall try to provide photographic fare tomorrow. Try not to hold your collective breath, ok?

ARGH! I need to bring a camera outside! Meanwhile, old pics...

Up the hill, through my windshield. I was trying to give you a perspective on the steepness of the hill, but you can't really tell, can you? Oh, well.

Down a row in the pond block - flags flying. If I ever talk about flagging trees, this is what I'm talking about. The flag colors match up with the fungicidal treatment the trees get.

Tiny Brassica, I think. Cute little baby.

Media (for bacterial growth plates) stirring, from above.

That same media, from the side. Boring, I'm sure, but still - here it is! Yay!

Photo one of an orchid we have here at work. Lovely, lovely thing. This is the second time it has bloomed since I've been here (4 years).

Another shot of the orchid.

Common mullein - fuzzy!

First flower of the season - coltsfoot. I love these guys.

Another view of a coltsfoot - I love them because they're out there in the starkness of March, no leaves, growing out of impossible looking ground. Pretty little things.

*******

Hi there! I've been away awhile. I am tired, just as tired as I was in the last entry. That's ok, though. Tired is good, sometimes. In the past, I often said I was tired when really I was being crushed under the weight of depression. It's actually kind of amazing that I didn't do more than cut myself a few times over the past few years - I was that down. I still continue to be amazed by the fact that I feel kind of normal, and occasionally giddily happy for no reason at all. It's nice, so nice!

If you still read here, and I haven't visited your blog lately, I apologize. I have been so busy, soooo so busy, and also distracted. And also? With regard to what I said above... I have some depression issues at the moment that would normally have had me completely snowed under. Funny - now I know it, which is a good thing. On the other hand, it's kind of scary how life-sucking depression is - if I felt the full brunt of what is scratching through the glass at me right now (all bristly and tooth-baring and angry), I would most certainly be doing very self-destructive things. Thank God (and Shannon, again - I have to keep saying this because she has helped me so much) that I am on medication. It's real, depression, and as I believe William Styron said, the word "depression" doesn't really cover it. Moving on.

The world outside is changing like crazy - so fast, so pretty! I've worked outside a lot lately, which is a total blessing, but I've been way too busy to carry a camera. I need to get out there (hopefully tomorrow) to capture what's happening in terms of bud-break and so forth, because it all happens so rapidly. We have bluebirds nesting in a box in one part of our orchard, and two eastern phoebes claiming territory in two other parts - it's just wonderful. The peepers (frog species) have been peeping like crazy for weeks now - I just adore being outside and hearing them. I can't believe how lucky I am to have this job. It's amazing.

School. I have entered a new era (well, it's kind of an old era for me, but it's new now because it's been absent for too long) - I have become Competitive Anne again. The reason? A 94 on my midterm and a 95 on the latest exam. I'm back in the game, and I want to continue to kick ass. I thank the meds, for sure - I wouldn't be doing so well if I wasn't taking them. I managed good grades before this, but not quite as high - and I don't even know how I did it, feeling as bad as I did. Anyhow, I feel good, and I want to chew up my final and spit it out. We shall see what we shall see, because I am not at all ready for it (two weeks hence). And, per usual, the final skills assessment scares the crap out of me - I perform badly when being watched one on one. Too bad I didn't major in drama instead of science.

Alrighty, then. I wish you all well, and I'm sorry for my lack of presence. I will check in now and then, and I hope to get some photos tomorrow to share with you. Ta for now.

Not dead, just busy.

Old view (a week and a half ago, maybe?) of buds and the weather shelter on the hill.

Clover in one of the potted trees - which need to be weeded by *someone* very soon!

Hiya. I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. Exam tonight, outdoor work much of the day today. I'm not complaining, I'm just tired. I probably won't sign in again till Thursday - I can't imagine I'll have any time tomorrow. Meanwhile, hello. And I hope you are all well, those of you who bother to read here. Until later, then, ta.

Hey there, folks!

Inside my beloved Gator

Foxtail grass in a potted tree

Shepherd's purse, potted tree

Farm equipment

First apple blooms, horticulture greenhouse

Hi there. How were your weekends? Mine was ok. Busy, lots of cooking and housework and studying (not enough of those two latter; I cooked like a maniac, though). I'm starting the week off tired, which kind of sucks. Meh. I completely forgot to take my meds all weekend, so I wonder if the tiredness and semi-poor attitude has anything to do with that? I have no idea. I'm back on them again, thank goodness.

Not much new to report. It's raining and cold and horrible here today. I pruned trees for something like 45 minutes before I had to retreat - sleet/snow/freezing rain drove me out of the orchard and back to the lab. It's discouraging because I'm such a molasses-slow pruner that every moment really does count. However, slush building up on the ladder rungs lends the job a bit more danger than I should probably be chancing, especially given my general lack of grace. I don't need any extra assistance in falling off of a ladder, thank you very much. I guess I'll be spending the rest of the day scrubbing apple boxes in the greenhouse. Which is also very cold, but at least it's under cover.

I guess that's it. Snore. Maybe more tomorrow - we shall see. One of these days I will write something vaguely interesting - I promise! Until later, then, ta.

Quite tired. In a good way.

Shadow legs.

Craggy old guy, right outside the fence of the orchard.

My girl. All the other stuff is extraneous.

I'm not really sure what I was doing with my arm here. Maybe pointing down the row? Showing how I carry the pruners? I have no idea. Dorkness. Anyhow, I am about 3/4's of the way through with pruning this row that you see here. It is slow-going because I am an uneducated ruffian with regard to tree-pruning. Good to be outside, though.

Blurry, and also - well, I was going to say I don't always look so grim. I do smile. I'm kinda tired right now, though, and the concentration on the self-portrait-taking seals the whole grimness deal. And yes, that is a zit that I could not stop picking at on the end of my nose. It would have been gone weeks ago if I'd left it alone.

The tiredness is from several days of outside work (YAY!), the usual school bit, and the shortness of sleep. Five, six hours per night? Anyway, lots of people work with that, and apparently I am among them, so why should I even mention it? Because I am being piteous, apparently. Moving on, then. I will sign in again tomorrow. Ta, and take care.

For lack of a more interesting greeting - hi.

Milkweed pod, sans seeds and silk.

Another in the series of Anne's obsession with grapevine twistiness

North forty on a cold March day. Nice to be outside anyway!

My darling Gator, who I love oh so much.

Hi there. I am tired. I was in a terrific mood earlier, and I kind of still am, I'm just tired. It's a long week by Wednesday these days, thanks to school. Anyhow - I have to say this: HURRAY FOR ANTIDEPRESSANT MEDICATION!!! I couldn't feel much more strongly about this. Before I started on it this time (note: I should never have gone off of it), I was starting to cut again in small doses.... but most people never even consider such things, as I understand it, so small doses of cutting are really too much. And now I'm not. I'm not even thinking about it. I am even-keel, and I have been ridiculously cheerful this week - I have gotten a number of unsolicited comments on this note from classmates and coworkers. It's nice to know that I've changed. That's not to say that I'm going to become some happybot, because that's just not the way these things work... it's just that, boy, I feel so much better. Capable of joy, capable of ordinary happiness. That's pretty damned amazing. Well, I must vamoose, so I shall check in again tomorrow. Best to you all.

Monday. It always comes around, doesn't it?

Paws. With unclipped nails on the back ones.

Shelby-girl on a pillow.

Again, with laundry.

And again, the whole picture. She's my friend through everything, including the dreaded study sessions. Which are many. She has also been my friend through thick and thin. Lots of thin.

Alders from below. Such a pretty, pretty blue sky. I couldn't restrain myself from doing the branches against the sky thing again. Seriously.

View of my lab from one of the orchard blocks. It's a pretty steep hill; don't know if you can tell or not from the picture. It's rather exhilarating driving down into that space you see.

Alder catkins blowing in the wind.

The same ones, sitting a bit stiller. I took pictures of these because they are starting to open up - to release their pollen. They're looking longer, more stretched out, and you can see a little green in between the scales. I took a photo of these same catkins awhile back (I'll try to link to it later.), and you can see the difference over time.

I am on my way home from class, so I really don't have time to write. What I really wanted to do is to dedicate this entry to Sher - http://whatdidyoueat.typepad.com/what_did_you_eat/2008/03/wcb-seasons-of.html . She loves her Upsie as I love Shelby. Best to you, Sher and Upsie. Much love.

Very exciting photos. And also - day three of the exercise regime! Huzzah!

Hello. I am squinty.

Watching the camera handle dangle. And yes, I know - blurry.

My lab coat and my feet in my lab. AMAZING.

Happy Fridays to you! Also, my apologies for the plethora of cat photos. It's difficult to resist photographing her, and of course I feel the need to share her with the world, so - there you go.

Two things to address today. Or possibly one, we'll see if I can get to the second one right now or not. I have Lots of Work to do and little time to do it in, so we shall see. First - Jeci (http://www.blueyonbelly.com/) is with me on the whole disliking of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," and I am glad for that. I think Jeci is awesome, so it's nice to have some complicity in my distaste for this book with someone I admire. I too was bored silly by it - and when I was attempting to read it? Alas, I was trying to be cool. Which is a completely ridiculous reason for reading a book. The fact that I tried so many times makes me laugh now. I carried that stupid book from apartment to apartment, for years. I think it was finally ruined in a flood in the late 90's. Thank goodness. Otherwise I might still have the bloody thing. I always figured I just wasn't hip enough to "get it." This is quite possibly the case, as I am easily the least hip person I know. Anyway, yeah. Dumb book.

The other thing was going to be about the lack of tenderness in my life - something Kari agreed with in my comments below that particular post, if you're wondering - and I wanted to talk about that a little more. However, I am running short on time, and the things I want to express don't lend themselves to short time. Maybe next week.

So, my dearests - until Monday, take care. I hope your weekends are good ones. Ta.

Three things. No, four.

1. Happy Birthday, Dad, even though you don't read this blog (thank goodness)!!

2. I worked out today, so we shall call this DAY TWO of THE RETURN OF THE EXERCISE. In all caps, no less.

3. I tried many, many times to read "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance." I could never get past about page 20.

4. I have nice hair.

the end. until tomorrow.

Take it easy. Also? Holy crap!

Such is my response to my first real exercise in (gulp) months.

"Take it easy" is one of those catch phrases from AA, a group with which I am uncomfortably familiar. I have found this phrase's simplicity and applicability to many aspects of my life comforting. I say it to myself when I'm getting carried away by something or another, which I am prone to do all too often. This time, jumping rope interspersed with a series of calisthenics. While it felt good, it was also excruciatingly disheartening to come face to face with how out of shape I really am. Hence, take it easy. I can't expect to just bounce right back after such a long hiatus - it's impossible, and if I expect it of myself, I'm just encouraging failure. So take it easy. One day at a time. And yes, I know that one's from AA too! These little mantras can be oddly helpful. Anyhow, we'll call this DAY ONE - THE RETURN OF EXERCISE!

"Holy crap!" This one is easy - I can't believe the things I used to do with relative ease. Running miles and miles, climbing mountain after mountain, running stairs for hours, pushing and punishing my body over and over again, and loving/hating/loving every minute of it. I didn't need alcohol or relationships or food or anything else - just me and my body and the workout. How I was in love with it! And how I really do miss it. I want it back. And now, for some small goals - I need to keep them reasonable for now. The craziness can come later, when I'm fit again.

Three goals, in no particular order: 1. exercise every day, even if it's only going for a walk and doing some abs and push-ups. Every day! 2. get back to the gym starting tomorrow; go there at least 3 times/week - school will prevent much more than that for now, but 3 times is good. 3. get back in the pool one month from today.

There. I feel good. Until the morrow, b'bye.

Hello.

Entrance to a local park that I love.

So. Hi there. (twiddles thumbs, looks bored...) I don't really have much to say right now. Things are same-old same-old around these parts. I am on spring break, which is nice - no going to school this week. It hasn't really felt like much of a break, though. Monday I was at the vet with Shelby until nearly 8 pm (vet was running very late; she's fine, but I am going to have two small masses removed surgically from her in May. Yikes.), and last night we were at city hall from 7 to 9:30 pm at a property reassessment meeting. Our city just went from a 24% assessment to 100% assessment and our taxes are going to increase by over $700. In my opinion, they were already way too high. Suck. I hate this state sometimes. The government is an enormous, obscene bureaucracy and the tax burden is just astonishing. And yay, Eliot Spitzer, you giant jackass! Feh. M. adamantly refuses to move anywhere else, ever. Blah blah blah, etcetera.

Things on the relationship front are also the same, which is to say not very good. We exist together but that's about it. I miss having someone care for me - I miss gentleness and tenderness. If I'm totally honest with myself, I have to say M. was never those things from the beginning. He did try. It's been a few years since he did, though. This may sound silly and overly romantic, but I miss someone simply touching my arm softly, or my hair; someone stroking my skin or kissing my forehead, touching my face, holding my hand. I have often claimed not to need such things, but I find that I sort of do need them. Or want them, anyway. Simple things like this. I don't long for anything more than that; just these little things. Sigh.

Man, do I sound like a loser. Pathetic. I feel as though all I ever do is complain. My apologies. I have to stay focused on the things I can do that are helping me - doing well in school and getting my degree, and continuing with the mental health improvement. Speaking of which, I forgot to take my meds again today. Never fear - I have decided to keep some of my pills here at work for just such a dilemma, so I shall take them now.

Bleh - this entry is dull and depressing. I shall sign off until tomorrow, after I have snapped myself out of this pity party act. Ta for now.

Monday, Monday.

Another view of the microscope room, shifted to the left from the below shot.

Acid!

I'm cheating with these photos - I took them Friday and just didn't upload them. I know, I know - contain yourselves. How dare I force you to wait an entire weekend before seeing them. I understand - they really are that exciting.

Moving on. My birthday was yesterday. It kind of sucked. It's a bit silly to feel let down about how your birthday went at my age, but I do feel a little let down nonetheless. M. and I didn't sleep in the same bed again (his cough and snoring), and when he came into the guest room on my birthday morning, he said, "You know what day it is?" I answered, "My birthday!" He was like, "Yeah. And we have to change the clocks - it's daylight savings time." No emphasis at all on my birthday, no "happy birthday, Anne," nothing. Just - change the clocks. After that, I spent the morning cleaning the house because his family was coming over for a dual celebration - my birthday and his mother's, which is this week. The family arrived, and we spent the afternoon out to lunch and then at a St. Patrick's day parade. We went back to the house and I served up the cake my mother-in-law brought, made coffee and served that up, ate no cake myself because I don't like sweets, and then cleaned all the dishes by myself while everyone lingered until 6 pm. Which pretty much shot the day, because I also had to do the laundry and go grocery shopping. What fun! Yes, I know - I am martyring myself for a small thing. Wah, I had to do the dishes on my birthday, etcetera. I know. All I really wanted was to have time to myself - to read, to go to a local garden show, to relax. Instead, I spent it running around for M.'s family with pretty much no input from him. I do care for his family, but I feel like they don't really know me. I'm sort of a family joke in some ways - Anne who is "so smart," so vegetarian, so highly verbal that we can't understand her, who is weirdly ungirly with her non-make-up wearing and ragged clothes and ridiculous love for animals. They do respect these differences, but they also don't really get me, and they do all laugh about these things. I know it's in good fun, and that's fine, but it feels kind of isolating. I miss my family, my friends - the ones who do get me, who don't think I'm some sort of anomaly.

Anyway, I realize that this is all intensely self-centered. My in-laws are good people. They mean well, and they probably do care about me. I'm just really tired. That's my way of saying - again - that things aren't going well, and I'm too.... apathetic? energyless? exhausted? depressed? to change it. As I have said, my two main goals this year are to finish the nursing program and to address my mental health. I am actively doing both, so that's something. And some good news? That test I thought I bombed? I got a 94 on it! No, I'm not quite sure how that happened. Seriously. I'm pretty happy about it, though! On that note, I'm signing off until tomorrow. Best to you all.

The weekend is here.

Lab stuff.

Best weekends to all of you. I am so tired. That will pass, I know. Meanwhile, I am so glad that spring is coming - the birdsong is so very heart-lifting. Stay well.